


The Walls Between Us

by wildknees



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, M/M, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-14
Updated: 2012-06-16
Packaged: 2017-11-07 18:02:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 109,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/433861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildknees/pseuds/wildknees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Remus' final year at Hogwarts and he doesn't know what to expect with Professor Black as the new DADA teacher. Voldemort is gaining power, the wizarding world is in dispute, and Remus has no idea where he fits into all of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I: You and Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Remus/Sirius student/teacher AU set at Hogwarts, featuring Sirius as the teacher. 'The Marauders' don't really exist without Sirius as part of the group. James, Peter, and Remus are still close friends and they're still pranksters, but there's not quite the same sort of bond as what exists when Sirius is there.

He hadn't even been back at school for twenty minutes yet and he was already getting in trouble.

Remus had spent the summer telling himself that seventh year would be the time when he would finally say _no_ to James Potter. _No_ to bending the school rules to accommodate James' trouble-making. _No_ to the foolish rebellions against teachers. _No_ to tormenting Slytherins. And most importantly, _no_ to the stupid waste-of-time pranks that James always dragged Remus along on.

But, as Remus was soon reminded, James Potter was a very difficult man to say no to. James would smile in that charmingly boyish way that would light up his whole face before he would strut off down the corridor, not even checking if Remus and Peter were following behind him. It was as if the universe revolved around James himself and there was no choice but to be sucked into his orbit. Remus would try to be angry, try to say no. But Peter would already be eagerly tagging along after James, and James would be rattling off vague details of his surprisingly clever plans. Did Remus really have any other choice than to follow after them?

So here they stood, just outside the doors of the Great Hall, Remus and Peter keeping watch while James positioned whatever sort of ridiculous charms he had come up with this time. Through the heavy doors of the Great Hall, they could hear that the Sorting Ceremony was over and Dumbledore's start of term speech had begun. Remus peered up the marble staircase, half-expecting to see Filch coming after them already.

Remus shot a look at James, hoping it would somehow convey his disapproval. But James wasn't even looking in his direction, and picking up on non-verbal cues was never one of James' strong points.

"Filch is going to kill you for this, you know, you're going to have detention until you graduate!" Remus hissed.

James was giggling madly. He glanced over his shoulder for a moment, a charming smile on his face. " _You're_ a prefect, Remus, why don't _you_ stop me?"

And why didn't Remus stop him?

Truly, Remus couldn't bring himself to do it. Remus really felt that he owed something to James, and to Peter as well. They had discovered his 'furry little problem' in third year. Remus had expected them to abandon him, to ridicule and even expose him, but they had been completely untroubled by it and they had kept Remus as their friend. Remus felt so thankful that he thought he would never be able to repay them. There was no way he could deny anything to either of them after that. So he made excuses for James' trouble making and let the rule-breaking slide, and he followed James on these stupid pranks.

And, though he would never admit it, there was another reason why Remus joined in on these pranks.

There was a certain _thrill_ in breaking the rules. It was a decidedly un-prefect like thrill, but Remus couldn't deny that he truly enjoyed some of the ridiculous adventures that James came up with. The thought that they could be caught at any moment was an adrenaline rush like nothing else. Heart pounding, senses heightened - there was no other feeling quite like the feeling of breaking the rules.

James was grinning widely as he moved the last of the charms into place. "Finished!" he cried. He brushed off his hands and puffed out his chest, looking very pleased with himself as he surveyed the invisible charms.

Remus sighed, but he couldn't help but smile at James' delight. "Honestly, James, everyone is going to know it was you."

"Of course they will! I'm just giving those firsties a nice taste of what's coming to them this year. I'm _transitioning_ them. Helping them to adjust to school life!"

Peter laughed. "A modern day saint."

James put on an innocent look that was entirely unsuited to his face. "Oh, you know I'm more modest than that." James stretched, looking between Remus and Peter before his face broke out in his typical boyish grin.

"There's no denying it, boys, this is going to an _excellent_ year."

Remus just rolled his eyes.

By now, they could hear that Dumbledore's speech had ended and the noise of the students talking rose up loudly. It was still painfully conspicuous sneaking into the Great Hall, though a quick glance at the staff table didn't reveal that they had been noticed. James smiled sweetly at Filch.

They took their seats at the Gryffindor table and Remus noticed that it was unusually easy to find a seat. Arriving late to a feast usually meant that they would be sitting at opposite ends of the table in whichever chairs were left empty, but they had easily found three chairs together.

Remus glanced around the Hall, noticing that there were empty chairs at all the tables. Not many, but the hall was usually completely filled. There must have been students who didn't return to school. Remus couldn't say that he was surprised; with all the recent disappearances and deaths that had been reported in the _Daily Prophet,_ it was no surprise that some parents must have thought that it was too dangerous to allow their children to return to school.

Recently the name of Voldemort had become known to the wizarding world. Voldemort was a dark wizard who had been gaining power and followers on the quest for purification of the wizarding race. It wasn't being called a _war_ ; The Ministry was quick to dismiss that possibility. But a series of mysterious and dark events surrounded Voldemort and his followers, and he was becoming so powerful that some people were even becoming afraid to say his name.

The disappearances and deaths had slowed over the summer and there was some hope that Voldemort had given up or disappeared, but Remus didn't think this was very likely. Remus' father, who worked at the Ministry, said that the Ministry was still struggling to deal with the threat of Voldemort.

"Did you miss me over the summer, Evans?" came the sudden sound of James' voice, bringing Remus back from his dark reflection. James was smiling charmingly at Lily, who was very focused on buttering a slice of bread and obviously trying to ignore James.

"Don't be ridiculous," Lily said coolly. "Summer was wonderful. Two whole months free from dealing with your pathetic advances."

"Oh Evans, you don't mean that. I'm sure you must have missed my good looks and charm."

With a small sound of disgust, Lily turned away and ignored James.

It was cute, almost, how these two toyed with each other. The way James was so obviously smitten but so obviously clueless about how to even have a conversation with Lily. And though Lily was always cruel to him, Remus couldn't help but wonder if there was something more to it. She did seem to pay quite a lot of attention to someone she supposedly detested.

"Hey, do you think that's the new Defence teacher?" Peter asked, pointing to the staff table.

Being that they had missed Dumbledore's speech, they had missed the start of term announcements and the introduction of new staff. From what Remus could see, there was only one new staff member.

The man was quite young compared to the other teachers, as he looked to be in his mid-twenties. He had black hair and a handsome face: pale eyes, high cheekbones, and a long elegant nose. He sat tall in his seat and seemed rather uninterested in whatever Slughorn was talking to him about.

"That pretty boy teaching Defence?" James laughed. "He wouldn't last five minutes against a werewolf!"

Remus jabbed his elbow into James' side. " _Yes,_ it seems so," Remus hissed through his teeth. He had always been hyperaware of any mention of lycanthropy and he felt that there were times when James was just a little too casual about it.

But James only laughed it off, and he was soon distracted alternately by the feast and trying to get Lily's attention.

Oddly, Remus found his gaze drifting back to the new Defence professor. The man looked strangely familiar, but Remus couldn't place where he had seen that face before.

When the feast was over, Dumbledore spoke a bit more and then bid the students goodnight. Remus joined the other Gryffindor prefects in gathering up the first-years and getting them ready to be lead to the Tower. He was leaving the Great Hall with a group of students when it happened.

Custard.

Custard pouring down the walls, spraying out of doorways, bubbling up from the stone floor. So _this_ was what James had been doing with those charms. Some students were slipping in the mess, some were screaming, and James was standing in the middle of it all, laughing like a maniac.

Remus struggled desperately to get the group of screaming first-years to the stairs. A custard fight was beginning to break out amongst the fourth-years when Filch finally appeared, waist-deep in tapioca and wading towards to the still laughing James.

James didn't go without a fight. Remus could only watch as a great wave of custard swept over Filch and a group of students. James was still laughing manically, looking like a crazed emperor watching his kingdom crumble before him.

Seventh year was shaping up well already.

***

Remus had to admit that the custard flood had been an impressive bit of magic. He couldn't even imagine how James had managed to bend Gamp's Law. Even McGonagall seemed vaguely impressed, though she had still given James detention and made him clean up the mess without magic.

And, even though he had already broken his vow to say no to James, Remus couldn't deny that the chaos of the custard flood had been quite funny. James certainly thought so as well. Despite that James had been scrubbing custard out of the cracks in the floor until close to midnight and had detentions for a week, he was still grinning happily at the breakfast table the next morning.

"We're off to a good start already, boys!" he said loudly around a mouthful of eggs, "That was a disaster in the best possible way. What do you suppose we should do next?"

Lily shot a disapproving glare at James. "I don't know, Potter, how about you _grow up_ and stop making everyone else's lives miserable?" she said coldly.

Even Lily's cold words weren't enough to deter James' spirit. He blew her a kiss and heartily dug into his breakfast. He was nearly skipping as they made their way to Charms.

But as Flitwick started going over the course syllabus, Remus could practically see James deflating. Listening to Flitwick outline all the assignments, essays, and exams that would be required this year was like watching an increasing weight upon James' shoulders grow heavier and heavier. By the time class was over and they were making their way to the Defence classroom, James was slouched over and miserable.

"Look at all this homework already! And that was only the first class. I thought this year was going to be great, but between this and Quidditch I'm not going to have time for _anything_."

Remus frowned. The thought that James was actually worried about school was almost a bit frightening. "What did you expect? We have to write our NEWTs this year. You can't just skive off classes and hope to pass like you always do."

James smiled, seeming to shake off a bit of his melancholy as they entered the Defence classroom. "Oh Remus, you know me so well. That _is_ what I always do. And I always come out at the top off the class, don't I?"

Peter gazed up at James admiringly, but Remus could only roll his eyes. "You and your ego."

Remus was joking, of course, and perhaps only a bit jealous of James' natural genius. But really Remus didn't mind having to study to get good grades. He enjoyed school and he was looking forward to the first Defence class.

James led them to a table near the back of the room and they began unpacking their books. The new professor hadn't yet arrived in the classroom and students were chatting amongst themselves.

Ah, the joy of a new school year! No matter how James and Peter teased him for it, the beginning of a new school year was pure delight for Remus. Books waiting to be read, essays waiting to be written, new spells and charms to be learned. Remus was nearly dizzy with the smell of a fresh roll of parchment.

"Wonder how long this one is going to last?" Peter mused out loud, effectively knocking Remus out of his parchment-induced trance.

In their seven years at school, they had had seven different Defence teachers. The rumour that the position was cursed had been around since before they had even started at Hogwarts. The staff were quick to dismiss the rumour, saying that this fabled 'curse' was only a product of the overactive imaginations of school children. McGonagall had even once suggested that James was driving the teachers away with his endless tormenting. It had been the closest thing to a joke they had ever heard from her, but there was definitely some truth in the sentiment. Even now James' mischievous smirk had reappeared with the prospect of a fresh new teacher to prank.

"Let's show this pretty boy how things are done around here!"

James snuck up to the chalkboard with all the subtly of a bull in a china shop. Peter was laughing, but Remus just sighed and turned to his textbook. The deliberately cruel pranks that James pulled had never appealed to him.

James had that boyish grin on his face as he hurried back towards their table. He had barely made it back to his seat when the professor sauntered through the door, kicking it shut behind himself.

"Alright, everyone settled down and shut up. Let's just get this over with. Don't think for a minute that I'm here because I want to be, but you can thank your Headmaster for putting me here."

The atmosphere had instantly darkened and students were shifting around uncomfortably. Remus stared at the professor in disbelief. There had always been a few grumpy professors, but none had ever made a commotion like this in front of the class. It seemed almost childish.

The professor grinned, though there was no humour in it. "But I guess if I'm teaching _this_ subject then I'll be out of here before the year is over anyway."

Someone near the front of the classroom actually gasped at that. No teacher had ever acknowledged the supposed curse on the Defence Against the Dark Arts position.

The professor seemed unconcerned with the uneasiness he was causing.

"I'm Professor Black, as I'm sure you all heard at the feast. Being that you're seventh-years now, the curriculum focuses on..."

Black continued on, but Remus didn't hear any of it. He could feel the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end as he realized why he thought this man looked familiar.

It had been over ten years ago and Remus could still clearly picture it in his mind. It was a very special day that Remus was allowed to go visit his father's office at the Ministry. Brimming with excitement, he had stood holding his father's hand as they waited for the elevator that would take them to his father's office. There was a ' _ping_ ' as the elevator stopped at their floor, and as the doors opened a man in dark elegant robes swept out with such ferocity that he knocked Remus' father to the ground.

The man sneered down at the Lupin men with a look of pure disgust on his face. He wasn't unusually tall, but Remus felt like an ant looking up at a giant.

" _Mudbloods_ ," the man had said to them in cold, level voice, "only give rise to _more_ Mudbloods."

The man brushed off his robes as if bumping into Remus' father had dirtied them and then swept off down the hallway without another word.

Remus' father jumped to his feet, wand clutched in his hand. " _Don't talk like that in front of my son!_ " he shouted after the man, but the man didn't look back.

When Remus reached for his father's hand again, his father was shaking with anger. It was nearly an hour before he finally calmed down to speak to Remus. Remus' father then explained that the man had been Orion Black, a terrible man who looked down at anyone who didn't come from the old pure-blood families.

The encounter outside the elevator had been so frightening to Remus that he had never forgotten it. That face... Remus could still see Orion's disgusted face clearly in his mind. Pale eyes peering down a long straight nose, black hair, high cheekbones... There was no denying that this new professor was part of the Black family. He looked just like Orion had, and if he knew that Remus was a werewolf, then that same disgusted look would be on his face soon enough.

The Blacks, the Malfoys, the LeStranges; Remus had always made sure to keep his distance from anyone from the old pure-blood families. It was bad enough that he was a half-blood, but if they found out that he was a werewolf... Remus knew there would be no hesitation in attacking or even killing him.

And now, Black knew. He had to know. All the staff knew, didn't they?

Maybe, _maybe_ Dumbledore hadn't told Black. Maybe he had foreseen that Black might attack Remus if given the chance so he had kept Remus' lycanthropy secret. Dumbledore was a smart man, after all, and he wouldn't put his students in danger like that.

Black was still going over the syllabus, now discussing the dark creatures they would be learning about. _Of course_. Turn the rest of the students against Remus as well. Remus could imagine it: perhaps they'd go over the Homomorphus charm, and _look!_ , here's the perfect dark creature to try it on.

Black was reaching for the chalk. "... And we'll also be learning defensive spells against-"

There was a loud explosion and Black was left standing at the front of the classroom with his face covered in soot and a rubber chicken in his hand.

The class gasped in shock. A few students laughed but tried to cover it up. But it would have been painfully obvious who had set the prank even if James wasn't the only person in the room laughing ridiculously loud.

As Black's gaze turned towards their table, Remus instinctively tensed and sunk lower in his chair.

"Fake chalk? You put that here?"

James was still laughing as he nodded. James was never one to pass up taking credit for his pranks.

And then, Black laughed.

"You altered the fake wand charm to work on any object? Brilliant!"

James went silent in shock and Black grinned at their table. Remus tried to sink even lower in his chair.

"I've heard about you already. I'm going to take a wild guess and say you're James Potter. And that would make you two Peter Pettigrew and," -there was slight but distinct pause, "Remus Lupin."

Remus avoided eye contact, but he could still feel Black's gaze lingering on his face.

Black continued going over the course outline, but Remus didn't hear any of it. His hands were shaking and his heart was pounding like it would burst out of his chest.

Black knew. He definitely knew.

Remus tried to regain his composure but he felt like he could hardly breathe. _Calm down_ , he told himself. A teacher wouldn't attack a student in the middle of class. He couldn't. Even outside of class, the school rules would forbid Black from doing anything to Remus.

But with that outburst at the beginning of class, Black didn't seem like one to follow the rules.

Remus focused on trying to disappear into his chair as class continued on. James was abnormally well-behaved and eager to answer questions throughout the rest of the lesson, which meant that Black was looking at their table quite often. Remus fixed his eyes firmly on the words in his textbook but he still felt that Black's gaze would linger in Remus' direction.

Despite the fuss Black had made at the beginning of the class, Black seemed like he would be a good teacher. Even Remus was impressed by Black's lecture and his ambition for the class. Black clearly had experience facing the Dark Arts (or, being that he was a Black, _performing_ the Dark Arts), and after class students were already excitedly discussing the spells they would learn this year. A group of girls were also busy discussing how handsome their new professor was.

James' good mood was restored and he talked about Black as they made their way to the Great Hall for lunch. "Did you hear what he said? 'Brilliant'. _'Brilliant'!_ Imagine if McGonagall said something I did was 'brilliant'! I'm telling you, this is going to be an excellent year."

"Do you think he's part of the Black family? The pure-bloods?" Peter asked as they took their seats at the Gryffindor table. Peter glanced over at the Slytherin table, likely thinking of the Black sisters who had graduated a few years back.

Remus knew that there was no denying that face. "He is. He looks just like them."

"It seems strange that someone from that family would be teaching _Defence_ Against the Dark Arts. I thought the Blacks were all about Dark Magic."

"Who cares?" James said, waving his arm dismissively. "He's great! He though that my fake chalk was brilliant."

"Sounds like someone has a crush," Peter said teasingly.

"What? _No!_ My heart belongs to one person, and one person alone." James cast a longing look over at Lily, who was sitting near the other end of the table. Lily wasn't facing James but she seemed to sense his gaze, and a shiver of disgust ran through her body.

"It's just - Professor Black and I, we're like... we're like kindred spirits! What did I say, boys? An excellent year!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For reference, Defence classes are on Wednesday and Thursday mornings. Also, please excuse my Latin!

Naturally, Remus decided that he needed to avoid Black. Unlike his failed attempt to start saying 'no' to James, Remus knew that this wouldn't be something he would give up so quickly,

It was relieving to find that avoiding Black wasn't extremely difficult. The castle was enormous, after all. The only times Remus saw Black were at meals and in class. Meals in the Great Hall were crowded enough that Remus didn't have to worry about being noticed by Black. But avoiding Black in class was impossible, especially considering that James now insisted that they sit at the table at the front of the classroom for every Defence class.

James was more attentive than he had ever been in any other class: he listened diligently during lectures, was eager to answer questions, and always volunteered for practical demonstrations. This meant that Black was often looking in their direction, but Remus got very good at slouching down in his chair and avoiding eye contact. Remus hoped he was imagining it, but he though he could still feel Black staring at him during lectures.

Today's class was nearly over. Remus had kept his eyes firmly focused on his textbook for the entire class, but he had been avidly listening to Black's lecture. There had been no more of the angry, childish behaviour that Black had displayed on the first day, and Black was so far proving to be a very good professor. He didn't have much patience for slower students, but he was very knowledgeable about the subject, and he was very good at explaining the purpose and uses of various spells.

Remus dared to glanced up at Black. He caught Black's eye and just for a second it seemed like Black smiled at him. Remus quickly looked away and returned to staring at his textbook, frowning.

The full moon was a week away and Remus felt an odd sense of relief that it would fall on a Tuesday. He would definitely be missing Defence class on Wednesday morning, and maybe even Thursday morning as well. That would be a whole week of Defence classes he would miss and two whole weeks free from Black's disconcerting stare.

Finally the bell rang, and students began packing up their bags.

"That's all for class today," Black said over the noise of the students, "We'll be having a practical exam next Wednesday."

There was a collective groan of disappointment from the students. With all the homework they had in NEWT level classes, no one wanted another exam. But no one was more disappointed than Remus at this news. That would be the morning after the full moon, and it would be impossible for him to attend the exam.

The next morning he received an official school letter stating that he was to make up for the exam on the following Tuesday night in Black's office. Remus had only received one of these letters before, back in third year where a particular Astronomy exam couldn't be arranged around the full moon. Dumbledore had instructed the professors that they should do whatever they could to prevent Remus' condition from being discovered, and exam placement was very important. Students were likely to notice if their classmates were absent from an exam.

And now the very first Defence exam of the year fell on the day after the full moon and Remus would have to miss the exam. Even worse, Remus would be meeting with Black alone. Had Black planned that? Was Black doing this to get Remus exposed, or worse, was he doing it so he could attack Remus himself? Remus could easily picture Black staring down at him with disgust just as Orion Black had all those years ago.

That evening, Peter brought up the matter after James had left for Quidditch practice.

"James will be right jealous that you get a lesson alone with Black. He stays behind after almost every class to talk with Black, and I think he goes to chat with him even on the days we don't have class."

Remus said nothing. James seemed to have placed Black in a sort of mentor position. Though Remus was impressed that James finally respected a teacher, Remus wished James would have chosen someone other than Black.

"Hey, do you think anyone will notice if you miss the exam?" Peter asked, not quite worried but genuinely curious.

Remus shrugged and began absent-mindedly flipping the pages of his book, trying to seem unconcerned. "Probably. I expect that's why he's doing it."

"What do you mean?" Peter sat down on the edge of Remus' bed and fixed him with a curious look.

This wasn't something Remus had intended to talk about, but Peter was just so easy to talk to. Remus sighed and set aside his book.

"He's a Black, isn't he? He probably put the exam after the full moon because he's hoping he can get me discovered and expelled. Maybe he'll even try to off me himself when I have to meet him."

Peter laughed disbelievingly. "You can't be serious! You think a teacher would actually try to attack you? Dumbledore would chuck him out for that, wouldn't he?"

"Black said he didn't want to be here teaching. He'd be killing two birds with one stone – getting rid of a werewolf, and getting himself out of this teaching position as well."

"Yeah, but he'd also get himself chucked in Azkaban for attacking you."

"I wouldn't be so sure. If it was a werewolf he got rid of, he'd probably get an Order of Merlin," Remus said bitterly. There were many accounts of wizards killing untransformed werewolves and getting away without punishment. Quite a few of the cases even seemed to agree that the wizard had done the right thing by exterminating a dangerous beast.

Peter considered it for a moment before he shook his head. "I don't think Black would do anything like that. He seems like he's alright."

"But he's a Black! You know what the Blacks are like. Who knows, he might even be a Death Eater."

Peter laughed. "Are you joking? You think Dumbledore would hire a Death Eater?"

"Well, maybe that's a little far-fetched," Remus admitted. There were rumours that some members of the Black family were working for Voldemort, but Dumbledore wouldn't have hired Black if Black was a Death Eater. Hogwarts was still safe in that respect.

"But it's true about the Blacks, you can't deny that. I don't think he placed the exam there by accident. He might be doing this to try to get me exposed."

"I think you're overreacting. Black doesn't seem like that sort. He's a good teacher, actually, he's not as serious as the other professors. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"It could happen," Remus said seriously, reaching for his book again.

Peter shook his head as he stood to leave. "It won't."

Remus considered that maybe he was being too paranoid. But a secret werewolf could never be too careful about these things. It would be so easy for Black to reveal that Remus was a werewolf, or to attack Remus. Remus didn't know which of these would be worse. If parents were to find out that their children were going to a school with a werewolf there would be an uproar. Remus would have to leave the school for sure, and that would just be the beginning of his problems. The story of the dangerous creature who threatened Hogwarts would be spread across the _Daily Prophet_ , and Remus wouldn't even be able to walk down the street without being spit on and ridiculed. With this prevalent attitude in the wizarding world, Remus could see why many werewolves stooped to join the werewolf packs on the outskirts of society.

Thinking about everything - the coming full moon, Black, and the bleak prospects for a werewolf after graduation - left Remus in a bad mood for the rest of the evening. Seventh year was turning out quite horribly. James' earlier sentiment of "an excellent year" seemed to be very far from the truth.

***

The full moon was just as horrible as Remus expected. The Wolf could sense Remus' emotions, and the more anxious or angry Remus was feeling before his transformation, the more violent the Wolf was. This month Remus had been so badly injured that it wasn't until the evening after his second day in the hospital wing when Madam Pomfrey finally released him.

" _Please_ try to relax yourself next time, dear. I don't want to see you in a state this horrible again," Madam Pomfrey said as Remus left.

But Remus couldn't bring himself to relax, how could he, with the prospect of meeting alone with Black hanging over him like a Lethifold? The following Tuesday came too quickly.

As Remus began his walk to Black's office, he felt like he was walking to his death. The lingering fatigue from his transformation was still affecting him, and now he had to go face a Black. Remus tried to remind himself of what Peter had said about Remus overreacting, but it was very difficult to convince himself of that right now.

Black was waiting for Remus at the door. Remus' feet felt like stone as he approached.

"Mr. Lupin! I see you found my office alright," Black said, grinning at him.

Remus nodded and quickly looked away. He had known where Black's office was since the first day of class but he had always made sure to avoid it.

Black ushered him into the office and shut the door once Remus was inside.

The room looked strangely empty for a teacher's office. There were no books lining the shelves or stacks of student assignments that needed marking. There were a few objects that looked like they might be used by Aurors, but there were no personal objects, like photographs or souvenirs. It looked like the office was hardly used at all.

Remus stood awkwardly and unmoving by the door. He was reluctant to go any further into the room. Oblivious to Remus' discomfort, Black was explaining the first spell that they were practicing.

"It's a fairly simple spell – a variation on _Homenum Revelio_ to detect dark creatures. The incantation is _Nocens Revelio,_ " Black demonstrated the wand movements. "It can be cast to detect a presence inside a building or as a diffusive spell radiating from the caster. We're practicing the diffusive spell. If a dark creature enters the radius of the spell, the caster's wand will glow. Cast the spell and step towards this vampire skull."

Black took a strangely eerie skull out of his desk drawer. He glanced over his shoulder, adding, "Oh, and you'll be able to cast it because the spell doesn't react to an untransformed werewolf."

Remus started at the word. _How blunt could Black be?_ Teachers had always danced around the name, at most referring to Remus' lycanthropy as _'your condition',_ never once mentioning anything more. And what was stranger, there wasn't the usual venom in the word that came when pure-bloods discussed werewolves. Black had said the word so casually.

"Are you ready?" Black asked. He had positioned the vampire skull on a table in the corner. Remus nodded.

Remus performed the spell. Just as Black had explained, Remus' wand began to glow dimly as he approached the skull.

Black nodded. "Very good. Now we'll cover the theory aspect of the lesson. Can you tell me three problems with this spell?"

Remus held back a disdainful snort. Black had said one himself, hadn't he? _'The spell doesn't react to an untransformed_ _werewolf'_ , yet here was a dark creature that had made its way into Black's office.

But somehow, Remus didn't think this would be the best thing to say in front of Black. He tried to think, but with Black staring at him so closely it was difficult to relax enough to concentrate.

"I suppose, depending on the radius of the spell, the dark creature could be too close before the spell detected it. And it only detects dark creatures, though there are more dangerous things that could be approaching the spell-caster. It would have to be combined with other detection spells."

Black nodded. "One more."

Remus couldn't think of anything appropriate to say, so he just shook his head.

"The wand glows," Black said, "It's not very helpful if you're trying to stay hidden in a dark place. The glowing wand would reveal the spell-caster's location to the dark creature. There are variations to the spell that make the wand grow warm or shake, but the incantations are more difficult and the wand movements more complex. This is the original spell that was developed, though it has its obvious drawbacks."

There were two more spells in the practical lesson: _Cave Inimicum_ and _Repello Nocens_. _Cave Inimicum_ was a protective charm to warn the caster of intruders, and _Repello Nocens_ was a shield charm against dark creatures. _Repello Nocens_ was somewhat simple against a vampire skull, but, as Black pointed out, it was much more difficult to concentrate on when faced with a dangerous creature.

Remus had been in Black's office almost an hour by the time they finished the practical and theory aspects of all three spells. The time had passed quickly, and Remus was reminded that even though he didn't like Black, Black really was a good teacher.

Black smiled at him. "That's the end of the lesson. You did very well. Full marks."

Remus nodded, avoiding looking at Black. "Is that all, Professor?" he asked. He was eager to get out of Black's office now that the lesson was over. He had already begun slowly inching towards the door.

"Do you like this class?" Black asked suddenly.

The question had been unexpected, but Remus at least though that the class was interesting and that the spells they learned were very useful.

"Yes I do," Remus finally answered.

A smile spread across Black's face, and Remus was struck by how handsome it made Black look.

"You always answer my questions when I call on you in class, but you seem to be half asleep," Black said, "You slouch so far down in your seat that it looks like you're about to slip under the table."

"Oh... I just sit like that," Remus said awkwardly. Slouching in his seat was Remus' attempt to avoid Black's gaze, but he was apparently drawing more attention to himself by doing it. He didn't think he looked that ridiculous.

"You should sit up straight, it will be better for you. I think you deal with enough pain, anyway."

Remus tensed. _How blunt could Black be?_ he wondered again. To say something like that so casually. Talking with Black was making Remus extremely uncomfortable, and he wanted nothing more than to get out of Black's office.

"Y-yes, Professor. Can I go now?"

Black didn't seem to have heard the last words. "Do you think I'm a good teacher?" he asked.

Remus resisted the urge to raise his eyebrow. This conversation was getting weirder by the second.

"Yes, you're a good teacher," Remus said.

Black's face lit up at this and he was smiling again. He was staring at Remus with the same penetrating stare that always pinned Remus in class. Standing this close to Black, Remus could see how intense Black's grey eyes looked. Black seemed to be waiting for more.

"You really know what you're talking about," Remus continued awkwardly. He thought back to Peter and James' opinions of Sirius, "The other students like you because you're not so serious."

"I'm very Sirius."

"... Sorry, Professor?"

"Very Sirius. My name – is Sirius."

Remus stared at Black.

"Uhh... sorry, Professor, I have to get going now."

Remus hurried out the door. Black said nothing as he left.

Remus quickly made his way back to Gryffindor Tower. He passed James and Peter in the common room and they waved him over, but Remus ignored them and climbed the stairs up to the dormitory. He was glad that it was empty because he did _not_ want to talk about what had just happened.

Black was so _weird!_ What was wrong with him? Remus would have almost preferred Black to act disgusted and kick Remus out of his office instead of keeping Remus around for _that_ conversation. It had started out as a seemingly innocent inquiry about teaching feedback, but it quickly dissolved into one of the most uncomfortable conversations Remus had ever had in his life. What was Black getting at, anyway? Why was he acting so strange and friendly? Was Black just trying to make Remus let his guard down so Black could move in for the attack?

 _Well._ Black was going to have to try a little harder than that.

***

Remus was reluctant to go to Defence class the next morning. He considered skipping class, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Once again he found himself sitting in James' chosen spot of the front row, waiting for class to begin.

James was chatting with Black at the front of the room. Thinking back to Black's strangely friendly behaviour, Remus wondered if Black was just friendly towards Remus because of Remus' association with James. There was no doubt that James and Black were friends, and maybe Black was just being friendly because Remus was friends with James. But Remus quickly dismissed that idea, because Black wasn't this friendly with Peter.

"I see you're still alive after last night," Peter said, sounding rather amused. Peter was still unconvinced about Remus' ideas about Black.

Remus just frowned. He didn't want to talk about it, especially with James around. James was on his way back to his seat, and class soon began.

"Today we'll be continuing the lesson on the defensive spells," Black said at the front of the room, "We covered the practical side of the spells in our class last week, and now we'll be looking at the theory aspect."

Strange. Remus thought Black had said that they had _already_ covered the theory of the spells in class. That was why Remus had spent so long in Black's office last night as they went through the spells.

"The first spell was _Nocens Revelio_ , used to detect the presence of a dark creatures. It's a useful spell, but can anyone tell me some of the disadvantages to the spell? Miss Evans?"

Lily, ever attentive, was quick to respond to Black's question, "The spell detects dark creatures, but there are other creatures that could be just as harmful. It's only useful if you're specifically searching for dark creatures."

"Yes, that's one. Miss MacDonald?"

Mary MacDonald giggled and looked pleased to have Black's attention. As Remus recalled, she had been one of the girls who frequently discussed how handsome Black was. "Well, the breadth of the spell may not give the caster enough warning to prepare to face the dark creature."

"Very good. One more. Remus?"

Remus had been paying attention, but he started at the use of his christened name.

"Oh, uhh..." Remus stuttered. He looked up to find Black's intense gaze pinning him to the spot.

Remus cleared his throat. "The presence of a dark creature makes the spell-caster's wand glow, which could reveal his location," he finally answered. It was exactly the answer Black had given him the night before.

A handsome smile flashed over Black's face again, and Remus quickly looked away.

It was strange, Remus thought. Before that, Black had always called him 'Mr. Lupin'. He called the other students by their surnames, with the exception of James, but James and Black were friends.

It just didn't make sense. Why was Black acting like this? Maybe it had just been an accident, and Remus' christened name had slipped out by mistake. It was possible, though Remus doubted that he himself would ever accidentally call Black 'Sirius'.

Black continued to lecture on the three protective spells they had covered in the practical exam. It was exactly the same information Black had gone over with Remus the night before and Remus was somewhat bored hearing it again. It seemed to take forever for class to end.

Finally the bell went. As they stood up to leave, James fell flat on his face.

Black was immediately howling with laughter, nearly doubled over. His amusement was contagious and several of the other students started laughing as well. Even Remus found himself grinning as James twisted around to untie his shoelaces, which had been knotted together.

"I knew you were up to something!" James cried accusingly, but he was laughing too. Black managed to compose himself enough to pull James to his feet and James shoved at Black's arm.

"Get to class, you troublemaker!" Black laughed, pushing James towards the door.

Still grinning, James left the room. Peter was at his heels, and Remus turned back to grab his school bag. He was the last student in the room.

"See you tomorrow, Remus," Black said. Remus just ducked his head and hurried out the door

James and Peter weren't far down the hallway and Remus quickly caught up to them. James was going on about Black's prank on him.

"That was brilliant! You know, sometimes you get so caught up in the big ideas that you forget to appreciate the simple things in life. Simple, yet brilliant."

Remus glanced over his shoulder to make sure Black wasn't behind them. "Did you hear Black in class? He called me Remus."

Peter looked at Remus like Remus had grown an extra head. "So? We call you Remus all the time. It's your name, isn't it?"

"But he's a teacher. He's never called me that before."

"He calls me by my first name," James said proudly.

"But that's different, you know him. You talk to him all the time like a friend," Remus dropped his voice as they passed a group of fifth-years. "Why did he call me by my first name?"

"What, do you think he has a crush on you or something?" Peter teased.

Remus was about to point out how that would be wrong on so many levels, but James blurted out, "McGonagall has a crush on me," and Remus could do nothing but laugh.


	3. Chapter 3

"Sirius isn't here, is he?" James asked, glancing around the Quidditch stands. "I asked him to come, but he said that he had something else to do. A meeting, or something."

James had joined Remus and Peter in the stands during a short break in Quidditch practice. Though neither Remus nor Peter played on the team, they frequently attended practices to watch James. This was mostly at James' insistence, though right now the weather was unusually warm for October and it was nice day to be outside.

"Haven't seen him," Peter replied.

James shrugged. "Maybe he'll come next time. See you later!" he grinned as he got back on his broom and flew off to join the Quidditch team for the rest of practice.

Remus glanced over his shoulder to double-check that Black wasn't lurking somewhere in the stands. "If I had known _he_ might be coming, I would have just stayed in the castle," Remus said quietly to Peter.

"Who? Black?"

"Yes."

Peter raised an eyebrow. "You're that scared of him?"

"I'm _not_ scared," Remus protested. By now, he wasn't so much scared of Black as he was vaguely annoyed. There were still the odd looks in class and James and Remus were still the only students who Black called by name. It just didn't make sense.

"You shouldn't change your life for him," Peter said, becoming once again absorbed in watching the practice.

But Remus had no choice when Black did things like place exams on full moon dates. There was no way Remus could continue his life normally while Black had this power over him. He just couldn't escape from Black.

***

That evening, Remus walked to the Owlery to send off a letter to his parents. The letter had pointedly omitted mentioning the new staff at school; Remus decided that he would rather not tell his parents that the new Defence professor was a Black. Remus knew how his father felt about the Black family, and his mother, though a Muggle, would likely feel the same. Remus' father had enough to worry about at the Ministry, anyway.

Remus' Barn Owl, Cordelia, swooped down to greet Remus as he entered the Owlery. She landed on his arm and nuzzled his hand affectionately as Remus tied his letter to her leg. Remus carried her over to the large open windows and she stretched her wings before taking off into the sky.

Footsteps were hurriedly approaching the Owlery.

" _Please_ don't tell her," came a male voice wrought with desperation, "She'll be furious when she finds out!"

"Mum has a right to know that you dropped out of Potions," a disapproving female voice replied. The pair entered the Owlery and Remus recognized them as a set of fifth-year twins in Hufflepuff. The girl was purposefully holding a letter out of the boy's reach.

"You know I'm rubbish at Potions, it was only a matter of time before I dropped it. Mum doesn't have to know, you don't have to send that letter," the boy pleaded, trying to snatch the letter out of his sister's hand. She pushed him away and called down a school owl to take the letter. The boy looked utterly distraught as she carried the owl to the open window, and as the owl took off into the sky he let out a cry of anguish.

"She's going to kill me," the boy wailed.

Remus didn't have time to feel any sympathy for the boy; the twins' exchange had given him a brilliant idea. How had he not thought of it before? He could just drop out of Defence!

It would be one less NEWT he had the chance of getting, but sometimes Remus thought that the effort he put into his schoolwork was a bit pointless anyway. The laws that had been instated by the new Minister made it nearly impossible for a werewolf to find a job. Remus was required to clearly state his werewolf status on his CV, and there were endless approvals and paperwork involved in hiring a dark creature. Most of the hiring process seemed to be in place to make hiring a dark creature such a long and drawn out process that most employers wouldn't want to bother with it.

With laws like these, it wouldn't make a difference if Remus had a NEWT in Defence or not. Dropping the class would be an incredible relief; Remus wouldn't have to worry that he'd be exposed or attacked by Black anymore. There really _was_ an escape from Black!

All he needed to do was to get a discontinuation form from McGonagall. Remus hurried through the corridors to her office. He knocked on the office door, and a moment later it opened.

"Good evening, Lupin," McGonagall said, opening the door to let Remus inside, "What brings you here?"

Remus stepped into her office. "I'd like to get a form to drop a class," he said purposefully.

McGonagall's mouth became a thin line and she fixed him with a stern look.

"And which class did you wish to discontinue?" she asked, voice hard.

"Defence Against the Dark Arts."

The line of McGonagall's mouth became even thinner. "And may I ask what your reason for this is?"

"I, uhh," Remus hadn't thought of an appropriate reason to tell McGonagall. "I don't want to take the course anymore. I'm not interested in it."

"As I recall, you got an O in Defence Against the Dark Arts on your OWLs, and you've already completed half of the NEWT level work for the course. There must be more of a reason than just you 'don't want to'."

Remus shrugged awkwardly. "That's it," he said.

McGonagall's eyes were hard. "Lupin, please take a seat."

"I just need the form," Remus said.

"Please take a seat," McGonagall repeated. Remus hesitantly sunk down into the chair facing the heavy desk. McGonagall crossed to the other side and sat down in her chair, peering at Remus with a disapproving look on her face.

"Lupin, I ask you to be frank with me. Why do you wish to discontinue this course?"

"I'm just not interested in it," Remus repeated. He cursed himself for not having come up with a better reason before he decided to come here. He should have known that McGonagall wouldn't accept this request so easily.

"I find this very hard to believe. For six years you've excelled at this course, and suddenly you're no longer interested? This is not a typical reason for wishing to discontinue a course. Generally students wish to discontinue because they're doing poorly, or because they have too much work in other classes, or, rarely, because they have irreconcilable differences with the professor."

McGonagall clearly didn't believe Remus' excuse. She had listed the real reason why Remus wanted to drop the class, 'irreconcilable differences with the professor', but Remus wasn't going to admit this to her. He didn't know what to say so he said nothing.

Finally McGonagall sighed. She folded her hands on her desk and leaned closer to Remus with a strangely candid look on her face. "Lupin, as your Head of House I am to advice you on academic and personal issues. I cannot pretend that the world you will be entering upon graduation will be a peaceful one. It is for this reason that I strongly recommend, for both academic and personal reasons, that you remain in Defence Against the Dark Arts. I guarantee you it will be a useful class in your future."

"I understand this, Professor."

"You're quite determined to discontinue this course?"

Remus nodded mutely. He could tell that McGonagall was disappointed with him but he had to get away from Black.

"Very well, if you've made up your mind." McGonagall stood and walked over to a tall filing cabinet in the corner. She tapped it once with her wand and the center drawer opened, presenting a piece of paper. McGonagall took it and returned to her desk. It was the form for discontinuing a class.

"You'll need to get Professor Black's signature and then you should turn in this form to Professor Dumbledore." She passed the paper to Remus. "But once again, I strongly urge you to reconsider this decision."

Remus accepted the form. "Thank you, Professor," he said, and left her office.

Remus slowly walked towards Gryffindor Tower, staring at the discontinuation form in his hands. His determination to drop the class had been considerable dampened by the conversation with McGonagall. It was true that Remus would be facing a dangerous world after graduation. Tucking the form into his bag, Remus decided that he would think about it for a while.

***

The full moon was less than a week away and Remus had an odd sense of déjà-vu while sitting in Defence class. Last month at this time he had been feeling relieved thinking that the full moon would free him from Defence class, but those hopes had been crushed as Black had announced an exam. Instead of two wondrous weeks free from Black, Remus had spent an incredibly awkward evening in Black's office.

This month Remus had the same hopes of missing Defence class. The full moon would fall on a Wednesday night and Remus would miss the Thursday morning Defence class. Even a brief break from Black would be welcomed.

"That's all for class today," Black said as the bell rang, "There will be a written exam next Thursday."

Black was staring right at Remus as he announced the exam, and Remus could do nothing but scowl. Remus would have to miss the exam and make it up later. _Again._

Another official school letter arrived informing Remus that he would be writing a deferred exam. And, being that this was a written exam, school rules required that he make up the exam within twenty-four hours of the original time. He would be writing the exam in Black's office on the evening after the full moon while he would be completely exhausted.

This couldn't have been accident or coincidence; Black was doing this deliberately. He had been staring right at Remus when he announced the exam. As much as Remus knew that Defence class would be useful, he couldn't risk this. He had to get out. He would have to drop the class.

At the end of the school day, Remus headed to the Defence classroom. The last few students were clearing out of the room when Remus entered. Black looked surprised to see him and his face lit up in a smile.

"Remus! What brings you here?"

Remus mutely held out the discontinuation form.

Black's jaw dropped when he saw it. "You're dropping this course?" he asked, shocked.

"Yes."

Black stared at the form in Remus hand, not saying a word.

Remus coughed. "I just need your signature."

Black snatched the form from Remus. " _Fine_ ," he said. His voice had taken on the grumpy tone that Remus hadn't heard since the first day of class. Scowling, Black signed the form and shoved it back into Remus' hand.

***

The discontinuation form sat on Remus' bedside cabinet for two days. He had been on his way to turn it in to Dumbledore, but Remus had stopped himself just outside of Dumbledore's office.

What McGonagall had said weighed most heavily on his mind; the wizarding world wasn't in a peaceful state. Remus thought of his father at the Ministry and the turmoil faced by the Ministry surrounding Voldemort and his followers. Even if Remus wouldn't be able to get a wizarding job, he knew that Defence class would be useful for more than just the NEWT score.

Remus would give Black one more chance. If it happened again, Remus would go to Dumbledore. He didn't want to trouble his Headmaster with his paranoia, but if Black continued to be so unreasonable then he didn't have a choice.

When the morning of the full moon arrived, Remus was in such a foul mood that he couldn't even bring himself to go to Defence class; he would probably snap if he had to deal with Black's sly glances right now. His temper was short, his nerves were shot, and his bones were already aching by noon. It got worse as it got closer to moonrise. He needed to relax or he would end up ripping himself to shreds. As soon as his last class of the day ended, he made his way to the Prefects' bathroom to have a hot soak.

The mermaid in the portrait regarded him lazily before returning to studying her nails. Remus filled the bath with water as hot as he could stand and sunk in so that just his nose and eyes were above the surface. He closed his eyes as he leaned back against the bath wall, willing his muscles to relax.

His thoughts were a jumble: the fear that always consumed him before his transformations, worry about school, and, most prominently, Black. Tomorrow night Remus would go to Black's office to write the exam that the other students would be writing tomorrow morning. Why couldn't Black leave the exam until next week? Why couldn't he have had it this morning, even?

Remus only felt more agitated as he went over these things in his head. He forced himself to push the thoughts from his mind. Instead he focused on his breathing and the feel of the hot water against his tense muscles.

He was almost starting to relax when he heard a high giggle from near the taps.

"Is it true?"

Remus jumped and pushed himself back towards the wall of the bath, pulling his knees up to shield himself from view. He knew that voice.

As expected, there was Moaning Myrtle floating by the taps.

"Myrtle!" Remus snapped, "You know you're not allowed in here anymore!"

Myrtle had been banned from the Prefects' bathroom after several complaints from male prefects about Myrtle's peeking habits.

Myrtle didn't seem to have heard him, "Is it true?" she asked again, "Is he really back?"

"Is who back?"

"Sirius Black!"

Remus groaned at the name. _Again_ with Black. There really was no escape from him.

"I was just sitting in the S-bend and I heard some girls talking about 'Professor Black' and how handsome he is. And I thought, well, I thought it might be Sirius."

"Yes, it's him. He's the new Defence teacher."

Myrtle let out a high-pitched squeal of delight that made Remus want to smash his own head against the wall.

"Really!" Myrtle was floating dreamily above the surface of the water now, and Remus tried to move himself into the corner of the bath. "Oh, he was so handsome when he went to Hogwarts. His brother was good looking too, but, well, Sirius was the _bad boy_."

"That's lovely, Myrtle," Remus said dryly. He didn't want to be having this conversation with Myrtle now, or ever.

"You know, Sirius took me to the graduation dance with him."

Remus held back a laugh. "Is that so?" he asked sceptically. Somehow he couldn't believe that a rich, handsome pure-blood like Black would end up having to take Moaning Myrtle as his date for a dance.

"It was my first date. I was so happy to go with him." Myrtle sighed dreamily at the memory.

Remus pushed himself further into the corner. If he was lucky, maybe Myrtle's fantasizing about Black would occupy her and she would drift away.

"Oh, Remus, could you do something for me?" Myrtle asked giddily.

"I guess so," Remus replied. Anything to get rid of her.

A strange flush was spreading over Myrtle's transparent cheeks. "Could you – could you tell Sirius that, well, if he's interested..." She trailed off, a bit too overcome with giddiness to continue.

"Tell him what?"

"Could you tell him that I'm still single?"

Remus couldn't help himself - he actually did laugh at this.

"What's funny about it?" Myrtle demanded, voice rising. A temper tantrum was clearly coming on.

"I just don't think that..." Remus started say, trying to think of a way to phrase it that wouldn't offend Myrtle.

"I know what you must be thinking: 'Sirius wouldn't be interested in _her!_ Fat Myrtle, ugly Myrtle! _Boring_ and _spotty_ and _miserable!_ '" Myrtle cried, getting more and more upset.

"Why don't you go tell him yourself? If you floated over to the staff wing you would be able to see him."

A furious look crossed Myrtle's face and Remus immediately knew that he had said the wrong thing.

" _Fine_ ," Myrtle squeaked, "I know how it is. No one will do anything for Myrtle because she's _DEAD!_ "

With an ear-splitting screech, Myrtle disappeared up the tap.

Remus was normally more polite to Myrtle because he knew what it was like to feel like an outcast, but right now he was in no mood to deal with her, especially if she wanted to talk about Black.

Moonrise was now less than an hour away. Remus reluctantly dragged himself out of the bath. The hot water had helped somewhat in relaxing him, and with the consuming dread of his impending transformation, Black was the last thing on Remus' mind.

***

The next morning Remus awoke bandaged and bruised in the hospital wing, feeling quite terrible but not as bad as he had last month. Relaxing before the full moon really did help him to get through with fewer injuries. He was able to feed himself when Madam Pomfrey brought him some porridge, and the fact that James and Peter showed up before classes told him that he hadn't been unconscious for a terribly long time.

Peter had his nose buried in his Defence textbook, cramming at the last minute before the exam.

"You get to miss another Defence exam," Peter said, not looking up from his textbook.

"Believe me, I'd rather be writing it now and not have to write it in Black's office tonight."

"He doesn't use his office," James commented idly, "I always go down there but he's never in it. What's it like?"

"Empty. I don't think he goes in there very often. Only when he has to meet a student because he puts exams right around the full moon." Remus couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice with this statement.

"Hey, that's right, this is the second one you're missing." James sounded unconcerned as he realized this.

"You're lucky you have extra time to study," Peter said from behind his textbook.

Remus smiled wryly. "Lucky? Would you rather be in my place?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean that."

"It's okay. You'd better get going to class, you don't want to be late for the exam."

James and Peter said goodbye and stood to leave, and Remus watched his friends as they left the hospital wing. It was times like this when Remus wished he could just be a normal boy.

When Remus started at school, he was given the order that his condition was to be kept absolutely secret; no matter how close he became with anyone, he couldn't reveal his secret. He was horrified when James and Peter had first found out, but it had been the best thing that had ever happened to him. They were his best friends and he felt unbelievably lucky to have met such people.

But the anti-werewolf attitudes of the wizarding world had made Remus hesitant to develop any further friendships. Throughout his years at school, Remus had started to make friends with several other people, but he always ended up pulling away from these friendships out of fear that his new friends might discover his secret. How would these people feel if they found out that their seemingly kind friend Remus was actually a dangerous dark creature?

It was late afternoon when Madam Pomfrey released Remus from the hospital wing. Remus spent the afternoon resting and trying not to think about what would happen later tonight. He might need all the strength he could muster in case he had to duel with Black.

James and Peter came back to the dormitory after classes.

"The Defence exam wasn't bad," James said vaguely. Remus didn't reply.

"You're still angry about having to write it with Black?" Peter asked.

James turned to Remus, confused. "Why are you angry about it?" he asked.

Remus tried not to glare at Peter for mentioning this in front of James. "It's just, I think it might be obvious that I've missed exams twice already this year. What if someone suspects something?"

James just shrugged. "You shouldn't be so paranoid about it."

"I'm not being paranoid. I have to be cautious about this, it's just the way things are. I can't pretend that werewolves are loved by the wizarding world," Remus said. He and James had argued about this before: Remus knew that his own fears about werewolf prejudice were well founded, but James refused to accept it. Remus could already feel an angry prickle under his skin at the impending argument.

"I think you over-exaggerate it a bit," James said. He was trying to sound casual and dismissive, but it was clear there was some stronger emotion underneath.

"I do not!" Remus snapped.

"You do! Not everyone is watching you, waiting to pick out something strange. You think it's such a big deal, but it's not! You're just feeling sorry for yourself," James said, his voice rising in anger.

Remus glared at James. "I'm not _'feeling sorry for myself'_." He hated the way that James could just act like it was no big deal that Remus was actually a dangerous dark creature.

James was on his way out the door. "I'm just saying you're a bit absorbed in your own world. You overanalyse things and convince yourself into thinking that everyone hates you. If you would just stop worrying so much you'd be a lot better off." James gave Remus a pointed look before he left the room.

Remus glanced over at Peter, who had been standing awkwardly to the side listening to the exchange. Peter just shrugged.

Remus had no energy to argue when he was feeling so wretched. How could James say something like that? If anyone was absorbed in their own world, it was James. Remus wasn't over-exaggerating how much people would despise him if they knew that he was a werewolf. In fact, the Black family was a prime example of anti-werewolf attitudes. And tonight, Remus would have to go face a Black.

***

Reluctantly, Remus trudged to Black's office again. His body was aching terribly and he felt exhausted, but he knew he couldn't let his guard down here. This would be the perfect opportunity if Black wanted to attack him. Remus would be concentrating on the exam and wouldn't be prepared to defend himself, and he was so tired that he wouldn't be able to put up much of a fight anyway. Black had been so friendly lately but maybe he was just waiting for a moment like this. Remus felt sick with nerves.

Black's office door was closed and there didn't seem to be anyone inside. Remus knocked anyway, but he wasn't surprised when no one answered.

Sighing, Remus leaned against the wall and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Where was Black?

Remus glanced at his watch; he had been waiting almost half an hour. Various students and teachers had been passing by as he waited. He was sure McGonagall had passed him three times already, and she had given him a very strange look last time.

Remus considered sitting down on the floor to wait, but he was so exhausted that he might fall asleep if he did. Instead, he just sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall. Maybe Black had forgotten? Remus would wait another ten minutes before he would give up and go back to his dormitory.

He heard footsteps at the end of the hall. Opening his heavy eyes, he saw that it was McGonagall again. She stopped in front of him and gave him a quizzical look.

"Lupin, is there a reason why you're waiting outside Professor Black's office?" she asked.

"I'm supposed to be writing a make-up exam with Professor Black right now."

A pleased smile passed over McGonagall's face. "I see you've chosen to remain in the class. I'll go find Professor Black for you." She turned and headed off in the direction she had come from.

Ten minutes later, there was the sound of hurried footsteps in the corridor. Black rounded the corner with a messy stack of papers under his arm.

"Remus!" he said, shocked, "You didn't drop the class?"

Black was grinning at him, but Remus just shrugged.

"After I signed that form for you I thought you had gone, and you weren't in class yesterday morning. I hadn't realized you didn't turn in the form to Dumbledore. I'm glad you changed your mind! Sorry for making you wait," Black tapped the door handle with his wand. The door swung open and the torches on the wall immediately burst into flames. "Come in. How are you feeling?"

"Fine, sir," Remus mumbled, shuffling in around Black and taking a seat in the chair opposite the heavy desk. He was in no mood to have another one of those bizarre conversations with Black like last time. He had already wasted almost an hour waiting for Black, and now he just wanted to write the exam and leave.

Black seemed to catch on to this and laid the exam down in front of Remus. Remus got to work at once.

Much to Remus' disappointment, Black took a seat in the large chair on the other side of the desk and began staring at Remus in that penetrating way.

It was incredibly unnerving having Black staring at him so closely. Remus struggled to get through the exam as quickly as possible without looking up. He had prepared well for the exam and he was able to answer all the questions without much difficulty. Without bothering to double-check his answers, he passed the exam across the desk to Black. He just wanted to get out of the office.

"That was quick. You must still be quite tired, too," Black commented as he took the exam from Remus.

Remus _was_ tired. _Very_ tired, in fact, and sore, and just a little bit cranky.

"Why do you always have to have exams on days when I'm gone?" Remus snapped without thinking, and instantly regretted it.

But Black just shrugged and smirked as he leaned back in his chair.

"That's just how the schedule works," Black replied nonchalantly.

There was something in Black's voice that sounded knowing, like he knew something that Remus didn't. It bothered Remus.

"I'm sorry, Professor, but can't you move the exams to other days? It's just – I think someone is going to notice that I keep missing exams and practical lessons."

Black was still smirking, staring at Remus with pale grey eyes. "I _suppose_ there is something unusual about my exam placement," he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Remus' hands tightened on the arms of his chair. Until now, he had considered that maybe he was being a bit too paranoid; sure, this was a Black that he was dealing with, but Black had never acted hostile towards him. In fact, Black had been strangely friendly. But here was the truth, and it was just Remus had thought. Black was placing the exams around the full moon deliberately. It had been his intentional all along to get Remus discovered and expelled, and to rid the school of a disgusting half-breed.

"Please, sir... don't you realize that if I'm found out I'll have to leave the school? Parents wouldn't want their children going to school with a dangerous dark creature like me," Remus said quietly.

"But it's not completely secret. Your friends know, don't they?"

Black had fixed him with an intense stare, and for once, Remus didn't look away.

"That's different. They're my closest friends. I know how people feel about werewolves – I'd been seen as a blood thirsty half-breed who would kill someone without a second thought. If people knew, I wouldn't even be able to walk down the street. People would want me dead. It's not just people like you, who come from the old wizarding families, it's everyone. Everyone would hate me if they knew what I really was," Remus almost spat these last words. He hadn't meant to vent like this, but it had just come spilling out. He stared at his own knees, embarrassed at having said these things to Black.

"I don't hate you," Black finally said.

Remus started, eyes flicking up to meet Black's gaze. Was he joking?

"But – but you're a Black."

Black was smirking again. "And, like with werewolves, people tend to make assumptions about Blacks without even bothering to get to know them."

For once, Remus was the one doing the staring

"You… _oh_. I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have thought that," Remus stuttered nervously.

"Don't worry about it," Black said, smiling encouragingly.

"I just thought that… if your family…"

Black shook his head, "I'm not much like my family."

A wave of embarrassment washed over Remus and he was sure his face was going red. He stood up suddenly.

"I have to go," he said hurriedly, and left Black's office.

This time Remus wasn't in a rush to leave because he was scared of Black; no, he was mortified, embarrassed at how stupid and ignorant he had been. He had been so determined that Black held prejudiced views against him that he hadn't even considered that he had made the same ignorant mistake in judging Black.

Black had never been anything but friendly to Remus. It was Remus' own prejudice that had stood between them like a wall, casting a shadow over his opinion of Black. Now it was like Remus was seeing Black in the light for the first time. Seeing this new perspective of Black (handsome Black who knew that Remus was a werewolf and wasn't bothered by it) made Remus feel a strange mixture of shock, relief, and something he couldn't quite place.

Two months ago, Remus would have never thought that his opinion of Black could ever be changed. Up until a few minutes ago he had been convinced that Black would kill him at any opportunity. And now the feelings had transformed completely.

Suddenly Remus felt like it wasn't such a bad thing that he couldn't get away from Black.


	4. Chapter 4

The papers on the desk had been hastily shoved aside and were getting crumpled under Remus' body as he arched up against Black. Black was above him on the desk, bearing down on Remus with a kiss of such intensity and passion that Remus could hardly believe it could be real.

Even through heavy robes Remus could feel the heat radiating between their bodies. He reached up to grasp Black's shoulders, wanting to pull Black closer, wanting to feel the heat of their bodies pressing together. He needed to feel that body against his own.

He slid his hands down over Black's chest, feeling the hard muscle through his thick robes and the heavy pounding of Black's heart underneath. "I should have come to my senses sooner," Remus gasped into their kiss. He had wasted so much time running away from Black when he could have been having _this_ instead.

Black was grinning against Remus' mouth. "I've been waiting for you for months. I'd try to catch your eye in class, I made you come to my office twice. It was nearly driving me mad not having you."

Black's mouth moved over Remus' jaw and down his neck. The barest hint of teeth scraping over the sensitive skin of Remus' neck made Remus shiver and an aroused thrill coursed through his body. He groaned deeply, arching up and splaying his hands over Black's chest.

"Fuck, Remus..." Black's voice was low and husky, a deep growl that Remus could feel rumbling in Black's chest. There were too many clothes between them. Remus needed to feel more of Black, needed to touch ever inch of his skin. Remus trailed his hands down Black's body, over his chest and stomach, down further until his fingertips brushed over the fabric of Black's trousers and the growing hardness underneath.

"Remus," Black said again against Remus' neck, but there was something strange about it, like his voice was growing fainter. Remus reached for the zipper of Black's trousers but it slipped from his hand and Black was gone. Remus quickly sat up and looked around the empty room, searching for Black.

"Remus!" he heard again, though he couldn't tell where it was coming from. The torches were dimming, the lines of the room were blurring. Remus clutched onto the desk below him. Everything was fading.

" _Oi, Remus! Wake up!_ "

Remus awoke with a jolt. He was drenched in sweat and his bedclothes were twisted uncomfortably around him. He was in the Gryffindor boys dormitory, in his own bed, alone. Peter was peering down at him through the bed curtains.

"You okay? You'd better get up soon, or you're going to miss breakfast." Peter disappeared, and Remus waited until he heard the dormitory door shut behind Peter before he let himself groan. Yes, he was certainly _up_ , in more ways than one.

To think, his mind had already jumped to that! It had only been last night that Black had said he didn't hold the same prejudiced views against werewolves that the rest of his family did, and Remus' brain had already twisted it into something more. That dream had been so real that he felt like he could still feel the heat of Black's body in his hands.

Remus took a much-needed trip to the showers before he ran down to breakfast, and he managed to grab a slice of toast before he had to hurry off to class. From those early hours of the morning Black was already on his mind. Which classes would Black be teaching today? What would he be doing in the evening? What would he be doing this weekend? Remus had to raise an eyebrow at his own thought process when he started wondering what Black's favourite food was. What was Remus doing, wondering such silly and pointless things about Black?

Remus pushed it from his mind; he had other things to focus on. Like pranking. James was either ignoring or had forgotten about their argument yesterday, and Remus decided that he would ignore it as well. After classes he followed James and Peter to the Entrance Hall and he was soon busy spelling the front doors to cuss at passer-throughs (James' idea, of course).

Footsteps were coming nearer, accompanied by a familiar grumbling that told them that it was Filch approaching. They made a run for it and dashed out the front door, but quickly encountered an obstacle as James knocked head-first into Black.

"Professor Black!" Remus found himself shouting, half in surprise and half in excitement.

Filch was out the door after them a second later.

"I've got you this time!" Filch snarled. He made a rough grab for James, who was still trying to steady himself. Black knocked Filch's arm away.

"What's the problem, Filch?" Black asked casually, though his voice was cold.

"They were up to no good!" Filch growled, "I know it!"

" _Bastard_."

Filch whipped around to glare at the castle doors that had just uttered the word. "Did you hear that? That's what they did!"

Black was smirking. "Really, Filch, I think you're being unreasonable about this whole thing. I was just going for a walk with these boys, they weren't doing anything wrong."

Filch's beady eyes were full of malice. "You think you're so high and mighty now, Black, but there was a time when I was the one-"

"That's enough. Go terrorize some other students."

Filch glared at Black in silent rage. After a long stare-down, Filch finally turned on a heel and marched back into the castle.

" _Wanker,_ " the door muttered after him.

James and Black were immediately howling with laughter, and Peter began laughing too. Remus could hardly believe that a teacher had spoken like that to Filch, but in spite of his disapproval he found himself laughing as well.

"That was brilliant!" James managed to get out, "I've never seen anyone talk to him like that!"

"It feels so good to finally be able to put him in his place!" Black was still laughing, "You're lucky you had me to cover for you, I was just passing by on my way to visit Hagrid."

"We'll come too!" James said eagerly.

Black hesitated. "Hagrid said he had something important to show me, so..." Black trailed off, looking at the three boys happily grinning at him.

He stopped and smiled broadly when he met Remus' eyes.

"So you should come!"

They set off over the hills towards Hagrid's house. James began talking to Black about the Quidditch team's prospects for the upcoming Gryffindor verses Ravenclaw match, and Remus and Peter followed behind them.

 _Merlin_ , Remus felt like an idiot. Here he was staring at the back of Black's head like some stupid love-struck girl. He didn't know why he felt such a strange pull towards Black; sure, Black had accepted that Remus was a werewolf, but so had James and Peter, and Dumbledore, and the rest of the school staff. It had been quite a shock to learn that Black didn't hold the same sort of views as the rest of his family, but that didn't mean Remus had to start thinking about him at all hours of the day.

They reached Hagrid's house and Black knocked on the large door. "Hagrid?" he called loudly.

"That you, Sirius? Come in!" came Hagrid's booming voice from inside.

Black tentatively pushed open the door.

"I brought some friends-"

Hagrid had his back to the door and he was bending over something in the corner near the fire. He apparently hadn't heard what Black was saying. "Glad yeh got me owl, I knew yeh'd- oh, hello boys!" Hagrid turned and smiled broadly at their group.

There was suddenly the sound of high mewling from behind him and Hagrid's smile grew even wider.

"Got somethin' to show yeh all!"

Hagrid ushered them all around the table to see what was in the corner. It seemed to be a ball of fuzz in a basket.

"Beau'iful, aren' they?" Hagrid said dreamily. Upon closer inspection, the ball of fuzz revealed itself to be four baby Kneazles. Without their ears fully grown, they looked just like a litter of kittens. There were two ginger Kneazles, one grey, and one calico. The grey Kneazle had tumbled out of the basket and was beginning to make its way towards Peter's feet.

"They'd been livin' behind Aberforth's in Hogsmeade. Their poor mum left 'em and didn' return. Aberforth said they'd been mewling out there fer days, and I couldn't jus' leave 'em to die."

Peter bent down to pet the Kneazle nuzzling his foot. The rest of the Kneazles were beginning to crawl out of the basket and they were clumsily stumbling towards the boys, staring up at them with wide curious eyes.

Black laughed disbelievingly as he ran a hand through his hair. He looked extremely amused.

"From your letter I thought it was something about..." Black laughed again, and bent down to stroke the fur of the one of the ginger Kneazles. " _Kneazles_ , of all things!"

Hagrid grinned at him. "I knew yeh'd like 'em. They're curious little guys, quite the handful. But jus' lookin' at their lit'le faces makes it all worth it," Hagrid looked down at the Kneazles adoringly, glowing with affection.

Eventually Hagrid put the kettle on and served them all some of his homemade rock cakes (which were a bit too literal for Remus' tastes and teeth), and they all sat down around the table. The Kneazles seemed to be incredibly pleased at having company and were busy crawling over the visitors.

"They're certainly a lot more friendly than the type of pets you normally keep!" Black laughed, removing the grey kneazle from where it had crawled all the way up onto his shoulder. He set the Kneazle back down on the table.

"The others were perfec'ly friendly too. Jus' had different ways of showin' their affection," Hagrid said.

"Last year your Fire Crab lit my hair on fire!" James said accusingly. That had been quite the afternoon.

"That jus' meant she liked yeh. A lot o' them creatures are perfec'ly friendly once yeh get to know 'em, just got to give 'em a chance."

"Next thing we know you'll be getting a dragon," Black said, grinning at Hagrid knowingly.

Hagrid looked thoughtful. He clearly wasn't entirely opposed to having a dragon living with him in his house. James' hand flew up to ruffle the back of his own hair, haunted by the memory of what had happened the last time that Hagrid had a fire-breathing pet.

"Maybe you should hold off on getting a dragon for just a _bit_ longer," Remus said, watching the calico Kneazle as it inspected the rock cakes on the table, "I think you're going to have enough on your hands with these Kneazles!" The Kneazle had just attempted to take a bite of one of Hagrid's rock cakes and was now staring at it in disdain. Remus reached to pick up the Kneazle off the table and took it in his arms.

"Heh, I think yeh must be right. These lit'le guys are already a handful of trouble," Hagrid beamed at the Kneazles around the room. "More rock cakes fer anyone?"

No one replied, but Hagrid stood to retrieve the canister of rock cakes. Remus absentmindedly stroked the head of the calico Kneazle that he still held in his arms. It had been difficult to prevent himself from outright staring at Black as they talked. Remus had never seen this casual friendly side of Black before. He knew it existed because of the way James talked about Black, but Remus had always been too concerned about getting away from Black to notice his friendly nature. Now, sitting next to Black, Remus found himself entranced by everything from the gentle creasing around Black's eyes when he smiled to the sound of Black's easy laughter.

Remus had been continuing to stroke the Kneazle and he felt a brush of a hand against his own. He glanced up to find Black reaching over to touch the Kneazle and smiling handsomely at Remus.

Remus was frozen in place for a moment before he nervously pulled his hand away from Black, face going hot. He didn't look at Black again, but he was filled with a strangely light-headed feeling when he realized that it had been the first touch that they had ever shared.

They had been at Hagrid's house nearly an hour before James announced that he had to get to Quidditch practice, and Remus and Peter followed after him. Black said he had something to talk about with Hagrid and stayed behind.

James joined the rest of the Gryffindor team on the Quidditch pitch while Remus and Peter climbed the stairs up to the stands and sat down to watch the practice. Remus' mind was still occupied with thoughts of Black. He could hardly believe his own behaviour today: thinking about Black all day, even _blushing_ when Black had touched him. He knew he was being a fool by acting this, but he couldn't help it. He was so drawn to what he had never seen in Black before.

"I see you've changed your mind about Black," Peter commented.

Remus stared at Peter in horror, suddenly wondering if Peter was secretly a Legilimens or something.

"Am I wrong? I just thought that this afternoon with Black you didn't seem as anxious and slouchy as usual. You seemed to be downright friendly!"

"Oh. Right," Remus laughed, trying to sound casual, like he hadn't just spent most of the day fantasizing about Black. "Yesterday in Black's office he said something that really made me think. He pointed out that people make assumptions about both werewolves and Blacks, and I realized that I had done to him what I had always feared that people would do to me. You were right about him all along."

For once, Peter was the one who looked unconvinced. "What if he was lying?" Peter asked sceptically, "Just yesterday you were completely convinced that he wanted to kill you. How could your opinion of him change so entirely?"

Remus just shrugged and grinned. "I'm sure stranger things have happened."

The Gryffindor Quidditch team were taking to the air now and Peter's attention turned to the practice. Peter was watching eagerly, cheering James on, but Remus' mind was wandering and he found himself staring at Hagrid's house in the distance. Unconsciously he touched the spot on his hand where Black had touched him earlier.

At once he jerked his hand back and turned back to the practice. It was ridiculous, thinking about Black this much, and in this way. Black was a teacher, and the way he acted towards Remus was just being friendly. That was all. The handsome smiles, that deliberate touch, those captivating stares in class...

 _Stop it_ , Remus told himself.

***

A cold wind picked up overnight and Remus dug his warmer robes out of his trunk. Today would be the first Hogsmeade visit of the year. The students stood huddled together in the courtyard, not yet accustomed to the colder weather. Remus pulled his striped school scarf higher over his face to shield himself from the icy wind as they set off over the grounds towards Hogsmeade.

Black was still on his mind, the ghost of another dream lingering in Remus' fingertips. Remus had reluctantly admitted to himself that he had a... he had a... Remus had to clear his throat before he could even think the word. A _crush._ He hated that word, but it was true, wasn't it? Silly, pointless affection with a complete impossibility of anything further because Black was a teacher. Even if Black had acted somewhat affection towards Remus, nothing would come of it.

As was tradition, the three boys made their first Hogsmeade stop at the Three Broomsticks. It was already packed with students, and they searched the crowded pub for somewhere to sit.

Hagrid's hulking figure was clearly visible in the corner, and sitting with him - Remus' stomach twisted oddly, but not unpleasantly - was Black.

Hagrid noticed them first and waved them over with a huge hand. He had an enormous tankard on the table in front him. Black sat beside him with a tumbler of what looked like Firewhiskey and a leather jacket draped over the back of his chair. Black smiled handsomely as the boys approached and Remus felt a bit light-headed as they sat down at the table.

The barmaid, a young, pretty witch, came by a second later.

"What can I bring for you boys? Butterbeer?" she asked cheerfully, standing a little closer to Black than necessary.

"Yeah, three."

The barmaid glanced down at Black, flipping her long blonde hair.

"Make that four?" she asked.

"Hm? Yeah," Black said, glancing at her uninterestedly. She left their table and disappeared into the crowd.

James began talking about the Quidditch team's chances again, updating Black and Hagrid on what had went on at practice. James was convinced that they would definitely win the upcoming game against Ravenclaw.

"This is the best team we've had in years!" he said excitedly to Black and Hagrid, "You should have come to see the practice yesterday!

"Hagrid and I had some important business to attend to. I'll come next time," Black said.

"What were you talking about anyway?" James asked. Essentially in James-language this meant, 'What could be more important than Quidditch?'

Hagrid and Black exchanged glances. It was clearly a private matter. Remus would have elbowed James for being so nosey if they were sitting beside each other.

"Well, uh..." Hagrid started to say awkwardly, looking to Black for help.

"We were naming Hagrid's Kneazles," Black said.

Hagrid's face lit up at this. "Tha's right!"

"Kneazles? How sweet!" the barmaid had returned and passed out the bottles of Butterbeer. She brushed against Black, obviously trying to get his attention. Remus found that he instantly disliked this barmaid, though he did feel pleased that Black seemed to be ignoring her **.**

Hagrid was telling of the names that been given to the Kneazles:

"The grey one is called Havelock, he's the biggest out of all of 'em. The two gingers are the females, Sirius named 'em Agnetha and Frida. And the calico one, would yeh believe it, he's got a patch on his side tha's shaped jus' like a heart. So we called 'im Valentine," Hagrid said, beaming as if he were talking about his own children.

The conversation had moved on to a tale of one of James' recent pranks, but Remus wasn't paying attention. He was thinking back to how yesterday he had been holding the Kneazle named Valentine when Black had reached out to touch his hand. Remus glanced up briefly at Black's handsome face.

His heart nearly stopped when he found Black staring at him intently. The Butterbeer bottle that Black was holding was pressed against the curve of his mouth, lips cradling the head. Remus let out a startled gasp and quickly turned away, glancing back a second later to find Black's pale gaze still fixed upon him. Black's mouth was still cradling the bottle and a smile was playing at his lips.

Remus stared back, entirely mesmerized by the sultry desire in Black's gaze. The intensity in his eyes, the hot sexuality of his mouth still pressed against the bottle... Remus' throat went dry as he could easily imagine the same look on Black's face as Black kneeled in front of him and those lips wrapped around his-

"This one's jus' like you were!" Hagrid's booming voice broke the trance. Hagrid clapped Black on the back, nearly knocking Black face-down onto the table. Hagrid didn't seem to notice as Black choked on the Butterbeer that had sloshed out of the bottle.

What a way to ruin a moment! Remus' heart was racing, and other body parts were certainly responding as well. Remus was glad that he was sitting down and his lower half was mostly concealed by the table. He hoped he hadn't imagined the meaning behind that look. It seemed impossible, like it was just another one of Remus' dreams, but it has been intensely real.

Eventually Hagrid pushed his chair back and stood. "I should be off t' check on my babies," he said, beginning to shrug on his massive coat. "You comin', Sirius?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah," Black finished what was left of his Butterbeer and stood to join Hagrid. He pulled on his leather jacked and grinned at the three boys left at the table. "See you lot, then."

They said their goodbyes and Black and Hagrid left the pub. Remus was disappointed to see Black leave, but a thrill lingered behind at what had passed between them.

Peter left shortly afterwards to meet a girl(friend?) leaving James and Remus alone to explore Hogsmeade.

It was nice to be able to spend time with James again. Earlier in the school year, when Remus had been absolutely convinced that Black was a werewolf-hating pure-blood supremacist, Remus had felt somewhat betrayed that James had been so fond of Black. Now Remus could see how wrong he had been. He felt foolish for how obstinate he had acted and how testy he had been with James.

"Hey, James?" Remus said while they were in Zonko's.

"Huh?" James asked. He was examining a biting teacup.

"I've been a right git to you this year. What you said about me feeling sorry for myself, you were right. I was being an idiot. So, um. I'm sorry," Remus said. He knew it sounded silly, and James had probably not even noticed that Remus had been acting different, but Remus wanted to say it anyway.

"Oh. Right. Well, no harm done, then?" James was never good at personal talks, and he just clapped Remus on the shoulder. Remus grinned at him.

They met up with Peter again later in the afternoon, and, being that Peter flat out refused to say anything about which girl he had been with, James and Remus prodded him about it mercilessly for the rest of their stay in Hogsmeade **.** It was beginning to snow as they walked back to the castle before supper, but sitting down to the feast in the Great Hall certainly warmed their moods.

"Did you have a nice day at Hogsmeade, Evans?" James asked suddenly, turning to Lily.

For a moment Lily looked startled that James had asked such a normal question. "Uhm, yes. It was good," she said hesitantly, wary of James' usual antics, "How was your day?"

"It was very nice, thank you," James said politely, and returned to his dinner. Remus had to laugh at the positively baffled expression on Lily's face. Her surprise reflected how unusual it was that James was acting this normal.

James had changed in the short time since he had befriended Black. Seeing the similarity between himself and Black had shown James that being an adult didn't mean he had to stop having fun entirely. James had been slowly starting to act more mature, and he even seemed to be catching on to the idea that bothering a girl until she went mad wasn't the best way to woo her.

Remus glanced over at the staff table, searching for Black. Black was faced away from Remus and talking with Flitwick. Black must have noticed the stare, and he glanced over at Remus and winked. Remus grinned and raises his goblet in a toast.

Normally Remus would be trying to talk himself out of this, because honestly, a teacher? How could Remus possibly think that a teacher like Black might be interested in him? But thinking back to the way Black had been looking at him today, the intensity of Black's eyes, the way his lips had been purposefully wrapped around the bottle, it was impossible to deny the sexuality in that.

He wanted to know more of Black. In the past two days he had spent several hours in Black's company and it had only strengthened the pull he felt towards Black. He wanted to see Black again, and he wanted to know what it would be like to spend time with Black alone.

It was extremely difficult to focus on homework that evening. Remus felt light-headed just thinking about the smile Black had given him at dinner. And that earlier look while they were at the Three Broomsticks, Remus couldn't forget the look in Black's eyes and the provocative curve of his lips. Eventually Remus gave up hope of getting any studying done and set his mind on thinking of more creative uses for Black's mouth.


	5. Chapter 5

"It's time," James announced suddenly. He rose from his seat in the Gryffindor common room.

Remus grinned. He knew that this was coming. It was the evening of Hallowe'en, and a Hallowe'en prank from James was inevitable. Truthfully James' pranks had been few over the past months; as Remus had noticed, James was growing up a bit. But no matter what, whether James was seventeen or seventy, Hallowe'en always required a prank of high calibre.

They slunk out of the common room as inconspicuously as possible. Being that it was still early in the evening, the common room was crowded with students and they were able to slip through the portrait hole unnoticed.

"We wouldn't need to start so early if our third member wasn't so traitorously gallivanting with the opposite sex," James said jokingly. Peter had futilely insisted that reason he had disappeared earlier in the evening _wasn't_ because he was sneaking off to meet a girl, but his bright red face revealed that this definitely wasn't true. "Unfair, isn't it? He's got all the luck. Though Evans has been rather taken with my charms lately." James grinned and stroked his chin in a way that he probably thought was dashing and handsome.

"Tonight would be a poor choice for a date anyway. As I understand, we have quite a bit of work to get done before midnight. Just what have you got planned?" Remus was eager to find out what sort of idea James had come up with this year.

James launched into a description of the prank. It was so intricate and extensive that it seems like James had been planning it for over a month now, developing the new charms and potions that were needed to orchestrate the plan. He had really outdone himself this year.

Remus could hardly believe what he was hearing. He wasn't exactly sure what the final goal of this prank was; there were so many parts to it that he couldn't understand how everything would work together as a whole. But when it came to making mischief, it was best to just trust James' natural talent.

During the explanation, James had led them to a long corridor with many golden suits of armour.

"Here's phase one: the armour," James performed a wand moment and tapped a suit of the armour on the head. The armour shuddered violently for a second before it resumed its normal stance, though there was a dull buzzing sound as the armour vibrated with the force of the charm inside it.

"Sorry - _why_ is it that we need the armour, again?" Remus asked. There were so many components to the prank that he couldn't understanding where the armour fit in.

James turned to him and grinned. "Well, we need _someone_ to play in the orchestra."

Remus shook his head, grinning in disbelief. "Brilliant," he said. This was Remus' favourite sort of prank; completely ridiculous, but overall harmless. In fact, most of the students would probably enjoy the prank. Remus imitated the wand movements that James had performed and tapped the next suit of armour, setting it buzzing from the charm.

James turned to him suddenly.

"Lupin, you are a fraud," he said accusingly.

"What?" Remus raised his eyebrows. James' face was very serious but there was something mischievous underneath it.

"A sorry excuse for a prefect, is what. You act like you're so proper and then you agree to do things like this with me. You _love it_ , don't you?" A grin was spreading over James' face as he said this.

"I suppose I'm not entirely good," Remus admitted, grinning back at James. Teachers often said that trouble followed James wherever he went, and if this was true then it meant that Remus was a part of that trouble.

"Well, that's perfectly fine with me. Alright, we have a lot of ground to cover, so we'll split up. You take the east wing, and I'll take the west. Meet back here in half an hour and we'll get started on phase two."

They headed in opposite directions. Remus followed the corridors and passageways through the east wing, bewitching the suits of armour that he came across. He tried to look as innocent as possible when he passed students or teachers in the corridors, though he was feeling the familiar thrill of rule-breaking.

Soon half an hour had almost passed and Remus would have to go meet James again. He entered a corridor on the third floor that was lined with portraits and three suits of armour. These would be the last suits of armour he would cast the charm on, though he was sure that by now they must have more than enough for a spectacular orchestra.

Remus was performing the charm on the last suit of armour when he heard a horribly familiar voice around the corner.

"What's that, my pretty? Do you smell students up to no good?" It was Filch, and by the sound of his voice it seemed like he was getting closer.

Remus cursed under his breath before he took off down the corridor. Filch had an uncanny ability to sense when students were up to mischief and he could always track them down.

Remus managed to make it around the corner without being spotted by Filch, but here he encountered another obstacle: Peeves. Or rather, the desk barricade that Peeves had built. Peeves sat on top of the pile of desks like a king, engrossed in scratching a rude word on one of the desks.

There was no escape here. Remus turned around and found that Mrs. Norris was now sitting in front of him with her eyes glowing like search beacons in the dim light. Remus stood frozen. It was over. Either Filch or Peeves would spot him first, and he would be caught.

A hand suddenly wrapped around Remus' own and yanked him towards the wall. Remus let out a yelp, but he passed straight through the stone.

He had been pulled into a secret passageway. Whoever had grabbed him still held his hand tightly and was leading him down the pitch-black passageway at top speed. Remus couldn't see who it was through the darkness, but he could tell from the laugh ahead of him that this was Black leading him along.

Remus grinned and allowed himself to be led through the passageway. It was terrifying moving so quickly when he couldn't see where he was going, but it was clear that Black knew this passageway well.

Finally they emerged at the other end. A quick glance behind himself told Remus that they had just passed through another fake wall. Black still held his hand tightly as they raced down the corridor.

They rounded the corner and Remus recognized this as the corridor where Black's office was. Here Black finally stopped and he grinned at Remus before he opened the door and pushed Remus inside the office. Remus stumbled into a chair and Black quickly sat down behind the heavy desk just as Filch appeared at the door.

"Thought you could get away from me, did you?" Filch asked evilly, mossy teeth bared as he grinned at Remus. Mrs. Norris slunk into the room, sitting at Filch's feet and fixing Remus with a knowing stare.

"What do you want, Filch?" Black asked flatly.

"Something has been done to the armour in the portrait corridor, and I just saw him in there. I _know_ he did it."

"You _just_ saw him? The portrait corridor is at least ten minutes away from this room."

"You know as well as I do that there's a secret passageway," Filch said with contempt. "He was in the portrait corridor and took off when he knew I was after him."

Black snorted. " _Brilliant_ deduction skills, Filch, except you missed one very important detail. Remus has been in my office for the past half hour."

"I don't believe that for a second, he - OI, POTTER, GET BACK HERE!"

Filch disappeared from the doorway as he tore off down the corridor. Remus glanced at Black nervously, and Black winked at him.

Filch returned a moment later, shoving a guilty-looking James into the room.

"See, this one was sneaking around too!" Filch snarled, pointing a bony accusing finger at James.

"James was just on his way here. I'm having a meeting with two of my students."

"That's right!" James said, quickly catching onto the lie and taking a seat beside Remus.

The look on Filch's face was near murderous. "I'm not stupid, I know what these two are up to. Every year there's a mess after Hallowe'en from something they've done. I'm always left to fix it, scrubbing up dragon sick, herding Nifflers, trying to unstick the students from the roof," he said furiously.

"Filch. Leave us. We have serious academic matters to discuss."

"I'm onto you, Black. I know you haven't changed a bit," Filch said threateningly before he finally left with Mrs. Norris trailing at his heels.

James and Black burst out laughing. Remus was shocked at how Black had openly lied to Filch like that, though he was relieved that they had escaped.

"You sure saved our necks!" James said.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. If it's me you're talking to, you might still be a suspect for the prank," Black said with a smirk. He had often hinted that he had been a troublemaker while he had attended Hogwarts.

"But we have an alibi now. Filch knows, but he won't be able to prove that it was us. This prank is going to be genius!"

"Bet you've got something big planned for Hallowe'en," Black said.

A huge grin spread across James' face as he launched into a detailed description of the prank.

The prank had gotten even more extreme since James' earlier explanation. Black was greatly entertained by what James was proposing, and even Remus couldn't help but laugh. James' enthusiasm and Black's amusement were contagious.

Remus thought back to what James had always said about Black being different than all the other professors. The easy conversation between the three of them was more like talking to a friend than a professor. Professors generally kept their distance from the personal lives of students, but this bond with Black was different. Talking like this felt so comfortable and familiar.

"Oh, what a pleasant surprise!" came a jovial voice at the door. They turned to find Slughorn standing in the doorway with a jolly grin on his face.

"Evening, Horace," Black said with less enthusiasm than should have been included in a greeting.

"Good evening Sirius, James..." -Slughorn paused as he looked at Remus, clearly having forgotten Remus' name, "... Ralph."

There was a muffled snort of laughter from James, and Remus struggled to hold back a groan. _Ralph._ Remus had long ago given up hope that Slughorn would ever remember his name.

Slughorn was oblivious to the mistake he had just made and was continuing on.

"Sirius, I was just stopping by to ask if you'll be attending the dinner party I'm hosting this Friday. You know Ludo Bagman, he plays for the Wilbourne Wasps, he'll be attending. I would be delighted if you'd stop by as well."

Sirius shrugged. "Yeah," he said noncommittally.

"Wonderful! I knew you'd finally agree, and I assure you that you won't be disappointed. They really are enjoyable evenings. Oh, and James, m'boy, I know you've declined my invitations in the past, but know that you're always welcome."

"I'll see, Professor," James said.

"Aha, wonderful!" Slughorn said again. He glanced at Remus for a moment, but he obviously didn't have anything else to say. Poor Ralph would never be invited to a Slug Club party.

"Well, I'll leave you three to your meeting then. Goodnight Sirius, James, Ralph."

"You're going to miss a hell of a party, Ralph," Sirius said dryly once Slughorn had gone.

"You're actually going to his party?" James asked disbelievingly.

Black shrugged. "I've never been to one before. He's been asking me to join his Slug Club since my school days. The Black name is quite a prized commodity, as I understand. My brother joined, but I never did. I didn't fancy sitting around and stroking Slughorn's ego."

"Evans is fond of him, I don't know why. Sometimes I've considered going to his parties just because I know that she goes, but I don't think I could put up with Slughorn for that long. Now you'll have to sit through a few hours of him!" James laughed, but quickly stopped and jumped to his feet.

" _A few hours_ \- Remus, we have to get going on this prank if we want to get it ready before midnight! We've still got to charm the staircases, the front hall, and the giant squid!"

***

Somehow, _somehow_ they didn't get caught. Everyone knew who was responsible for the prank, though there was no evidence to pin the blame on James or Remus. And really, it didn't seem like many of the students were upset about the prank anyway. Most of the school had had a rather enjoyable night. Filch was furious, of course, especially considering that Dumbledore had enjoyed himself so much that he wasn't interesting in catching or punishing the culprits.

Remus was tired in the morning from being up all night, but he was also in a very good mood. Not only had the prank gone brilliantly, but today he would be going to class with his new favourite professor.

Black didn't act any differently in class than he always had, but Remus was viewing it in a whole new perspective. The look on Black's face whenever he glanced at Remus was subtle, barely noticeable unless one was looking for it. But Remus was definitely looking for it.

He had always know that Black watched him in class and that Black's eyes lingered too long in his direction. It had always bothered Remus before, but now it felt almost erotic to be the target of Black's gaze. Remus still avoided eye contact, though this was for a different reason than it had been in the past. Previously Remus had been trying to hide from Black, but now he was avoiding Black's gaze because it made him feel a bit too warm around the collar.

It wasn't unusual to have a crush on a teacher. Nearly all the boys in the school had been in love with Professor Turpin, the pretty young witch who had taught Defence Against the Dark Arts in Remus' fourth year. And Remus wasn't the only one interested in Black, if the giggling girls in class were anything to judge by. But now it seemed that Black was interested in Remus as well, and Remus wasn't sure what to do about it. Interested, maybe, but could it lead to anything else? Remus knew what he wanted it to be, but that sort of relationship seemed impossible.

Class was over far too quickly for Remus' liking. At the end of class Black announced their next exam, which, for once, would not fall on the day after the full moon.

As relieved as Remus was that he would be able to write the exam with the rest of class, he found himself somewhat disappointed that he wouldn't have this time alone with Black again. But, as Remus reminded himself, he could still go visit Black in his office.

***

Remus sat by the dormitory window, peering out at the snow-covered grounds and listening to the sounds of James banging around as he gathered his Quidditch gear. Remus' mind was wandering as he wondered how he should spend his Saturday.

Normally he would spend it with James and Peter, but they were both busy today. James had Quidditch practice; next week would finally be the first game of the year for Gryffindor, and the team captain was calling last minute practices whenever she had a chance. And Peter had disappeared as well. After much prodding, Peter had finally admitted that _yes_ , he did have a girlfriend, and he was currently on a date with her in the library. This also ruled out Remus' option of going to the library to study, as he didn't want to interfere with Peter's study date (especially considering that Peter and his girlfriend weren't there to study at all).

With nothing to do, Remus let his mind wander down a familiar path that led to Black. He had spent many hours this week lost in similar daydreams. He wanted to spend more time with Black, to find out more about him, to talk to him and to touch him.

"What, have you gone a got a girlfriend too?" James asked suddenly.

Remus turned away from the window and looked at James. "What?" he asked.

"You've got that dazed look on your face, just like Peter's got now."

Remus must have had quite an obvious look on his face if even James had noticed. Picking up on non-verbal cues was never one of James' strong points.

"Well I'm sure you have the same look on your face when you're thinking about a certain redhead," Remus replied with a smirk. James' face lit up with happiness.

"Do you know what she said to me yesterday? I handed her a trowel in Herbology and she said _'thank you_ '." James' face was beaming as he recalled this simple exchange.

Remus laughed. "Sounds like the wedding bells will be ringing any day now."

James smile grew even wider, and the ridiculous look was still on his face as he left the dormitory for Quidditch practice.

Remus reminded himself that he'd have to be more careful about looking so smitten. This was a teacher he was thinking about, and he couldn't let anyone else find out. Though there wasn't anything to ' _find out'_ : just a few looks and a couple of touches on the hand. Despite Remus' infatuation, he had avoided seeking out Black to talk to him alone. But he decided that he would finally give in to what had been on his mind all week: he was going to go visit Black.

He knew it was unlikely that Black would be in his office right now. Black rarely used his office, and he certainly didn't seem like the type to be working on a Saturday. But these thoughts made it all the more exciting when Remus found that Black's office door was open and light was spilling out from inside.

Remus' heart was pounding as he neared the door. He took a deep breath and steadied himself before he peered inside.

Black was sitting at his desk with papers laid out in front of him, but he wasn't focused on the papers at all. He was playing with a small spinning top that was levitating in the air. He hadn't noticed Remus at the door.

Remus almost laughed at finding Black playing with a children's toy; he had been right to think that Black really wasn't the type to be working on a Saturday.

"Good afternoon, Professor," Remus said. Black started at the voice and the spinning top dropped out of the air and onto the floor. Black finally noticed that he had a visitor and a smile spread across his face.

"Remus!" Black said, "Good to see you. Come in, have a seat."

Remus smiled back. He stepped into the room and took a seat in the large chair opposite of Black's desk.

"Working hard, Professor?" Remus asked, amused.

Black laughed. " _Hardly_ working. Just waiting here in case someone decided to stop by. And you don't have to call me 'Professor' anymore, you know. We're friends, aren't we? Just call me Sirius."

"Sure, Sirius," Remus said, enjoying the more intimate sound of the first name.

Black grinned. "That's better. I'm not much of a professor anyway."

"You're a great teacher, though. Everyone likes you," Remus insisted. His admiration for Black's lectures had nothing to do with the romantic attraction he felt.

"I'm not so sure about that, I think the teachers are a still bit wary of me. I imagine that it must seem strange that someone who was once such a troublemaker is now their fellow professor," Black said jokingly.

"But all the students like you. Your lessons are great because it seems like you have real experience. It's so much more than we could get from just reading a textbook," Remus said. He stopped himself before he started gushing too much about all the things that he liked about Black.

Black looked contemplative. "Actually, I don't mind the teaching much, it's not bad. I just... it's like I'm trapped here, cut off from everything. I feel like a chained dog. I want-" Black stopped himself and shook his head. "Sorry, I shouldn't talk about this with you."

Remus frowned. This was a side of Black he had never seen before.

"You can tell me. _'We're friends, aren't we?'_ " Remus said, repeating what Black had said earlier.

Black just shook his head. "Dumbledore would kill me if I said anything. I've said too much already." There was clear contempt in Black's voice. Remus thought back to what Black had said on the first day of class: _"Don't think for a minute that I'm here because I want to be."_

It was a delicate topic, and Remus didn't want to pry for further information. He tried to think of something to change the subject.

"You don't have an exam on the day after the full moon for once. That's a change."

A mischievous look appeared on Black's face, and Remus was happy to see the bad mood so quickly lifted. "Well, I don't have to lure you here anymore, do I? You come on your own."

Remus blinked as he tried to figure out what Black was saying. "That was why you did it?" he asked. He had always known that there was some purpose in the dates Black had set for exams, but once he realized that Black wasn't trying to kill him he hadn't considered the true motive in Black's behaviour.

"Of course. I had to get you to myself somehow," Black said smugly.

Remus didn't share Black's casual attitude about it, and he was too angered to feel pleased at what Black had just said. "That was _very_ dangerous. Someone could have noticed that I was missing."

"You wouldn't even look at me in class, I had to think of another way to get you to talk to me."

"You shouldn't have done it like _that._ If someone had found out, I would have had to leave school!" Remus snapped.

A frown had appeared on Black's face. "I hadn't thought of that. I suppose I have an unusual opinion about werewolves, and sometimes I forget that not everyone feels the same. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it."

"Just- just don't do it again," Remus said sternly.

"I'm sorry," Black said again. A playful look was starting to creep back onto his face. "I'll make it up to you. Why don't you come have dinner with me in my room tonight?"

"I- I- _what?_ " The invite had been so out of the blue that Remus didn't know how to respond.

"Would you come?"

" _I can't._ I can't go in the staff wing," Remus sputtered.

"You can go there, you just have to know where it is," Black said, still grinning.

"I can't," Remus repeated. He was thrilled that Black had invited him, but there was no way he could ever agree to sneak into the staff wing. He'd be in too much trouble if he got caught.

"So if I want you to myself then I'll have to keep having exams around the full moon?"

"You said you wouldn't!"

"I'm only joking, of course I won't do that. But _speaking_ of exams," Black continued, "I've been meaning to talk to you about your last exam. You did _very_ poorly."

There was clearly something mischievous in Black's voice as he pulled a piece of parchment out of his desk drawer. He shook his head in mock disappointment as he looked at the exam.

"The one I wrote in your office?" Remus asked.

"This is the one." Black held up the paper for emphasis, though Remus couldn't see what was written on it.

Remus frowned. Something was definitely fishy about this. "I know I did well on that!" he insisted. He had been exhausted while writing the exam, and he hadn't bothered to check it over when he finished, but he felt that he had done quite well.

"I'm afraid not. I had to fail you," Black said, playful tone still very obvious.

"But Professor-"

"Call me Sirius. Looking at your exam here, it's clear that you have no idea what you're talking about," Black raised an eyebrow at Remus. "Were you paying attention in class at all?"

Remus was beginning to feel nervous. Had he really failed that exam? He stood from his chair and made his way to the other side of the desk so he could see the exam. Black held the exam in front of himself and Remus leaned in to look at it.

Naturally, Remus was quite confused to find that Black was holding a blank piece of parchment. He stared at it for a moment in confusion, trying to figure out just what was going on.

Suddenly Remus became aware that Black's face was very close to his own. He turned his head to find Black staring at him ardently, grey eyes so intense at this short distance. Instantly Remus' heart was thundering in his chest. Black was leaning in towards him, and Remus didn't even consciously think about it as he closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss.

Their positioning was awkward, with Black sitting in his desk chair and Remus standing slouched so that their mouths could press together, but it felt like fireworks were going off in Remus' brain. Was this really happening? Countless dreams like this had slipped away from Remus as reality came crashing back, but this felt so solid that it must be real. Remus reached up drape his hands around Black's shoulders. He could feel the heat radiating off Black's body and _yes,_ this was real.

"Good afternoon!"

The high voice had come suddenly from the fireplace and Remus quickly jumped away from Black. He hadn't noticed that the flames in the fireplace had flared to green as the Floo activated. The voice was recognizable as that of Flitwick, and a moment later Flitwick's head appeared in the flames.

"Yes?" Black responded a bit hoarsely. He had also been startled by the Floo.

"Oh, hello Mr. Lupin! Sirius, it's almost time we get started," Flitwick said.

Black nodded. "Right. I'll be right there," he said.

"Very good," Flitwick replied, "I'll see you in a moment!"

Flitwick's head disappeared from the fireplace and the flames returned to orange and yellow.

With Flitwick gone, the room was silent. Remus stood awkwardly against the wall. The feeling of what they had just done lingered heavily in the air. Remus' throat was dry and his heart was still racing. He had just kissed a teacher. _A teacher._ And it had been every bit as incredibly as Remus had dreamed it to be.

Black still sat in his chair staring at Remus, unsure how to act. He had been the one who had planned the kiss with his ploy about the exam, but even he looked shocked and dazed that it had actually happened.

"I, uh. I guess I'll have to be off," Black finally said. He stood from his chair.

Black was very close, level with Remus, and Remus couldn't hold himself back; he grabbed Black and kissed him again.

Black was grinning when he finally pulled away.

"So you'll come meet me for dinner tonight in my room?" he asked.

"Yes," Remus replied breathlessly.

It was against the rules, but what did it matter?

***

All afternoon, Remus' thoughts were filled with what would happen tonight. This was really happening. Black had- no, _Sirius_ had said that he had been trying to get Remus alone, and they had kissed, and now Remus would be going to the staff wing for a date. All the things that Remus had been hoping for were coming true. The elated, dream-like feelings were so strong that Remus didn't even feel nervous about tonight.

Peter was peering at him oddly. "Are you feeling alright?" he asked.

Remus blinked. "Huh? Of course."

"You look kind of dazed and your eyes are glassy," Peter said.

"Oh, he's sick alright," James laughed, "lovesick. He's had that look on his face all day. Same as you've got, Pete. Remus must be sneaking off to meet a girlfriend, too."

Remus just smirked. This was the casual way they all teased each other, and if Remus tried to protest then it would give James the upper hand. Keeping his silence was the best retort.

"Oho, that smirk! You have got someone, haven't you? C'mon, you don't have to worry about us chasing her off, just look how nice we've been to Peter's girlfriend!"

" _So far,_ " Peter said. "The last ones were frightened away by you two. Remus, if I were you, I'd keep her away from us!"

"I'll keep that in mind," Remus laughed. "Though maybe you shouldn't date girls who are so easily frightened. Hey James, can I borrow your Invisibility Cloak tonight?"

James' face lit up in triumph. "Hah! So you are sneaking off!" he said, but he was already digging through his trunk. Luckily James was very generous with his Invisibility Cloak and didn't pry about the reason it was needed.

When James and Peter went down to dinner, Remus pulled on the Invisibility Cloak and headed in the direction of the staff wing. He followed the hallways that Sirius had told him until he found the entrance to the staff wing, which was very well hidden unless one knew exactly where to look for it. Remus, who had spent a great amount of time sneaking around the castle with James, had never had any idea that the staff wing entrance was here.

He still couldn't believe that this was really happening. Still hidden under the Cloak, he followed the corridors until he came to the door to Sirius' room. Remus calmed a a sudden surge of nerves and then knocked on the door.

It was a moment before Sirius opened the door with a bright smile on his face. He was dressed in Muggle clothes: black trousers, a deep grey shirt, and, to complete the outfit, a frilled pink apron.

The smile faded from Sirius' face as he found the hallway to be seemingly empty.

"It's me!" Remus whispered, unwilling to take off the Cloak until he was safely hidden inside Sirius' room. The smile returned to Sirius' face, and he moved to let Remus step inside.

The first thing that Remus noticed was that it smelled like something had been burning. He glanced at the kitchen suspiciously.

"Quite the cloak you have there," Sirius commented, and Remus finally pulled off the Invisibility Cloak.

"It belongs to James. Very useful for making mischief, as I'm sure you can imagine," Remus said with a grin.

Sirius laughed as he took the Cloak from Remus and hung it by the door. "I certainly can. Make yourself comfortable, supper is almost ready." Sirius disappeared off to the kitchen.

"You're cooking?" Remus called after him. He hoped that this wasn't where the burning smell was coming from. Sirius just glanced back over his shoulder and winked.

As Sirius finished preparing dinner, Remus looked around Sirius' living quarters. He hadn't exactly expected that the teachers would be sleeping in dormitories, but he also hadn't expected something so lavish. The room was furnished in rich shades of emerald. Tapestries hung on the stone walls and soft rugs were underfoot. To the left was a large fireplace with a roaring fire crackling away in it. A plush couch and two armchairs faced the fireplace with a carved wooden table in front of them. Several doorways along the wall led to adjoining rooms. To the right was a small dining area and the door leading to the kitchen. There was a large east-facing window on the far wall, and a stone staircase beside it led to the second level of the suite.

The elegant furniture had most likely come with the room, as it didn't seem like it was much to Sirius' tastes. There were touches of Sirius everywhere, though. A collection of Muggle records sat on the shelves against the wall and Sirius' leather jacket was draped over one of the armchairs. An old newspaper with a half-finished crossword puzzle was stuffed under the couch, where it had probably been hidden as Sirius tidied up the room for a date.

As small thrill spread through Remus at that thought. _A date._

Sirius emerged from the kitchen carrying two plates of pasta. A bottle of wine and a basket of bread floated behind him. Remus was pleased to see that Sirius had apparently left the ridiculous pink apron in the kitchen, as Remus wasn't sure he could he could keep a straight face if Sirius was going to be wearing it.

"Here, have a seat," Sirius said. A small table for two was set with silverware and a candle.

Remus took a seat at the table, and he couldn't help but think of how strange this was. But as Sirius smiled at him, Remus felt incredibly pleased that he had come. It was thrilling to be able to spend time with Sirius like this, to be this close to him and to be sitting down to a candlelit dinner together.

"Go ahead, eat," Sirius said.

Remus looked at the plate in front of him. The pasta was shapeless and in some sort of lumpy red sauce. The burnt smell that still hung in the air made Remus feel doubtful about Sirius' cooking abilities, but perhaps it tasted better than it looked. Hesitantly, Remus picked up his fork and took a bite.

The pasta was like chewing rubber. The sauce was so bland it tasted almost like ketchup. Remus quickly reached for his wine goblet to wash down the taste.

"How is it?" Sirius asked, finally sitting down to eat. He took a bite of the pasta and his face instantly twisted in disgust.

"Uggh, this is terrible!" he said, shocked at his own creation.

"It's fine," Remus insisted. He was determined to enjoy the evening, and he wasn't going to complain about the spoiled supper.

Sirius stared at him with disbelief. "... Are you sure?"

"Yes. More wine, please."

Sirius really had put effort into the meal, even if it turned out badly, and Remus was impressed that Sirius had tried so hard. It was nice to be on a date together, talking and flirting and getting to know each other better. And sitting this close gave Remus a chance to fully admire Sirius' handsome face. Here he didn't have to hide his attraction to Sirius.

"Well _that_ was a disaster," Sirius said, finally vanishing the pasta when they could no longer choke it down, "but I think you'll enjoy dessert a bit more." With a wink, he disappeared into the kitchen again.

"Oh?" Remus called after him, interested.

Sirius returned with a lopsided cake smothered in chocolate icing. Remus grinned. Chocolate in any form couldn't be bad.

But as Sirius cut and served a large slice of cake, Remus started to doubt his own blind acceptance of chocolate. The cake deflated considerably when cut, and it seemed to be both runny and burnt at the same time. This must have been where the burnt smell had come from.

Remus hesitantly picked up his fork again. He looked up at Sirius. Sirius was smiling as he watched Remus contemplate the cake, oblivious to Remus' doubts. Slowly Sirius raised his own hand to his mouth to seductively lick at a bit of stray icing.

It was incredibly sexy to watch the way Sirius' tongue curved around his finger and Remus was completely transfixed by the sight. But the sultry look on Sirius' face quickly changed as he jerked his hand away. His face twisted with a grimace.

"Don't- _do not_ eat that," Sirius said quickly, pulling the plate away from Remus. Sirius took a large gulp of wine to rid himself of the (apparently quite awful) taste.

"Is something wrong?" Remus asked, though the disgusted look on Sirius' face said that the cake was nowhere near edible.

"It's... it's..." Sirius trailed off. He stared dejectedly at the cake for a moment before he laughed. "It's a bit stupid, isn't it? All of this. No one who cooks as bad as I do should every try to impress someone with food."

"I'm happy you invited me here, though," Remus said. He was enjoying Sirius' company, even if the food was bad.

"You should know that I _do_ like you, even if what I tried to make you eat doesn't reflect it."

Sirius was smiling and he laid his hand over Remus'. Remus felt his stomach flutter pleasantly. "That's good," he said.

"Next time I'll get the house elves to bring up something for us to eat. There will be a next time, won't there?"

Remus' response was to stand and press their mouths together. Sirius instantly responded to the kiss and his hands moved to Remus hips. They leaned back against the table, steadying themselves as the kiss deepened. It was so much more than the kisses they had shared in Sirius' office. Here they were alone together, past the initial stumbling steps into this and without the worry of interruption. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius' shoulders, pulling them closer together. He moaned as Sirius' tongue stroked over his own.

Sirius pulled away to grin at him. "Aren't you glad you came to visit me now?" he said, hands stroking over Remus' hips, "I can hardly believe that this real. We'd be in so much trouble if we got caught, I thought that would hold you back, but seems it that you're even more of rule-breaker than I had originally thought."

The reality of the situation hit Remus quite suddenly and he froze in choked realization. Here he was, a student who had snuck into the staff wing and was kissing a teacher. Too quickly had he overlooked the consequences of this. He had known it was against the rules, but his attraction to Sirius had blinded him to the full danger of coming here. If they were caught, there would be more that trouble; Remus might be expelled, Sirius would be fired for sure, and a scandal would follow that would shake the whole school.

Sirius was still kissing him, but he stopped when he realized that Remus had gone rigid. "What's wrong?" he asked, pulling back to look at Remus.

Remus looked into Sirius' tender grey eyes for a moment, then turned away.

"It's just... is this okay?" Remus said hesitantly, "That I'm a..."

A student, a werewolf... Remus didn't know which he wanted to say. 'Werewolf' was what had always held him back before, but 'student' was clearly the more pressing issue.

This didn't seem to affect Sirius. He was still smiling at Remus with one hand stroking over Remus' jaw.

"Why wouldn't it be okay? We're here alone, no one is going to find out."

"We could get caught," Remus said. Getting caught while in Sirius' room was unlikely, but it wasn't impossible. Someone could come through the Floo at any moment, like Flitwick had this morning. Someone could have noticed Remus as he snuck into the staff wing. What they were doing was incredibly reckless.

Sirius raised his eyebrow and smirked. "What, all these years of sneaking around with James and you're scared of breaking the rules?"

This was true; Remus had a bit of experience with rule breaking. But if they were caught, Sirius would be a lot worse off than Remus would.

"You'd be fired if we were caught. I want to do this, but I don't want anything to happen to you because of it."

"Well, you don't have to come visit me again, but I'm going to be quite disappointed," Sirius said. His voice was sincere, but the way he said it made it clear that he didn't have any doubt that Remus would be coming back.

Remus laughed lightly as he ran his hands down along Sirius' arms. "You're quite blind in the pursuit of what you want, you know."

"I think you like that," Sirius said, pressing a gentle kiss against Remus' cheek.

Remus couldn't help but smile. He had to admit, he found himself attracted to the way that Sirius could just throw caution to the wind and go for what he wanted. But was Remus any better? He had broken countless rules throughout his years at school, and he had enjoyed it entirely. Sirius must have been able to sense that Remus was a troublemaker as well.

Yes, it was dangerous. There was no denying that they'd have to be careful. But Remus wanted this, too. He didn't think he could run away from it even if he tried. Embracing his fate, Remus leaned in to kiss Sirius again.

-end Part I-


	6. Part II: Us and Them

Over a thousand graduating classes had passed through the doors of Hogwarts since its founding. For each year of the school's existence there was a portrait that displayed the members of that year's graduating class. Hogwarts history stretched back long before wizard or Muggle cameras had been invented, though there were drawn portraits of the graduating classes right back to when Hogwarts' founders had still been part of the staff.

The corridor leading to the trophy room was lined with the past fifty years of these portraits, and the older portraits were stored away in the library. Each portrait held individual photographs of the students arranged with the other members of their House. A large group photograph of the students and their Headmaster was displayed in the center.

Younger students would occasionally laugh at the strange fashions in the displayed portraits (had that sort of ridiculous moustache ever been fashionable?) but Remus found these pieces of history fascinating. He always lingered in this corridor when he was passing through. Teenage portraits of many of the great names in the wizarding world could be found here, and there were also portraits of many of the current staff members, though many were on the much older portraits stored away in the library.

Remus' thoughts turned to Sirius and he began searching for Sirius' graduating class. He wondered what Sirius had been like while he was a student at Hogwarts. Sirius had been a troublemaker, for sure. Myrtle had said that Sirius was a 'bad boy', but Myrtle had also said that Sirius took her to the graduation dance, so maybe she couldn't be trusted that much.

Remus began his search at the graduates of 1970. These students would have graduated just before Remus started at Hogwarts, and Remus was sure that Sirius had left school before Remus started. Remus would have remembered if they had been students together; his memory of Orion Black would have identified Sirius at once. Remus grinned as he realized how completely his opinion of that face had changed in the past month. Now he was actively seeking it out.

Under the 1970 graduates there was 'Black, Regulus', _definite_ a relative of Sirius by his looks. Remus also found Andromeda and Bellatrix, the elder Black sisters, as he searched through the Slytherin graduates of earlier years. But Sirius was nowhere to be found.

Remus searched all the way back to the Slytherin students from the class of 1960 and there was still no sign of Sirius. Soon Remus would be looking at his own father's graduating class. Sirius wasn't that old, was he? Wizard did have longer lifespans than Muggles, especially the wizards from the old pureblood families, but Remus couldn't imagine that Sirius was _that_ old.

Students from the class of 1960 waved cheerfully at Remus as he stood and pondered. Sirius had definitely gone to Hogwarts; he had mentioned it a few times, and Hagrid and Myrtle had mentioned it as well. Presumably he had graduated. The Defence Against the Dark Arts position had often been filled by far less capable wizards, but it was a requirement that professors be graduated from a magical school. So where was Sirius?

"What are you looking at?"

Remus jumped at the voice, though it was familiar. He turned to grin at Sirius, who had managed to sneak up on Remus without a sound.

"I was looking for your portrait."

Sirius glanced at the portrait on the wall and his face instantly twisted in shock. " _Class of 1960?_ How old do you think I am?"

Remus laughed at the look on Sirius' face. "I was just wondering that. I checked under the Slytherin graduates in all the portraits up to this one, and I didn't see you anywhere."

"And what makes you think I was in Slytherin?" Sirius asked.

Remus responded with the obvious answer: "You're a Black," he said.

"That old thing again? Haven't we already discussed that I'm not as Black as I look? Here," Sirius led Remus down the corridor toward the more recent graduates. He stopped in front of the class of 1968.

There, under the Gryffindor section, was 'Black, Sirius'. The photograph of young Sirius was smiling handsomely: his hair was different and his face wasn't as strong as it was now, but the smile was the same.

"You were in Gryffindor?" Remus asked. How often had he been told that _all_ Blacks were in Slytherin?

"My family weren't too pleased. I don't think they ever forgave me for it. But it doesn't matter much anymore, my baby brother is now their precious little heir."

"They disowned you?"

"It was mutual. I left when I was sixteen. Dumbledore did me a great favour and let me stay at the castle over the summers while I was at school. I really owed him for that and I wanted to repay him. That's the reason why he asked me to do this teaching job. Or at least part of the reason."

Sirius' voice had taken on a hard tone as he said these last words. Remus could tell that one of Sirius' bad moods was coming on, so he quickly changed the subject.

"Did you take Moaning Myrtle to the graduation dance?"

An amused smile spread across Sirius' face.

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Because Hagrid wouldn't go with me."

" _What?_ " Remus yelped in surprise.

Sirius laughed at Remus' stunned expression. "I wanted to surprise everyone and show up with someone shocking, so I took Myrtle. Did she tell you?"

"Yes. She has a habit of visiting the Prefects' bath whenever she knows that a boy is in there,' Remus said, frowning at the memory.

"She did that to me too when I was young."

Remus was momentarily distracted by the thought of naked Sirius before he realized what Sirius being in the Prefects' bath implied.

"You were a Prefect?" Remus asked. It seemed like Sirius had been too much of a troublemaker to ever be a Prefect.

Remus' doubt was confirmed as Sirius laughed at this. "Are you mental? Of course not! But I had my own way of getting into the bath. Over the summer holidays I came to know the secret passageways in the castle a bit too well for Filch's liking."

"Were you a troublemaker?" Remus asked, though he was sure he knew the answer.

"To put it lightly, yes."

"As bad as James?"

"Let's just say that if James and I had been school mates, the school would be in ruins."

There was the sound of footsteps at the end of the corridor, and they both turned to find McGonagall approaching. She stopped in front of them and nodded in greeting.

"Good evening, gentlemen."

"How would you have liked that, Professor?" Sirius asked, still referring to the conversation that he and Remus had been having. Remus was greatly amused that Sirius still called McGonagall 'Professor', even though Sirius was a professor himself.

"How would I have liked what?" McGonagall asked.

"If James Potter and I had been students together."

The look on McGonagall's face became so horrified that both Remus and Sirius couldn't help but laugh at it.

"Are you going to Albus' office?" McGonagall asked Sirius.

"Yeah, I was just on my way. Shall we go?" Sirius sounded far more cheerful than usual for dealings with Dumbledore, which was comforting to Remus.

Both professors turned to make their leave.

"Goodnight, Lupin," McGonagall said as she left.

"Off with you! Go Prefect about, or whatever it is that you do. And," -Sirius dropped his voice so that McGonagall couldn't hear, "if you haven't got anything else to do later tonight, maybe you'd like to pay me a visit?"

Remus watched the professors disappear down the corridor. He wondered about the meeting they were going to; if it was a staff meeting, why wasn't it in the staff room? And why was it so late? Maybe he could ask Sirius later.

Remus turned back to look at the class of 1968, and the photograph of young Sirius winked at him. What would it have been like if they were at Hogwarts together? Would they still have gotten together like this? It certainly would have been a lot easier without the issue of being teacher and student. But, Remus thought with a smile, if they had gotten together even in these difficult circumstances, they probably would have been together no matter what. There was no escaping Sirius Black.

***

Remus was rudely awaken by what he first thought was a monster, then realized that it was James, then once again decided that it was a monster.

"It's today!" James cried as he shook Remus by the shoulders, "It's finally here!"

Today was finally the Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw Quidditch game, both teams' first game of the term. James was unbearably excited about it. Remus was looking forward to it as well, but being that he hadn't gotten back to the dormitory until very early in the morning, he had rather countered on sleeping for a few more hours before the game started.

James' excitement was far too great to allow anyone in the dormitory (or most of Gryffindor Tower) to sleep. He was positively glowing with excitement as he sat with the rest of the team eating breakfast. But as the game drew nearer, apprehension started to set in. The team captain, a tiny seventh year girl who played as Seeker, was so nervous that she could barely eat at all. Even James looked like he was starting to worry.

No one in the school was more surprised than James when Lily approached him to say, "Good luck today, Potter."

It was a cold day for Quidditch, but the turnout at the game wasn't at all affected by the bad weather. The stands were packed full of students eager to watch the game. Most were dressed in blue or red to support the team they were cheering for, and banners displaying noble lions or clever eagles danced through the air. Remus, like the rest of the Gryffindor students, wore his striped school scarf to display his team colours.

The players took to the air amongst a roar of cheers and whistles from the crowd. From the very first moments of the game it was clear that the teams were well matched in skill. It seemed that Ravenclaw had been training just as hard as Gryffindor had.

All eyes were fixed on the intensity of the game. Gryffindor's cheers rose up loudly to fill the stadium as they watched James and the other Chasers zoom towards the Ravenclaw goalposts. The following groan of disappointment was just as loud as the Ravenclaw Keeper made a truly impressive save, and the groan was quickly drown out as Ravenclaw's cheers resounded loudly.

Remus didn't want to miss a moment of the game, but just for a second he took a glance at the staff stand. He had to laugh when he saw Sirius and McGonagall; it was amusing to see these two opposite personalities with the exact same look of intense concentration on their faces. Both were completely absorbed in the game. Sirius was wearing his old scarlet and gold striped Gryffindor scarf. It looked strange on a staff member, as the staff weren't supposed to make too much of a show of House pride, but if anyone was going to break the rules, it would be Sirius.

Remus was drawn back into the game as the stands erupted in another cheer for Gryffindor.

The game was well played by both teams, but eventually Ravenclaw came out victorious. Ravenclaw students stormed the pitch to congratulate their players while the Gryffindors sulked back to the castle.

It wasn't until much later in the afternoon when Remus' thoughts returned to Sirius. Like the other Gryffindor students, Remus was still moping over their defeat, but his mood would certainly be lifted later tonight when he would go to visit Sirius.

"How can you look so pleased at a time like this?" James demanded. The defeat was weighing especially heavily on the players. The team captain had apparently barricaded herself in her dormitory and was busy drafting an entirely new practice regimen.

"It's not the end of the world," Remus said, trying to cheer James up a bit. James just frowned.

"You have got a girlfriend, I know it. Otherwise you'd be just as depressed as I am."

James and Peter had begun to catch on to Remus' frequent disappearances, and they made a few teasing comments about Remus sneaking off to meet a girlfriend. Remus made sure he neither confirmed nor denied anything; it was better if they were left wondering.

Remus wasn't even sure if he and Sirius _were_ dating – or if their circumstances could even allowed for something that normal. But Remus liked that they didn't have to define what it was between them. It was just so comfortable to be together, like it would be with a close friend. Somehow it felt a lot more natural than Remus could have imagined it could be. It was easy to settle in and it didn't feel strange, despite the situation.

Sneaking into the staff wing was a regular activity now, and Remus had spent several evenings with Sirius over the past weeks. Had it really only been that long? It felt like he had known Sirius for much longer. There was true understanding between them, a connection that drew them together even through the barriers and walls that stood between them. Once again Remus was reminded of how true it really was that there was no escaping Sirius Black.

***

Later that evening, when Remus finally went to the staff wing, he found Sirius just as depressed over the Quidditch match as the other Gryffindors were. Sirius had dramatically draped himself over the arm of the couch after he let Remus into the room.

"What a defeat," Sirius sighed.

Remus sat down at the other end of the couch, amused by Sirius' dramatics. "Oh, it's not that bad. Our team played well, at least. Though you looked quite ridiculous in your old school scarf."

"Wasn't supposed to wear it, apparently. McGonagall told me so," Sirius said with a shrug.

"Was she surprised? Since when do you follow the rules?"

Sirius finally removed himself from the arm of the couch. "An _excellent_ point," he said, turning to Remus with a grin, "Now come here, I need some cheering up."

Sirius reached for Remus, but Remus drew away. He glanced warily at the crackling flames in the fireplace.

"The Floo," Remus said. The time when Flitwick had nearly caught them kissing had made Remus worry about sitting in any room with a fireplace. "Can we go into your bedroom, or somewhere?"

"Aha! About that – I know how much you worried about it, so I looked into putting a guard on the Floo. If someone wants to come through, even for just a Floo call, I'll have to agree to take the call before they can see the room. We'll hear their voice first. So if we're ever in the middle of a fantastic snog and someone tries to interrupt us, you can simply duck into my office," -Sirius motioned to the nearby doorway, "until I get rid of the person so I can return to snogging you."

Remus smiled and pulled Sirius into a grateful hug. "Thank you," he said. He was touched that Sirius had done something like this for him. Sirius wasn't in the same perpetual state of worry about getting caught as Remus was, but Sirius was accommodating to Remus' fears and did what he could to calm Remus' worries.

"Now we don't have to immediately run upstairs to hide. It's not to say that I don't _want_ you in my bedroom, quite the opposite, really. But now you can stop worrying endlessly and calm down a bit," Sirius said. He relaxed back against the couch and Remus leaned in against his shoulder.

"It's a bad habit of mine. When you have secrets like the ones I keep, you need to have a certain level of paranoia and caution so that you don't let anything slip, but even I know that I take it too far sometimes. That's why it's a good thing that I'm friends with someone like James. I try to put on a show of disagreeing with him, but I really enjoy the pranks he comes up with. Things like that help me to stop worrying and just do it, and I'm always happy that I do. I'd worry myself down to nothing if I was left to my own devices, so I need someone to give me a little push in the right direction."

"And the 'right direction' is pulling pranks and sneaking into the staff wing?" Sirius suggested teasingly.

Remus grinned. "I suppose it must be. We'll always need to be careful about this and I'll never be able to completely stop worrying about it, but I'm happy about everything that's happened."

"And it's fun to have a secret like this, isn't it? We're the only ones who know about it. Very romantic," Sirius pressed a kiss against Remus' forehead. "Though I've gathered that you're not much of a hopeless romantic."

"No, definitely not. No rose petals or sweet nothings for me. But I understand what you mean about the thrill of secrecy. And that's extra incentive to make sure that it _stays_ secret."

"And it will, as long as we don't go about groping each other in all corners of the castle," Sirius said. Remus had to laugh at that mental image. "And we don't do that, other than that brief moment in my office before you agreed to come here, but we don't have to do that again."

Remus' hands stroked down over Sirius' chest. "We could, as long as we lock the door," he suggested, trying to sound offhand and like that office hadn't been the location of a countless number of Remus' fantasies.

"You like the idea of that, don't you!" Sirius laughed, quickly catching the meaning of Remus' drifting hands. Sirius' hand slid up Remus' leg and rested on his thigh, rubbing slow circles there.

Remus grinned sheepishly. "Maybe we could. But for tonight, I'm happy having you here," he said, wrapping his arms around Sirius' neck and pressing their mouths together.

Remus was always transfixed by the look of Sirius' mouth, but kissing it, kissing it was even better. Sirius' kiss could consume him so completely and make him feel surrounded in Sirius' presence. Sirius pulled them up from the couch and manoeuvred them up the stairs towards the bedroom. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius' neck and allowed himself to be led blindly, trusting Sirius entirely.

The bedroom matched the elegance of the rest of the suite. The huge four-poster bed was hung with emerald bed curtains, and a tall carved wardrobe stood in the corner. Again Remus thought that the style didn't suit Sirius, but Sirius' presence was so surrounding that it seemed to fill the whole room.

The incredible heat of Sirius' body was something that Remus could still hardly believe. Remus pulled at Sirius clothes, wanting to feel more of Sirius' body; the clothing blocked the true intensity of the heat. Sirius' naked skin was so hot it was searing; his touch was like a brand that marked forever. Remus reached for every inch of Sirius he could touch, pulling him closer, closer. The rhythmic slide of bodies was completely consuming, like nothing else existed except kiss and touch, feelings and tension building until they finally overwhelmed and Remus clutched tightly onto Sirius to hold himself against the intense wave of release.

Remus sighed against Sirius' neck as they relaxed into the warm comfort of the bed and the tranquility of the afterglow. It was so comfortable here, and Remus didn't want to leave, but he knew he'd have to get back to his dormitory. He finally dragged himself up into a sitting position. He surveyed the mess of discarded clothes around the room and then turned to look at Sirius.

Sirius lay comfortably on the pillow with tousled hair and heavy eyes, looking completely content. Remus smiled and leaned to kiss him before getting out of bed to find his clothes.

"Mm, you should stay," Sirius mumbled sleepily as he watched Remus dress.

"James and Peter have already started asking why I get back to the dormitory so late. They've been suggesting that I've got a girlfriend," Remus said. He sat down on the edge of the bed so he could tie his shoes.

Sirius shifted in bed and reached to stroke his hands over Remus' hips. "So they won't be surprised if you don't return until morning," Sirius said encouragingly.

It wasn't that Remus didn't want to stay; he would love to spend the night with Sirius. But what they were doing was dangerous enough without that added risk. "That's pushing it too far. I'm sure someone would notice if I didn't get back to the dormitory before morning."

The hands on Remus' hips stilled and then disappeared as Sirius flopped back onto the pillow with a sigh.

"Oh, don't sigh like that. You know how I am, I'm nervous by nature."

"I know. I was hoping I could shag it out of you for tonight." Sirius grinned sleepily.

Remus laughed, crawling across the bed to kiss Sirius once more. "Well, you could always try again tomorrow night."

***

Sometimes Remus wondered that he was becoming quite the hellion. Of course, anyone who spent an extended amount of time with James Potter could never be expected to be entirely good, so it wasn't much of a stretch of imagination, but he was still pleasantly surprised by his own daring.

Right now Remus was on Prefects' duties, and though he still had almost an hour left before his shift was finished, he was on his way to Sirius' office. He was well aware that Sirius was currently in his office marking papers, and Remus had imagined up a great number of things he would like to be doing to Sirius right now. Remus was meant to be visiting Sirius in the staff wing at the end of his Prefects' duties, but these were things that couldn't wait.

The light was on in Sirius' office and Remus grinned as he approached the barely open door. As he got closer he heard voices from inside.

"-certain expectations when I hired you," came Dumbledore's voice from within the office.

"I know," Sirius replied in a low grumble.

Remus stopped outside the door and listened to the conversation inside. Dumbledore's voice wasn't angry, but there was a hard edge to it that Remus had never heard before.

"I urge you to stop this at once, Sirius. Think of the harm you could cause," Dumbledore continued.

"It's not _all_ my fault," Sirius grimly replied.

Remus had a dreadfully anxious feeling that there was one thing in particular that Sirius would be getting in trouble for. Remus listened intently to their conversation, hoping to hear some indication that Sirius and Dumbledore were discussing a completely different matter.

"You're a fully responsible adult. You have full control to stop this."

"We're only talking. That's it."

"Talking leads to acting. I'm afraid you'll be tempted to do something dangerous. I know this is his partially his doing as well – as Muggles say, 'It takes two to tango'. But in your position, you must be the stronger one. The one who makes it stop."

"It's not easy for me to be here, you know," Sirius muttered.

"I understand this. But you did agree to accept this position and all the boundaries that came with it. Think of the harm you could cause, to us, and to the school, if even a small secret were to slip. Everything we've worked for could be lost."

Remus' hands were trembling. He hadn't felt this type of deep cold fear since that first day in class when he had realized that Sirius knew his secret. Now, Dumbledore knew their secret. Sirius had tried to cover it up, but Dumbledore had a way of seeing through lies. Dumbledore would know the truth.

Remus felt like claws were ripping at his chest. His heart was thundering so hard that he could barely hear the voices above the pounding in his ears. He leaned against the wall to try to steady himself and calm his heavy breathing.

The door opened and Dumbledore stepped out. He smiled at Remus more kindly than he should have at a time like this.

"It seems that we have a visitor. Come in, Mr. Lupin, you need to sit down."

Dumbledore took Remus by the arm and led him into the office and into a chair. It was clear that Sirius was in a bad mood from the conversation with Dumbledore, but a look of concern passed over his face as he saw Remus' pale and shaky condition.

"Good evening, Professors," Remus managed to say.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked, standing to come to Remus' side. He reached to feel Remus' forehead, but Remus ducked out of his reach.

"I'm fine," Remus mumbled feebly.

"I'm sure you two have some matters to discuss. Sirius, please make sure Mr. Lupin gets back to his dormitory once he's recovered. And please consider what we've talked about."

Dumbledore gave Sirius a pointed look before he left the office.

Sirius stepped away from Remus' side to pace back and forth across the office a few times. The atmosphere in the room was tense and Sirius let out a heavy sigh as he sunk into his desk chair.

"So..." Remus managed to say, unsure of how to continue.

"Did you hear what Dumbledore and I were talking about?" Sirius asked. He was clearly apprehensive and his mouth was set into a hard line.

"Yes," Remus said quietly.

The air was thick with tension as the heavy silence weighed down on the room.

Finally Sirius sighed and hung his head. " _Shit_ ," he muttered.

"You didn't get sacked, did you?" Remus asked anxiously.

"No. But Remus, you can't tell anyone, alright?" Sirius' voice was desperate.

Remus would have laughed at how ridiculous this sounded if he didn't feel so much like his chest was about to collapse After trying so hard to keep this secret, there was certainly no chance that he'd tell anyone now. "Of course I won't. I'll just... forget about it all."

"For the best. We'll just forget it every happened, yeah?" Sirius said. He wasn't meeting Remus' eye.

"Yeah," Remus agreed.

The heavy silence returned. Sirius was consumed in thought with a pensive look on his face, still in a dark mood over what had happened.

"I... I'll just be going then," Remus finally announced.

Sirius just nodded.

Remus felt a bit steadier on his feet as he stood to leave the office, but his hands were still trembling. It was like he was lost in a heavy fog. His body felt numb as he stumbled back towards Gryffindor Tower, unable to comprehend what had just happened. He knew it must be over but he didn't want it to be true.


	7. Chapter 7

Remus poked at his breakfast, shifting it around his plate without any real interest. He didn't feel at all hungry. The small amount of food that he managed to eat seemed to have no taste and it felt like he was chewing cardboard.

He had lain awake in bed until the early hours of the morning going over what had happened last night. There wasn't much to think about; he couldn't blame himself because he hadn't done this, or he hadn't done that. The real problem was that he shouldn't have done it in the first place, but he was still shocked that it was over so suddenly.

Remus allowed himself a glance at the head table. Sirius sat in his usual place with a surly expression on his face. He hadn't been fired, at least.

"You okay?" Peter asked Remus on their way to class.

"Yes," Remus replied flatly.

"You hardly ate anything. Is it because..." Peter trailed off. He was assuming that Remus' lack of appetite was due to the coming full moon, but didn't want to say it out loud.

"Yes," Remus said again. Peter gave him a concerned look but didn't pry further. Remus wasn't one to talk about his problems, and this wasn't something he could talk about anyway.

Truthfully Remus was surprised he hadn't come to his senses sooner. A relationship with a teacher was far too dangerous and completely inappropriate. He should have never thought that something like this could turn out okay.

Remus would just forget about it. It had been a mistake, hadn't it? He'd seen in before in the relationships of his friends; they'd get more enticed by the idea of being involved in a relationship than they were with the actual person, and it would inevitably end badly. It had probably been the same situation here. Remus, who had never been in any sort of romantic relationship before, had been so drawn to the chance that he had been willing to do something stupid. That must have been what happened.

But even as Remus tried to convince himself of this, he knew it wasn't true. It had been Sirius himself that Remus had been attracted to, and still was attracted to. Remus hadn't made a poor choice in affection, just a poor choice in action.

He should have been more careful. His fears and worries should have been enough to dissuade him, but they weren't. He was so drawn to Sirius that he had been willing to do something so risky, to jump headfirst into something so dangerous. This wasn't like the risk of any of the pranks he pulled, where the worst that could happen was detention or the deduction of House points. This was real danger with real consequences.

Remus had used the example of Professor Turpin to justify his interest in Sirius, but he had somehow overlooked (or chosen to ignore) what had happened to the young witch while she was teaching at Hogwarts. She had been forced to resign after it was discovered that she had been carrying on a relationship with one of the seventh year boys. The boy had been eighteen, and Professor Turpin was only two years older, but the relationship had caused an uproar.

The story had been spread across the front pages of _The Daily Prophet_ , spilling the scandalous details and attacking Professor Turpin as a despicable temptress whose lewd conduct endangered the entire school. The accusations had been largely false; Professor Turpin had always been a sharp, diligent professor, and her relationship with the boy had been completely consensual. But there was no going back once her name had been smeared so terribly. They hadn't heard much of the young witch after that, but it was clear that she no longer had any place in the wizarding world.

The same thing would happen to Sirius if the news of their relationship became known to the school. Remus was an adult so there was no crime, but being teacher and student made their relationship taboo. Once the story reached _The Daily Prophet_ , Sirius's reputation would be destroyed forever. He would be an outcast for the rest of his life. Remus was well aware of how unforgiving the wizarding world could be, if werewolf prejudice was anything to judge by.

Remus supposed he should feel thankful that it was Dumbledore that had discovered them, and not someone else. Their secret had been discovered, but at least it hadn't been exposed, and Sirius wouldn't suffer the consequences. It was a comforting thought, but Remus still felt entirely wretched.

***

The next day passed just as bleakly as the first. If nothing had happened, Remus was supposed to be going to visit Sirius tonight. That was now completely out of the question. Instead, Remus sat in the dormitory working half-heartedly on his Defence assignment that was due the next day. Remus didn't want to think about anything related to Sirius so he didn't put much effort into the assignment. He wrote half a page of rubbish before he gave up and crawled into bed to stare up at the bed canopy for another long sleepless night.

The nights were the worst. The empty feelings that tugged at Remus' chest throughout the day intensified in the quiet darkness, and the pull of the moon as it drew nearer to full made him feel anxious and trapped. He could feel the underlying anger of the wolf just beneath his skin, so close to the surface. It was impossible to sleep with such a jumble of feelings consuming him.

Defence class the next morning was deeply uncomfortable, even more uncomfortable than it had been at the start of term when Remus had thought that Sirius wanted to kill him. Remus could feel Sirius' gaze lingering on his face just as it always had, and Remus made the mistake of meeting Sirius' eyes. The look on Sirius' face wasn't at all friendly, but there was a burning intensity in it as he fixed Remus with a cold questioning stare.

A small choked gasp escaped from Remus' throat. He quickly glanced away and stared down at his textbook.

"Something in your throat?" James whispered beside him, thumping Remus on the back just in case. Remus shook his head, still trying to push away the memories that had jumped into his mind. The look on Sirius' face had been hard, but the intensity of it reminded Remus of how passionate those grey eyes could look. Just thinking about it made Remus' chest feel tight.

At the end of class Sirius collected their assignments: half a page on identifying cursed mirrors. It was the worst assignment that Remus had ever written, but he couldn't bring himself to care about that right now. He made sure he didn't look at Sirius as he turned in the paper.

The assignments were returned the next day in class, which was a shockingly fast turnaround. Remus stared at his own paper. There was no grade on it, only _'see me'_ written in red ink at the bottom of the page.

Remus felt his heart sink. He should have remembered that teachers always wanted to talk about unusually low grades like this. The poor mark that the assignment deserved didn't bother Remus, but the meeting he would now have to have with Sirius terrified him. Remus didn't think he could bear to talk to Sirius, even about an innocent matter like this.

Remus knew that the full moon on Friday would be one of the worst he had ever experienced. Remus could already feel the ache in his bones as it drew nearer. Trying to make himself relax was impossible with so much hanging over him. The wolf would be vicious.

***

It was late Saturday afternoon by the time that Remus finally regained consciousness in the hospital wing. Every muscle in his body ached and he could feel a network of fresh scratches and bites weaved over his skin. His shoulder, in particular, was screaming in pain; it felt like it had nearly been severed.

Madam Pomfrey came to his side once she noticed that he was awake and she began checking his pulse and taking his temperature.

"My word, you ripped yourself up this time. You've never been in this condition before," she said. She stroked Remus' hand in sympathy. "Is something bothering you?"

Remus said nothing in response. Even if his throat wasn't so ripped from howling that he could barely speak, he couldn't talk about this.

"I know you must be stressed for your NEWTs, but you must remember that you need to look after yourself as well. I won't let you go for another night yet, not until that bite on your shoulder has closed up."

Remus grimly agreed. He really had nothing else to do, and if he was going to be feeling miserable it didn't matter much where he was being miserable.

James and Peter came to visit him in the evening. Remus smiled for the first time all day when he saw a pair of proud, majestic antlers sprouted from James' head.

"I see you like my new look," James said smugly.

"Suits you very well," Remus managed to say.

"I picked them out myself, you know. Did you notice that Sirius has been in a bad mood for the past few days? That's why I did this. It cheered him up a little bit, at least," James said.

Remus would have groaned if it wouldn't have been so painful. He knew exactly why Sirius was in a bad mood, and it was the last thing that Remus wanted to talk about right now.

Madam Pomfrey came into the room at that moment and she let out an indignant squawk when she saw James' antlers.

"What in the world happened? Who cast this on you?" she demanded as she jerked James' head downwards to inspect the root of the antlers. Madam Pomfrey had a soft spot for Remus, but she was far less gentle with the other students.

"I cast it on myself," James said proudly.

"On yourself! My word, I would be far angrier if I wasn't so impressed that you managed to cast this on yourself!" She released James once she was satisfied that the antlers were indeed attached to his skull. "You'll shed them in a few a few days' time. I will not take pity on you and remove them."

James didn't seem to mind this.

"Now out with you two, I need to check on Remus," Madam Pomfrey said, shooing James and Peter towards the door.

"But we just got here!" Peter protested.

"Remus will be spending the night here. You can come retrieve him in the morning."

James and Peter waved feebly at Remus as Madam Pomfrey pushed them out the door. Even in the depths of misery, Remus felt grateful that his friends cared about him.

Madam Pomfrey came to Remus' side to check the wound on his shoulder and spread more healing potion on it.

"I'll never understand that Potter boy," she said.

"Quite the character," Remus commented, amused.

"He's a brilliant wizard, of course, you don't see many with that level of natural talent. But I wish he'd use it for something useful. He's such a troublemaker. But maybe he'll grow out of it. Your Professor Black was exactly the same way when he was this age, and he turned out alright."

It was the same as always; there was no escape from Sirius Black. No matter how much Remus wanted to forget all about him, it was impossible to push Sirius out of his life.

The physical pain that Remus was feeling was a welcome distraction from the numbness inside. Remus' body was so exhausted that he was finally able to sleep, but sleep brought no relief: he was plagued by dreams of Sirius' kiss and touch, his brain making up for what could no longer exist in the physical world.

***

Remus awoke early the next morning. His body was still sore and recovering, but he sat up and started struggling to get dressed. He wanted to get back to the dormitory before James and Peter came to retrieve him from the hospital wing. He knew that they did it because they cared about him, but he hated feeling so pathetic that he couldn't make it back to the Tower on his own.

Finally Remus stood and left the hospital wing. A few students were in the corridors on morning walks. Remus tried not to look at them; he didn't want to draw attention to himself when he was looking so ill. He held his arm gingerly against his side. The jagged bite along his shoulder wouldn't soon heal and would likely leave a scar.

He found Lily in the corridor near Gryffindor Tower.

"Oh, Remus!" Lily said cheerfully as she approached, waving at him, "How are-" she stopped, obviously shocked by how pale and tired Remus looked.

"I'm fine," Remus said weakly.

"You look like you're about to faint!" She pressed her hand against Remus' forehead to check for a fever, and her brow furrowed when she found that he was at normal temperature.

Remus tried to smile encouragingly at her. "Really, I'm okay," he said.

She studied his face, her concern clear. Finally she sighed.

"Oh, Remus, you've just looked so miserable these past few days. I know we're not friends like we used to be, but if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here for you," she said.

"Thanks, Lily," Remus said, smiling at her earnestly.

"Really, anytime," she insisted.

"Thanks," he said again. She examined his expression for another moment before she finally smiled and waved goodbye as she continued down the corridor.

Lily was truly one of the kindest people that Remus knew. She was feisty and strong-willed, but incredibly kind-hearted. Remus was touched that she still cared about him after all these years. The two of them had been friends when they were younger, but Remus had pulled away from her when they were getting too close and she started to worry about his frequent disappearance.

Remus appreciated her gesture of kindness towards him, but he knew he'd continue to keep his distance from her. He needed to keep his secrets safe, and it would keep her safe as well. And at a time like this, Remus just wanted to be alone.

***

The Defence assignment lay on Remus' bedside cabinet with the _'see me'_ staring at him like a red eye. Remus knew he'd have to get it over with. He had a dreadful feeling that the meeting wouldn't be about the assignment at all, but maybe Sirius, like Remus, just wanted to say goodbye.

He sent a note with Cordelia to Sirius: _'Your office, 15 minutes'._ With the assignment in hand, he set off in the direction of Sirius' office. It was familiar to feel nervous to the point of illness while walking these corridors; he had felt much the same at the start of term when he had gone to Sirius' office to make up for exams. But somehow, this was much worse.

The door was shut when Remus arrived, though there was light from inside. Remus raised a shaking fist and knocked. It opened a moment later and Sirius peered out. His eyes were intense and he stared at Remus with an unreadable look on his face. Remus turned away; they could talk inside.

Sirius disappeared from the doorway, leaving it open in a way that would effectively let Remus into the room without appearing courteous. Remus hesitantly stepped into the office as Sirius stalked around to the other side of his desk and sat heavily in the chair. Sirius was never subtle about his bad moods.

Remus gingerly sat down in the chair across from Sirius' desk. They sat in silence, each waiting for the other to say something first. Remus kept his eyes firmly fixed on his own knees, unable to look at Sirius.

"Well?" Sirius finally asked, his voice hard.

Remus cleared his throat. "I came to talk to you about my assignment," he said. He held out the paper.

Sirius hastily took the paper and shoved it to the side of his desk without looking at it. "That's it?"

"I..." Remus started, trailing off. He bit his lip. There was a very different reason why Remus had come to the office, and it was the same reason why Sirius was here, but it was difficult to say.

"Are you going to tell me what I did wrong?" Sirius snapped.

Sirius really hadn't done anything wrong, in Remus' opinion at least, but it was quite wrong to the rest of the world. "Don't you know?" Remus asked quietly.

"You haven't said a word to me in days, how would I know?"

"It's... it's what Dumbledore was talking to you about."

Sirius' grim expression became even harder at the mention of this.

"You weren't meant to hear that. Really, you can't tell a soul."

"Of course I'm not going to, that's why we're in trouble, isn't it? Because someone else found out."

Something in Sirius' face changed at this. "' _We're_ in trouble?'" he repeated.

"It's half my fault. Dumbledore knows about us, I'm surprised you didn't get fired already," Remus said. He looked at Sirius for the first time.

Sirius looked very confused for a moment, and then he laughed.

"Don't laugh! The teacher got fired the last time something like this happened!"

"Is that what you thought it was about? That's why you've been avoiding me?" Sirius asked, sounding unusually hopeful for such a situation.

"What was it about, if not that?" Remus asked. Something strange was spreading through his chest, an unexpected warmth that had felt so distant lately.

"So you didn't hear, after all! You really weren't meant to hear that, but I can assure you that it wasn't what you thought it was about."

Sirius face had spread into a wide smile and he looked so happy, so relieved, that Remus had to crawl across the desk and kiss him right then. His shaking hands reverently cupped Sirius' face, holding him like a precious treasure. It had been only a week since they had last kissed but it felt like an eternity. He had missed this so much, the feel of Sirius' mouth, the heat of his body.

Sirius grinned up at Remus, pressing their foreheads together.

"I thought you were furious at me for something I'd done. You didn't show up to visit me, you wouldn't talk to me, you wouldn't even look at me," Sirius' hands stroked over Remus' face and his eyes were filled with extraordinary joy.

"I thought Dumbledore knew, and we were caught. I thought-" Remus stopped suddenly. They hadn't been caught, but the risk was still there. All these things that Remus had believed for the past week could very easily come true.

Remus pulled away from Sirius. He sat awkwardly on top of the desk for a moment before he climbed back down the other side and sat in the chair again.

Sirius was frowning at him. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"It's still..." Remus sighed. "Just think of what would happen if we got caught."

"We're not going to get caught," Sirius said assuredly. The smile had returned to his face.

Remus didn't share the same enthusiasm, and he sat in silence for a while before he spoke.

"It's just, don't you ever feel that you're doing something wrong by dating a student?"

"Are we dating now?" Sirius asked playfully. Remus wanted to protest that this was _not_ the time to be debating their relationship status, but Sirius quickly said, "And what's wrong with it? I'm an adult, you're an adult."

"But I'm your student."

"I'm hardly a professor," Sirius said. The happiness was starting to fade from his face and was being quickly replaced by worry.

"You'd get in trouble the same as any other professor. You'd be fired!" This was something that, try as he might, Remus couldn't forget about. Remus would be let off easily, but Sirius would really be the one who would suffer if their relationship was discovered.

"We'll be careful," Sirius said, now clearly apprehensive. "We've _been_ careful. You've got that cloak, and we have wards on the doors and guards on the Floo."

"'Careful' might not be enough. I can't stop worrying about it, I'll never be able to. What if someone finds out? What if we're caught?"

"Forget about the 'what if's! Don't think about the situation, or whatever - just think about you and me. Just what we have here, right now. Forget about everything else and just think about everything we have between us. What do you say then?"

Sirius reached across the desk looking to take Remus' hand, but Remus didn't reach for him. Remus shook his head, feeling utterly distraught.

"It's no good saying 'forget about everything else', we can't forget about it. We can't keep doing this..."

Sirius let out a heavy sigh and leaned his head in his hands. Remus had never seen such a look of pure despair on Sirius' face and his chest felt tight just seeing it. He jumped out of his chair and came around the desk to Sirius' side so he couldn't rest a hand on Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius didn't look up at him, head still resting in his hands. "I know you're worried about. I know how desperate you are to keep from being discovered. It's the same as you want to hide that you're a werewolf. But to say that you're willing to give up everything we have, that's..."

Sirius took a shaky breath. He turned to face Remus, but he couldn't quite meet Remus' eye.

"I know we've only know each other for a bit, but I've really never met anyone like you. It happened that very first day in class. Right then, right when I saw you, I knew. It was like I had been waiting for you. When I realized that you hated me I didn't know what to do. What an idiot I was, do you remember? 'I'm very Sirius', honestly, I'm not surprised you turned and ran after I said that. It was just, everyone I've ever met has always liked me automatically, because I'm good looking, or because of my family name, or because I'm talented. I've never had to work to get someone to be interested in me before. I've never _wanted_ to work to get anyone to notice me, but you, I knew right from the start that there was something about you. And I was right."

"Sirius," Remus said quietly, squeezing Sirius' shoulder gently. He stared down at Sirius, who still wasn't able to meet Remus' eye.

"So-" Sirius continued, "So if you say you don't want to be together, I'll accept that. I'll accept whatever you want to do. It's just- this whole time I've been stuck in the castle I've felt so miserable and trapped, and you're one of the few good things I've found. I know there's risk in it, but it's worth it. It's definitely worth it. So if you'll have me, I'll make sure I'm careful. I won't force you to come to the staff wing if you don't want to, I won't undress you with my eyes in class-"

"Undress me with your eyes?"

"I'll stop, I promise. I'll do anything that will make it easier for you to be with me, if you'll only agree to have me."

The speech had been so heartfelt and sincere that Remus' heart felt like it had swelled in his chest. He stared down into Sirius' grey eyes, so loving and kind, and he knew what his decision was.

"What a fool I would be to say no," Remus said, pressing himself into Sirius in a hug.

Sirius' arms wrapped around Remus and pulled him so close that Remus had almost crawled into the chair on top of Sirius. Remus pressed his face into Sirius' hair, treasuring the feel and scent of him. After everything that had passed between them, he had finally accepted this.

There would be problems as long as they were at school, there was no denying that, but as Sirius said, it was worth the risk. Sirius truly cared about Remus and accepted him, and he stood by even through Remus' doubts. What Remus wanted, more than anything, was to be with Sirius. It wouldn't be easy, but they could be careful and make this work.

"Oh... _shit_ ," Sirius muttered.

Remus pulled back to look at Sirius' face. "What's wrong?"

But there was a joyful smile on Sirius' face. "I'm happy!" Sirius wiped a hand over his face in relief. "To have you again... what luck!"

"A bit more than what usually happens when a student comes to see you about an assignment, I assume," Remus said, nodding in the direction of his Defence assignment that still lay on the desk.

"You've got that right. I guess we have to take care of that as well. What mark would you like on it?" Sirius asked. He reached for the assignment.

"Whatever mark it deserves," Remus replied, still half perched on Sirius' lap. He watched as Sirius picked up a quill, dipped it in red ink, and wrote an _A_ at the bottom of the page.

" _Sirius!_ " Remus snapped. The assignment was completely awful, it was nowhere near an _A_.

"You don't want a good mark?" Sirius asked.

"I want whatever mark it deserves. Don't make exceptions for me about my coursework."

Sirius studied his face.

"I mean it," Remus said sternly, "If you ever try to raise my marks because of _extracurricular_ activities, we're through. That's it."

"But we _are_ together, then?"

"Yes, if you want to be."

Sirius smiled handsomely at Remus before he used his wand to vanish the _A_ from the paper and replaced it with a _D-_. He passed the paper back to Remus and Remus gladly accepted it.

"That's quite a smile for having done so poorly," Sirius said teasingly.

"This assignment deserves a poor grade. I don't want extra marks just because we're together. It's risky as it is, and, and..." Remus trailed off. He was silent for a moment before he continued.

"It's never going to be okay, is it? As long as we're here, it's going to be difficult. It's worth it, I know it is. But you know what I'm like... you have to bear with me and my worrying. I have a tendency to get carried away with it."

Sirius smiled at him. "Then while we're together I'll make sure that you're much too distracted to think of anything other than how amazing I am," Sirius said. Remus grinned and kissed him. He had no doubts that Sirius would fulfil that promise.

It was true that their circumstances were unconventional, but Remus supposed that no relationship was free from trouble. Some were easier, some were more difficult, but every relationship had its problems. They were no different than any other couple who took risks for each other and who wanted to be together because they cared about each other. It wasn't going to be easy, but they were in this together, and sometimes you just needed to follow your heart.


	8. Chapter 8

The days passed easily into December and Christmas made its way to Hogwarts. Heavy blankets of snow fell outside and holiday cheer began to spread through the school (along with the various colds and flus that seemed to arrive with the season). Signs of the upcoming holiday were appearing everywhere: twelve Christmas trees were decorated in the Great Hall, holly lined the corridors, and more and more Christmas cards arrived each morning.

It was mid-December when Remus arrived at the staff wing to find that Sirius had gotten into the Christmas spirit as well. A small Christmas tree stood in the corner of his suite and a collection of Christmas cards decorated the mantelpiece above the fire.

Remus laughed as he picked up one of the cards. "I see that Hagrid sent you the same card," he said, opening the handmade card. Inside was a photograph of Hagrid's Kneazles dressed up in red and gold Christmas bows. Valentine was even wearing a Father Christmas hat, though he was looking none too pleased about it.

"Quite the picture, isn't it?" Sirius said as he set a plate of Christmas pastries down on the table in front of the fireplace. "At least it's a bit cuter than the picture of the firecrab he sent last year. Now get over here and taste these biscuits I made."

Remus glanced at the plate suspiciously. "You made them?" he asked. The memory of Sirius' last attempt at cooking still haunted Remus' thoughts.

"Yes. Well - no. I got them from the kitchen. But I _arranged_ them on this plate, and that's almost the same thing." Sirius grinned as he sat down on the couch and folded his arms behind his head.

Remus laughed and took one of the biscuits. "That's hardly the same thing. Making biscuits is a lot more difficult than just arranging them on a plate." Or at least it seemed like it would be more difficult, though Remus had never actually tried it. He had neglected to admit that his own cooking abilities weren't much better than Sirius'.

Sirius sniffed in mock-offence. "If you must know, I did try to make my own Christmas biscuits."

"I assume that's why there's a burnt smell hanging in the air?"

"They were _nearly_ edible."

"Sounds like your cooking is improving," Remus said teasingly. He picked up the next card on the mantelpiece to examine it.

"That one is from my cousin, Andromeda. I'll be going to visit her over Christmas. She just had a baby girl," Sirius said with a fond smile.

Remus glanced at Sirius curiously. "I thought you didn't get along with your family?"

"I get along with the family members that the rest of the family have rejected. Andromeda never had the same sort of pure-blood mania as the rest of them, and they chucked her out because she married a Muggle-born. I always got on with her a lot better than any of my other cousins. Maybe you remember Narcissa? She must have been an upper year when you first started."

Remus nodded. Knowing that Narcissa was a Black, he had always made sure to avoid her.

"She's not as bad as Bellatrix, but I always knew she would turn out to be just like them. I wouldn't be surprised to find that she had the Dark Mark before she even left school. Voldemort has got quite the advantage over us because he starts them young."

"What do you mean by 'us'?" Remus asked.

Sirius expression twisted oddly as he seemed to realize that he had said too much. He was quiet for a moment before he said, "A lot more goes on inside these walls than you'd imagine."

This definitely wasn't the first time that something like this had been hinted at. Remus had a feeling that it might have something to do with what he had overheard Sirius and Dumbledore talking about in Sirius' office a few weeks ago. Remus was curious about the true topic of the conversation and he had asked about it several times, but Sirius insisted again and again that he couldn't talk about it. If Remus kept prying for information it would just put both of them in a bad mood.

"You could come visit me over the holidays," Remus suggested, changing the subject. He took a seat on the couch beside Sirius.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. He reached over to knock on Remus' forehead as if he was checking if it was hollow inside. "Are you really Remus Lupin?" he asked.

"What are you talking about?" Remus laughed, batting Sirius' hand away.

"You don't think your parents will find it strange that your teacher is visiting you at home? Possibly dragging you off around corners to snog you?" To prove his point, Sirius pressed Remus down into the couch and captured him in a kiss.

Remus grinned once Sirius had released him. "Well, they certainly don't need to know about that part. But no, they wouldn't find it strange."

"I'm just surprised that you're asking me. Just a few weeks ago I thought I'd lost you because you were so worried about getting caught."

It seemed so long ago now; Remus could still hardly believe that he had been determined to call things off between them. He was relieved that Sirius had managed to talk some sense into him and convince him to continue.

"I still worry, but I know that we're careful about it. We act normal in public, and it would require a rather bizarre set of circumstances for us to get caught in here. For example, if a game of night-time Quidditch got out of hand and the players came crashing through the window. Or if the floor gave out below us and we fell into the staff room while an evening meeting was taking place."

Sirius snorted. "You weren't joking about 'bizarre'. He's another one: my bed could somehow get transformed into a Portkey and we could be transported to Dumbledore's office _in flagrante_."

Despite the disturbing mental image, Remus had to laugh. "You see? Not impossible. Or maybe I'm just bonkers for worrying about ridiculous things like this. But I do mean it about Christmas. You could come visit, if you'd like."

The flames in the fireplace suddenly flared to green. Remus and Sirius jumped apart at it, though the guard prevented anyone from coming through.

"Sirius," came a deep voice from within the fire.

Sirius sat up quickly, alert and wary.

"Kingsley? Just a moment."

At once Sirius had stood up and dragged Remus to his feet as well.

"Sorry, you have to go," Sirius said hastily.

"Why?" Remus asked as Sirius dragged him towards the door, shooting a glare at the fire. Sirius had put the guard on the Floo so that Remus could just go to another room of Sirius' suite if someone called, but now Sirius was pulling Remus towards the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning in class." Sirius grabbed the Invisibility Cloak from where it hung beside the door and pushed it into Remus' hands. He leaned in for a quick kiss before he unceremoniously led Remus into the hall and shut the door.

Remus stood glaring at the door for a moment before he finally had enough sense to pull the Invisibility Cloak over himself (and good thing as well; Slughorn came around the corner a moment later, and Remus had to press himself against the wall to avoid brushing against Slughorn's enormous stomach as he passed).

Who was that in the Floo? Remus didn't know if he should feel angry, upset, or jealous. Of course Sirius had private matters to deal with, but what in the world was so urgent that Remus got so rudely tossed out the door? Grumbling, Remus made his way back to Gryffindor tower.

***

Sirius was not in Defence class the next morning. Class should have started ten minutes ago and the students were beginning to get restless. Most were excited at the prospect of a free period, but Remus was very concerned about where Sirius was.

"Where could he be?" Remus asked.

"'aybe he's cob down with a cold," Peter suggested, having been similarly afflicted with a bad cold and stuffy nose.

Students began to leave the classroom once it became obvious that Sirius wouldn't be showing up. Sirius' unexplained absence quickly became the gossip topic of the school, and by evening Remus' concern had turned into fear. He kept staring at the empty chair at the staff table during dinner. There had been no sign of Sirius all day.

Classes were occasionally cancelled as professors had to leave on personal business, but last night Sirius had said, _"I'll see you tomorrow morning in class,"_ so he had fully intended to be in class today. Something must have happened, and Remus suspected that it had something to do with that someone in the fireplace.

Remus forced himself to stop imagining gory reasons for Sirius' absence and instead he tried to convince himself that it was something more reasonable. Maybe Sirius had returned, but, like Peter suggested, he had come down with a cold and was unable to make it to class. Or maybe there had been a family emergency with his cousin Andromeda. Maybe it was something to do with whatever it was that Sirius was always so secretive about. But that didn't quell Remus' fears at all; he had no idea what that might involve.

Remus paced through the corridors after dinner, not thinking much about where he was going and unconsciously looking for any sign of Sirius. He searched the North Tower, the South Tower, the East Wing, the West Wing, everywhere he could think. Sirius knew the castle much better than Remus did, and there were likely a great many places Sirius could be that Remus didn't know about, but Remus had a feeling that Sirius wasn't in the castle.

There hadn't been any explanation from the staff about why Defence classes had been cancelled for the day. Remus had tried asking McGonagall after Transfiguration, but she hadn't provided with him with a straight answer.

"Excuse me, Professor, I was wondering if you knew where I could find Professor Black," Remus had asked once most of the students had left the classroom, "I was just wondering if he's around. He wasn't in class this morning."

"Yes, it seems to be the gossip topic of the school. I'm sorry, Lupin, I don't have any information for you."

Something in McGonagall's voice told Remus that she knew more than she was saying. "Is he okay?" Remus blurted.

McGonagall shook her head as she began straightening up her papers. "Lupin, there's nothing else I can tell you at this time."

Remus sighed. "Alright. Thank you, Professor."

Remus mulled the conversation over in his head. It seemed unfair that this information could be kept secret; Sirius wasn't _just_ a professor to Remus, he was so much more, but Remus certainly couldn't press that angle to convince the professors to drop their secrecy. If the rest of the school weren't allowed to know, then Remus wouldn't be allowed to know either.

Still, there was one person that Remus could think of who would be less tight with information, and who would generally have an idea where Sirius might be. That person was Hagrid.

Remus didn't bother to go back to the dormitory to grab his warmer robes; it would be a cold walk to Hagrid's house, but Remus was desperate for information and he didn't want to wait any longer. He made his way directly to the Entrance Hall.

He was hurrying down the marble staircase when there was a great creak as the huge front doors were pushed open.

The sight that followed made Remus' jaw drop. Sirius had just stumbled into the castle, looking utterly ragged and worn out. His robes were torn in several places and a great gash crusted with dried blood was slashed across his cheek. His eyes were dark and tired.

Remus stopped in shock, staring at Sirius. Sirius noticed him too and stopped. Something of a weak smile flashed across Sirius' exhausted face.

"Sirius," was all Remus managed to say, frozen in place.

"Sirius," came another voice. Dumbledore had just appeared in the hall.

There was silence as Sirius and Dumbledore stared at each other. Sirius' expression was unreadable, and there was a strange look of anger on Dumbledore's face like Remus had never seen before.

"Come with me," Dumbledore finally ordered.

Sirius managed another weak smile at Remus before he followed Dumbledore.

***

Remus was too distracted to be very engaged in the conversation at breakfast the next morning and instead he buried his nose in _The Daily Prophet_ without really paying attention to what he was reading. His brain was stuck on the image of an injured Sirius looking utterly exhausted as he stumbled through the doors. Remus was relieved that Sirius was safe –or alive, at least, and back in the castle, but what on earth had happened to him that he was left in such a state?

"Pete, how does my hair look?" came James' voice from the other side of the newspaper.

"Yeah," Peter muttered dazedly through his heavily congested nose.

"I said how does it look?" James repeated, but there was no reply from Peter. Peter's cold was coming on so terribly that he didn't seem to be able to do much more than stare off into space with glassy eyes.

Remus should have expected that James would turn to him next, but he didn't think to get out of the way quickly enough to avoid James' boney elbow digging into his ribs.

"Oi, how does my hair look?" James asked.

"It's fine," Remus muttered without looking up from the newspaper.

"Hey, this is important. I'm about to go talk to Evans. I need to know how my hair is," James insisted.

Remus finally looked out from behind the newspaper to check. "It's – I don't know. Fine, I suppose" he said. There was really no hope that James' hair could ever look neat, but recently he had abandoned his traditional style of ruffling it up in the back so at least it had the illusion of looking somewhat tidier than usual.

"So I'm good to go?" James asked, straightening his robes in preparation.

"You h-h-ha-" Peter started to say, but he was overcome by a sneezing fit.

"I think that what Peter is trying to say is that you've got something between your teeth," Remus offered.

James' hand flew to his mouth to remove the offending broccoli piece. "Right" he said. He confidently rose from his chair, stood still for a moment, then quickly sat back down.

"What are you waiting for?" Remus asked.

James looked deeply nervous. "I've spent years making and arse of myself in front of her but I don't know how to – to _talk_ to her."

"Just act normal," Remus said, "Basically, just do the opposite of all the things you've being doing around her for the past few years. You'll be fine, just go."

"But – what should I say?"

"Just _go_ ," Remus insisted, shoving James out of his chair. James rigidly marched over to Lily, and Lily smiled at him as he approached. James settled into the chair beside her so gingerly that he seemed to be doubting that the situation was real.

Remus returned to _The Daily Prophet._ His eyes skimmed over a small article on the second page:

" _DEATH EATERS IN KINBOROUGH: On the night of December the 14th Death Eaters stormed the small wizarding village of Kinborough in the West Midlands. The village was unprepared for the attack, but villagers report that an unidentified group of wizards appeared to counter the Death Eaters. Ministry Aurors arrived in the middle of the battle and managed to capture two of the attackers. Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement Bartemius Crouch commented that-_ "

Remus stopped reading as the letters slowly shifted themselves around to form the words, " _Come see me tonight_." He glanced up at the staff table to see Sirius staring at him and looking like hell. Sirius' robes and hair were clean and the gash on his face was healed, but somehow he looked worse than he had last night. He stared at Remus expectantly, and Remus nodded in response.

The day passed unbearable anxiously as Remus waited for the evening so he could talk to Sirius and have everything explained. Listening to James' tale of his successful conversation with Lily distracted Remus somewhat, but the anticipation for the evening was at the front of Remus' mind. Dinner had barely passed when Remus took the Invisibility Cloak and ran to the staff wing. He made his way to Sirius' room and knocked on the door.

In his haste he hadn't noticed McGonagall in the corridor, and he had to press himself against the far wall to avoid brushing against her.

The door opened just as McGonagall was passing. Sirius looked at her quizzically.

"Did you knock, Professor?" Sirius asked.

"I didn't," McGonagall replied. Remus couldn't see her face, but it seemed that there was a strange disapproval in her voice for such an innocent question.

Sirius shrugged and closed the door. McGonagall continued down the corridor, and once she had disappeared around the corner Remus knocked again.

The door opened again and Remus almost knocked Sirius over as he threw himself at Sirius. Sirius was obviously startled by having an invisible person suddenly smother him in a hug, but Sirius' arms quickly wrapped around Remus.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked against Sirius' neck.

"Of course I'm okay," Sirius replied, a smile evident in his voice. The tone of his voice was easily recognizable to Remus; he was sure it was the same tone his own voice would take on after the full moon when he felt utterly wretched but wanted to assure his friends that they had nothing to worry about.

Remus finally pulled away from the hug and pulled down the hood of the Invisibility Cloak. He took in Sirius' exhausted face; Sirius was smiling, but he looked ragged and had heavy circles under his eyes.

"What happened?" Remus asked, his fingers tracing over the place on Sirius' cheek where the cut had been last night. "You weren't in class, and you looked so terrible last night, and today, today you look even worse."

"Thanks for the compliment."

Remus grinned, relieved that Sirius could consider the situation with such levity. "It's the truth. Here, you should sit down."

Sirius allowed himself to be led to the couch in front of the fireplace. He caught a look at himself in the mirror above the mantle and ran a hand over his tired-looking face.

"You're right, I do look quite terrible. I'm not surprised. Dumbledore was at me almost all night, he was furious at me."

Remus draped the Invisibly Cloak over a chair and took a seat beside Sirius. "For missing class?"

"No, for..." Sirius trailed off.

"For?" Remus prompted.

There was silence for a while as Remus waited for Sirius to answer. Sirius wasn't looking at him, and was instead staring into the fire

"I won't be able to visit you over Christmas," Sirius finally said, "I've been banned from leaving the castle grounds."

Remus felt his heart sink. "What did you do?" he asked. When Sirius remained silent, Remus added, "It was to do with the person who called on you in the Floo the other night, wasn't it?"

Sirius shook his head. "I can't say."

"Sirius..." Remus pleaded.

"I know, I know, you want to know. But believe me - I really can't tell you. I'd be in even more trouble."

Remus sighed, turning away from Sirius. "This is - unbearable, that things like this can happen to you and I'm not allowed to know anything about it. I know this wasn't something small and trivial. You were injured - and I think I'm right in believing that there was the possibility that something _much_ worse could have happened. Please, Sirius, just give me some idea of what's been happening."

Groaning, Sirius ran his hands over his face as he battled with his resolve. "I'm not trying to keep this from you, but it has to stay secret. If I could tell you, I would. You don't have to worry about something like this happening again, though. I won't be able to leave this old place for a long time."

Remus turned back to Sirius and studied Sirius' brooding expression. It was deeply unsettling that something like this had happened to Sirius and Remus could know nothing about it, but this was apparently part of the thing that Remus wasn't allowed to ask about. He wanted to know what Sirius wasn't telling him, but this had to be enough.

He settled against Sirius' side, head resting against Sirius' shoulder. "You can't leave at all," Remus mused, staring into the fireplace as he thought about this.

Sirius snorted. "As if just being here wasn't bad enough. I know there's ways out of the castle other than front gates, but Dumbledore will know. But right now I'm too exhausted to think much about it. Let's talk about something more cheerful."

Remus was quiet, still mulling all of this over in his head and dealing with the jumble of feelings that surrounded it. He was disappointed that Sirius wouldn't be able to visit over the Christmas holidays, but more than that he was worried about how Sirius would deal with being confined to the castle. Sirius was already unhappy about being stuck in the castle for teaching, and this would be hard on him. But above everything, above the disappointment and worry, Remus just felt helpless that all of this had happened and Remus wasn't allowed to know anything about the reasons why.

"Hey," Sirius said, drawing Remus back into the present. Remus glanced at his face, and Sirius was smiling at him, wand in hand.

"Look. Mistletoe," Sirius said, pointing up.

Remus glanced up above them to find a sprig of conjured mistletoe floating above their heads and gently sprinkling them with snowflakes.

"I heard a rumour about mistletoe. Apparently if you find yourself underneath a piece of it with someone else, you have to kiss that person," Sirius said with a playful smirk.

"Oh? And what happens if you don't kiss?"

Sirius' expression was solemn, but there was a mischievous glint in his eyes. "We'd better not risk it."


	9. Chapter 9

Saturday was the Christmas Hogsmeade visit for the students. It was also the date of the Slug Club Christmas party for the select few who had been invited. Strangely, it seemed that James, who had always refused Slughorn's invitations in the past, would be attending this year's party. What was even stranger was that he would be attending with Lily Evans as his date.

It had been completely unexpected. That Saturday morning hadn't started out particularly interestingly or lively; Remus had decided to skip breakfast before the Hogsmeade visit so he could get an extra hour of sleep (being that he was still quiet exhausted from the past few nights of restless worrying about Sirius), and Peter was still so floored by his cold that he didn't feel like eating or getting out of bed. As a result, James had been the only of them who had gone down to breakfast. Upon returning, James let out dazed, dreamy sigh, though not before he slammed the door and woke both Remus and Peter.

"This is a dream," James said, "This _must_ be a dream. I'm still asleep, aren't I?"

"Well, I know that _I'm_ not asleep anymore," Remus grumbled groggily into his pillow.

"It's finally happened. Evans asked me on a date!"

Remus was instantly wide awake, and Peter let out a hoarse cry of surprise that dissolved into a coughing fit.

"H-how?" Peter sputtered.

"We're going to the Slug Club party together tonight. It's a _date._ I've never cared much for Slughorn, but if one of his parties gets me a chance with Evans then I might have to reconsider!"

Remus was shocked that it had happened so suddenly, and yet at the same time it didn't surprise him at all. He had thought to himself all along that Lily had a secret fondness for James; she had always paid quite a bit of attention to him, despite her claims that she detested him and wanted nothing to do with him. It had only been James' obnoxious methods of wooing her that had been keeping her away. James had started acting more like an adult lately (thanks to the influence of Sirius), and, as Remus expected, Lily really was interested in James after all.

It was soon time to leave for Hogsmeade, and the students gathered in the courtyard. Peter chose to stay behind and spend the day trying to recover in bed, so Remus and James set out on their own. James' excitement hadn't subsided at all and he was happily singing about it as they walked over the snow-covered hills towards Hogsmeade.

"I've got a date with Evans! I've got a date with Evans!" James sang happily, his arms outstretched as if he was thanking the heavens for his good luck.

"Maybe you should stop calling her 'Evans' if you want a second date," Remus suggested helpfully.

James stopped and stared at Remus. "What should I call her then?" he asked, as if there couldn't be anything else to call the girl.

Remus rolled his eyes. "How about ' _Lily_ '?"

James considered this for a moment before he resumed his song.

"I've got a date with Lily! I've got a date with Lily!"

It was tradition that their first Hogsmeade stop would be at The Three Broomsticks, but today James had a more important task than a drink at the pub. He had declared that he needed new dress robes to look suitably handsome as Lily's date tonight, so James and Remus made their way to Gladrags Wizardwear instead.

Remus had also come to Hogsmeade with the intention to buy something specific: he was looking for a Christmas gift for Sirius. James and Peter were easy to buy gifts for (food and alcohol usually did the trick) but Remus hadn't figured out what he was going to get for Sirius.

While James was getting fitted for deep blue dress robes, Remus wandered the shop in search of something would suit Sirius. Sirius was so handsome that Remus was sure that anything would suit him, but it needed to be something special. Remus passed by the handsome dress robes, Quidditch gear, wizard hats, and novelty socks, searching for the perfect gift.

Finally Remus found what he was looking for. A scarlet and gold scarf was stylishly displayed on a mannequin, and Remus was easily able to picture Sirius looking very handsome in the scarf. It still had the scarlet and gold colours of Gryffindor, though it looked much more sophisticated than the striped school scarf that Sirius still wore sometimes. A scarf like this would allow Sirius to support Gryffindor without being subjected to McGonagall's disapproving looks.

James was still being fitted for the robes when Remus returned, scarf in hand.

"What's that?" James asked, temporarily distracted from his own reflection.

"A scarf," Remus replied dryly, and luckily James once again became too interested in his own handsome reflection to ask Remus why he was buying it.

After paying for their purchases, they left the shop and made their way to The Three Broomsticks. They managed to find a small empty table against the wall and they settled down with two warm mugs of Butterbeer.

James began explaining the dashing way he would greet Lily that evening.

"I'll present her with a - get this, with a _lily_ \- and then I'll say, 'good evening, fair lady', and offer my hand to her," he said, waving his hand in front of his face as if painting the scene.

"I'm sure she'll be swept off her feet," Remus laughed.

"She will! Or at least, I hope she will..." It was strange to see James doubting himself on anything, but he was clearly hoping to make a good impression.

"Where's Sirius?"

Remus glanced up at the speaker and found the pretty blonde barmaid looking down at them curiously. He remembered how interested she had been in Sirius the last time that they were in Hogsmeade, and Remus felt a rush of uncharacteristic jealousy towards her.

"He's at the school, he was banned from leaving the grounds," James answered her, and Remus kicked him under the table.

" _Shh,_ " he hissed. It wasn't good to be spreading this bit of news around, especially to this girl.

"He's not here?" the barmaid asked, disappointed.

"No, he's not," Remus said pointedly, hoping she would catch the annoyance in his voice and go away. This she did, and she left to tend to another table.

James smirked at Remus, "Hey Remus, you should have asked her out. You're now the only one of us who doesn't have a girlfriend!"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself by considering Lily your girlfriend already?"

"Well she _will_ be. And Peter's got his girlfriend as well, nursing him back to health in the castle right now. So it's just you."

Remus just smirked at James. Really, Remus knew that James had said this in the hope that Remus would admit something like, "I already have a girlfriend," which would explain Remus' frequent night-time disappearances that James and Peter were always prodding him about. Remus was quite happy to leave them clueless, so he said nothing. And besides, even if Remus were looking for a girlfriend, that stupid barmaid would be his last choice.

 _'You wouldn't think she was stupid if you weren't so jealous,'_ Remus conscious told him, and he reluctantly agreed with this.

***

That evening, when James presented the lily to Lily and offered his hand to her, Remus felt something like a proud parent as he watched the two of them leave together for the Slug Club Christmas party. Peter stood at Remus' side feeling much the same; he even had tears in his eyes, though these tears were more likely the result of a stuffed-up head than of overwhelming pride.

Peter returned to bed and Remus took the invisibility cloak to go visit Sirius for the evening. After the last Slug Club party, Sirius had firmly declared that he would never attend another.

"It was awful," Sirius said, recalling the dinner party. "The food was terrible - well, it was _good_ , I suppose, but it was the sort of fancy delicacies I always had to eat at family gatherings when I was a kid. Terrible!"

"So lucky James will be eating pigeon tongues and gnome spleens and all sorts of lovely things like that?" Remus asked with a laugh. He took a piece of the chocolate that he had brought back from Honeydukes for he and Sirius. It was a far more enjoyable feast than what was likely taking place at Slughorn's party right now.

"I don't know, I wouldn't be surprised if Lily had drowned him in the punch bowl already," Sirius said, amused. "I'm shocked she asked him, actually. Nothing against James, but it just seems like he was a bit... _forward_."

Remus sighed, suddenly reminded of all the years he had spent witnessing James' outrageous wooing attempts.

"Exactly. You know, he's been after her for years, but he's always acted like the most unbearable idiot around her that she couldn't even stand the sight of him. 'Toe-rag' was what she called him for years. I told him again and again to smarten up, that showing off and shouting at her wasn't making him appealing to her at all, and that if he'd stop acting like such an arse she might actually give him a chance. And I was right, you know, as soon as he started acting like a normal adult she was perfectly happy to go on a date with him." Remus shook his head, "Honestly. What an idiot."

Sirius' response was a laugh.

"Well he _is._ He's a great friend, of course, it's just that sometimes I can't understand what in the world he's thinking."

"Oh, I'm not laughing at that. I know James can be an idiot sometimes. I'm just very amused by you," Sirius said, leaning in to press a kiss against Remus' lips.

" _Me?_ " Remus asked, and Sirius grinned.

"Who would imagine that pleasant prefect who sits so quietly in class would be ranting and raving about his friend like this? I don't think anyone would believe that you'd ever say things like that. You have all these secret things about yourself hidden."

Sirius slid closer to Remus at this, running his hand over Remus' chest. He kissed Remus' lips again, then his jaw and his neck. "I like figuring you out," Sirius murmured against Remus' neck, and Remus shivered pleasantly at the feeling of Sirius' breath ghosting over his skin. "What other secrets have you got hidden away?"

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know?" Remus said teasingly, tilting his head to allow Sirius better access to his neck and not mentioning that there were a few of Sirius' secrets that Remus would like to know as well.

"I _would_ like to know. And I'll figure it out. Though I hope I'm the only one who will get to know _certain_ things about you." Sirius had unbuttoned Remus' shirt and Remus could feel the curve of a smile on Sirius' lips as Sirius kissed his bare chest.

"Of course," Remus said breathlessly. He loved how instantly passionate Sirius could be, how Sirius could surround Remus in this hot intensity. Sirius had a way of knowing exactly what to do to make Remus dizzy with desire. Sirius was intently moving down Remus' body and pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses over Remus' torso.

"I get to see all these sides, all these faces that no one else gets to see." Sirius' hands were working on Remus belt buckle now and he was kissing Remus' stomach. Remus reached for Sirius, one hand tangling in Sirius' hair and the other stroking over Sirius' cheek. _Merlin,_ Sirius was amazing.

"Those secret faces of yours. Your face when you're relaxed, your face when you're ranting about your friend. Though I think," Sirius said as he stared up at Remus' flushed face, " _this_ type of face is my favourite."

***

The morning after the Slug Club Christmas party found all occupants of the Gryffindor seventh-year boys' dormitory in very pleasant moods. Remus had had a lovely evening with Sirius, Peter's cold had cleared considerably during the night, and James had some very important news.

"Guess who's visiting me over Christmas!" he announced happily.

"Really? You were that well behaved?" Peter asked, almost disbelievingly.

"I was a proper gentleman. She said she didn't know I could be so normal."

Remus thought that calling James 'normal' was a bit of a stretch, but he was still very pleased for his friend.

It was hard for Remus to leave for Christmas holidays, knowing that it would be a full two weeks before he would see Sirius again. Sirius was perhaps even more unhappy about it; he had none-too-subtly hinted that Remus should change his plans and stay at the castle over Christmas instead. But as nice as it would be to have those two weeks together, Remus wanted to see his family again, so his joined his fellow students on the Hogwarts Express to go home.

The Lupins lived in a small house in the countryside, some ways away from the main road. They had moved here shortly after Remus had been bitten, when the injuries that Remus frequently sustained started raising too many questions in town. The house sat in the middle of a large clearing and was surrounded on three sides by forest. Next to the house was a garage and an old shed that actually led to the magically reinforced cell where Remus underwent his monthly transformation when he wasn't at Hogwarts.

The house was old and rather draughty in the cold winter wind, but it gave the Lupins the privacy they desired, and it was home. Remus was happy to get back and see the familiar, weather-beaten house with snow dusting the rooftops.

The house was already decked out with Christmas decorations in preparation for the upcoming holiday. A holly wreath hung on the front door, ivy garlands were looped up the banister, and ornaments sat along the mantel. There was only one thing missing: the Christmas tree. It was tradition that every year when Remus got home from Hogwarts he and his father would go into the forest that surrounded the Lupin house to select a tree to bring home. They would always set out with high hopes of chopping down the tree Muggle style, but, being more suited for academics than heavy labour, the Lupin men would inevitably quickly tire and revert to using magic to chop the tree.

"Trouble at the Ministry," Remus' father confided to him as the axe chopped away at a tree trunk, "No one knows quite what to do, and the Minister is hesitating on taking further measures because she doesn't want to admit that this is happening. True there haven't been many attacks lately, other than that raid the other week, but I think it's too much to hope that Voldemort has backed down," his father said solemnly. Remus nodded in response; this wasn't comforting news.

"But enough of talking about that. How's school going? Who's the new Defence teacher this year? I don't remember you mentioning it in any letters."

Remus cautiously glanced at his father. Remus was well aware of his father's opinions about the Black family. Remus had shared that same opinion until he had met Sirius.

"He's a very good professor," Remus said instead, "He used to be an Auror at the Ministry. He's one of the best Defence professors we've had. The best, even."

"That's good, getting you all ready for what you're going to be facing," Remus father stopped at this and nodded to himself, "Yes, what you _will_ be facing, whether the Minister wants to admit it or not. So what's this professor's name?"

"Actually I'm getting along with him really well. James, Peter, and I are all friends with him," Remus continued on, avoiding the question.

"Well that's good to hear, Remus, but what's his name?"

"Um..." Remus mumbled. "Professor Black."

His father glanced at him warily. "Black? Is he a member of the Black family?"

"He is. But-" Remus continued before his father could comment on that, "he's not like the other Blacks at all. He's not even part of the family anymore."

Remus' father thought about this for a moment. "His name is Sirius, is it?"

"Yes, it is." Remus was suddenly reminded of the awkward moment when he had first learned Sirius' name, and he smiled to himself at the memory.

"Yes, I think I remember hearing about the Black heir who left home. That must have been ten years ago or so. Well, right on him, I say. Family should always come first, but when your family is like that you're best to have nothing to do with them."

The tree finally fell, and, with a wave of his wand, Remus' father levitated it behind them as they walked back to the house for the tree-trimming.

Remus was pleased that his father would have approved of Sirius, and wished Sirius could have been here. Not for the tree-trimming, of course, but Sirius would probably have come to visit a few days after Christmas, and Remus would have much rather been looking forward to that instead of the full moon on Christmas Day or New Year's Eve at Grandma Ellis' house.

With Christmas morning came gifts under the tree. Remus' gift from his parents was a set of handsome new dress robes that he would wear to the graduation ceremony at the end of the school year. From Peter and James, Remus received almost exactly what he had given to each of them: candy and alcohol. Peter had managed to artfully combine the two and had given Remus' a box of liqueur-filled chocolates.

Remus was thankful for having a relaxing Christmas Day with his family. The mood of their early Christmas dinner was darkened by the impending full moon, but the time with his family helped ease Remus' anxiety as moonrise approached.

Remus' owl, Cordelia, returned shortly before dark. Remus had sent her off the night before with Sirius' gift, and now she had returned with the package that Sirius had sent in return. Remus couldn't help but grin when he saw the poorly wrapped gift. He read the attached letter before opening it:

' _Dear Remus,_

_Happy Christmas! Thanks for the scarf, McGonagall was getting a her tail in knot because I wore my old school scarf to Quidditch games. You've managed to please two teachers with one gift, you little prefect!_

_I hope you like your gift. I assumed that you have a Muggle record player, and if not, I'll teach you a charm for playing Muggle records when you get back. I don't know what kind of Muggle music you like, but these are a few of my favourite albums. Hopefully they'll be to your taste! I have another gift for you as well, but you'll have to wait until you get back from holidays for it. No, it's not just a shag. Though you can have that as well, of course! I'd be happy to give you that sort of gift as often as you'd like!_

_Christmas wasn't as terrible as it could have been while Dumbledore has me trapped in this old castle. I had forgotten how delicious the Christmas feast is at Hogwarts, and Andromeda stopped by with her husband and her baby girl. The girl's name is Nymphadora – I'm sure she's going to love that one when she's older! Andromeda also brought me something of mine that I'll show you when you get back. You're going to love it!_

_Surprises, surprises! There's a lot waiting for you when you get back. Including a very sexy black-haired man who will be very happy to strip for you – don't worry, it's not James!_

_I hope tonight is okay for you. I'll be thinking about you._

_-S. B.'_

Remus' fingers stroked over the initials at the bottom of the letter. It had been less than a week since he had last seen Sirius, and he already missed Sirius terribly. Sirius' letter promised so many things and Remus couldn't wait to see him again. Remus didn't regret his decision to spend the holidays with his family, but that didn't make it any easier to be apart from Sirius.

Remus opened the package of records and found that he didn't recognize any of the band names, though he had an idea that they might be rock albums. He smiled; he couldn't say that he was surprised at Sirius' choices, and he was interested in hearing them.

There was no time for it now, though. The moon would be rising soon. After one last read-through of the last line of Sirius' letter, Remus left his room to go downstairs. His parents were sitting silently in the front room. His mother stood and hugged Remus with shaking arms, pressing a kiss to Remus' cheek before Remus and his father left the house to go to the magically reinforced shed.

The shed looked inconspicuous enough to anyone passing the Lupin house, just a small wooden shack that was in need of a paint job. Inside the shed was a hidden trap-door that could only be sealed and unsealed using a complex locking spell. A metal ladder led down from this trap-door into a small room. Once the door was closed and locked, this room was sealed off entirely from the world. The metal walls were bewitched so that they couldn't be broken even by the strength of the wolf, and all sound within the cell was blocked by the spells on the wall. In this small room the wolf could pace back and forth narrowly, howling, biting and tearing at itself, but unable to escape and harm any humans.

The cell was a terrifying dark and grim place and Remus had always feared it, though he supposed that there was no place on earth where the transformation could ever be pleasant. This cell was certainly better than the dank, grimy cells that the Ministry provided for werewolf transformations. Those cells were rarely used these days; a growing number of outcast werewolves were joining the wild packs living in the forests. Remus had long ago vowed that he would never have any part in the savage packs, no matter how poor of a standing that werewolves had in society.

Remus climbed down the narrow metal ladder of the cell, nodding up to his father. The heavy door swung shut and Remus stood in the dark cell waiting for the transformation to begin.

"Happy Christmas," he said grimly to himself.


	10. Chapter 10

The full moon hadn't been particularly bad, though a few days later Remus felt that he still wasn't recovered enough to face what he was about to face. A few weeks' time wouldn't even be enough to prepare him. In fact, even if he hadn't been a werewolf, Remus felt that he would never be quite ready to visit Grandma Ellis' house.

He knew how it would start; as he entered the house, he would be swarmed by aunts who would comment on how much he had grown and would leave his cheeks stained with ruddy lipstick. Then he would be surrounded by a gaggle of young cousins who would climb on him and grab his hair and scream. He would spend the next few days chasing after these cousins, trying to keep them away from Grandma Ellis' prized vase that had been passed down for generations and was displayed, of all places, on a pedestal in the hallway that the children loved to stampede down.

Remus would do all of this without magic, of course. This was his mother's side of the family and they were to know nothing of magic. To this side of the family, Remus' father worked a regular office job and Remus went to St. Brutus' school, or something like that. What was the name of the school he was supposed to be going to? He would have to ask his mother again.

Remus was trying to make as much time as possible before they left. He was dreading the days he'd have to spend there, not only because of the exhausting time with his family, but also because it was deeply unsettling to be anywhere without his wand ready.

"We can't leave yet. I'm waiting for Cordelia to get back. I don't want her to be worried when she finds that I'm not here, and she can't come looking for me while we're at Grandma Ellis' house," Remus said, gazing out the window and waiting for his owl to return from her delivery to Sirius.

"Remus, she's not stupid. She'll know we're gone," his mother protested.

"Well, you know, just in case, we'd better wait," Remus' father said. He wasn't overly fond of his in-laws and he was also reluctant to leave.

"I may be a Muggle, but I know how smart those owls are. If you're really worried, leave a note for her. She'll be able to understand." There was a distinct tone of finality in Remus' mother's voice, and she turned to go down to the car to wait for the two Lupin men.

Remus reluctantly wrote a note for Cordelia with the address and instructions that she was not to deliver any letters to the house unless it was an absolute emergency. Grandma Ellis would probably have a fit if an owl suddenly swooped into her living room. After one last look at the comfort of his quiet bedroom, Remus left to go down to the car for the long drive to Grandma Ellis' house.

Remus' father cornered him in the upstairs hallway.

"I got something else for you for Christmas," his father said, handing Remus a small package. Remus opened it and found that it was a series of connected leather strips with buckles and small metal clasps.

"It's a holster for you wand. You wear it on your forearm and in times of need it will react to the magic in your body and drop your wand into your hand. You'll have to wear long sleeves for the next few days, but I think that's better than being without your wand, isn't it?"

Remus had to agree that it was, and he thanked his father for the gift.

***

Their reception at Grandma Ellis' house had been exactly what Remus had predicted. The waxy lipstick stains wouldn't come off his cheek for a whole day, and he was surrounded by screaming children at every waking moment (and often while he was trying to sleep as well). It was nice that his cousins wanted to be around him and loved him so much, but Remus wished that they would express their love by being good and not playing so close to Grandma's treasured vase.

"This vase is Grandma's most prized possession," Grandma Ellis proudly told the children on the first afternoon of their visit. "It's been around since even before I was born. One day it will belong to one of you."

Grandma Ellis was full of pride as she spoke of her vase, but the children weren't interested. They were restlessly jostling each other as they stood in the hallway in front of the vase. Remus was holding his youngest cousin and she was beginning to pull at his ears.

"If it was ever broken, Grandma would be very sad, and it could never be replaced," Grandma Ellis continued on, but her speech was unheard. A game of cops and robbers had suddenly broken out and the children went stampeding away down the hall. Remus sighed and followed after them.

At one point, during a rare break from child chasing, Remus' father cornered him in the laundry room.

"You know, if we need to, we could always... _get away_ for a bit," Remus' father said, glancing over his shoulder in terror. A number of harrowing conversations with his in-laws had left him unnerved and jittery. "We could sneak out back, Apparate to the Leaky Cauldron for some drinks. Get a bit of a break. Get some _drinks._ "

Remus nodded. Right now, alcohol felt very necessary. As much as he loved his family, visits to Grandma Ellis' house were always exhausting and nerve-wracking. But the Leaky Cauldron escape plan was never put into action because a few seconds later the door burst open and a number of young cousins tumbled in, engaged in a game that seemed to be 'who can make the most noise'. From that moment on, Remus didn't have a moment to himself with his cousins hanging off him at all hours of the day.

Remus knew his cousins loved him, but that was probably the problem. They constantly wanted to show him how fast they could run, or how long they could stand on their heads, or they wanted him to join in their endless games. Meal times were particularly trying; there was always a scuffle over who got to sit next to Remus at the table, and Remus would inevitably end up eating with at least two children perched on his lap.

New Year's Eve finally gave Remus a chance to sit down and relax; the children had been given glasses of bubbly juice and were having a fun time playing 'grown-ups', which involved acting as sensibly as they could. Remus, being a real grown-up, was excluded from the game, though he couldn't say he was too disappointed about it.

Remus sunk into the armchair next to the children's play-table. Here, when Remus finally had a moment to himself, all he could think about was that he missed his friends deeply. More than anything, he missed Sirius. It was hard enough that they were separated for two weeks, but he hadn't even been able to write to or receive letters from Sirius for the past few days.

If Remus had stayed at Hogwarts like Sirius had wanted him to, they would be sitting together by the fire right now with champagne. Remus managed a smile at the thought. It would be a nice, quiet New Year's Eve celebration, and as the minutes ticked down to midnight, they'd be looking forward to sharing a New Year's kiss.

The countdown to the New Year was beginning, though Remus didn't have quite enough energy to get into the spirit. Almost dreamily, he watched his family dancing with excitement.

"Three, two, one!"

There was a huge bang and Remus wondered for a second if fireworks had gone off, but the sound had come from the door being blasted open. There, in the doorway, were two figures in black robes and masks - Death Eaters.

Remus' wand had dropped from the arm holster into his hand in a second, and his first instinct was to cast a Shield Charm around his cousins and himself. As spells bounced off the shield, he did his best to push his cousins behind the table for shelter, throwing stunning and disarming spells at the Death Eaters as he did.

The sound in the room was deafening; the screams of his family, the crashing and shattering as spells ricocheted around the room. There was a loud crash as Remus' father managed to blast one of the Death Eaters into the next room, and followed to continue the duel there.

The other Death Eater, a woman, came after Remus. Remus was entirely focused on moving the duel away from his family. He managed to hit the Death Eater with a blasting spell and knocked her back down the hallway. There was a shatter that must have been Grandma Ellis's vase, but Remus didn't have time to think about that right now. Remus needed to protect his family and disarm this Death Eater.

The Death Eater was cackling horribly over the crashing sounds of walls breaking and windows shattering. Remus was acting quickly, not even conscious of what he was doing. He cast spell after spell at her, shielding himself from her retaliating spells. Remus' father was now at his side, joining him in fighting the Death Eater.

The Death Eater slipped on a piece of broken vase and stumbled. This was Remus' chance. Instantly ropes appeared and bound her limbs tight to her body.

" _Expelliarmus!_ " he cried. There was a loud crack, but the spell hadn't hit her; she had Disapparated away.

With the battle ended, the house suddenly seemed oddly quiet. The only sound in the hallway was the laboured breathing of Remus and his father as the dust settled.

"Are you okay?" Remus' father panted, and Remus nodded in response. He knew that he had a horrible gash on his leg but right now his heart was thundering so hard that he didn't feel the pain.

There was the sound of children crying in the next room and instantly the Lupin men were tripping over each other to get there. Remus had barely stepped into the room before his mother threw her arms around his neck, her wet face pressed against his neck.

"You're- you're-" his mother couldn't manage much more than this as she squeezed him tighter in the hug.

Over his mother's shoulder, Remus could see his other family members in varying states of distress, but - Remus sighed in relief - very much alive.

"What in the world was _that!_ " Grandma Ellis wailed from where she had taken shelter behind the Christmas tree.

Remus' mother released him from the hug and she turned to face her own mother. She laughed a nervous, exhausted laugh. "There are some things we need to explain to you, mum."

Remus' father nodded to them. "Alright. Delva, handle things here. I have to go alert the Ministry. Remus, that Death Eater is stunned in the next room. Watch him until I get back," he said. Remus nodded in agreement. His father Disapparated away, causing Grandma Ellis to let out a shriek of terror and one of Remus' aunts to instantly faint.

Remus stepped through the broken door frame into the next room. The window had been shattered and a shelf of china had been toppled forward during the battle. The Death Eater was lying flat on his back, unconscious and with unbreakable ropes binding his limbs. His sleeve had been pulled upwards by the ropes and the Dark Mark was visible on his arm.

Why had these Death Eaters come? Attacks on Muggle families were typical of Death Eater activities, but it seemed too strange of a coincidence that they attacked a family that just happened to have two wizards in their midst. It didn't seem like the Death Eaters had been aiming to kill, either. They had come to attack, but they hadn't used any Unforgivable Curses.

Remus kneeled down beside the Death Eater and took off the mask. He recognized this boy; he had graduated from Ravenclaw last year. He was hardly older than Remus, and yet he was already working for Voldemort. Remus thought back to what Sirius had said before Christmas holidays: _"Voldemort has got quite the advantage over us because he starts them young."_ Had this boy already had the Dark Mark while he was at school?

From the next room, Remus could hear his mother explaining the world of magic to the other family members. The children were still sniffling and there were frequent exclamations of shock from other relatives. Remus could only imagine how strange it must be to learn that a whole magical world secretly existed. It was the same discovery that Remus' mother had made when she found out she had married a wizard. But what had changed now was that war was building in the magical world, and this war was threatening to spill over into the Muggle world, as was evidenced by the attack that had just taken place.

It was almost half an hour before Remus' father returned with a group of Ministry wizards. One of the wizards still had a party hat on; he had obviously been interrupted from a New Year's Eve celebration.

A short, squat wizard in green robes seemed to be the head of the group. "We'll take this Death Eater back to the Ministry so we can question him when he wakes up," the wizard said. "We've got some people working on repairing the damage to the house, and the Obliviators will be here soon, in case anyone in the neighbourhood saw or heard the battle. We also have some people checking out your place back home. You two just wait here"

Two wizards Disapparated away with the unconscious Death Eater, and Remus and his father sat in the room in silence. Everything seemed surreal. Remus could hardly believe what had happened in the past half hour; he didn't want to think about what might have happened if Remus and his father had been without their wands or hadn't managed to fend off the Death Eaters.

In the next room there was still the sound of some family members sobbing, and Remus' mother was now explaining what the Obliviators were doing so that the neighbours would never know. The repair wizards were working on the hallway, but it sounded like no matter what they did, they couldn't get the prized vase back together. Some objects became so infused with the magic of family ties and memories that they couldn't be mended even by magic, and it seemed like this vase had too much history in it to ever be properly repaired.

The short wizard returned to the room. "John, I've got bad news. We've just checked out your place, seems that's been ransacked too."

"What do you mean? Are you saying they were targeting us?" Remus' father asked, horrified.

"Could be just a coincidence, just a random break in. The place is a mess, but it doesn't look like anything is missing. How many days have you been here?"

"I'm going to the house," Remus' father said, having not heard the wizard. The wizard grabbed Remus' father's arm to stop him.

"Hold on, John, if this was a targeted attack there could be more Death Eaters waiting for you to show up there. You should stay here. How many days do you think you could stay?"

Again Remus' father hadn't heard what had just been said. "There were protective wards on the house, there's no way a Muggle could have broken in. It had to have been a wizard attack. But it doesn't make sense... they weren't breaking in to steal anything, so they weren't thieves, but if they were targeting us, why didn't they attack us here first? How did they find us?"

Remus suddenly felt very sick. "I left that note for Cordelia," he said quietly, remembering how he had left the note with this house's address laying on the windowsill of his bedroom. He had led the Death Eaters right to them.

His hands were trembling and his stomach was twisting with guilt. He kept his eyes fixed on the ground, but he could feel that his father and the Ministry wizard were looking at him.

"Come on, Remus. You can't blame yourself for this," his father said, resting a hand on Remus' shoulder. "No one could have foreseen that something like this would happen."

"That's right," the Ministry wizard said. "If anything, you should be proud. Both of you should, for defeating two Death Eaters and protecting your family. Not many wizards who face Death Eaters come out so lucky. And you've also helped the Ministry by capturing one of the Death Eaters so we can question him about the attack and about You-Know-Who's operations."

"But I…" Remus started, uncertain of what to say. He knew that what his father and the Ministry wizard said must be true, but it was still hard to shake the feelings of guilt. Even worse than that was the fear of knowing that this seemed like their family had been targeted. But why?

There was a crack of Apparation in the next room and another scream from Grandma Ellis.

"That must be the Oblivators," the Ministry wizard said, leaving the room through the now repaired doorway. Remus and his father followed.

The repair wizards were gone and everything in the room was exactly as it was before the battle. The broken windows and walls were repaired and all the objects that had fallen were back on their shelves. The shards of Grandma Ellis' vase still lay on the floor in the hallway, but all the other broken china was fixed. The real change in the house was the haunted faces of Remus' family members, who were still in varying states of distress after the attack.

The Obliviators were talking to the head Ministry wizard. "The memories of all the Muggles in the surrounding houses have been modified. We don't know what kind of magic the Death Eaters performed outside, so we erased all the memories for the time before, during, and after the attack would have taken place."

"Good. Merlin, Crouch is going to have a fit about this one. Completely unexpected, plenty of Muggles involved, Aurors didn't even show up..." The wizard shook his head. "I don't suppose you could Obliviate Crouch as well? Heh."

Grandma Ellis had cowered away from all the wizards since they began arriving in her home, but now, in a fit of bravery, she approached the Obliviators.

"Do it to me. To all of us. We want to forget this," she managed to say, voice shaking.

The wizard shot a quizzical look at Remus' father. "Your family is reacting pretty badly to this, huh?"

"This is Delva's side. They're Muggles, they weren't aware of magic," Remus' father answered.

The Obliviators were stumped as to what to do, but eventually, seeing that this was what the family wanted, they agreed to clear the family's memories of this night. The family didn't want to remember anything of magic or the battle that had happened.

Remus stood with his mother and father as he watched his other family members line up to be Obliviated. Remus was surprised by their request at first, but he supposed that this was for the best. He thought that if he was Muggle, with no way of protecting himself against any of this, he would rather not know of the danger that existed. Being blissfully unaware of the truth would be better than living in fear of something like this happening again and knowing that they had no defence against it. Especially for the children; they were too young to understand what had happened, and it would better if they weren't haunted by this memory.

And so, the family's memories were erased and artificial memories were created so that everyone remembered that they had a perfectly lovely New Year's Eve. Of course, the broken vase had to be explained somehow.

"Tell them that I did it," Remus' father said solemnly, "Say I was drunk and I knocked it over."

"Dad, don't do that! We'll never be forgiven!"

"It has to be done. Someone has to take responsibility for it."

With the house repaired, injuries healed, protective wards cast, and the family and neighbours Obliviated, the Ministry wizards Disapparated away. There was almost no trace that the battle had happened, other than the shattered vase in the hallway.

It would be too hard for the Lupins to say here now, with the memory of the attack lurking in their minds while the rest of the family was completely unaware of it. After such an experience, one that could have ended _much_ worse, it would be impossible to try to pretend that nothing had happened. They couldn't go home, so Remus and his parents quickly arranged to go stay at his father's parents' house.

It was nearing two in the morning as Remus and his father packed their bags into the car. Perhaps it was a good thing that they decided to leave; being that Grandma Ellis now believed that Remus' father had destroyed her prized vase, the Lupins had overstayed their welcome. Remus' mother was inside apologizing for her husband's behaviour again and again, and Grandma Ellis' wailing could be heard even from the street.

For the first time since before the battle, Remus' father looked at him and smiled.

"Well, the good news is that I don't think we'll be invited back for Easter."

Remus had to laugh, because at a time like this, what else could you do?


	11. Chapter 11

Remus lay on his bed in the Hogwarts dormitory, staring up at the canopy. He had been reluctant to return to Hogwarts after the Christmas holidays. There had still been no news from the Ministry about the motives behind the Death Eater attack, and Remus didn't want to leave his family alone. He had argued about it with his father before he had left to return to school.

"If I hadn't been there, you couldn't have fought them off by yourself," Remus insisted. "What will happen if Death Eaters attack again? You'll need me here."

"No, absolutely not. You're going back, and that's final. Hogwarts is the safest place to be," Remus' father said, leaving no room for protest.

Remus was rather grumpy about the decision - he was an adult, he should be able to make his own choices. But still, he wanted to respect his father's wishes, so he went to Platform 9 3/4 at the end of the holidays. And once he got there, he was happy that he returned. It surprised him at how relieved he was to see his friends again. After the stress of the past few days, it was nice to be able to talk and joke with them in the train car.

As the Hogwarts Express wound its way towards Hogwarts, Remus told his friends about the attack. He hadn't mentioned it in any letters because he felt that it was something that was better explained in person. Seeing his friends' worried faces, he was glad he had made this choice. In a letter he would have never been able to answer all their questions or calm their fears about his safety.

"I read about it in the papers, but I would have never thought it was you, Remus," Lily said. It seemed like her holiday visit to the Potter residence had gone well because not only had she joined Remus, James, and Peter in their train car, but her and James were also holding hands.

"You still don't know why the Death Eaters came after you?" Peter asked.

Remus shook his head. "This Ministry hasn't told us anything. They said they'd let us know if any information regarding the motives of the attack was discovered, but everything else is confidential. There's been no news so far."

"They should have found something by now. I though the Ministry used Veritaserum in interrogations," James said, brow furrowed.

"Not always," Lily said, "And there are ways to resist Veritaserum. Maybe he knows Occlumency, or someone is slipping him the antidote. Who knows what Death Eaters are capable of?

Peter was chewing his lip. "This is real, isn't it?" he said quietly. "This war. I've heard about all these attacks, but it just never seemed real before."

Lily nodded. "You read about all these terrible things in the paper, but you never expect that it happened to someone so close to you."

"Don't tell anyone else, though," Remus said. He would rather keep this news quiet. He hated drawing attention to himself, and he didn't want everyone in the castle to be questioning him about what had happened.

But there was one particular person at the castle who Remus would tell, and he had been missing that person dreadfully for all of the holidays. He'd tell Sirius about the attack, but not tonight. He'd wait until tomorrow for that so that tonight they could just have a nice night together. He needed something to cheer himself up after the holidays, and Sirius' Christmas letter had promised a lot: many surprises and a mention of ' _a very sexy black-haired man who will be very happy to strip_ ', with the assurance that this man was _not_ James.

A tap on the dormitory window startled Remus back into the present. An owl was at the window, and Remus stood from his bed to let it in. The note that the owl brought was in Sirius' writing and had only two words: " _Dress warm._ "

Remus grinned. It seemed like they would be going outside at some point in the evening. It was beautiful evening to be outside; it wasn't too cold and the there was a clear night sky. Remus folded up his warm wool robes and tucked them under his arm before he grabbed the invisibility cloak and left to the staff wing.

Remus arrived in front of Sirius' room and knocked. The door opened a moment later, and Sirius peered into the hallway with a mischievous grin on his face.

"There's no one here!" Sirius said in a mock-obvious voice, peering straight through Remus' invisible head. Sirius shut the door without letting Remus inside.

Remus laughed and knocked again. The door opened and Sirius once again peered out with the same mischievous expression.

"I must be going mad! I thought I heard a knock." Sirius moved to close the door again but Remus dived at him, moving the cloak aside just enough to kiss Sirius.

It felt fantastic to be able to kiss Sirius again after so long. It had only been two weeks, but it had seemed much longer when they hadn't been able to touch like this. The feel of Sirius' lips, the warmth of his body, the scent of his skin; it was only now, when Remus finally got to experience all of this again, that he truly realized how much he had missed Sirius.

Sirius manoeuvred them into the room without breaking the kiss and shut the door. He pressed Remus back against the door to continue kissing him. Remus had been waiting for this for so long. His hands slid down Sirius' back, and Remus pulled Sirius closer against him.

But Sirius pulled away smiling. "I've got a surprise for you," he said.

"Mmm," Remus agreed, pulling Sirius back to continue kissing him, "Give it to me right now."

Sirius pulled away again, smirking. He reached into the closet beside them and began to pull on his leather jacket.

"Let's go get it."

"It's - we have to go get it?" Remus asked disbelievingly. He was still breathless from the kiss. By 'surprise' Remus thought Sirius had meant 'brilliant shag', or at least the sort of surprise that could wait until after the brilliant shagging.

"I told you it was more than a shag," Sirius said as he wrapped the scarf Remus had given him around his neck.

Remus sighed and pulled the invisibility cloak's hood over his head again. He would much rather stay in the room and finish what they had just started, but the excited look on Sirius' face made Remus genuinely curious as to what the surprise would be. Remus picked up the wool robes from where he had dropped them on the floor and pulled them on under the loose cloak.

They left the room together, and Remus eventually pulled off the invisibility cloak once they were some ways from the staff wing. Sirius led them through the corridors, eventually leading them out the front doors of the castle. It was already dark outside and the only light came from the light spilling out from the castle windows and the glow of the stars and moon.

Remus wasn't sure what to expect. Sirius was leading them in the direction of Hagrid's house, and Remus hoped that the surprise wasn't some horrible creature that Hagrid was keeping as a pet. But then again, the last creatures Hagrid had acquired were Kneazles, and those weren't horrible at all. They were a far cry from the terrifying pets that Hagrid usually kept (for one thing, they didn't shoot fire out of any of their body orifices). Remus considered the thought that maybe a new pet wouldn't be so bad.

But instead of going to the house itself, Sirius led them to the small shed behind it. He tapped the heavy lock on the door with his wand.

"Wait here," Sirius said with a wink. He pulled open the door and disappeared inside.

A minute later Sirius returned, wheeling a huge gleaming motorbike at his side.

"A motorbike?" Remus asked, out of surprise more than actual question. Of course it was a motorbike, it was so huge that it was impossible to miss it, big enough that even Hagrid could ride it with ease. Remus almost couldn't believe the sight in front of him, but it was incredibly easy to picture Sirius on the bike.

Sirius was grinning from ear to ear. "It's mine. I had been waiting to get back to it. Andromeda brought it for me over the holidays." Sirius reverently ran a hand over the black leather of the bike's seat. He was positively glowing with excitement.

Sirius took the two pairs of pilot's goggles that were hanging off the handlebars and handed one pair to Remus.

"Ready for a ride?"

Remus studied the goggles he had been given. "No helmets?" he asked tentatively.

Sirius laughed. "Remus, are you a wizard or not?"

"I assume that you've put some protective charms on it, then."

"As well as some other charms." Sirius' voice had taken on a very familiar mischievous tone.

"What sort of charms?" Remus asked, half wary and half curious.

"Oh, you know. So the bike won't crash, and it can't be broken or smashed. So the handling is better. So it flies."

"It _flies?_ " Remus asked disbelievingly. The thrill he felt coursing through his body really should have been fear, but the idea had filled him with excitement.

"Do you want to go for a ride?" Sirius asked, almost innocently, though it was clear he could see what was going on in Remus' mind and he knew what the answer would be.

"Yes," Remus answered instantly.

Sirius grinned knowingly. Wheeling the bike at his side, he led them to a path leading into the forest. The canopy of trees blocked out all of the light from above and Remus lit their path with light from his wand.

"We can't leave the castle boundaries, but there's still plenty of room to fly in," Sirius explained as they walked. "You won't believe how beautiful it is to fly at night. It's - well, you'll have to see it for yourself."

After some time, they came to a clearing in the forest. There was a long path of dirt that had been cleared of snow and had the ground dried. It had obviously been used for this purpose before. Sirius wheeled the bike the edge of the take-off strip. He pulled on his goggles, swung his leg over the huge bike, and grinned at Remus.

Remus stepped onto the foot peg and climbed on behind Sirius. It was somewhat difficult in long robes - Sirius' choice of a short jacket was much more suited to being on the bike - but Remus managed to get settled on the seat. He wrapped his arms around Sirius' waist and leaned his head against Sirius' back, inhaling the smell of Sirius and leather.

The sound of the bike roaring to life was deafening in the quiet forest. For a moment they were still as the motor rumbled deeply, and then Sirius kicked the bike into gear and they were moving. The bike raced over the clearing, gaining speed. Finally the tires left the ground and they were taking off into the air.

Remus tightened his grip around Sirius' waist. The ground was quickly getting further and further away as they took to the sky. They rose up higher than the tops of the tallest trees and were still going up. The open air was much colder and the wind whipped around them from all directions, but Remus could hardly feel the cold with all the adrenalin rushing through him. It was so exhilarating being up here. The whipping of the night air, the weightless feeling of flying, the power of the bike, the warmth of Sirius as Remus pressed against him; there were so many sensations at once that it felt like being in a dream.

Remus didn't know where to look because everything was so beautiful. Sirius was right - this was something that couldn't be adequately explained in words. Above, the stars and moon twinkled in the clear night sky. Below, their reflections sparkled on the waters of the Black Lake. The twinkling lights from the windows illuminated the castle in the blackness of the night, and the dark silhouette of the mountains in the distance could just be made out against the sky.

This was like nothing Remus had ever felt before. Nothing compared to the feeling being out here in the open air on the bike. The ride was smoother than it was on the ground and the movements were easy like that of a broom, but it was nothing at all like being on a broom. There was so much power in the bike, so much energy as the bike vibrated with the roar of the engine.

Remus couldn't begin to determine how much time had passed before they began to descend. He had been so wrapped up in the sights around him and absorbed in the feelings that he had lost track of time. There was a slight jolt as the bike hit the ground in the forest clearing, and the bike slowed before finally coming to a stop. Sirius turned off the engine, and Remus was shocked by how strange it suddenly felt. Somehow it felt too quiet without the deep rumble of the engine filling the air.

Sirius pushed his goggles up to his forehead and turned around to look at Remus. "Well?" he asked.

Remus' response was to kiss him passionately.

"That was _amazing_ ," Remus said, "When can we do it again?" He was surprised at how much he had loved the ride.

"Anytime you like," Sirius answered, clearly very pleased that Remus enjoyed the bike as much as he did. "But for now, I've got something else for you back at the room."

"Yeah?" Remus still had his arms wrapped around Sirius' waist and he slid his hands down over the front of Sirius' trousers.

"Oi! Don't be getting ahead of yourself! And besides, we'll freeze our bits off out here."

Remus laughed and crawled off the back of the bike, followed by Sirius. It felt much colder now that Remus didn't have Sirius' warm body pressed against his own, and he walked close to Sirius as they wheeled the bike back to Hagrid's shed. Once the bike was safely locked inside, they returned to the castle, and Remus pulled the invisibility cloak on once they neared the staff wing.

At the door to his room, Sirius took out his wand and performed the spell to unlock the door. It wasn't ' _Alohamora_ ', or any of the other basic unlocking spells that Remus had seen before. Remus thought back to the locking spells he had studied in Charms earlier in the year. It made sense that teachers' rooms were locked by a more complex spell to prevent unscrupulous students from breaking in.

Remus pulled off the invisibility cloak once they were inside. "May I kiss you now, or is there more?" he asked. He had attempted to take things further than a kiss several times, but Sirius had so much planned for this evening that Remus' attempts had been blocked every time.

"One more thing. I still have another Christmas gift for you. Give me your wand."

It was always uncomfortable handing over your wand, even to someone who was this close. A wizard's wand was so essential to existence that being without it even for a few moments felt strange, but Remus pulled out his wand and handed it to Sirius.

Sirius pointed his own wand at Remus' and began the words of a long and complex spell that Remus didn't recognize. Remus watched the magic flow between the two wands, glowing strands of light emanating from Sirius' wand and wrapping themselves around Remus' wand. Finally both the wands glowed a brilliant green and the spell was finished. A smile spread over Sirius' face as he handed back Remus' wand.

"There. It will unlock this room now. You won't have to wait in the hallway for me."

Remus thought back to the various complex locking spells he had learned about, and he figured that the locking spell on the staff wing doors must be the type that only responded to certain wands that are enabled for unlocking. He was glad that he wouldn't have to wait in the hallway anymore and risk bumping into a teacher as he waited for Sirius to open the door, but the spell also worried him. The spells that were on the door were there for a reason. They were to prevent students from entering the teachers' rooms, but now a student's wand had been enabled with the unlocking spell.

"How much trouble would you be in if someone found out that a student's wand could open a teacher's room?" Remus asked tentatively.

Sirius shrugged. "I might be kicked out," he answered, unconcerned.

Remus held out his wand to Sirius again. "Take the spell off," he demanded.

Sirius didn't take the wand. "No. I want to do this. This is a gift for you."

"Sirius, take the spell off," Remus repeated. As helpful as it would be, this was another thing that could lead to the discovery of their relationship.

" _Remus,_ " Sirius said in a voice that he knew Remus couldn't say no to, "I want to do this. I want to bring more of you into my life. I want you to know just how important you are to me, that you're allowed to have something like this.

"But..." Remus protested weakly. He was never very good at saying no, and he certainly couldn't deny anything to Sirius after those steadfast words that Sirius had just said. Remus still was reluctant about it, but he would accept the gift. In the back of his mind he resolved that he would never use the unlocking spell and would continue to knock at the door.

"But what?" Sirius asked, grinning. He stepped closer to Remus and slipped his arms around Remus' waist, pulling their bodies together.

Remus smiled up at him. "Can I kiss you _now?_ " he asked.

Sirius closed the distance between them, capturing Remus' lips in a kiss. Remus sighed happily into the kiss; _finally_. He brought his arms up to wrap around Sirius' neck, pulling their chests closer together and deepening the kiss.

All thoughts about the unlocking spell quickly drifted out of Remus' mind. With minor difficulty, Sirius led them up the stairs and to the bedroom, and by the time Sirius pushed Remus down on the bed, Remus was completely unconcerned about the unlocking spell, the Death Eater attack, and everything else other than the continued feel of Sirius' hands and mouth on him. This was exactly what Remus had hoped for this evening. To just lose himself in kiss and touch, to forget about everything that had happened over the holidays.

Sirius had given Remus almost everything that had been promised in the Christmas letter, but Remus could recall that the letter had mentioned one thing that was yet to come.

"I believe your letter mentioned something about a sexy black-haired man who would be happy to strip for me?" Remus said playfully as Sirius climbed onto the bed on top of him.

Sirius made a mock-disgusted face. "Why would you bring up James at a moment like this?"

***

Classes began the next day. Remus passed a group of students in the hallways who were discussing the New Year's Eve attack, but they didn't seem to have any idea that Remus had been involved, which was a relief. Remus hadn't told anyone other than James, Peter, and Lily, and Sirius was the only other person who he intended to tell. It was a strange thing, Remus thought. Your friends were the people who you wanted to trouble the least with bad news, but they were the people that you needed to tell the most. Despite that the news of the attack would not be taken favourably by Sirius, Remus knew that Sirius would want to hear about it.

Hidden under the cloak, Remus made his way to the staff wing. He held true his resolution to not use the unlocking spell and he knocked on the door.

The only response to his knocking was a scratching sound from the other side of the door.

Remus waited a minute before he knocked again. Was Sirius here? Sirius knew that Remus would be stopping by at this time, so he should be in the room. But again, the only response to Remus' knock was a scratching sound.

Remus was raising his fist to knock again when the door finally opened.

"I believe you have an unlocking spell," Sirius said.

"I'm not going to use it. If I-" Remus stopped as something brushed against his leg, and he looked down to find a grey Kneazle nuzzling his shin. It was Havelock, Hagrid's Kneazle.

"I'm babysitting tonight," Sirius said in answer to Remus' unasked question. "Now get in here, both of you!"

Remus stooped to pick up Havelock and carried him into the room. Babysitting, indeed! Agnetha and Frida were perched on the back of the couch, and Valentine came trotting out of the office as Remus entered the room.

Remus set Havelock on the floor and pulled off the invisibility cloak, hanging it by the door. "Is Hagrid away?" he asked.

"Yeah, he's out on a mis - uh, away on business. And of course his _babies_ can't stay alone for even one night, so they're staying with 'Uncle Sirius'." From the tone of Sirius' voice it sounded like it was unlikely that he had picked the name 'Uncle Sirius' for himself.

But despite his seeming reluctance, it was clear that Sirius was very fond of the Kneazles. He affectionately stroked Frida's head before disappearing to the kitchen. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll get us some drinks," he said over his shoulder.

Remus took a seat on the couch in front of the fireplace. Valentine promptly jumped onto the coffee table and began walking across the newspaper clippings that littered the surface.

"Hey!" Remus quickly lifted Valentine off the table, but not before the Kneazle managed to push some of the clippings onto the floor. As Remus reached to pick up the fallen clippings, he noticed that the articles were about Death Eater attacks and Voldemort's activities. The articles that had fallen were the most recent, and Remus saw that one of them was about the attack that had occurred on New Year's Eve:

" _NEW YEAR'S EVE ATTACK BY DEATH EATERS: On the evening of December 31, 1977 two Death Eaters broke into the home of a Muggle family. Two wizards were among the family and duelled with the Death Eaters. One of the Death Eaters was taken into custody and he is currently being interrogated. The identity of the other Death Eater is still unknown. It is believed that the wizards in the family were the target of the attack, though the reason is unclear."_

"Second attack by Voldemort in the last month," Sirius commented as he returned with two goblets of wine and a bottle floating behind him. He took a seat on the couch beside Remus, passing over one of the goblets.

"Yeah," Remus said. This was exactly what he had been intending to tell Sirius about this evening.

"And I'll bet the Ministry didn't show up until after the dust had settled, like usual."

"That's true," Remus said quietly.

Sirius glanced at the clipping on the table again, wondering if he had missed that part of the article. "You know?"

Remus nodded. "I was going to tell you tonight. It was my family who the Death Eaters attacked."

The wine goblet clunked heavily onto the table. Sirius turned to Remus intensely.

"Are you-" he started to say, but stopped. 'Are you okay?' was clearly a pointless question, as Remus was sitting here perfectly fine. Sirius' face twisted with various expressions before he slammed his fist down on the table, startling Havelock and sending him shooting off under the couch. "I should have been there," he growled.

"It's okay, no one was seriously injured," Remus said, trying to calm Sirius. Remus knew that Sirius had a temper that could easily flare up, but the sudden outburst of rage had startled Remus.

Sirius' hand was still clenched into a tight fist and his knuckles were white. "I should have - If only I could -" he sighed, running his hand over his face in frustration. "I can't do _anything_ while I'm locked up here. Were you hurt? Is your family okay?"

"I wasn't seriously hurt, nothing worse than what a few healing spells could fix. My family is fine, as well. The relatives I was staying with were Muggles and they asked to be Obliviated after the attack. My parents are staying with my grandparents until the Ministry can figure out why the Death Eaters came after my family."

Sirius picked up his wine goblet again and leaned back against the couch, sighing heavily. "Figures that the Ministry is always one step behind. But why were the Death Eaters targeting your family, I wonder."

"Apparently the Ministry still isn't able to find out much from the Death Eater that was captured, so we don't know. I've thought of a few reasons for why they might want to attack us, but nothing stands out as the obvious reason," Remus said. "The first reason I thought of was that my father is a Muggleborn who married a Muggle. It also might be because he's a Ministry worker and the Death Eaters are after him for that. But neither of those reasons stands out as being significant enough that he would be specifically targeted – Muggleborns and Ministry workers seem to be incidental victims of Death Eater attacks, and they aren't individually targeted. Something else I thought of could be that the Death Eaters somehow found out that I'm a werewolf. I remember hearing a rumour that Voldemort was trying to recruit the wild werewolf packs, and I might be included in that, somehow. But that reason is doubtful, too. The Death Eaters weren't aiming to kill, but I think that if they were trying to recruit me for the werewolf packs, it would be more subtle."

Sirius was quiet as he thought this over, mulling through the reasons and drinking heavily from his wine goblet. Valentine leapt up into his lap, and Sirius began absent-mindedly stroking Valentine's head.

"I hate being locked up in this place. I could have been there. I could have helped you," Sirius finally said.

"To be fair, I don't think you would have come to my Gran's place," Remus said, trying to assure Sirius that, even if Sirius had been able to leave the castle, there was nothing he could have done to counter the attack.

"But maybe we could have known about it, anticipated the attack. Maybe I could have done something to stop it." Sirius' fingers tightened around the goblet he was holding, and he took another deep drink. Remus had expected that Sirius would be upset when he heard about the attack, but it sounded almost like Sirius was blaming himself, and Remus started to wonder if they were even talking about the same thing here.

"Sirius..." Remus started to say, but he trailed off. There were so many things that Remus wanted to ask, but he knew that Sirius wouldn't answer. _Couldn't_ answer, apparently, according to Dumbledore's orders. Sirius was clearly trying to bring more of Remus into his life, as was evidenced by his insistence to put the unlocking spell on Remus' wand, but there were still things that Sirius wouldn't tell Remus.

"I wish I wasn't stuck here. If I could just get out for a bit... if I could do something _useful_."

Remus sighed, watching as Valentine was jostled to the side as Sirius reached to pour himself another goblet of wine. There was nothing Remus could say to Sirius about this because he didn't properly understand why Sirius had agreed to take this teaching position in the first place. He knew that Sirius felt that he owed Dumbledore a favor for letting Sirius spend the summer holidays at the castle while Sirius was a student, but from the way Sirius talked about it, it seemed that Dumbledore had more reason than this for asking Sirius to teach.

Remus shifted closer to Sirius, resting his head on Sirius' shoulder. He ran his fingers through Valentine's fur, feeling the gentle purring vibrations of Valentine's chest, then ran his fingertips over the back of Sirius's hand. It was like the first time they had touched, that day in Hagrid's house when they had been petting Valentine together. Remus was so happy that Sirius had come to Hogwarts - he had never expected to meet anyone like Sirius, never mind having someone like Sirius care about him so much. But being in the castle was getting hard on Sirius. It wasn't the teaching that bothered him, it was being separated from the outside world, and now being banned from the castle grounds made it even worse.

"Are you going to be okay here?" Remus asked, stroking his fingers over Sirius' wrist.

"I'll manage."

"Could you quit?" Remus asked. He really didn't want Sirius to leave, but it would make Sirius a great deal happier. Sirius considered it for a moment before he shook his head, and Remus felt guilty at how relieved he was to see this.

"No," Sirius said. "I _could_ leave, if I wanted, but I'm a man of my word. I told Dumbledore that I'd stay the whole year, and I told him that I wouldn't..."

Sirius trailed off, shaking his head again. He draped his arm around Remus' shoulders and pulled Remus closer against him. Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius' chest and looked up at Sirius' solemn face.

A happier look passed over Sirius' face for a moment as he looked down at Remus, like a glimpse of sunlight through the storm clouds of his deep grey eyes.

"I'll manage," Sirius said.


	12. Chapter 12

'Career Day' was easily Remus' least favourite day of the school year. Every January, Hogwarts held a Career Fair where various magical businesses and trades set up information booths in the Great Hall to provide students with information about the magical careers that were available. For younger students, this was an opportunity to get an idea of what type of magical job they would like to pursue and which classes they would need to take to get there. For older students who were already taking OWL and NEWT level classes, it was a chance to meet with potential employers and discuss job opportunities for the future. But for Remus, it was just another reminder of the many hardships of being a werewolf.

Werewolves had always struggled to find jobs; the vast majority of employers would never willingly hire a werewolf, and the regularity of a werewolf's sick days made lycanthropy a difficult condition to hide. As if that wasn't bad enough, the current Minister for Magic had passed anti-werewolf laws so that werewolves were required to blatantly state their non-human status on their CVs. For the few employers who would still accept werewolf applicants, there were so many legal restraints and clearances required that it was nearly impossible to hire a non-human creature, which meant that Remus would have a hell of time finding a job once he graduated.

Remus would have gladly skipped the Career Fair, but all students were required to attend and to write a report about a career of their choice, to be handed in to their Head of House. Remus had decided that he would write about careers dealing with Ancient Runes. After spending nearly half an hour talking with the witch at the Gringotts booth about working alongside Curse Breakers, Remus wished that he hadn't chosen something that he was so interested in. It was deeply disappointing to step back into reality and remember that it was _very_ unlikely that he would ever be able to get a job like this.

Feeling downhearted, Remus trudged after James and Peter as they wandered around the crowded Career Fair. Students mulled around the Great Hall and teachers were interspersed, asking students about their ideas for the future and encouraging the first and second year students who were too shy to talk to any of the information booth workers on their own. Career Day was meant to be an exciting and motivating day for the students (especially for seventh-years, who would soon be entering the working world), but Remus had never known it to be anything but dispiriting.

"And what do _you_ want to be if you grow up?" came a familiar voice from behind them. The three boys turned to find Sirius standing there and grinning at them.

" _If_ I grow up?" James laughed,

Sirius shrugged innocently. "Well, you never know."

"I'm still trying to decide between writing for the Prophet like my dad, or being an Auror," James said.

"An Auror?" Sirius asked, interested. Remus knew that Sirius had been an Auror before he came to Hogwarts. Sirius had worked as Ministry Auror for several years before he quit to work on another project (which he refused to say anything about, big surprise).

"Maybe," James said, "I haven't decided yet. But I guess I still have plenty of time to figure it out." The confident, charming smile on James' face showed that, no matter which path he chose, he knew he would be able to achieve anything he wanted to.

"And what about you two?" Sirius asked, turning to Remus and Peter.

Neither Remus nor Peter had an immediate answer for Sirius. Both were rather undecided about the future.

Peter scratched his head. "I don't know. Maybe just something general at the Ministry. Join the rat race, I guess," Peter said vaguely.

"You don't know either, Remus?"

Remus shrugged. "Well, it's not like I'll ever be able to get hired for any job because..." Remus lowered his voice, "Because, you know..."

Sirius had a strangely contemplative look on his face at this. "Hm, that's right," he said.

From the corner of his eye, Remus could see the annoyed look James was shooting in his direction. He chose to ignore it. Yes, Remus' expectations for the future were rather pitiful and bleak, but not everyone could share James' confident attitude of feeling that he could achieve anything he wanted to. Remus often wished that he could be as sure of himself as James was, but, for a werewolf, it just wasn't possible.

***

Remus was ineffectually working on a Transfigurations essay and trying to block out the sound of James banging around the dormitory. James had been uncharacteristically irritable after the Career Fair, and the deliberate noise in the dormitory made it clear that his bad mood hadn't lifted. Remus had been trying to ignore the clamour, but James had just slammed the lid to his trunk so hard that the windows rattled.

Remus sighed and set down his quill. "What's wrong?" he asked.

As if waiting for Remus to say something, James rounded on him.

" _You!_ " James said accusingly. " _You're_ what's wrong!"

"What do you mean?" Remus asked guardedly. The way James had exploded with anger made Remus immediately defensive.

James strode over to where Remus sat and glared down at him. "Today at the Career Fair, _'I'll never be able to get hired because I'm a werewolf'_ , that's not true!"

Remus narrowed his eyes. "Oh, isn't it? Thanks to the _lovely_ new Minister, my CV has to have a giant 'WEREWOLF' stamp on it now. And how do you suppose I could find a job with that?"

"That doesn't mean that no one will want to hire you! All you see when you look at yourself is that you're a werewolf, but there's more to you than just that!"

"You don't understand," Remus said, trying to sound indifferent and keep his voice level even though this was a very sensitive subject for him

James sighed agitatedly, raking his hands through his hair and pacing back across the room. "You _always_ do this, you _always_ give up before you even try!"

" _James,_ " Remus said levelly, "You don't understand. You can't understand the rejection I face." He was struggling to stay calm and avoid losing his temper. He and James had argued about this before, and he knew that James would never accept the truth that faced werewolves, but it was still difficult to keep from getting angry about it.

"I understand what it feels like to be rejected, remember all those years I spent trying to win over Lily? I _know_ it's hard to be rejected, but that doesn't mean that it's not worth it to try."

"How can you even _think_ that compares?" Remus snarled, his composure breaking at this imbalanced comparison. Did James really think that his own romantic rejection compared to the werewolf prejudice that permeated the vast majority of the wizarding world? Remus could feel an angry prickle on the back of his neck, could feel it in the deep growl his voice had taken on as the wolf inside seemed to creep closer to the surface as it sensed Remus' growing anger.

"When will you realize that everyone doesn't hate you?" The volume of James' voice was steadily rising and he was nearly shouting now. "You always assume everyone is against you from the get-go, but it's not true. Everyone who meets you likes you, but you push them away. You did it to Lily, and I'll bet you would have done it to Peter and I if you weren't forced to live with us." James waved his arm in Peter's direction, and Peter seemed to shrink back behind the bed curtains, trying to keep out of the fight.

Without even thinking about it, Remus was on his feet, stepping towards James. "If those people knew what I really _was_ then they would be so quick to accept me," Remus snapped, resisting the urge to shove at James. "Do you really think I could just go about my life without worrying about people figuring out what I am? This isn't me _imagining_ that the world hates werewolves, it's the truth!"

"Remus, you can't keep living like this! Giving up on everyone and everything just because you're a werewolf! It doesn't matter what you are!" James really was shouting now, and he had stepped towards Remus so they were chest to chest. Peter was watching warily, still trying to shrink away from the impending fight.

Remus _hated_ the way James could say things like this, _hated_ the way James could pretend that Remus' condition didn't matter. "You can't understand, you have no idea, I'm a _dark creature,_ I'm _dangerous blood-thirsty beast,_ I don't deserve to trick people into thinking I'm-"

James' fist connected with Remus' jaw, sending Remus staggering backwards. For a moment Remus was so shocked he could do nothing, and then the blinding rage of the wolf took over he launched himself at James, catching James around the middle and sending them wheeling back towards the bed frame. James was swinging madly at Remus, pounding him on the back and shoulders, and Remus tore at every bit of James that he could reach.

"Stop! Stop!" Peter shouted at them, but it was useless. James was shouting as he pummelled Remus and Remus was snarling with rage. They stumbled over James' trunk, a flurry of fists locking them together as they lost their balance. Remus cracked his head on the bedpost as they fell and he felt a white-hot burst of pain as the skin split. Dazed, he landed heavily on top of James. James was winded by the impact, but he was still pounding at Remus as much as he could.

"STOP!" Peter shouted again, " _LEVICORPUS!_ "

Remus was sharply hoisted into the hair by his ankle. James hung at the other side of the room, still gasping for air.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing?" Peter snarled up at them both.

The tense silence weighed heavily in the room. Neither James nor Remus said anything as they glared at each other in silent rage.

"I'll let you down if you'll calm down, alright?" Peter said.

There was still no response from Remus or James. Remus' head was throbbing where James had hit him on the jaw and where his head had cracked against the bedpost. Being held upside down was sending the blood rushing to his head and blood was pouring up his forehead and into his hair.

Finally Peter sighed, realizing that tempers were still too high for any semblance of civility. " _Liberacorpus,_ " he said, and Remus and James fell heavily to the stone floor.

"Get over yourself, Lupin!" James snarled, dragging himself to his feet and stomping out of the dormitory.

"You have no idea!" Remus shouted after him. The blood was pouring down his face now, dripping off his jaw and onto his shirt. He slumped back against the foot of the bed. His temper was still boiling but his head was pounding so hard that he didn't feel like he could move without getting sick.

Peter stared after James for a moment before he turned to Remus. He looked down at Remus with a hard expression.

"What?" Remus asked defensively, avoiding eye contact. He didn't want to talk about what had just happened.

Peter sighed as he sat down beside Remus on the floor. "What was that?" he asked.

Remus turned away, angry. Peter would inevitable take James' side in this, even though James was the one who had thrown the first punch. "I suppose you're going to defend James now, and say that he had every right to punch me in the face."

Peter was quite for a moment, studying Remus' furrowed brow. "James wasn't trying to make you angry, he was just trying to make you realize that you're too hard on yourself," Peter said gently. "We like you, so why shouldn't other people?" He lifted his wand to Remus' forehead to heal the bleeding gash.

"Don't touch me," Remus snapped, slapping Peter's hand away.

"Alright, then," Peter said angrily, getting to his feet. "James was right, you really _do_ need to get over yourself." Peter stormed from the room, slamming the door behind himself.

Remus winced at the sound. He glared at the door for a long time before he finally dragged himself up off the ground. The cut on his forehead had finally clotted and he did his best to clean the dried blood off his face and the collar of his shirt and heal his injuries, but he wasn't great at healing spells. He should have let Peter heal the injuries; Peter was just trying to help, but Remus had been so angry that he had slapped Peter away.

Remus felt sick about what had just happened. He hated fist fights; at least with duel he still had control over his mind, but when it came to physical violence he could feel the rage of the wolf taking over. James had swung at him like any normal teenage boy would in a fight, but Remus had torn at James like an animal, snarling and baring his teeth. It reminded Remus once again of what he was, and what had started the fight in the first place.

Remus didn't often complain about the hardships of being a werewolf because he knew that he couldn't change it and would have to accept it, but when James tried to make it seem like Remus was over-exaggerating werewolf prejudice, Remus had to shoot back with the truth. That was usually the standard argument they would have over the subject, but they had never come to physical violence over it. Today had been something different. Whether it was the Career Fair that was a concrete reminder that Remus would forever be an outcast, or if today had finally been enough of James trying to brush off his problems, Remus didn't know. The fact that James had lashed out at Remus over this was somewhat disturbing; was James just venting his anger, or was he really so passionate about it that he would pound it into Remus if he had to? Remus snorted. James and Peter may have accepted him, but it was a much different story for other wizards and witches.

Remus didn't want to see either of them right now. He skipped supper, and then left the dormitory with the invisibility cloak before James and Peter returned.

Sirius had a knowing look on his face when Remus arrived at his room. He said nothing as he let Remus in, and it wasn't until Sirius sat down beside Remus on the couch when he finally spoke.

"Did you and James have a fight?" he asked in a voice that suggested that he knew the truth, but wanted to hear it from Remus.

Remus shrugged. "A bit." His temper had cooled since the fight, but was still in a bad mood over it, and he was still horrified at his animalistic reactions.

"You've still got a bit of a bump on your forehead, want me to heal it?"

"No," Remus said, but he didn't object when Sirius touched his wand to Remus' forehead to heal the injury.

Sirius finished the spell and lowered his wand. He studied Remus' face. "James said that he didn't like you being so hard on yourself, and that you didn't take it so well."

Remus crossed his arms over his chest in a gesture that he knew must look childish, but he didn't care. "James doesn't understand. He thinks I'm making this all up, and that people don't actually hate werewolves."

"I think what James was trying to say is that he wants you to have more confidence in yourself. He's not saying life is going to be easy for you - of course you're going to have it harder than anyone else, it's impossible to deny that. But not everyone thinks about you like the way you think they do. Don't you remember how you were proven wrong when you thought that about me?"

"But you're different. You're, you're..." Remus trailed off as he searched for the right word to describe Sirius' unusual opinion of werewolves.

"Charming? Handsome?" Sirius suggested, and Remus couldn't help but feel his own bad mood ebb away a bit at Sirius' charm.

" _Insane,_ " Remus finally decided on. Sirius grinned and leaned in for a kiss. He slipped his arm around Remus' shoulder and slide in close against Remus' side. Remus sighed, letting out all the agitation from the earlier fight, and he rested his on Sirius' shoulder.

"But James is right, you know," Sirius said, pulling back to look into Remus' eyes. "I don't think you give yourself enough credit for how wonderful you are."

"Oh, come off it," Remus said, hoping that his face wasn't going red at such a compliment.

"You are! You're gorgeous, smart, brave, talented - you really don't have any plans for when you finish school?"

Remus laughed at the sudden change in subject and demeanour. " _Now_ you're getting all professor-like."

"Really, though. Nothing?" Sirius pressed. It wasn't the concern or disapproval that professors usually held in their voices when students admitted to having no direction for the future. Sirius had clearly brought this up with more intention than just scolding Remus about planning a career. There was something pressing on his mind.

Remus sighed as he was reminded of all the things that weighed so heavily in his thoughts. "Well, there's things I'd _like_ to do - maybe something with Ancient Runes, but I won't get able to get a job like that. There's too many restrictions and legal issues in hiring werewolves. I guess I could try to get a Muggle job, but there will still be issues with sick days around my transformations, so I don't know how well that would work either. So my plans are - well, I just try not to think about it."

Sirius was listening intently. His excitement was building as Remus talked about his lack of specific plan for the future. He sat up straighter, turning so that he could fully face Remus.

"Remus, I've wanted to tell you this for a long time, but I couldn't - not until you graduate. But knowing that someone as talented as you doesn't have any plans for the future is driving me crazy, and I need to tell you now. Dumbledore would tell me it's a bad idea to tell you, but I can't keep this secret any longer."

"If it's going to get you in more trouble from Dumbledore, then don't tell me," Remus said, frowning.

In such an agitated state, Sirius' building excitement quickly turned to anger at this mention of Dumbledore's power over him. He waved his arm dismissively. "Forget Dumbledore, this is more important than that, this is bigger than Dumbledore. This is-" Sirius stopped, trying to compose himself. He was clearly building up to something important. He turned back to Remus with an intense look on his face.

"Voldemort has been rising to power. He's gaining more followers and becoming stronger every day. You've seen it in the papers, you've even experienced it firsthand. Death Eaters have been attacking wizards and Muggles. All these innocent people... disappearances, deaths, torture... we _need_ to fight back. The Ministry has its Aurors, but it's not enough. They're not aggressive enough to really take on the Death Eaters, to counter Death Eater attacks."

This had been an unexpected change of topic, but Remus' mind immediately went back to the attack on his family on New Year's Eve. The Ministry hadn't shown up until long after the battle had ended, and the Aurors hadn't even been involved. Remus' didn't want to think about what might have happened to his entire family if he and his father hadn't been prepared.

"It's true," Remus said, "The Ministry isn't able to really defend against Voldemort. But how could the Ministry have known about the attack?"

"They wouldn't have been able to. The Ministry's approach is to wait until the attacks occur and pick up the pieces afterwards. They haven't got a clue what Voldemort is planning. They're not able to anticipate the attacks because they're not willing to go far enough to infiltrate the Death Eaters with spies to get firsthand information"

Remus could see the look of anticipation and excitement in Sirius' eyes. "Sirius... what are you going to tell me?" Remus asked.

"The Order of the Phoenix," Sirius said. "A small group of wizards and witches who are taking the fight against Voldemort to a higher level. It's not enough to just wait for Voldemort to attack and then clean up afterwards, we need to know exactly what Voldemort is planning if we want to win this war, and that's what the Order is doing."

"You're part of this?" Remus asked, amazed.

Sirius nodded. "Dumbledore is our leader. We're small now, but we're strong. We've been able to capture Death Eaters, counter raids, save innocent lives. And this – this is _important._ This is the only way that we have a chance of winning this war. We _need_ to do this."

Remus studied Sirius' face. Sirius was deeply impassioned by what he was talking about, and his determination and drive were clear.

"So why aren't you out there fighting?" Remus asked.

" _Exactly!_ Why aren't I out there fighting? Because Dumbledore has me chained up here like a _fucking dog,_ that's why! I can't leave the castle grounds, now I can't even use the Floo without his permission!"

Sirius jumped to his feet and began wildly pacing around the room. Remus watched warily. Once again the mention of Dumbledore's power over Sirius had set Sirius' temper off, and now Remus was starting to understand why. It had been Dumbledore's decision that Sirius come to Hogwarts to teach, cutting Sirius off from the frontline action of the Order of the Phoenix.

Remus watched as Sirius stalked over to the liquor cabinet and took out a bottle of Firewhiskey. He sloshed some of the amber liquid into a glass and quickly downed it. He poured another glass and set off pacing around the room again, too agitated to relax.

"There haven't been many Death Eater attacks lately. We've managed to prevent a few, but Voldemort is lying low right now and building his army. Dumbledore says that it's best for us to keep our heads low as well, so that our existence remains secret to Voldemort for the time being. That's why he has me teaching - so he can keep me right under his nose. He doesn't want me doing anything that he doesn't know about. The old man seems to think that I have a _temper,_ and that I act too brashly," Sirius said. He smiled grimly because he at least knew that this much was true. "Do you remember when you overheard that conversation in my office? Dumbledore was unhappy that I had been talking to the other Order members outside the castle. And when I disappeared that evening in December, the Order was defending a village and I couldn't just wait to hear about it later. I ran out to join them, and Dumbledore banned me from leaving the castle after that. He didn't want me to have the opportunity to rush out like that. We still have Order meetings here in the castle with the staff members that are part of the Order, but it's not enough for me. I can't just sit back! The Order has countered Death Eater raids, invaded Death Eater territory - my friends are out there dying and I'm stick in here teaching a bunch of snot-nosed brats!"

Sirius returned to the liquor cabinet to refill his glass. Remus was silently trying to take in all this information. It was hard to believe, but Sirius spoke about it so passionately that it must be true. Sirius was part of secret resistance group that was fighting against Voldemort, but instead of being part of the action, Sirius was locked up in the castle and forced to lay low. Of course Sirius got angry when mentions of Dumbledore came up.

Remus contemplated this. Dumbledore was a smart man; he obviously had a reason for pulling Sirius away from the frontlines, and that was because the Order needed to operate in secrecy. Sirius may not be happy about it, but Dumbledore was likely taking what he thought to be the best course of actions and the best precaution to ensure that the Order remained secret.

"Don't you think this might be best for now? To lie low," Remus said, "If Dumbledore thinks that it's best for you to stay here in the castle, then maybe he's right."

"But it's not fair to me!" Sirius protested.

"Well if Dumbledore says that-"

"I don't care what he says! I can't do this, I can't sit back while my friends are fighting!" Sirius had returned to the liquor cabinet and poured himself another drink. He paced for a bit, but finally settled down at Remus side again, still nursing the glass of Firewhiskey. There was a heavy silence in the room and Remus didn't know how to react to everything that Sirius had just told him.

Remus had known for months that Sirius was involved in something secret, but he would have never guessed that it would be something like this. Something so important, and dangerous. But it was a noble cause, something that Sirius was full-heartedly dedicated to, and something that was worth fighting for.

"So what do you say? Will you join us?" Sirius finally asked.

Remus blinked, shocked at what he had just been asked. He hadn't been expecting it. " _Me?_ What could I do?"

Sirius smiled at him. "You're an excellent wizard, Remus. I've seen that you're talented at duelling from class, and you've already successfully taken on Death Eaters. And it's not all fighting Death Eaters all the time. We need people behind the scenes, too. We need good people with us. Every person who stands up against Voldemort makes us stronger."

Remus' mind once again returned to the New Year's Eve attack. He counted himself as lucky that no one had been seriously hurt, but it could have been much worse. He had to face the fact that Voldemort was real, and not just a character in the stories in the newspapers. If Voldemort was going to do all he planned to do then Remus may no longer be so lucky. The attacks and deaths would continue as Voldemort rose to power, and when he succeeded there would be little good left in the world. But if they could do something to anticipate the attacks and counter them head-on, if they could work to stop Voldemort...

"So, if you don't have anything else planned for when you graduate..." Sirius prompted.

"Yes."

A look of joy and excitement sprang to Sirius' face, and Remus couldn't help but smile as Sirius pulled him into a brotherly hug.

Remus considered that maybe he should have taken a bit more time to think about this; joining the Order was a huge commitment and would be very dangerous. But deep down, Remus knew that he would reach this same decision even after careful consideration. This was a chance for Remus to be able to do something useful after graduating, something that made a real difference. Everything Sirius had said was true. It wasn't enough to sit back and wait for Voldemort to attack, they needed to do more. Remus wanted this chance to stand up and protect his friends and family.

Sirius was quiet now, having finished his drink, and Remus counted it as a good sign that he hadn't poured another. Sirius had a pleased, contented look on his face, and he had wrapped his arm around Remus' shoulder again.

"Well, at least one good thing has come from being locked up in this old castle," Sirius finally said, turning to nuzzle his face into Remus' hair.

"And what's that?" Remus asked, trying not to laugh at the ticklish sensation against his ear.

"Meeting you."

"You old sap."

-end Part II-


	13. Part III: Beyond These Walls

Remus sighed and sunk lower into the hot water in the prefects' bath. The tension headache that had centered just behind his eyes all day was finally starting to fade away. The full moon was tomorrow night and Remus could feel the itch of the wolf just under his skin, knowing that it would soon be free. Remus had been edgy all day and now, in the hot water and thick humidity of the bath, he was finally starting to be able to clear his mind.

He and James had made up after their fight; James had agreed that he was being a bit idealistic in his views of werewolf acceptance, and Remus grudgingly accepted that James was right about Remus needing to think a bit more kindly about himself. Both were reluctant to admit that they were wrong, though they both accepted that it was true. Remus was glad that the fight was in the past, but with the full moon so close, he didn't have much time to relax.

The mermaid wasn't in her portrait above the bath and Remus watched the painted ocean move in an attempt to clear his mind. He focused on the sway of the waves and tried to match it to the gentle movements of the bath water.

There was a sudden scrape of stone as one of the floor tiles lifted up. Remus nearly shouted in surprise, though he quickly recognized the handsome, smiling person who had just come up through the hole in the floor.

"What in the world?" Remus asked, laughing as he watched Sirius climb out of the underground tunnel and into the room.

"There are more ways into this room than the door," Sirius said, pushing the tile back into place, "More ways into any room in the castle than the doors. But I was _particularly_ insistent on getting into a room where I knew there was a particular naked prefect in the bath. May I join you?"

Remus didn't need to say anything to let Sirius know the answer to this question. Sirius began removing his outer robes, dropping them on the marble floor. He stripped off his shirt and added it to the discarded pile.

"When I was going to school I stayed at the castle over the summer," Sirius said as he continued undressing, "I got to know its ups and downs very well - _far_ too well for Filch's liking."

Remus just hummed, too distracted by the flex of Sirius' muscles to form more of a coherent response. Sirius toed off his boots and socks, then winked at Remus before he undid his belt and pushed his trousers down. Remus appreciatively watched the beautiful lines and muscles of Sirius' body as Sirius padded over to the bath and slipped into the water.

Sirius sat beside Remus on the underwater bench and wrapped his arm around Remus' shoulder in a familiar and comfortable gesture. Remus leaned back against Sirius' chest and rested his head on Sirius' shoulder. The hand around Remus' shoulder began massaging at the tense muscles there, and Remus sighed at the feeling. The hot water had helped to relax his tense muscles, but it was nothing compared to the effects of Sirius' strong hands kneading at his shoulders. Remus was finally starting to feel more relaxed. It was easy to push everything else from his mind, especially as Sirius' lips began trailing kisses down Remus' neck.

Remus' perfect, blissful state was interrupted by a loud and familiar shriek. His eyes flew open to see Moaning Myrtle floating above the bath.

" _Sirius!_ " she cried in shock.

"Oh hello, Myrtle," Sirius said brightly, as if he hadn't just been caught naked and kissing someone in the bath.

"Myrtle, it's not-" Remus began to protest.

"Remus Lupin, you _traitor!_ " Myrtle shrieked, "You said you'd ask Sirius if- if-"

Myrtle couldn't even finish her sentence. With an ear-piercing shriek, she disappeared through the wall.

"What was that about?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows.

Remus groaned. "At the beginning of the year, she wanted me to ask you if you were seeing anyone. She wanted a date with you."

"Did you tell her 'no', and that I'm already seeing someone quite wonderful?"

"No, that was before we were-" Remus gasped, suddenly realizing the full weight of what had just happened. " _She knows!_ "

"Knows what?"

"About _us!_ What if she tells someone?"

Sirius snorted. "Who is she going to tell, a toilet seat? She won't tell anyone."

Remus stood from the underwater bench and started getting out of the bath. "What if she _does?_ " he insisted. He needed to go find Myrtle right now and promise her whatever it took to make her keep her silence.

"'What if', 'what if'," Sirius said dismissively, "You need to stop worrying so much." He was trying to pull Remus back into the bath, but Remus' body was slick from the water and was slipping out of Sirius' grasp.

"This is serious!" Remus protested, but Sirius had finally managed to get a grip on Remus' boney hip to pull him back into the water. One hand moved to Remus' thigh and the other tilted Remus' face so that he was looking into Sirius' eye.

"No, _I'm_ Sirius, and I'm naked in the bath beside you. Now, what are you going to do about it?"

Sirius had an irresistibly charming smile on his face. Remus stopped his struggle to escape, effectively cowed.

"That joke," he said flatly, "is _terrible._ "

***

Remus wasn't surprised that the full moon was another bad one; he had spent the whole day imagining various scenarios where Myrtle would tell someone about what she had seen in the prefects' bath, word would get out, Sirius would be sacked, and there would be a scandal. He had told himself that he would stop worrying so much about the teacher-student nature of their relationship, but it was impossible to ignore. And in this case Remus wasn't just being paranoid; they actually _had_ been discovered.

"Dear, you mustn't let things get you this worked up," Madam Pomfrey said as she spread a thick potion over the bite on Remus' leg. "I know you must have so much on your mind with NEWTs coming up, but you need to think of your own health. The teachers really should make allowances for you. To think someone as hardworking as you has to suffer so much."

Madam Pomfrey finished applying the potion and smiled at Remus sympathetically before she left the partitioned area of Remus' bed in the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey always cared so much about Remus. This morning she had moved his bed beside the window so that he could look out at the freshly fallen January snow covering the Hogwarts grounds. Waking up after the full moon was never a pleasant experience, but being able to look out over such a beautiful day certainly helped distract Remus from the pain, and it was a much better sight than staring down at the open wound on his leg.

"Good morning, Madam Pomfrey" came Lily's voice from the other side of the partition. She sounded wavery and weak.

"Let's see that arm then," Madam Pomfrey said critically. "Yes, just as I though, it's broken. You weren't fighting, were you?"

"No, no, certainly not. I was just-"

There was a cracking sound and a small shriek from Lily.

"There we go, good as new."

"Thank you, Madam Pomfrey," Lily said, obviously still in a bit of shock but with her broken bone now healed.

"Lily!" came James' shocked voice.

James (and presumably Peter) had arrived in the hospital wing, as they always did after the full moons.

"Lily, what happened? Are you alright?" James asked, deep concern evident in his voice.

"I'm fine now. Madam Pomfrey's just healed my arm, I slipped in a puddle and fell. Would you believe Moaning Myrtle's flooded almost the entire second floor? I wonder what's gotten into her this time. Nothing's been this bad in years."

Remus felt rather sick at this. He knew exactly why Myrtle was so upset; she had caught the love of her life in the arms of another man, and that man was Remus.

"You're really okay?" James asked, still worried about Lily's safety.

"Yes James, I'm fine!" Lily insisted. "But why are you two here? Some prank backfired, I'll bet."

"No, we're here visiting Remus," James said, and Remus could tell from the unnatural upturn at the end of the statement that James hadn't meant to say that at all.

"Remus? Is he ill?"

"Uh, yes. Come down with something bad," Peter said, trying to backpedal from James' slip

"Remus, is that you?"

Remus panicked. From the sound of Lily's voice, she was coming closer to the partition. Remus couldn't let her see him with such a tell-tale bite visible on his leg. He quickly pulled the blanket up over the wound, but moving in such a manner caused so much pain that there was a deep grimace on his face when Lily stepped into view.

"Oh Remus, what happened to you? You look horrible," she said, coming to his side. James appeared around the partition a moment later, looking apologetic and worried. Peter was behind him, just as nervous looking.

"I quite feel it," Remus said, trying to keep his voice light and casual. "Just a bit of flu, really." James hadn't intended to let Lily know that Remus was behind the partition, but now Remus had to quickly come up with an explanation for why he was in the hospital wing looking so horrible.

"That's right," James said quickly, "Remus was in a horrid state so we had to bring him here. Isn't that right, Pete?"

"Right," Peter said, "Terrible, he was."

"Are you feeling any better?" Lily asked. She touched her hand to Remus' cheek to search for an unusual temperature.

Remus smiled at her, trying to look heartening. "I'm on the mend."

"We should get going," James quickly announced.

Lily turned to James disbelievingly. "But you just got here to visit Remus! Remus, don't you want some company?" She turned back to Remus, and Remus smiled at her.

"I'm not feeling up to it right now, but thank you Lily."

"Best to let him rest," Peter said, trying to encourage Lily to leave.

"Alright. Well, feel better, okay?" Lily laid her hand over Remus' hand and smiled at him.

"Thank you," Remus said sincerely.

The three of them left the hospital wing and Remus let out a sigh of relief. That had been close, but it seemed like they had successfully been able to convince Lily that Remus was here on account of flu, and not because he had just spent all of last night ripping himself to shreds as a wolf. But what Lily had said about Myrtle worried Remus. Remus knew he'd have to go pay Myrtle a visit.

***

Remus slowly made his way to the second-floor girls' toilets. The corridor outside was submerged in an enormous puddle, and even more water came gushing out as Remus pushed open the swinging door.

Remus stepped into the ankle-deep water in the bathroom. Loud sobbing was coming from the cubicle furthest from the door. Remus was somewhat relieved to find her like this; Myrtle was taking the discovering very personally and was clearly much too upset to have told anyone about what she had seen.

"Myrtle?" Remus called tentatively.

"GO AWAY," Myrtle shrieked between sobs.

"Myrtle, it's me, Remus."

This piece of information caused Myrtle's sobbing to become even louder. "You're the LAST person on EARTH that I want to see!" she wailed.

"I've come to, err, apologize..." Remus didn't feel that he had actually done anything wrong, but he needed to appease Myrtle and he didn't want to hurt her feeling any worse.

Myrtle's head appeared through the cubicle door and she glared at Remus maliciously. "I hope that after _you're_ tragically killed, someone will steal away the only man you've ever loved!" She passed back through the door and out of Remus' sight.

"Myrtle, don't you think you're overreacting a bit?"

"No!"

"Well, what I came here to say is that I'm sorry. I should have let Sirius know you were still interested in him. I know that telling him now is a bit too late, because he's with me. That's the way it is. But- but I feel terrible about what I did to you. It was very cruel of me. So I was hoping I could make it up to you. I'll do anything you like. What can I do to make you happy?"

Myrtle came though the cubicle door again and she stopped with her face inches away from Remus'.

" _Die,_ " she said.

Remus sighed. "Myrtle, please be reasonable. I want to cheer you up. It means a lot to me,"

"Hmph!" Myrtle crossed her arms over her chest and stuck her nose in the air.

"I really does," Remus insisted. "So what will cheer you up?"

"I want a date with Sirius."

Remus' eye twitched.

"Alright," he said levelly.

"On Valentine's Day."

"Fine," Remus said. He wasn't a fan of the holiday anyway, and he could hardly stand the romantic hysteria that surrounded it.

"Oh," Myrtle said, almost disappointed. She had clearly hoped that Remus would be more upset that she had demanded to have Sirius on Valentine's Day.

Remus had a sudden idea; there was a Hogsmeade visit on the Saturday before Valentine's Day, and Sirius would likely be miserable that everyone else would be leaving the castle while he was left behind. That is, unless he had something to distract him, like a date with Moaning Myrtle.

"Valentine's Day is fun, but the day that's _really_ important is the Saturday Hogsmeade visit before Valentine's Day. Sirius and I are going to go to Madam Puddifoot's together," Remus said, trying to sound convincing and hoping that Myrtle would take the bait in her initiative to make Remus' life miserable. The story about Madam Puddifoot's was a lie, of course, and Remus hoped that Myrtle didn't know that Sirius couldn't leave the castle (though even if Sirius _could_ leave, Remus would never be caught dead with him or anyone else in Madam Puddifoot's).

Myrtle considered this for a moment. "I want a date with him on Saturday as well."

" _As well?_ You want two dates?" Remus asked disbelievingly. He didn't really mind not being with Sirius for Valentine's Day, but he felt bad that Sirius would have to spend that much time with Myrtle. She had a certain way of depressing the people around her.

"I could have had as many dates as I liked, but _you_ stole him away from me entirely. I think I'm entitled to two dates."

Remus sighed. "Alright. But you can't tell anyone about me and Sirius."

"Why not?"

This was a careful issue. Myrtle thought that the only reason Remus was trying to appease her was so that her feelings weren't hurt. Remus couldn't let Myrtle know how serious this situation could be; she could be quite vindictive and he didn't want her to have the leverage of this secret. So Remus came up with the perfect reason.

"Well, I'm sure you know how handsome Sirius is. Everyone thinks so. If people found out that he's dating me, they'd all be jealous. Everyone would be demanding a date with Sirius, and we'd have to share him with everyone else."

Myrtle considered this as she drifted above the cubicles. "That's true," she said contemplatively. She stopped and sat on the high ledge of the window. "Alright. We'll keep him _our little secret._ "

"That's right. No one else needs to know," Remus said, smiling at Myrtle encouragingly.

Myrtle seemed satisfied, and Remus hoped for the best. Perhaps these methods of cunning and persuasion were a little Slytherin-like, but it had got the job done. Remus had been expecting that Myrtle would demand that he and Sirius break up and then Remus would have to spend an awful lot of time in the gloomy, damp bathroom trying to convince her otherwise, but she had agreed to keep the secret quite easily, and had only wanted two dates with Sirius in return.

Now the only problem left was to break the news to Sirius.

***

Sirius wasn't happy about finding out that he would be going on two dates with Moaning Myrtle, but he didn't put up a fight about it.

"Fine," he said grimly.

"Sorry," Remus said again, "I'm sure there are other things you'd rather be doing than going on a 'date' with Moaning Myrtle."

"I would _much_ rather be spending Valentine's Day with you. But I'll do this for you. I know how worried you get, and if all it takes to make you feel better is a couple of bad afternoons with Moaning Myrtle, then I'll do it."

It was a relief that Sirius agreed to this so easily. Not only did this take care of Myrtle's discovery, but it also meant that Sirius was occupied during the Hogsmeade visit and he wouldn't be miserable about being stuck in the castle (because he had an entirely different thing to be miserable about). And on top of it all, Remus was touched that Sirius was willing to do something so horrible just to make Remus happy.

Despite that he knew that Sirius was currently suffering with Moaning Myrtle, Remus was in a much better mood than he thought he would be for the Hogsmeade visit. He talked and laughed with James, Peter, and Lily as they sat together at a table near the back of The Three Broomsticks.

The Hogsmeade visit wasn't all cheery, though, and Remus wasn't the only one who was there on his own. Peter was single as well, having been dumped by his girlfriend the week before.

"Don't worry Pete, I've got some nice friends I can set you up with," Lily said, smiling at him. "We can find you someone nice."

"Really?" Peter asked hopefully.

James was scoping through the crowd in the pub. "Too bad I don't see that pretty barmaid working today. You could have asked her out!" he said, and Peter's face went red at the very suggestion.

"What about you, Remus? Don't you have a girlfriend?" Lily asked, turning to him.

"No. Not me."

James peered at Remus, trying to look knowing and perceptive. "You've got _someone._ You're always sneaking off at nights."

"I'm studying. NEWTs are just around the corner," Remus said.

"NEWTs aren't for almost four months yet!" James cried.

"Well, I think it's good that you're getting an early start. I know _somebody_ who won't be studying until the week before," Lily said, giving her boyfriend a disapproving look.

James raised an eyebrow. "You expect me to start studying a whole week before the exams? I think you're setting the bar a little high there," he said, and Remus hoped that James was being sarcastic.

"Say, Remus, how are you feeling?" Lily asked, turning to Remus with concern.

Remus thought for a moment before his mind went back to when Lily had seen him in the hospital wing. "Uhm, better, thanks."

"You still look a little exhausted," she said as she studied his face.

Remus shrugged. "A bit," he said, trying to brush it off.

"Are you sick fairly often? I notice you miss days of classes."

"Yeah, I, uhh…"

"Is that one of Hagrid's Kneazles?" Peter asked suddenly. They all turned to face the window, where Valentine was perched on the outside window ledge.

"Oh, he's _cute,_ " Lily said. From where Valentine stood, the heart-shaped patch on his side that he had been named for was clearly visible.

"That's Valentine. What's he doing here?" Remus said, though he didn't expect anyone to have any more of an idea than he did. It was strange that Valentine had wandered this far from Hagrid's house. Remus didn't think that Hagrid let his Kneazles wander too far from home.

"Maybe Valentine is visiting for Valentine's Day, ha ha," Peter said, laughing lamely at the terrible joke.

"I'm going to get him," Remus announced, standing from his chair. Hagrid was very protective of his Kneazles and he couldn't even leave his _babies_ alone for one night alone, so Remus couldn't imagine that Valentine was meant to be here on his own.

"Too bad that pretty barmaid isn't here. With a Kneazle in your arms, she'd be all over you!" James called after Remus as he left The Three Broomsticks.

Remus looped around the building into the back alley. When he rounded the corner, Valentine hopped off the window ledge and took off down the alleyway.

"Valentine, wait!" Remus called, hurrying after the Kneazle.

Valentine turned here and there down different alleys, but Remus was slowly getting closer to him. Eventually Valentine rounded another corner into an area that Remus knew was a dead end, and Remus let out a sigh of relief. Here he would be able to catch Valentine and bring him back to the school.

Remus rounded the corner after Valentine, and came face to face with a Death Eater.

Remus quickly drew out his wand, but the Death Eater was prepared. " _Expelliarmus!_ " she cried. The spell hit Remus and knocked him backwards, and he landed slumped against the stone wall. His wand flew out of his hand and the Death Eater caught it.

"Scared, little boy?" she asked sweetly. She kicked Valentine aside against the wall and stepped closer to Remus, pointing her wand at Remus' chest. Remus stared back at her masked face. His heart was racing, but he refused to let his fear show. Quickly his eyes darted over to Valentine, who still lay unmoving by the wall.

"Are you worried about that mangy thing?" the Death Eater asked, laughing. "The only good thing about a dirty creature like this is that they're tremendously easy to use the Imperius curse on."

The Death Eater's sleeve had fallen back as she held her wand and Remus could see the Dark Mark on her arm. Remus knew he needed to do something, but he couldn't do anything without his wand. Who was this woman, and why was she attacking him?

"I thought you would recognize me, little boy. Have you forgotten New Year's Eve already?"

"You-" Remus gasped. He recognized her mask now. This had been the Death Eater who had broken into Grandma Ellis' home on New Year's Eve, the one who Remus had duelled with in the hallway and had escaped. Anger boiled up inside of Remus. This had been the woman who had caused so much anxiety for his family.

"Yes, that was me. You forgot my mask so quickly? Well, if you don't remember that, I thought you'd at least remember me from how jealous you were that your boyfriend was making eyes at me."

She pushed her hood back and lifted off her mask, vanishing it. It was the pretty barmaid who worked at The Three Broomsticks.

Remus grit his teeth. He wanted to attack her, but he wouldn't be able to do anything without getting his wand back first. He had to think of some way to distract her.

"Distract me? You're not going to distract me, little boy. I'm a Legilimens. I know _exactly_ what you're thinking. That's how I knew it was you I should go after if I wanted to get to Sirius Black. I could tell, that day in the pub back in October, that he was quite smitten with you."

"This is about a date?" Remus asked, anger rising.

The Death Eater laughed her high, cold laugh. "Oh no, I'm not after a date with him. He's all yours. Though when I'm done with him, there won't be much left."

"Then what is this about?" Remus demanded.

"Lord Voldemort knows of Sirius Black. Sirius has caused quite a few high-ranking Death Eaters to reach their unhappy endings. Lord Voldemort hasn't yet turned his attention to getting rid of Sirius, but I know he'd be very pleased if I were to deliver Sirius to him. Something like that would get me closer to the inner circle. No more of this boring surveillance work." She nodded in the direction of The Three Broomsticks.

Remus glared at her. "Well you've made quite the mistake already, because I'm not Sirius. What are you going to do, transfigure me into him and hand me over?"

The Death Eater smirked at Remus as she approached him, wand still pointed at his chest. "You really are a Gryffindor, aren't you? Making comments like that even though you're at the disadvantage. Of course I'm not going to do that. What _we're_ going to do is Apparate out of here. Then we're going to write a nice letter to Sirius saying that if he wants his precious boytoy to live then he'd better hand himself over to me without a struggle. I've had quite a hard time trying to figure out how to draw him out of the castle after he got himself banned from leaving the grounds."

"He'd rather die than give in to a Death Eater," Remus snapped.

The Death Eater laughed again. "You think that's true? You think he would let you die? I think not. He would do _anything_ to get you out of danger. Besides, I could tell from his thoughts that he likes you quite a bit."

Even in this situation, Remus couldn't help but feel moved to hear something like this.

"Mm, isn't that nice and romantic with Valentine's Day coming up?" the Death Eater said mockingly. "Pity you'll be single by that time. But I've had enough talk. How about we go back to my place?" She reached for Remus' arm to Apparate away.

There was a loud hissing sound, and suddenly the Death Eater was shrieking. Valentine was latched onto her hair and the Death Eater was stumbling backwards, trying to pull the Kneazle off. Both the wands in her hand fired off, smashing apart the stone roof of the building beside them, and she dropped the wands.

Seeing a chance, Remus scrambled over the ground to grab the wands. Though she was still struggling with Valentine, the Death Eater saw what Remus was doing. She swung a kick at Remus and her boot hit him in the ribs, knocking him against some metal rubbish bins and sending them clattering and rolling.

The kick had knocked the air out of Remus' lungs but he still scrambled towards the wands. Gasping for air, his fingers finally closed around his wand.

" _Stupefy!_ " Remus cried, and the Death Eater fell backwards unconscious.

Remus slumped back against the wall. He stared at the Death Eater's unmoving form. Valentine finally untangled himself from her hair and limped over to Remus' side to nuzzle his hand.

Drawn by the noise, students and shop owners were starting to appear around the corner. "Remus, did you attack her?" a Hufflepuff prefect asked, shocked.

"No, I..." Remus was still having trouble getting his breath and he couldn't explain what had happened. Thankfully McGonagall came around the corner at the moment

"Professor!" Remus gasped.

McGonagall surveyed the scene; the unconscious woman with cat scratches on her face, the damaged buildings, and the scattered rubbish bins. "What happened here?" she asked.

"She's-" With great effort, Remus managed to drag himself up and over to the Death Eater. McGonagall stepped closer and Remus pulled up the Death Eater's sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark. "She attacked me."

McGonagall's face was frozen. For a moment she was silent as she though, then she touched he wand to her own throat and said, " _Sonarus._ "

"Attention students of Hogwarts," she said, her voice amplified throughout all of Hogsmeade, "Today's Hogsmeade visit is over. Please gather at the edge of the village and wait to be led back to the castle."

The students who stood at the edge of the alleyway began grumbling, but they left the scene. McGonagall sent off two Patronuses, silvery white tabby cats bounding off in opposite directions.

"Professor Flitwick will lead the students back to the school once they're gathered. We'll go back immediately. Can you walk? Are you injured?"

Breathing was starting to become easier for Remus again. "I've had worse," he said.

McGonagall levitated the Death Eater behind them and they left the village out of a side road so that they wouldn't be seen by the students. Valentine was trotting behind them, still limping a bit, and Remus picked him up to carry him. As they walked, Remus quickly explained to McGonagall what happened. McGonagall listened with an intent look on her face, though she didn't make any comments.

Hagrid was waiting at the castle gates. He took the Death Eater's limp body in his arms.

"Valentine, what are yeh doin' here?" he said once he noticed Valentine in Remus' arms. Remus set Valentine on Hagrid's arm and Valentine crawled up to sit on Hagrid's huge shoulder.

"He was down in Hogsmeade," Remus said.

Hagrid turned to Valentine. "What were yeh doin' in Hogsmeade?"

"A Death Eater lured him outside the castle. Everything will be explained shortly," McGonagall said. Hagrid nodded and left with the Death Eater. McGonagall led Remus up to the castle and through the hallways until they came to Dumbledore's office.

Dumbledore was in the back room of his office, but Sirius was there to greet McGonagall and Remus. "Brilliant!" he said, grinning at Remus

"A little more concern for Mr. Lupin's safety would be appropriate," McGonagall said sternly. She led Remus to the chair facing Dumbledore's desk and sat him down in it.

Dumbledore appeared out of the back of his office. "I've heard about the attack, Mr. Lupin. I'm gravely sorry that this has happened. We're waiting for the other professors to arrive, and then you can give us a full account of what happened." He disappeared into the back area again.

Remus gulped, feeling incredibly awkward. Would he have to explain what had happened in front of the entire staff? He glanced over at Sirius, and Sirius mouthed the words, " _The Order_."

Remus nodded. So it would only be the Order members, which was somewhat more bearable, though Remus hated being the center of attention like this.

Hagrid soon showed up, and Flitwick arrived shortly after. Finally Dumbledore took a seat behind his desk and looked at Remus. "I believe the best way to begin is for Mr. Lupin to tell us exactly what happened at Hogsmeade this afternoon."

Remus told the story of how he had followed Valentine the Kneazle into the back alley and had been disarmed by a Death Eater. The Death Eater was the barmaid who worked at the Three Broomsticks, and she was a Legilimens, and she admitted that it had been her who had attacked Remus' family on New Year's Eve. The story had to be modified slightly to explain why the Death Eater had targeted Remus, but he said that it was because she knew he and Sirius were friends. Finally he told of how Valentine had attacked the Death Eater and Remus had managed to Stupefy her.

The professors were silent as Remus told his story, listening intently.

"And she was after Professor Black?"

"Yes, sir."

"But she said Voldemort hadn't been seeking out Professor Black himself?"

"Yes, sir. I don't think she was acting on orders from anyone."

There was a knock at the door. McGonagall answered it and two people stepped into the room: the Minister for Magic, Enid Grayle, and the Head of Magical Law Enforcement, Barty Crouch. Remus tried to keep from frowning at Grayle. This woman had passed many anti-werewolf policies, and Remus was none too fond of her.

"Is it true? An attack, just in Hogsmeade?" Grayle asked as she stepped into the office.

Dumbledore nodded gravely. "It's true, yes. Here's the student who duelled with her, Remus Lupin."

A huge smile spread across Grayle's face. "Wonderful job, my boy. I hope you'll consider submitting an application to the Auror Academy when you graduate," she said. She took Remus' hand and shook it enthusiastically.

"Thank you, Minister," Remus said, trying to sound sincere. He wondered how Grayle would feel if she knew that she was shaking hands with a werewolf.

"You still have the Death Eater here?" Crouch asked.

"Yes, Rubeus and I will take you to her," Dumbledore said as he rose from his chair. He turned to the Order members before leaving. "We'll discuss this later this evening. Mr. Lupin, please try to keep this story to yourself as much as possible." He smiled at Remus. "Though I have no doubt that the story has already spread through the entire school and your classmates are anxiously awaiting the full details."

Hagrid, Dumbledore, Grayle, and Crouch left Dumbledore's office to go to the tower where the Death Eater was being held. Madam Pomfrey entered the office as they left and she let out an indignant cry when she saw Remus.

"Remus! I was told that a student had been attacked, and _of course_ it had to be you," she said, immediately reaching to take his pulse.

"Don't worry, Madam Pomfrey, I'm fine," Remus said, smiling at her. But Madam Pomfrey wouldn't accept this for an answer. She tsked and pulled him into the back room of Dumbledore's office for some privacy to examine him.

She set down her healing kit and it immediately unfolded itself to reveal a range of medical supplies and common healing potions. She healed the darkening bruise on his chest where the Death Eater had kicked him, and made him drink a potion that would help with the stiffness from being blasted backwards. It wasn't until Remus assured her for the fourth time that he really did feel fine that she was finally satisfied.

"Alright," she said. "You can go. But _be careful_ from now on. As if I don't worry myself half to death over you already, now you go and get yourself caught up in something like this!"

Remus smiled and thanked her. With a wave of her wand she packed up her healing kit again and they left the back office.

McGonagall and Flitwick had already left, but Sirius was waiting for Remus. With Madam Pomfrey, they left Dumbledore's office down the revolving staircase. Madam Pomfrey left them in the other direction, and as soon as she was out of sight Sirius pushed Remus against the wall and kissed him intensely.

Remus practically melted into Sirius' arms. He pulled Sirius closer by the front of his robes and kissed back, pouring out all the emotion he had been holding back since the attack. Even still, his heart was racing from the intensity.

The kiss broke apart and Sirius pressed their foreheads together, grinning as his hand stroked over Remus' cheek. "When you got back I was going to tell you that I'd had quite the day, but a date with Myrtle doesn't really compare to a duel with Death Eaters!"

"One Death Eater, and it wasn't exactly a duel... I was without my wand, and if it wasn't for Valentine, I wouldn't have been able to..." Remus broke off. If it wasn't for Valentine, Sirius may have been handing himself over to Voldemort right now.

Sirius studied his face. There was a pensive look in his grey eyes. "This is a guerrilla war. Nothing is certain. Sometimes the only reason you manage to save your skin is because of dumb luck," he said. He pulled Remus against himself and ran his hands over Remus' back. "It's not going to be easy, but it's worth fighting for."

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and leaned his head on Sirius' shoulder. It had been so close… he had been so close to losing this.

They stood together like that for a while. Remus was finally starting to realize how exhausted he was from the intense emotions from the fight.

"I suppose I shouldn't be hogging you to myself, I'm sure your friends are dying to hear about your day," Sirius said. He pulled away and smiled at Remus.

Remus shook his head. "I don't want to talk to anyone right now," he said. After everything that had happened, he just wanted to be left alone.

"You want to come have a lie down?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded and let Sirius lead him to the staff wing.

It wasn't until Remus was lying down on Sirius' bed that he realized that he had come all this way without the invisibility cloak. But it hadn't been a problem; no other teachers were in the staff wing while the school was in such an uproar about the Death Eater attack.

He smiled at Sirius as Sirius stepped into the bedroom with a mug of tea. Throughout the years of transformations, Remus had come to hate the feeling of being looked after, but Sirius didn't do it a way that made Remus feel helpless or weak.

Sirius sat down on the bed beside Remus and passed over the mug. Remus took it and relaxed into the warmth and smell of the tea.

Remus sighed. "So tell me about your day."

Sirius grinned. "As I said, I was going to say I had quite the day. I may not have duelled with a Death Eater, but surviving against Myrtle's cooking might be just as dangerous."

Remus laughed at this. "It was that bad?"

"It was _terrible_. If you think my cooking is bad, you don't even want to know what her cooking is like," Sirius said, wrinkling his nose at the memory. "Though I'm not sure you can call that 'cooking', or even 'food'."

"And you still have another date with her on Tuesday," Remus said teasingly, though it was through his own doing that Sirius would be going on this date.

Sirius sighed dramatically, laying his hand over his forehead for emphasis. "The trials I go through for love."

"Love?" Remus asked, feeling a pleasant warmth spread though his chest that had nothing to do with the tea he was drinking.

Sirius smiled.

***

By the next morning, several students were leaving the school to return home for safety after a Death Eater attack had happened so close. Remus couldn't help but think that this was foolish; not only was Hogwarts the safest place to be, but the isolated and targeted nature of attack meant that the school's situation wasn't any different than what it had been before.

But of course, to share that piece of information would mean that Remus would have to talk about the attack, which he refused to do. He really wished that stories didn't spread so quickly through the school because absolutely everyone knew that he was the student who had been involved in the Death Eater attack. He couldn't go anywhere without someone asking him about what had happened. It was horrible; Remus _hated_ being the center of attention.

Perhaps sensing his friend's discomfort, James knew he had to do something, and he made a brief return to his old prankster ways to create a diversion that would become the new talk of the school. Using the stealth that could only come from being an experienced prankster, he slipped a gravity-reversing potion into every drink in the school. Soon the staff and students had completely forgotten about Remus as they were literally screaming from the rooftops about what an unbearable toe-rag James Potter was.


	14. Chapter 14

"It's no use!" James cried over a bouquet of mottled red roses. "I'm a failure as a wizard. I'll have to drop out and live the squib life."

It was the evening before Valentine's Day and James was desperately trying to conjure up a bouquet of red lilies, which he believed to be a perfect and thoughtful combination of traditional red roses and lilies for Lily's name. His efforts had been highly unsuccessful so far, if the growing pile of discarded flowers was anything to judge by, and the magic was only getting worse as James got more and more frustrated. He dropped the mottled roses onto the top of the pile.

"You could just conjure up lilies and charm them red," Remus suggested. In response to this, James reached to the discarded pile and picked up a lily that had been charmed red. It was indeed red, stem and all.

"How about you just give her two bouquets? Red roses and regular lilies. You don't have to combine them," Peter said, trying to bolster James' spirits. James just sighed and ran his hands through his hair as he started pacing.

"Because that's not enough! This is my first Valentine's Day with Lily and I need to do something _perfect_ for her. She deserves the best so I need to get this spell right. I need..." James stopped pacing and his face lit up with a sudden idea. "I'm going to the library," he said.

This was an odd phrase to come out of James' mouth, but Remus couldn't say that he wasn't pleased to hear it. James had never developed the same fondness for the library as Remus had (largely because James had a natural inclination for making as much noise as possible and that sort of behaviour just wasn't allowed in the library) but apparently desperate times called for desperate measures. James quickly gathered up his books and left the dormitory, leaving Remus and Peter alone.

"Don't you have someone who you'll be spending tomorrow with?" Peter asked Remus.

"No," Remus said, and it wasn't a lie. He really didn't have anyone to spend tomorrow with, as Myrtle had demanded that Sirius go on a date with her on Valentine's Day.

Peter raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You're always sneaking off," he insisted in the same way that James always did.

Remus shrugged. "I've got friends other than you two who I spend time with, as well," he said. This didn't explain why he usually returned after lights out, but it seemed to hold up as an explanation. "But I haven't got a date for Valentine's Day, if that's what you're asking. I'll be spending tomorrow night alone."

"Great!" Peter said dryly. "Good thing I brought back some Firewhiskey from Hogsmeade. Tomorrow night we can have our own Valentine's Day party to _celebrate_ the fact that we haven't got girlfriends." Peter sighed dejectedly and flopped back on his bed.

***

Valentine's Day dawned and Remus pulled the blankets up higher over his head. He was unwilling to admit that it was time to get out of bed. He had never been a fan of this holiday, and the pre-Valentine's Day Hogsmeade visit had already gone badly enough for him; who knew what sort of trouble the real holiday would bring? There was already frenzied clattering from somewhere within the dormitory that didn't sound like it could be good.

"I DID IT!" came a triumphant cry. Remus' bed curtains were ripped back and James stood over him, triumphantly brandishing a bouquet of red lilies.

Remus grinned at the lilies. It seemed that James' library visit had paid off, as the lilies had the rich, deep red colour of roses. "Very nice. I'm sure Lily will be thrilled," he said.

"Indeed she will! That strange place called the _library_ that you've always talked about was more useful than I thought."

Remus laughed as James took off out of the dormitory with the bouquet of red lilies in hand. James was very rarely willing to do work beyond what his natural talent for magic allowed him to do, but pranks and Lily Evans were the two things that he was always willing to put in extra effort for.

Remus laid back down in bed. The day had started off on a good foot, but the other foot hadn't hit the ground yet. He probably should have been more optimistic - this was his first real Valentine's Day, or at least _real_ in the sense that it was the first Valentine's Day he'd ever spent while in a relationship with someone, but he still couldn't bring himself to be interested in such a ostentatious and unnecessary holiday (people really shouldn't need to be _reminded_ to care about their loved ones). He closed his eyes; maybe he could just sleep through the day...

" _Remus!_ "

Remus jumped up in bed and shivered violently as his head passed straight through Moaning Myrtle.

"Myrtle!" Remus gasped. He pulled the blankets up higher over his bare chest, suddenly wishing he had worn a shirt to bed. "What are you doing here?"

"Today is Valentine's Day," Myrtle said flatly.

"... And?"

"And it's a day to spend with the person you care about," Myrtle continued. She fixed Remus with a deadpan stare as she picked at a spot on her chin.

Remus sighed. It was too early in the morning to be dealing with Myrtle. "That's right. Are you looking forward to your date with him tonight?"

"No."

"No?"

" _Yesterday,_ " Myrtle said, carrying on in a different direction, "I heard two girls in the bathroom talking about your duel with that Death Eater, and about how brave and handsome you are."

Remus smiled wryly. " _No one_ said that about me."

Myrtle nodded. "Oh, they did. And Sirius said that about you, as well."

Once again Myrtle fixed Remus with a deadpan stare. Remus wasn't sure what she expected him to say. "Well, that was nice of him," he tried.

Myrtle nodded. "It was. You can spend tonight with him. I'll wait until tomorrow."

Remus studied her face. Was this a joke? Myrtle wasn't the type to try to make other people happy, but then again, she also wasn't the type to try to pull a prank like this.

"Don't think I've forgiven you for stealing him away from me," Myrtle said when Remus didn't immediately respond, "but you should spend Valentine's Day with him. It's only right."

"Really, Myrtle, you might as well have your date with him tonight. Valentine's Day isn't a special holiday for me."

Myrtle crossed her arms over her chest and huffed. " _Hmph!_ I try to do something nice for you and, and..." Myrtle began sniffling, ready to burst into tears.

Remus really wasn't ready to deal with this so early in the morning; Myrtle's mood swings were like a rollercoaster. He resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Actually, Myrtle, thank you," he said. Myrtle was still sniffling, so he added, "Sirius had a nice time with you on Saturday."

"He said that?" Myrtle asked, her sniffling suddenly gone and her face lighting up with amazement. Remus made no sign to either confirm or deny this, but it was enough for Myrtle. She disappeared up through the ceiling with a squeal of delight.

Myrtle did have a reputation as being a bit of a drag (she wasn't called _Moaning_ Myrtle for nothing), but she did have her good qualities and it was quite sweet of her to do something like this. Remus was sure she did it for Sirius' benefit much more than for Remus', but it was sweet all the same. He sent off a quick note to Sirius about the change of plans before getting dressed and going down to the Great Hall.

The pleased smile that Sirius flashed at Remus over breakfast was like a life preserver for Remus against the absurdity of the rest of the day. James' gift of red lilies was one of the mildest gifts given, and times were strange indeed when something that James Potter did could be considered mild. There were singing cards that would shoot glitter or confetti at their recipients, and the sheer amount of flowers that had been conjured up was enough to leave students with spring allergies sneezing. Bad poetry and proclamations of love could be heard in the corridors at all hours of the day. Remus almost thought he wasn't going to make it through the day and he was relieved when supper finally came. Soon he would have a chance to escape to more sane areas of the castle.

"Oh, Remus, about tonight," Peter said suddenly over supper.

Remus turned to him. "Huh?"

"Yesterday we said that we'd have our own party because neither of us had a date."

Remus gulped. He had completely forgotten about this. How could he tell Peter that he had made other plans without it seeming like Remus was off to meet a date?

But Peter's face was going red. "The thing is, w-well," Peter stuttered, "Lily said that one of her friends was looking for a date, and I, I asked her, and, uh..."

Remus was relieved to hear this. Not only would he not have to be the one to back out of their plans, but Peter would be off to do something far more enjoyable than having an alcohol-soaked singles party in their dormitory.

To appear suitably disappointed, Remus sighed and put on a dejected face. "That's alright, Pete. I'm sure I'll manage somehow."

***

"Happy Valentine's Day," Sirius said as he let Remus into the room. He wrapped his arms around Remus and pulled him in for a kiss. "I'll be sure to thank Myrtle for letting me spend such an important night with such a sexy man."

Remus smiled, amused by Sirius' enthusiasm. "Oh really? I don't see why this day is any more special than any other day of the year," he said teasingly.

"Ah, but why pass up a holiday that was made exclusively for shagging?" Sirius asked, and Remus couldn't argue with that. Sirius began pulling him towards the couch. "Now come, we must celebrate Valentine's Day by sitting in front of the fire in each other's arms and sighing romantically as we whisper sweet nothings to each other."

Remus hadn't meant to outwardly groan at this but it slipped out before he could stop himself. Sirius turned to him and Remus quickly clamped his hand over his mouth, but Sirius just laughed.

"As if I would make you do that!," he laughed. "I know you're a wet towel about Valentine's Day. But I've got a present for you."

"You didn't have to get me anything," Remus objected. He hadn't expected anything, and he certainly hadn't bought anything for Sirius in return. This was what he didn't like about Valentine's Day; it wasn't about romance, it was about the obligation to buy gifts, and now Remus felt guilty for not complying with the holiday, no matter how stupid it was.

"It's not much, but I want to give you something. I thought about asking the House Elves to go pick up something from Honeydukes for you, but I wanted to give you something that came directly from me," Sirius said. He pressed a quick kiss to the side of Remus' mouth before he turned and headed off in the direction of the kitchen.

Remus felt his stomach drop. "Is it cooking?" he asked worriedly.

But Sirius stopped before he reached the kitchen and picked up a piece of parchment off the table. "No, not cooking. Just a card. Come see."

Remus walked over to Sirius' side and took the card from him. It wasn't really a card, just a long letter written on a standard piece of parchment.

"It might be a bit over-sentimental, but _try_ not to get sick over it," Sirius said good-humouredly, and Remus laughed. He held up the letter to read it:

" _Love at first sight. I know that you'll say that it doesn't exist, that it's just a silly notion (and I know how much you hate silly notions), and that it's impossible to love someone without knowing anything about them. 'Lust is all that can exist at first sight,' you'll say. But it does exist – that's what happened the first time I laid eyes on you. That first time I saw you, that was it. I knew right then that I would fall in love with you._

_But there's a little more to the story than that._

_Allow me to elaborate (it's a bit of a long story)._

_When I first started working as a Ministry Auror ('back in the day', as it was, when we walked to school through the snow uphill both ways, etc. etc.) I started in the Special Engagements department as part of a Werewolf Negotiations team. We worked with Fenrir Greyback's pack, trying to establish trust and dissuade them from joining Voldemort. I had always prided myself on my open-mindedness and for going against the typical attitudes that the rest of the wizarding world held, but I'll admit that I was a little scared about this. I was scared from what years of living with anti-werewolf propaganda had told me what it would be like._

_At first, I thought it was just what I expected. Unkempt, wild-looking savages who lived in the dirt and cared about nothing more than bloodlust. But through the days and weeks spent in the camp, my perceptions changed. I very quickly came to realize that these people weren't beasts or savages, they were human beings, just the same as myself._

_There was a poignant sadness that seemed to hang over the pack. Some were like Greyback, who relished in being a werewolf, projecting it outwards into his human life until little of his original self existed anymore. But there were many who didn't feel this way. They had come to the pack by choice, but it was only because they felt that the world had left them with no other choice but this. They faced so much hatred in their lives that they felt that giving up and joining the pack was their only option._

_My viewpoint had changed completely. Negotiations were why we had originally come to the werewolf pack, but for me the most important thing was to show those werewolves that they didn't have to live this life. I wanted to help them. I wanted them to see that they weren't beasts, and even though a great deal of werewolf prejudice does exist in the world, it's not worth living a life like this. There are and always will be good people in the world who see them as the human beings they are and not as what society has labeled them as dangerous and sub-human._

_Enid Grayle was instated about that time, and she immediately withdrew the negotiations team. She believed that werewolves weren't to be trusted and we shouldn't be trying to reason with them 'as if they were human'. I've heard you rant and rave about what a horrible woman she is, and I agree with every word. I was furious at her for cancelling our operation just when we were getting so close to reaching an alliance. But still, our work there did have some payoff. Some of the werewolves left the pack and re-joined society. It wasn't the ultimate aim of our efforts with the pack, but I'm glad we were able to help those people, and to show them that there were more options than a life like that. It's true that werewolves face hatred and prejudice, but there are still people who accept and love them. Life will never be easy, but with friends who love you and care about you, you can make the most of it._

_Now to swing this story back to you. See, working with the pack is something that I'll never forget, something that will forever be a part of me. Something that had once scared me so much had become something so important to me and so close to my heart. And that's where you come in. Dumbledore actually mentioned you when he was trying to convince me to take this teaching job. Tricky old bastard – he knew exactly what he was doing. And it worked. Knowing that there was a werewolf attending school, who wasn't being held back by his condition and wasn't stooping to believe that he was just a savage, was one of the things that convinced me to take this job. You were everything I wanted to show the pack werewolves that they could be, and I was so excited to meet you. Before I even met you, you meant so much to me._

_I had been told your name before I started teaching (though I had been told much more about James, if you can believe it) and I was anxious to find out who you were. When I finally realized it, I couldn't believe it. Despite that I had wanted to meet you, despite that I_ knew _I would like you, I still hadn't expected to find this angel sitting there before me._

_My heart stopped for a second before it started hammering like a hopping pot in my chest. I'm sure you didn't notice – by now I'm very familiar with the fact that you thought I was about to kill you right then – but I was so flustered. How could such a beautiful being exist? I felt like my whole life I had been waiting for something like this, and it all culminated into this single moment._

_And that was it. First sight. I'll let you have your way and say that it wasn't fully_ love _right at that moment, but I at least knew that I_ would _fall in love with you. I needed to. Fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it. I know you'll gag at sappy ideas like that, but I think the gods must have been on my side for having put you here. How else could we have come together in such an unlikely situation? Though it wasn't without effort – I did all those stupid things like put exams around the full moon and make a fool out of my self ("I'm very Sirius", har har). I was determined to get to know you. It was dangerous and stupid and thoughtless but I would do it all over again. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for having met you. Because it turns out that being amazingly beautiful and impossibly intriguing was only just scraping the surface of everything wonderful that lay beneath. There's so much more that I couldn't have known at first sight._

_So maybe you're right, maybe love at first sight can't exist. But there was definitely something in that very moment, something profound that will never leave my heart, and through these months we've spent together, it's become stronger and more deeply-rooted than ever._

_I love you._

_-Sirius"_

Remus stared at the letter, barely noticing his shaking hands. His lungs felt tight, like his heart had swollen in his chest and was pushing them out. He had been determined to have a romance-free Valentine's Day but this letter was a definite exception. His fingertip traced over the last line.

Sirius brushed a soft kiss over Remus' temple, and Remus could feel the curve of a smile on his lips. "Well?"

"I don't know what to say," Remus murmured. He wished he could form some sort of adequate response to the heartfelt letter, but he could never put his feelings into words as eloquently as Sirius had.

"You managed to make it through the whole thing without gagging, so I'm going to take that as a good sign," Sirius said, smiling. "I just wanted you know all these things and I thought that today would be a good day. Don't think of it as a Valentine's Day present, because I didn't try to embellish it with sweet nothings and flattery and all that. Every word is true."

Remus reached down and laced his fingers together with Sirius'. 'Love' still seemed like a strange word to Remus; Remus had never expected that he'd ever experience it, and he hadn't yet been able to say it to Sirius. But still, even if he couldn't put it into words, Remus was sure he felt it, and Sirius must have been able to feel it too.

"Sirius…" he said quietly, practically a whisper.

"Hm?" Sirius leaned in closer and his hand moved to rub up and down Remus' arm. Sirius always had the effect that he could thrill Remus at the slightest touch, and even this gentle brush of fingers was enough to leave Remus wishing for more of the touch. Remus could feel the heat radiating off Sirius' body and could smell the deep, heady scent of his skin. He looked up into Sirius' eyes, so beautiful, so loving, and then leaned in to capture Sirius' lips in a kiss.

He could feel the curve of a smile on Sirius' lips in the stretch of skin and the gentle upturn at the corners. That smile made Remus' heart leap - because even though Remus couldn't put his feelings into words, Sirius understood what he was trying to say. With the hand that wasn't holding the letter, Remus reached up to tangle into Sirius' hair and pull him closer to deepen the kiss. His tongue swept over Sirius' upper lip and into his mouth, and Sirius' tongue curled around his own. Strong hands moved onto Remus' hips as Sirius stepped closer to bring their bodies together.

The heat of Sirius' body – Remus could never get over the intense heat that radiated off this man. Feeling it like this through their clothes only reminded Remus of how much more intense the heat was when it was skin on skin pressed together.

Remus blindly set the letter down on the table; he didn't want it to get lost or crumpled, because it was definitely something he would be keeping for a long time, but right now he had more pressing matters to attend to. His hands roved down Sirius' chest and over his stomach, fingertips trailing over the warm skin above Sirius' belt. A forward press of his hips together earned a lovely little groan from Sirius, and Remus wanted more of that sound. He needed to feel the heat of their skin together.

He wasn't sure which one of them led the way up the stairs, but it was definitely Remus who pushed Sirius down on the bed. They parted briefly as their clothing found its way to the floor, and then Remus pressed down against Sirius again he could finally feel the penetrating heat of Sirius' skin against his own. The slow slide of legs as they moved together, the full expanse of their chests with the thrumming of their heartbeats, and the heat of Sirius' hands as they roved all over Remus' skin. Sirius' hands were everywhere, pulling Remus so close, rubbing down his back, spreading over his chest and down his stomach, and then – Remus let out a low moan at the touch. From his place propped up above Sirius he could watch every minute movement of Sirius' face – the gentle parting of his mouth as his tongue darted out to moisten his lips, the furrow of his brow as his hands worked to bring them closer, and the flutter of his eyelashes as he gazed up at Remus with pale, grey eyes so full of love. All Remus could think was how? How had he been so lucky to find someone like Sirius? Remus had never even hoped for something like this, had never imagined he'd fall so hard for someone, but Sirius had changed so much in him.

A deep groan from Sirius told Remus that he was close, and Remus felt it as well. Sirius' head tilted back, exposing the perfect line of this throat, and Remus could feel the tensing of Sirius' body with his own as hands and thrusting hips carried them over the edge.

He slid down beside Sirius and Sirius' arms wrapped around him. Even as they lay still together, Sirius' fingers never stopped stroking over Remus' back. His fingers rubbed tiny circles along Remus' spine, tracing every dip and bump. Remus sighed contentedly and pressed himself closer against Sirius. _This,_ Remus thought, was exactly how Valentine's Day should be spent. Nothing special, no piles of chocolate and flowers, because they didn't need those things to show each other that they cared. They showed it every day through what they did.

Eventually Sirius untangled their limbs and moved up the bed to pull back the duvet and sheets. It was the middle of winter and even the constant heat that radiated off Sirius' body wasn't enough to ward off the chill of the castle. Complying, Remus crawled up the bed and slipped under the blankets beside Sirius.

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus again and tucked himself under Remus' chin. "Goodnight," he murmured against Remus' chest.

Remus peered down at him. "You're going to sleep already? I haven't even been here an hour, and now it's time for me to leave?" Remus tried to pull away from Sirius to get out of bed, but Sirius tightened his arms around Remus.

"No, stay," Sirius murmured sleepily, not moving from where he had buried himself against Remus' chest.

Despite that their evening was being cut so short, Remus couldn't help but find sleepy Sirius rather adorable. "You're already nearly asleep," Remus said, keeping his voice low so it wouldn't jolt Sirius awake.

"Mm," Sirius hummed, and Remus could feel the vibration against his own chest. "You should stay here and sleep too."

"No way. James and Peter already ask enough about where I go in the evenings, and if I didn't return until morning they'd know that I wasn't just off studying or meeting friends. And they'd catch me even if I tried to sneak in quietly, I know they would, that's just what they're like."

Sirius' response was a gentle snore.

Remus let out a quiet laugh, taking a moment to observe Sirius' peaceful face. Sirius was handsome no matter what he was doing, but with his features softened by the tranquil blanket of sleep he looked more sweet than anything. It would be nice to spend the night here at Sirius's side, but Remus wouldn't be able to do that without causing too many questions to arise from his friends.

Sirius' tight hold around Remus had loosened now that he had drifted off, and Remus managed to disentangle himself so he could gather up his clothes. He was nearly finished getting dressed and had just sat down on the edge of the bed to tie his shoes when he heard a soft voice behind him.  
 **  
**"Don't go yet," Sirius murmured. His voice already sounded a bit hoarse from his short rest. "I've got more planned for tonight."

Remus turned to look at him. Sirius still had his eyes closed and didn't look like he was about to do anything else soon. "Can you stay awake for it?" Remus asked sceptically.

"I've had a long day. But don't go yet. I got some especially nice wine for us to share tonight."

Sirius' hand drifted over and blindly found Remus'. Remus couldn't help but smile as their fingers laced together, and he watched a slow smile bloom over Sirius' face as well.

"Alright, I'll stay for a bit," Remus said. He couldn't say no that face.

Sirius' eyes finally fluttered opened. He propped himself up on his elbow and pressed a slow, soft kiss against Remus' lips. When he pulled back he was almost looking like he was about to get up, but then he sighed and flopped down on the bed again.

Remus laughed. "Do you want me to go get it?"

"Yes," Sirius said into the pillow, trying to stifle a yawn. "Downstairs, in the cabinet."

Remus ruffled Sirius hair then darted out of the room before Sirius could swat him away. He still felt satiated and sluggish as he made his way downstairs and over to the liquor cabinet in the main room. It _would_ be rather nice to enjoy a bottle of wine together in Sirius' warm, comfortable bed, though Remus wasn't sure that he believed Sirius when he said he would be able to stay awake for the rest of the evening. Remus reached around the bottles of Firewhiskey in the cabinet (why did Sirius need so much?) and took the only bottle of wine before heading to the kitchen for goblets.

There were some charred looking pans sitting in the sink - it seemed that Sirius _had_ tried to do some Valentine's Day cooking, but the results obviously hadn't been fit for consumption. On one of the counters there was a pile of red and pink cards, and a quick glance at them told Remus that they had been sent to Sirius by various female students. Of course a young, handsome professor like Sirius would get cards from students. Remus could recognize Mary MacDonald's handwriting on the card on the top of the pile, and he picked it up to read it. ' _Professor Black, without you, my world is Blue. Be mine_ ', it said. Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. The next card in the pile said simply, _'Sweet like you'_ , and was attached to a package of homemade cookies. The cookies looked rather tasty but Remus resisted sampling them; girls could get pretty crazy with love potions.

Remus opened the cupboard and took out two wine goblets. He uncorked the bottle with his wand and he was just started to pour the wine when Sirius showed up in the kitchen doorway, yawning.

"Awake, are we?" Remus asked. He raised an eyebrow at Sirius, who had managed to pull his trousers back on but nothing else.

Stifling another yawn, Sirius sat down at the table. "Sorry. Today was too long. Girls were hounding me _all day_ ," – he waved his arm at the pile of cards for emphasis. "Honestly, my office has so many flowers in it that it looks like a florist shop. And _then_ after that we had a long Order meeting that lasted all through supper." Sirius sighed, resting his head on his hand. He was still for a moment before he suddenly jolted awake. "Oh, that's right! I have some Order news for you!"

Being that Remus wasn't officially allowed to be an Order member yet, he didn't attend Order meetings. He wasn't even sure if the other members knew that Sirius had asked him to join, but he was still very interested in knowing what was happening with the group that would be such a big part of his life after graduation.

"Oh?" Remus prompted. He set the two wine goblets on the table and sat down across from Sirius.

"Dumbledore got back from the interrogation of the Death Eater that was captured in Hogsmeade. It seems that everything she told you was true. Her and her accomplice weren't under orders from Voldemort, and she was after you in hopes that she could get to me. It's true that Voldemort isn't pleased about the unhappy ending I've given some of his Death Eaters, but as far as we know he's not after me right now."

"Good," Remus said. It was a huge relief to know that his family and Sirius were safe and weren't being targeted by Death Eaters.

"The Order has decided that, even though this was an isolated incident, students are no longer allowed to leave the grounds without an Order patrol," Sirius said.

"I don't think you have much to worry about, then, other than the year-end Hogsmeade visit. Students don't often leave the grounds otherwise, do they?"

"Easter holidays are coming up, and students occasionally leave the grounds for family reasons. And you're forgetting that there's one student in particular who leaves the castle grounds every 29 or 30 days, and that student has already been the target of two Death Eater attacks."

"My transformations?" Remus asked. He felt sick at what Sirius seemed to be implying.

Sirius nodded. "Anyone would have to be mad to attack a transformed werewolf, but you'll be particularly vulnerable at dawn. There'll be an Order member patrolling the premises at all times."

" _No._ "

"You don't really have a choice."

"I don't want... I don't want someone..." Remus trailed off, unable to put it into words. He didn't want anyone to be anywhere near the Shrieking Shack while he was transformed. Not only was it dangerous to be so close to a werewolf, but the thought of someone being there to hear Remus' howls, to see him afterwards with his skin torn from claws and teeth that had been his own... he couldn't have that.

"The decision has already been made," Sirius said. "Even if you don't like it, it's for your own safety. But the good news is that I'm finally allowed to leave the castle grounds. For a bit, at least. While I patrol the Shrieking Shack."

Remus sighed. "Fine. Someone can be there to patrol, but it can't be you. I don't want it to be you."

Sirius frowned at him. "I'm going to have to think of a very good excuse as to why I'm unloading patrol duty onto someone else after I've already volunteered for it."

"Sirius, I don't want you to see me like... like that," Remus said. He couldn't look at Sirius. He picked up his wine and lifted it in the imitation of taking a sip, hiding his face behind the goblet.

"I know what you are," Sirius said. "That's no surprise to me. I've just told you about all the time I've spent getting to know werewolves. Why would this change anything?"

Remus still couldn't look at Sirius. "Have you ever seen the transformation? Have you ever been around a real transformed wolf?"

"No," Sirius said quietly.

"If you're actually there to see and hear..." Again, Remus trailed off. It was one thing for someone to know that he was a werewolf; it was something completely different to be there for the transformation. He shook his head. "I don't want you to be there."

Sirius was silently watching Remus. He sighed. "For this full moon I'll ask one of the other Order members to do the patrol."

"For _all_ the full moons for the rest of term," Remus insisted, but Sirius wouldn't agree to this.

***

Remus tried not to let himself worry about this. It was incredibly unnerving to know that someone would be so close during the transformation, as Remus doubted that the true horror of it wasn't something that a person could prepare for by just reading about it in a book. The thought of that person being _Sirius_ was even worse. Remus just tried not to think about it. Like Sirius had said, Remus didn't have much of a choice in the matter.

Luckily, forgetting about troublesome things was easy when the weather provided such ideal conditions for a snowball fight. Remus, Peter, James, and Lily had spent a large part of the afternoon out on the castle grounds locked in snow battle. They were covered in snow from head to toe before they finally declared a truce and started heading back to the castle for some much needed hot chocolate.

On their way up the path, they came across Sirius and Hagrid on their way to the castle as well.

"Fresh from the battlefield, I see?" Sirius said, noting their snow-covered clothing with a grin. Sirius was wearing the scarf that Remus had given him for Christmas. Sirius looked incredibly handsome in the scarf, and Remus once again congratulated himself on picking such a good gift.

"A truce was called, and now we're going to go drink to our kinship," James announced nobly, "Are you going to join?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, maybe later. We've got a meeting to get to right now." He nodded at Hagrid, and Hagrid fixed them all with a look.

"When was the last time yeh all came to visit me an' my Kneazles, eh? Valentine's feelin' better now, an' all the others miss yeh!" Hagrid said. He clapped his hand onto Lily's shoulder and nearly knocked her to the ground.

"Soon. We promise!" James said, grabbing Lily to keep her knees from buckling

Hagrid agreed to this, and he and Sirius left up the marble stairs to their meeting as the others made their way to the Great Hall. Remus wondered if Sirius and Hagrid' meeting was a staff meeting or an Order meeting. It was strange to think that his teachers were involved in a secret and important organization like the Order, but Remus supposed he shouldn't find it so strange because he was now involved in that organization as well.

Their group took a seat at Gryffindor table and started pulling off the outer layers of their winter clothing. As if sensing their desires, four mugs of hot chocolate materialized on the table, and then all tucked in to a well-deserved treat after a long battle.

"Wasn't Sirius wearing that scarf you bought in Hogsmeade?" James asked Remus as they drank their hot chocolate.

"It's _Sirius_ now, is it?" Lily asked teasingly. "No longer 'Professor Black'? Is he your boyfriend or something?"

James laughed. " _Definitely_ not. But that's the same scarf, isn't it?"

Remus shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. "Yeah. I gave it to him for Christmas," he said offhandedly.

But luckily James didn't find anything strange in this statement, and instead he slapped himself on the forehead. "That's right! Why didn't I get him anything for Christmas? I completely forgot!"

"That was months ago, I wouldn't worry too much about it now. You were too excited about your date at the Slug Club Christmas party. Remember?" Remus nudged James in the side.

" _I_ remember," Lily said. "You've all changed a lot since Professor Black came to Hogwarts, it's nice. You boys are all friends, aren't you?"

Remus, James, and Peter had all become close with Sirius over the past few months, and the three of them often spent afternoon in Sirius' office. Peter had never gotten as close to Sirius as Remus and James had, but he had still moved beyond calling Sirius 'Professor Black'.

Remus was glad for their friendship. James and Peter had been his best friends throughout his years at Hogwarts and it was nice to have another close friend added to their group. Not only were they a fun group to be around, but it also made Remus' closeness with Sirius less conspicuous. James or Peter were never invited to the staff wing like Remus was, but at least it meant that Remus and Sirius could freely act like friends while other people were present.

Remus was finally starting to worry less about the dangers of his relationship with Sirius. Sometimes he even entertained the idea of telling James and Peter about everything, but always quickly dismissed it. They were excellent at keeping secrets, but Remus wasn't comfortable enough to let them know about this. Not that they would squeal on him to Dumbledore or anything, but James and Peter didn't even know that Remus was interested in boys, never mind that that boy was their professor.

One day, Remus would tell them. But for now, he was quite happy to keep their relationship secret. Remus grinned to himself as he walked back to Gryffindor Tower with James, Peter, and Lily, completely lost in his own thoughts as their conversation carried on. Maybe there was even something fun about being involved in a secret romance.

When Remus returned to the dormitory, there was a note sitting on his bedside cabinet. Important school notices were occasionally delivered in this manner rather than being sent by owl, but he wasn't expecting anything. He picked up the note and broke the wax seal to open it.

" _Dear Mr. Lupin,_

_An important matter has come to my attention and must be discussed. Please meet me in my office tonight at 7:00PM. The password is 'Fizzing Whisbey'._

_Albus Dumbledore"_

Remus could decide if he wanted to faint, throw up, or scream. His legs had gone weak and he sat down on the edge of his bed. They had been discovered. Dumbledore knew.

It was several minutes before Remus calmed down enough to think rationally. Maybe it wasn't about his relationship with Sirius. Maybe it was a follow-up meeting to discuss what had happened to Remus in Hogsmeade. Or, even more likely, maybe it was to discuss the new patrol for Remus' upcoming transformation.

Remus forced his breathing to become more steady. He did have a tendency to expect the worst case scenario out of everything, and it was very likely that he was jumping to conclusions. There was no way Dumbledore could know. They had never been seen together by anyone (other than Myrtle, and Remus believed her when she said she wouldn't tell), and the things that Remus did with Sirius in public were no different than what James and Peter did as well. To the eyes of everyone else around them, Remus and Sirius were just friends.

 _But,_ Remus thought, Dumbledore did know quite a bit of what happened in the castle, and maybe he had other ways of knowing.

***

Remus wished that he had a chance to talk to Sirius before the meeting; he wanted to ask if Sirius knew anything or had received a similar letter, but Sirius was busy at the meeting he had gone to and then he didn't come down to supper.

Remus couldn't bring himself to eat much. He stared at the food on his plate as his stomach churned. Again and again he tried to remind himself that this meeting would likely be about the Hogsmeade visit, or about the patrol for Remus' transformations, but somehow he couldn't shake the feeling of dread that something had gone wrong.

Later, when Remus left Gryffindor Tower to go Dumbledore's office, he was distinctly reminded of the dread he used to feel when Sirius had arranged the exams around the full moon at the beginning of the year. He had been convinced that Sirius would attack him, and had felt like he was walking to his death. This current feeling was much worse, though, because this time he wasn't just worried about what would happen to him, but to Sirius as well.

"Fizzing Whisbey," Remus said once he arrived at the gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office. It was difficult to make himself say such a silly word when he was in this grim state; it was like trying to force a smile while feeling entirely miserable.

He knocked on the office door when he got to the top of the moving staircase, and the door opened a moment later. Remus' worst fears were confirmed when he saw Sirius sitting across from Dumbledore's desk. He felt like his stomach had dropped down to his feet.

"Good evening, Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore said. He opened the door wider so that Remus could step inside. "Come in and have a seat."

Remus tried to form a response to Dumbledore's greeting, but all he could get out was, "Guuh." His legs were unsteady but he managed to walk over to one of the empty chairs across from Dumbledore's desk. He could see out of the corner of his eye that Sirius looked surly, but he didn't dare look directly at Sirius right now. Instead he stared down at his own clenched fists in his lap. This was it.

They sat in silence for a while, though Remus really couldn't tell how long; every second felt like a lifetime as he was waiting for his world to come crashing down around him. He glanced up at Dumbledore and found Dumbledore's blue eyes studying his face. Suddenly Remus felt the pressure of the situation. He didn't know what to do – should he confess everything right now? That for months he had been romantically involved with a teacher, that he had snuck into the staff wing countless times, and that his wand was enabled with an unlocking spell to unlock a teacher's door?

Remus' panic was interrupted by the click of the door, and suddenly his idea of what this meeting was about was flipped on its head as James stepped into the room.

"Good evening, Mr. Potter. Have a seat beside Mr. Lupin and we can begin our meeting."

The look on James' face was anxious, like he had some idea of what this meeting would be about. Remus was now deeply confused; he glanced over at Sirius, trying to discern if Sirius was as clueless as he was, but Sirius was looking as surly as ever **.**

"I trust that you're both doing well?" Dumbledore said lightly in an attempt to ease the tension in the room. James nodded and Remus didn't move. He still felt too terrified to do anything.

Dumbledore didn't seem to be perturbed by the lack of response. He peered at Remus and James like he could read their minds. Finally he cleared his throat.

"One does try to ease into conversations like this one, but perhaps now is not the time for small talk. Instead, I'll get directly to the point of this meeting. It seems that the two of you know something of the Order of the Phoenix," Dumbledore said. "Please tell me everything you've heard."

James sat tall and proud in his chair. "Professor Black said that it was a secret organization of witches and wizards who are standing up against Voldemort. He said it was a way to stand up for the good in the world. The Order is laying low right now, just as Voldemort is, but when Voldemort begins his attacks again, the Order is ready to do whatever it takes to stop him," James said.

Dumbledore nodded. "It seems that Professor Black's explanation failed to include the full extent of the danger involved. What the Order of the Phoenix does is very dangerous. Voldemort is ruthless. He'll kill anyone who stands in his way, and he has many followers who would do the same. Already many of our members have been killed, and I fear that many more will die before we can succeed. Joining the Order is not a decision that could ever be made lightly. It is not a quest for glory, or thrill. It is a dangerous task that is not meant to be taken on by anyone other than those who are willing to risk everything."

"Professor Black told us all that," James said, "And I know it's true. But it's something that has to be done. It's a dangerous task, yes, but it's worth fighting for, and it's something that I _am_ willing to risk everything for."

"I'm glad for your support, but as you said yourself, this organization is secret. Secrecy is essential to our operations. If information falls into the wrong hands, it will be the end of our foothold over Voldemort."

Dumbledore then turned to Sirius. "And, Professor Black, why was it that you thought it fit to tell two students about the Order?"

Sirius sat with his arms folded across his chest as he glared at Dumbledore. "I don't care if you're angry about it, I've done the right thing by telling them. We need good wizards with us. I've already asked them to join, and they both said they would."

"Is this true?" Dumbledore asked, turning to James and Remus.

"Yes, sir," James said. Remus was glad that James was doing all the talking, as Remus didn't feel steady enough to give a coherent response while Sirius was potentially about to be kicked out of the Order for breaking secrecy.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "I'm glad," he said.

Remus could see Sirius' jaw drop. Dumbledore's words had come as a shock after such a harsh beginning. Remus hadn't expected it either, and this meeting had brought a number of surprises; first, that it was about something Remus hadn't expected at all, and then that Sirius had asked James to join the Order as well, and finally that Dumbledore seemed to be in support of Sirius' break of secrecy.

Dumbledore was smiling at them. "Professor Black is right. We do need good wizards with us," he said. He stood from his chair and walked over to the window, looking out over the Hogwarts grounds. "However, I've afraid I'm going to have to postpone your initiation into the Order until after you graduate. We only accept members who are of age and are not students."

"I'll do anything I can to help," Remus said, starting to feel more sure of himself again.

"Right now, you can study diligently for your NEWTs and keep the existence of the Order a secret. When you graduate you may be initiated into the Order if you still wish it, or, if you've changed your mind, you may go your own way as well. The Order doesn't ask for lifelong allegiance like Voldemort does. We ask only for any time you're willing to give. I had selected a few seventh year students who I had intended to ask to join the Order, and you two were among that list. Professor Black, you may tell Mr. Pettigrew of the Order as well. I had also intended to invite him to join, and I dare say that these three boys are quite good at secret keeping so I see no harm in extending the invitation early."

Sirius was still flabbergasted. He had clearly expected this meeting with Dumbledore to turn out much worse (just as Remus had), but now not only was Dumbledore agreeing with Sirius' decision, but he was encouraging Sirius to tell another student as well. Dumbledore turned to him with a kind expression.

"You see, Sirius? Being part of the Order isn't all about fighting on the front lines. Even from inside the castle walls you're helping to recruit and train good wizards."

Dumbledore crossed the room and returned to his seat behind his desk. He turned to Remus and James. "That's everything I wished to discuss. Thank you for your time, gentlemen."

Dismissed, Remus and James stood and left the office. Remus cast one quick look back at Sirius and saw that he still looked amazed, like he couldn't believe what has just happened. Remus could hardly believe it either. He felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders as he and James stepped onto the revolving staircase. "What a relief!" he said. "I wasn't expecting the meeting to be about that."

James looked at him curiously. "Really? What did you think it would be about?"

"Uhm..." Remus stuttered, trying to think of a quick way to explain that slip.

"Do you and Sirius have some other dark secret that Dumbledore should know? Maybe your furry little problem has become his furry little problem as well?" James suggested, nudging Remus with his elbow.

Remus grinned. "Yes, Valentine has become _quite_ the handful."


	15. Chapter 15

They had been sitting out in the main room, but had moved up to Sirius' bedroom once Remus could no longer stand the feeling of the moonlight that poured in through the large window. It was the night before the full moon and the sight and feel of the moon at this time made Remus' skin crawl. Sirius had drawn the bedroom blinds closed and then curled up behind Remus on the bed, one arm wrapped across Remus' chest to hold him close.

"Is it always this bad for you?" Sirius asked quietly. His lips gently pressed against the back of Remus' neck, soothing more than sensual.

Remus had never talked about this before, about how the wolf affected him. He always tried to stay away from other during this period of the moon's cycle because of how strong the wolf's presence felt inside of him. But since the very beginning, Sirius always had a way of breaking down his walls and getting closer than Remus ever expected anyone could come.

"I can feel it," Remus said, "I can feel the wolf just under my skin, waiting to strike. It's always there, but it's the night before the full moon when it's the worst. The wolf knows it will be free soon. It takes everything I've got to keep it in control. And I _need_ to stay in control. Because I know what will happen if I don't - if the wolf breaks free now and gets that first taste of freedom, it will know I'm weak, and it will be even more violent during the full moon."

It was difficult, almost painful, to make himself say the words and show so much of what he tried to hide. But still, it wasn't the full truth. "I always think of it as 'the wolf', like it's something separate from myself, but it's not. _I'm_ the wolf. It's me."

"It's not," Sirius said. He shifted his arms so that he could lay his hand over Remus' heart. "That's not your true self, not your true heart. The wolf is something that you have no choice but to bear, but that's not who you are."

Sirius moved his arm that was wrapped across Remus' chest so that he could knead the tense muscles in Remus' shoulder. Remus closed his eyes.

"It's hard. It's always hard. Even when the moon isn't near full, I can feel the wolf, whenever I get angry. Last month when I fought with James, I was practically snarlin-" Remus broke off abruptly. Just the memory of this made Remus angry at himself, and he could feel the sharp prickle of the wolf's rage below his skin. His muscles tensed and Sirius increased the pressure he was applying to Remus' shoulder.

"It's never going to be easy for you," Sirius said. He pressed another kiss against the back of Remus' neck. "But I don't think anyone ever told you it would be. You already know that you can gain some control over it, and if that means staying out of the moonlight or sitting in a hot bath, then do it. Whatever it takes to make the transformations more bearable for you. And I'll do what I can to help you, as well."

The hand that was kneading Remus' shoulder moved to his front and began undoing the buttons of his shirt.

"I'm _really_ not in the mood for that right now," Remus said flatly.

"A _massage,_ " Sirius insisted, "It will help you relax."

Remus couldn't say no to that. His body was tense with nerves and just the feeling of Sirius' hand kneading his shoulder was enough to leave him wanting more. Sirius finished unbuttoning Remus' shirt and removed it, then turned Remus onto his stomach. One more gentle kiss was brushed over the back of Remus' neck before Sirius' hands were on him.

Remus lay with his head to the side as Sirius' strong hands smoothed up his back and over neck, then splayed out over his shoulders. He could feel his skin warming to Sirius' touch. Sirius' hands were always so warm and they felt fantastic as they continued to rub over the tense muscles in Remus' back. Remus closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh.

"It's good?" Sirius asked knowingly.

Remus just hummed in response. Sirius was rubbing tiny circles on either side of Remus' spine with his thumbs and Remus couldn't be bothered to try to think about anything else right now. He could already feel the tension seeping away from his body. The warmth of Sirius hands grounded him, like they were holding him to his human self. Between the constant touch of hands and the scent of Sirius in the bed, Remus felt completely surrounded by Sirius' presence.

"I should get you to do this more often," Remus sighed. This was even better than the prefects' bath. The feeling of warm hands smoothing up and down his back with the perfect amount of pressure was wonderful for relieving the pre-moon pain.

Sirius' hands were focused on Remus' shoulders now, working out the tension and knots there. "Whatever it takes," Sirius said, and Remus took this as an offer. He smiled to himself; it was easy to completely lose himself in this. Like this, Remus could forget about everything else, even the full moon. Sirius' hands never left his skin. He sighed deeply. Yes, like this, it was so easy to close his eyes and gently drift off to sleep.

***

Remus dreamed of a large black dog. He followed it over the hills that surrounded the castle and into the Forbidden Forest, leaving the dark, stormy sky behind for the high tree canopies in the forest. The dog wasn't leading them along a path; it weaved between trees and bushes, over rocks and around ponds, deeper and deeper into the forest. Remus had to hurry and even run at times to keep up with it, but the dog never moved so fast that Remus lost sight of it.

He wasn't sure how long they walked. They were so deep into the forest that there was almost no light now. The trees were twisted and snarled, old as the forest itself, and there were strange sounds that Remus couldn't identify. It was getting harder to see the dog and Remus had to run to keep up with it.

All at once the ground gave way beneath his feet and Remus tumbled down a hill. When he reached the bottom, the dog was gone. Remus slowly got to his feet, trying to brush the dirt and leaves from his trousers. He looked around at the tall, crooked trees that seemed to be closing in around him. His chest felt tight. He had no idea where he was, and no idea on how to get out of the forest.

Something brushed against his leg and Remus jumped, but when he looked down, it was the dog looking back at him. Remus smiled, relieved that it had returned. Again the dog started leading him through the forest, though it stayed closer this time. Remus could reach out and run his hand through the warm fur of the dog's back.

Remus could tell that they were nearing the edge of the forest as the tree-cover became lighter and the darkness started seeping away. Finally they emerged from the trees, and Remus immediately recognized where they were. An old house stood in the middle of the clearing; it was Remus' house, the house he lived in with his family.

The sky was grey above, but it was a softer grey, almost warm, and Remus felt calmed by it. He knew the way now, but he followed the dog all the same. Together they walked over the clearing and to the house. The door was unlocked and Remus climbed the stairs to his bedroom. The room looked the same as ever and Remus wanted nothing more than to curl up his bed. He pulled back the cotton quilt and tucked himself underneath.

The dog was still there, sitting beside the bed, and Remus reached out to run his hand over the dog's head. The dog jumped up on top of the bed and curled up beside Remus. Remus closed his eyes. It was so comfortable here and Remus immediately felt calmed and relaxed. He reached out to lay his hand on the dog's head again, and then he closed his eyes and peacefully drifted off to sleep.

He barely noticed himself drifting into the waking world again. It was the brush of silk blankets on his cheek that startled him and it took him a moment to realize that he was awake and not his own bed at home nor at Hogwarts. Immediately he bolted upright into a sitting position as he realized where he was.

Remus' stomach twisted as he saw the gleam of Sirius' emerald bed curtains in the dim light of the room. Sirius was asleep beside him and Remus took just a moment to think about how sweet Sirius looked with the soft expression of sleep before he resumed his panic. He shoved the blankets aside (Sirius must have moved him underneath the covers, oh, _why_ didn't he wake up?) and crawled out of bed to find the rest of his clothes.

This was _just_ what he needed for his nerves just before the full moon, to spend the whole night away from his dormitory. It was still dark outside, but the long winter nights meant that the sun didn't rise until late in the morning. A quick glance at his watch told him it was sixty thirty in the morning and Remus felt sick - he really _had_ spent the whole night away from his dormitory.

He scrambled to get dressed and hoped that James and Peter hadn't noticed his absence. After finding his shirt and belt, he sat down on the edge of the bed to pull on his shoes.

"What time is it?" came a sleepy voice from Sirius.

"It's six thirty. Why didn't you wake me up?" Remus snapped, not even trying to keep the anger out of his voice.

It was a moment before Sirius responded. "You looked so comfortable. I didn't want to wake you up when you looked so relaxed," he said.

Remus huffed in response. "We're going to be in so much trouble if someone finds out I was here. What if James and Peter say someth-"

"They won't."

Remus had finished tying his shoes and he sat back on the bed. He turned to look at Sirius, who still hadn't moved from under the blankets.

"Sirius, you should have woke me up," he said. The anger was still in his voice and it was clear that Sirius caught it. A strange look passed over Sirius' face, a cross between his usual surly expression and clear hurt. He turned over in bed, away from Remus.

"Forgive me for wanting to have you to myself for the night," Sirius said blankly.

Remus sighed. "Don't play all sorry for yourself. You _know_ you should have. We'd better hope that no one has noticed that I've been missing all night."

Sirius said nothing in response. It would almost seem like he had gone back to sleep if not for the clear grumpiness. Only Sirius could fill a room with a sulk.

Remus didn't bother trying to comfort him; if Sirius wanted to sulk about this, he could. At a time like this, Remus didn't have the patience to babysit. He just needed get back to his dormitory and hope that that he wouldn't be caught.

With one last glance back at the still-silent Sirius, Remus left the room. He grabbed his outer robe and the invisibility cloak from the sitting room before stepping into the hallway. It didn't seem like any of the teachers were around, but Remus kept the invisibility cloak on long after he left the staff wing. He didn't want to run into anyone on the way back.

The Gryffindor common-room was empty and Remus finally dared to take off the invisibility cloak as he climbed the staircase to his dormitory. The dormitory was quiet and the curtains were drawn around both James' and Peter' beds. They likely wouldn't be awake for another hour or so. Remus let out a small sigh of relief. As long as they didn't notice his early morning return, they wouldn't notice that he had been gone all night. He dropped the invisibility cloak back into James' trunk, and now all he had to do was crawl into bed and roll out in another hour acting like he'd just woken up.

Remus pulled back the curtains to his bed and screamed in a none-too-manly way as he came face to face with James and Peter sitting on his bed, wide awake and staring up at him with admonishing looks.

"Remus Lupin, where have you been?" James demanded, sounding very much like a disapproving parent who had just caught a child breaking curfew.

"Studying," Remus responded quickly, "I fell asleep in the library."

"Oh _really?_ " Peter asked, raising an eyebrow. "Must have been quite difficult studying without any textbooks." He nodded towards Remus' schoolbag, which was still sitting beside the bedside cabinet.

Remus could only stare back at James and Peter with his mouth gaping open. They were still wearing very serious expressions. Remus had no idea of how he could talk his way out of this one.

Peter snickered.

Then they both burst out laughing.

"We were waiting to finally catch you like this! We put a detector on the portrait hole so we would know when you _finally_ came in. But how did you do it, you sly dog?" James asked, sounding impressed.

"Do what?" Remus asked. He was still so nervous that he felt like he might be sick.

"Get into the girls' dormitories! It always chucks me right back out!"

Remus gulped. "I... uhh..."

"C'mon, tell us you secret! You shouldn't be the only one who gets to spend nights with your girlfriend!"

And suddenly, Remus found a very easy way to explain his absence.

"It's not a girl," he said.

"Don't lie to us, we know you've been off all night with someone! You _do_ look quite well rested, though, I hope you two didn't get to sleep _too_ early."

"It's not a girl," Remus repeated, "It's a boy."

James' and Peter's laughter stopped as they stared at Remus. Suddenly Remus wondered if that excuse had been such a good idea.

"You have a _boyfriend?_ That's where you spent your night?"

Remus nodded weakly. The looks on his friends' faces made him regret what he had just said. There were near identical looks of disbelieving shock on both their faces as they silently stared at him.

But finally James laughed again. "Can't say I was expecting that one from you. But each to his own, I guess?" He sighed. "And here I thought you had finally figured out a way to get around those pesky staircases. Still full of surprises, though."

Remus grinned back, feeling deeply relieved. "More than you could imagine," he said.

***

Professor Flitwick accompanied Remus on the full moon for patrol duties. Remus was glad that it hadn't been Sirius to accompany him, though he was still horrified that Flitwick had been so close while Remus had been transformed. Flitwick must have heard all the horrible sounds from within the Shack, and it was called the _Shrieking_ Shack for a reason. Flitwick had seen him in the morning, too, ripped and torn before Madam Pomfrey could tend his wounds. Remus couldn't bear to look at Flitwick for the next week, knowing what he had seen and what he must have thought.

But if Remus were to push this from his mind, he was quite happy with the way things were going. Sirius had quickly gotten over the morning sulk that he had after Remus scolded him about letting Remus sleep through the night, and though James and Peter were a bit awkward around Remus for a few days, things soon settled back to normal. And, as they days passed into March, Remus had something he could really look forward to: his own birthday.

James and Peter threw a party for him every year, and this year Remus was relieved that March the tenth would fall on a Friday – this meant that he would have all of Saturday to recover from the hangover that was sure to follow any party that James was part of.

Usually it was just the three of them who participated in their birthday celebrations, though this year James and Peter had demanded that Remus bring his recently-discovered boyfriend to the party. Remus refused. James and Peter protested this, but Remus just had to cite some past examples of the way their group had always acted around Peter's girlfriends to make them realize that there were some definite reasons for why Remus might not like to bring this mysterious boy around.

Despite that Remus had refused to invite Sirius to his birthday party, he still very much wanted to spend his birthday with Sirius, so they arranged to have their own celebration the night before. Remus received a note in the morning that simply said " _Dress warm_ ", and Remus was instantly smiling to himself. So they would be going out on the bike tonight.

They had gone flying on the bike quite often over the past few months and Remus was coming to like it just as much as Sirius did. There was no feeling quite like the feeling of flying through the night sky on the bike. Remus could look up at the stars, or just press his face against Sirius' back and inhale the intoxicating scent of Sirius and leather. It was exactly what Remus wanted to be doing on his birthday.

Remus was lost in a daydream throughout all his classes, and when Ancient Runes finally ended, the last class of the day, Remus couldn't keep the smile off his face. He packed up his books as quickly as possible and was one of the first students to leave the classroom.

"Hey Remus!" a voice called. Remus stopped in the hallway and saw Lily hurrying over to him. He stood and waited for her to catch up.

"It's your birthday tomorrow, isn't it?" Lily asked as she reached his side. They set of down the corridor together.

"That's right!" Remus said. Likely it had been James who clued her off, but maybe she had remembered the date from the years ago when they had been friends.

"I hope that James doesn't try to force _too_ much alcohol on you," Lily said disapprovingly, though there was fondness in her voice.

"Well, you know what James is like," Remus laughed. He had no doubt that the party would go exactly as Lily hoped it wouldn't.

"I suppose I do," Lily said, shaking her head good-humouredly. "Say, Remus, do you remember that we were close friends in fourth year?"

Remus turned to find Lily looking up at him kindly. "Yes, I remember," he said.

"But then a certain big-headed toe-rag came along and started relentlessly pursuing me."

"Isn't that 'big-headed toe-rag' now your boyfriend?" Remus asked, amused. Lily smiled.

"Yes, he is. And he's a good friend of yours - I always figured that's why we drifted apart after fourth year, wasn't it? You were worried that James would be jealous that we were spending so much time together?"

"No," Remus answered. James could sometimes be demanding, but he would never tell Remus or Peter who they could or could not spend time with.

"Then why was it?"

"It was, uh..." Remus trailed off. He couldn't say the real reason: that, as they grew closer, Remus became too worried that Lily would notice how Remus' absences fit in with what Snape had been hinting about him for years. It was too painful to imagine Lily's disgusted face once she found out the truth about Remus, so Remus had pulled away from her. "We just drifted apart, didn't we?"

"Well, how about we be friends again?"

Remus studied her face. Lily had been spending more time with their group lately, and though they hadn't quiet reformed their friendship yet, Remus had never stopped thinking fondly of her.

"Of course," he said, smiling at her. Anyone would be happy to have Lily as a friend. It did make Remus anxious; with Lily around, he would have to be even more careful about his secrets. But he was touched that, after all these years, Lily still cared about him and wanted to be friends.

***

It was a crisp, clear night and the only piece of the moon than could be seen in the sky was a thin, crescent-shaped line. Dressed in his warm wool robes and with the invisibility cloak tucked under his arm, Remus stepped out of the castle and into the cool night air. Sirius had arranged to meet him at the shed behind Hagrid's house where the motorbike was kept and Remus set off over the dark hills with a grin on his face.

The door to the shed was open and Sirius was wheeling the bike out when Remus arrived. Sirius' leather jacket lay over the seat of the bike and two pairs of goggles hung from the handlebars.

"Happy birthday," Sirius said, putting the bike's kickstand down and pulling Remus in for a passionate kiss. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and smiled, and Sirius was smiling too when he pulled back. "I've been waiting all day to do that," he said.

"I've been waiting all day for _this,_ " Remus said. He reached behind Sirius to run his hand over the bike.

Sirius laughed. "Oi! What were you more excited about, me or the bike?"

"I can't say, I wouldn't want to make either one of you jealous," Remus said teasingly, earning a little shove on the shoulder from Sirius. "But when you're wearing your leather jacket, the choice is a little easier."

"Then I guess I'll have to rely on my charms to draw you in tonight." Sirius picked up the jacket from where it lay over the bike seat and handed it to Remus. "Here, put it on."

"I get to wear the jacket?" Remus asked, disbelieving but not unwilling as he accepted the heavy jacket. He had always admired this jacket, and though it would almost certainly look better on Sirius than it would on Remus, Remus would be happy to borrow it for the night.

"It's yours. Happy birthday."

Sirius was smiling charmingly, but Remus frowned when he realized what Sirius was implying.

"I'm not going to keep it," Remus protested. He held out the jacket to return it to Sirius, but Sirius didn't take it.

"I want you to have it," Sirius said earnestly.

"Sirius, it's too much," Remus insisted, still holding out the jacket for Sirius to take back. Not only had a leather jacket like this likely been expensive, but it was also clearly an important item to Sirius. Remus didn't want to take it from him.

"Happy birthday," Sirius said again. He was still smiling the same handsome, earnest smile. "I wanted to give you a really special present, something that was just perfect for you, but I can't exactly leave to go find something like that. So instead I want to give you something that's really special to me."

Finally Remus sighed. When Sirius was set on an idea, it was near impossible to sway him.

"I'll hang on to it for a bit, but I'm not going to keep it," Remus said.

Sirius leaned in for a quick kiss to the side of Remus' mouth. "Put it on."

Remus shrugged off his own wool robes and hung them on the door of the shed, then pulled on the leather jacket. He could feel that the jacket didn't fit quite right - it was a too big in the shoulders - but the heavy weight of the jacket was nice and Remus could smell the lingering scent of Sirius' skin mixed with the leather.

It was too much of a gift. There was no way Remus could ever keep something like this, something that was so important to Sirius. He would give it back eventually, but he had made up his mind to enjoy it for now.

Together they walked towards the forest clearing with the bike in tow. Sirius set the kickstand when they reached the edge of the takeoff strip and they pulled on the goggles in preparation for the ride.

"Get on," Sirius said. Remus looked at him expectantly, waiting for Sirius to climb on behind the handlebars so that Remus could get on behind him.

"Well hurry up then!" Remus said when Sirius showed no signs of moving.

A huge grin spread across Sirius' face. "You're driving tonight," he said.

"What?" Remus had heard the words clearly, but he honestly couldn't believe what he had heard.

"Don't you want to?" Sirius asked. It was clear that he already knew what Remus' answer would be.

"I'll crash it," Remus protested weakly, though there was no real objection. A rush of adrenalin had coursed through Remus' body at just the thought of being in control of such a powerful machine.

Sirius laughed. "What are you going to hit, an aeroplane? Get on!"

Remus tentatively took hold of the handlebars and swung his leg over the bike, and Sirius climbed on behind him. Remus was anxious in the best way possible. His palms felt itchy with want to rev the engine. Sirius quickly explained the controls, and when Sirius finally wrapped his arms around Remus' waist and settled against his back, Remus' heart skipped a beat. This was it.

His fingers were shaking with excitement as he turned the key and the engine roared to life. He kicked back the kickstand, kicked the bike into gear, and they were off.

His heart leapt at the first sensation of the tires leaving the ground. He had experience takeoff on the bike many times before, but it was so different being the one who was actually in control. The entire bike vibrated with its roar and the sound filled the night air as they rose higher and higher into the air.

Remus usually spent his time staring up at the stars above while they were flying on the bike, but now he couldn't take himself away from the thrill of driving something so powerful and dangerous. The bike responded so perfectly to his steering that it was almost like it was reading his mind. The wind was stronger when Remus was the one in front, but he hardly noticed the cold. Between the leather jacket and the power at his fingertips, Remus felt invincible.

They couldn't leave the boundaries of the Hogwarts grounds, but Remus was determined to get to know every piece of the sky around the castle. He circled around the perimeter of the grounds and then soared over the forest, looping over the black tree canopies. He pulled back the handlebars so that the bike climbed up above the highest towers of the castle and then dipped down sharply so they were just above the Black Lake, so close that the shine of the bike's tail lights was reflected on the still waters of the lake.

Remus would have happily spent the entire night up in the air, but Sirius' warm body pressed against him reminded him that there were some other ways that he'd like to celebrate his birthday. He guided the bike back to the forest clearing and touched down on the ground, coming to a stop at the end of the takeoff strip. He had to force himself to turn off the engine, and when silence finally filled the air again, Remus felt like he had lost something dear to him.

Sirius leaned over Remus' shoulders. "So how'd you like it?"

"Brilliant," was the only word that Remus could think of to describe it.

It took some cajoling to finally get Remus to let of go of the handlebars, but Sirius promised that there was more to the evening. Sirius had spelled the ground dry and cast a warming charm around a patch of ground in the clearing and the two of them lay back together to look at the stars.

"Do you see it? Right there," Sirius said. He was pointing to the star Sirius, though he didn't need to point it out to Remus; Remus' eyes had easily found the brightest star in the sky.

"Always a show off, aren't you? Always have to be the brightest," Remus said teasingly. "Though I suppose that's not such a bad thing. The star Sirius was even used for navigation in ancient times."

Sirius snorted. "I can't say I'd recommend following _this_ Sirius. You don't know where you'll end up."

"I'll take my chances," Remus said. He trusted Sirius and would surely follow him anywhere, no matter if it was towards a future in the Order or to a clearing in the Forbidden Forest. Remus knew that there were all kinds of dangerous things in the forest and he really should have been more worried about being in the open like this, but he felt safe here with Sirius.

Sirius had sat up and was grinning down at Remus. "I've got another present for you."

Remus propped himself up on his elbows. "Oh?" he prompted curiously. He had already been allowed to drive the motorbike and borrow Sirius' leather jacket. He couldn't imagine what else he would be given.

" _Accio_ cake!" Sirius said with a wave of his wand.

Suddenly Remus was a lot less excited to be getting another present.

"Cake?" he asked hesitantly, remembering the last cake Sirius had made. Remus' hadn't even tasted it, but Sirius' disgusted face had made it clear that the cake was completely inedible. "I hope you didn- did you make it?"

"I did!" Sirius said proudly. A box came zooming through the trees and Sirius caught it in the air. He opened it to display a lopsided chocolate cake.

"Hagrid has been giving me cooking tips," Sirius announced as an explanation of the cake. This bit of information did nothing to quell Remus' doubts. His teeth ached at the mere memory of Hagrid's rock cakes.

But Sirius had conjured a knife and was happily cutting the cake. He conjured a plate and fork, and served Remus a large piece of cake with a big smile on his face.

Hesitantly, Remus took the cake. It looked okay, at least; nothing was burnt, or runny, or somehow both of those things at once. Remus slowly took a piece of cake with the fork and raised it to his mouth. Sirius watched him with eager eyes as he chewed.

Remus contemplated the cake for a moment before he formulated a reply.

"It's good," he said honestly.

Sirius' face was instantly beaming. Remus noticed that there was a hint of surprise in his eyes as well, like Sirius was shocked that he had really created something edible.

"I've been working so hard on it," Sirius said, "I've been practicing for a month now!"

The cake really was good: soft and moist with rich, creaming icing smothered over it. It was a far cry from the abomination that Sirius had created on their first date. Remus was truly impressed at how much Sirius' cooking had improved. This cake didn't prove that Sirius had learned to cook anything else, but it was a testament that Sirius was willing to overcome impossible-seeming obstacles to make Remus happy.

"Thank you," Remus said simply.

"All for the birthday boy." Sirius flashed a handsome smile at Remus.

"Really, Sirius. Thank you," Remus said again. He set down the plate and cupped Sirius' face with his hands so he could look into Sirius' warm grey eyes, so full of love. Maybe this was a better feeling than flying the bike, this flutter in chest. Remus hadn't needed the bike ride, or the jacket, or even the cake to make this a good birthday. He had everything he wanted right here. "Thank you for everything."

"I love you," Sirius said, and Remus kissed him.

***

It was several hours later, well after midnight and now officially Remus' birthday, when Sirius walked Remus back to Gryffindor Tower. Remus was still wearing Sirius' leather jacket, despite that it was too warm to be wearing it inside. It had been a wonderful evening, and this was already the best birthday that Remus had ever had.

Last time had been a mistake, but Remus couldn't help but think of how nice it would be if they were going back to Sirius' room to spend the night together again. James and Peter didn't expect Remus to be back in the dormitory now, but his paranoia always got the best of him. He had gotten lucky that the corridors had been empty when he had left the staff wing that morning, but it would be too easy for someone to catch him.

A noise from around the corner the corner startled Remus back to the present.

"What's that, my pretty?" came Filch's voice, "Do you smell some nasty students out of bed?"

Remus froze. His fingers swiftly closed over the invisibility cloak, ready to throw it over himself, before he remembered that he was with a teacher, and thus Filch couldn't punish him for wandering the castle after lights-out.

" _Dissendium,_ " Sirius said quickly. The statue of Gunhilda of Gorsemoor beside them shifted and the hump on the witch's back lifted up. Sirius quickly pushed Remus in and followed a second later. When the hump closed again, they were in complete darkness. Filch's footsteps could be heard overhead as he passed by in the corridor.

"A secret passageway?" Remus asked, running his hand over the wall and feeling the cold stone. The castle was so full of secret passageways and hidden rooms that Remus didn't think that anyone could ever know the whole thing.

"Quite a handy one," Sirius answered.

"You know you don't have to hide from Filch anymore," Remus said. He was amused by how quickly Sirius had ushered them into the passageway, much like Sirius must have done when he was still a student. "You're a teacher now, you're allowed to be out in the castle whenever you like."

"Maybe I wasn't hiding," Sirius said. His voice had taken on a mischievous tone. "Maybe I was just looking for a way to get you into a dark passageway for a snog."

Remus felt Sirius' lips brush against the side of his nose - a poorly aimed kiss due to the darkness - but Sirius' lips quickly moved down to Remus' own. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and pulled him close, navigating completely by touch in the darkness. He parted his lips and let out a quiet moan as Sirius' tongue slipped between.

The feeling of Sirius' fingertips brushing over the back of Remus' neck sent a shiver down his spine. The warm fingers continued to rub there, stroking the skin just above the collar of the leather jacket and matching the movements of Sirius' tongue. Remus pulled Sirius closer so that their bodies were pressed completely together.

Suddenly Remus was jolted to the side as something crashed into them in the darkness. Remus screamed, Sirius gasped, and there was a shout of surprise from a very familiar voice.

" _James?_ " Remus asked disbelievingly.

"Remus?" James asked in response. A sweaty hand began groping at Remus' face, and Remus swatted it away.

Sirius laughed. "I see you're making good use of this passageway."

" _Great_ use," James replied, a mischievous smile evident in his voice.

"What in the world are you doing down here?" Remus asked. It was dark and Remus knew there was no way James could have seen what he and Sirius were doing, but it must have seemed quite strange to find the two of them down here, especially when Remus had said that he was leaving for a date earlier this evening.

"Sirius told me that this passageway leads right to Hogsmeade. I was getting a little _something_ for your birthday!"

There was the sound of glass bottles clinking together and Remus didn't have to see them to guess that they were dangerously alcoholic. And James had clearly been sampling the wares at the Three Broomsticks as well; Remus could smell the alcohol on James' breath and James' voice was slightly slurred.

Remus sighed, shaking his head. "You and the alcohol..."

"You won't be such a spoil-sport when you find out what I came back with!" James announced. He blindly pushed a bottle into Remus' hand.

From the shape of the bottle, Remus could tell that it was his favourite brand of spiced rum. Despite his earlier disapproval of James' antics, Remus felt a smile spread across his face. James always remembered little details like this.

"Not such a party pooper now, are you?" James teased.

Luckily James' inebriated state made it so that he didn't seem to notice anything odd about catching Remus and Sirius together in a dark passageway. They climbed out of the passageway through the statue, and James also didn't seem to notice that Remus was wearing Sirius' leather jacket. As terrible as the hangover were, sometimes Remus was thankful for James' fondness for celebratory drinking.

Sirius offered to accompany them back to Gryffindor Tower so that they'd be safe from detention if they were caught, but James insisted that two expert troublemakers didn't need an escort. James didn't even try to keep quiet in the corridor. Instead, he sang an off-key and punk-influenced version of 'Happy Birthday'. It was accompanied by dance moves that somewhat resembled a mime of playing a Muggle guitar (though it was quite a loose resemblance)

Remus couldn't keep the smile off his face. He really did have the best friends in the world and he couldn't be happier right now. James and Peter were more accepting than Remus had ever hoped for; first they had accepted him for being a werewolf, and now for being with a bloke. And speaking of that bloke, Remus now had Sirius as well. Life wasn't perfect, but right now, it was pretty great. The future was dark ahead, and Remus would soon be joining the battle against Voldemort, but with his friends at his side, he knew he could get through anything.

James tripped through the portrait hole (thankfully no one was awake at this hour to witness their less than stealthy entrance into the common-room) and they tip-toed up to the dormitory. Remus took off the leather jacket and laid it in his trunk, and he was about to start getting ready for bed when there was a shout of surprise from the other side of the room.

"Pete, wake up, the party time has changed!" James said from somewhere near the vicinity of Peter's bed.

"Wha?" came Peter's groggy voice.

"Wake up, we're having Remus' birthday party now!" There was a rustle of bedclothes that sounded like James was forcibly shaking Peter awake.

"James, it's nearly two in the morning!" Remus laughed.

"One little night cap! Get over here, birthday boy!" James motioned for Remus to come over to Peter's bed, and Remus obliged. Despite how stupid Remus knew this idea was, he was smiling. Could anyone say no to James?

"Should I get the present?" Peter asked, obviously still groggy as he flopped halfway over the edge of the bed.

"You didn't have to get me a-"

With some struggle, Peter pulled something out from under his bed. Remus stared in awe at a piece of chocolate that was as big as his own head.

"Happy birthda - _oi,_ watch it!" Peter cried. James was attempting to pour the spiced rum into floating shot glasses that he had conjured in the air and he had managed to spill the rum in Peter's bed as well.

James took one of the floating glasses from the air and held it up in a toast.

"To Remus! Many happy returns!" he cried. Peter took one of the glasses as well and turned to Remus expectantly.

"Wait!" Remus took the last remaining glass from the air and held it up to propose a new toast.

"To great friends," he said happily.


	16. Chapter 16

It was clear as soon as he opened the door that Sirius was in a bad mood. Sirius made no secret of the fact that he was unhappy about being stuck in the castle, but every now and then something would happen to set him off into one of these angry, self-pitying moods. Remus was used to these sulking acts by now, and he wasn't surprised by the faint smell of Firewhiskey on Sirius' breath that seemed to accompany them.

"Well? What is it?" Remus asked after he had settled down on the couch. Sirius hadn't said a word and had only crossed the room to the liquor cabinet to pour himself a fresh tumbler of Firewhiskey.

"I saw it today," Sirius replied grimly over the edge of his glass. "I saw the Dark Mark."

Remus raised his eyebrows at this. "Did you leave the castle?" he asked slowly. Sirius often stepped out of line, but if he had disobeyed Dumbledore and left the castle then the consequences might be dire. Sirius might even get kicked out of the Order for this.

But Sirius shook his head. "No, I saw it on a student."

"A student had the Dark Mark?"

Sirius nodded. "That greasy Slytherin boy, Snape, or something like that. He had detention and he was scrubbing desks in the Defence classroom. He had his sleeves pushed back and I saw the Mark."

Remus didn't know what to say to this. Snape was a Death Eater? It wasn't a complete shock, as it was something that had been expected of Snape and the crowd he hung around with, but it was still unsettling to learn that it was actually true.

"Are you surprised?" Sirius asked wryly. "Don't you remember me saying that Voldemort had an advantage over us because he starts his followers so young?"

"A student..." Remus said again. Someone his own age had made the conscious decision to join Voldemort's forces. It was one thing to want to stand up for the good in the world, but to ally yourself with someone whose purpose was to terrorize and kill innocent people was something else entirely. "Can you turn him in to the Ministry for arrest?"

"The Ministry won't arrest him unless he's caught participating in Death Eater activity. That Mark alone should be enough to show what he's willing to do, but the Ministry won't do anything about it," Sirius grumbled. "I know _I_ should do something about it - not kill him, certainly, a kid like that isn't powerful enough to do any real damage for Voldemort. Attack him and scare him off, maybe, or at least question him for information. But I can't do anything while I'm stuck in this stupid teaching position."

Sirius had a dark, far-away look on his face. His hand was steadily tightening around his glass.

" _Sirius_."

"Hm?"

" _Be careful._ "

Sirius frowned at Remus. "I'm not going to do anything stupid. I can't exactly run out with Order, being banned from leaving the castle and all."

"What I mean is, don't let your guard down. If Death Eaters were already after you, then they'd have an easy way to you now that they have people inside the castle," Remus said.

Sirius snorted. "There's no way a kid like that could do anything to me."

"A _kid?_ That _kid_ is the same age as me. If he's too young to be able to do anything for Voldemort, then I suppose that I'm too young to do anything for the Order," Remus protested, shocked that Sirius could try to dismiss this threat so easily.

Sirius' face twisted as he realized the logical error he had made. "No, but…"

"But what? I mean it, you need to be careful. Snape is dangerous, and I'm sure he's not the only Death Eater in the castle." Remus sighed as Sirius made to down the rest of his Firewhiskey, and he grabbed Sirius' arm to stop him. "And would you take it easy with that? There's nothing you can do about any of this right now, and drinking yourself into a stupor isn't going to help anything."

Remus immediately knew he had said the wrong thing. Sirius' temper was like a firecracker and he clunked down the half-empty glass onto the table and jumped up to pace across the room.

"It's not fair!" he growled. "I'm a grown man, and yet I'm trapped in this castle and told I can't do anything, I can't talk to the Order or go on missions, I can't do anything about _known_ Death Eaters, and now I'm being told I can't even drink. It's like I'm being treated like a little kid!"

"Sirius, I didn't mean it that way," Remus insisted.

"Then how did you mean it?" Sirius demanded, turning to Remus crossly.

Remus felt something that was halfway between pity and annoyance when Sirius got into moods like this. He understood that Sirius was miserable in the castle, anyone would be, but it was the same row again and again. "I just meant that since there's nothing that can be done about it right now, there's no point in making yourself so upset. There are things I'm unhappy about, but losing my temper isn't going to change anything. There's only three months of this left and then you can get back to the Order."

Sirius sighed heavily as he sunk back down on the couch beside Remus. He reached for his tumbler of Firewhiskey again, though he didn't drink any, just stared at the amber liquid sombrely. The sparkling reflection of the firelight on the glass was a stark contrast to the dullness in Sirius' eyes.

"It's not fair," was all Sirius said.

***

The fact that Easter holidays were coming up only put Sirius in a worse mood. Most of the school would be leaving for the holidays while Sirius was still stuck in the castle. Just like Christmas holidays, Sirius none-too-subtly hinted that Remus should stay at the school instead of going home to see his family, but Remus wouldn't agree to this. They had argued about it and it had left Sirius in a foul mood that would likely lead him into the Firewhiskey again, but Remus still wouldn't change his resolve. It wasn't that Remus didn't want to be with Sirius, it was just that he wanted to go home and see his parents again.

Along with this, going home for the holidays also saved Remus from the issue of which Order member would accompany him on his transformation. The full moon fell on the same Friday that the Easter holidays started on, so Remus would be undergoing his transformation at home. Sirius still wouldn't back down from his determination that he should be the one to accompany Remus on the full moons, so undergoing the transformation at home allowed Remus to avoid another month of arguing about the patrol.

Most of the students would be leaving Friday evening after classes, but Remus was allowed to leave in the morning to allow him enough time to get home and see his family before his transformation. McGonagall accompanied him to just outside the castle gates so that he could Apparate to his home.

His family had moved back to the Lupin cottage after it was discovered that they hadn't been the target of the New Year's Eve attack and that there was no immediate danger facing them. Remus' mother's family was meant to come visit the Lupin cottage for a few days, but based on what they remembered from New Year's Eve, it had been determined that it would be better if Remus' mother just went to go visit them on her own.

With his mother away and his father at work for most of the days, Remus was left in a quiet house for most of the holiday. He decided to use the time to start seriously revising for the upcoming NEWTs. Not that he needed many NEWTs anyway; the Order didn't care how many NEWTs he had, and outside of that the ' _werewolf_ ' stamp on Remus' CV would have a lot more sway than his NEWT scores. But Remus still liked to do well at academics, and the days were so long that he needed something to fill his time with.

He missed Sirius, and despite how much Remus had insisted on going home for the holidays, he was really starting to wish he had stayed at the castle. He half wondered if he would be allowed to go back to the school early. He wrote to Sirius at the beginning of the first week of holidays, but received no reply. He tried once more a few days later, wondering if the letter had gotten lost, but again there was no reply. This ended Remus' wish to go back sooner than he was meant to; if Sirius was still cross and wanted to sulk, then he could. He'd likely have mellowed out by the end of the break.

Remus checked the newspaper every day for news regarding Voldemort. There were a few articles: the body of a witch who had disappeared months ago had turned up and her death was believed to be related to Death Eater activities, and there was an attack on a Muggle-born family, though the Ministry Aurors had arrived in time to stop it. There was no news where there Order seemed to be involved, which was good. If they were taking any action at this time, it remained secret.

One evening at the beginning of the second week of holidays, James' owl, Völsi, arrived with a letter for Remus:

' _Dear Remus,_

_When you see me again on Platform 9 3/4, you may not recognize me because I'll have gained so much weight from eating all this delicious holiday food. Even as I write this I'm stuffing pastries into my mouth. Please excuse the crumbs._

_If you're not sitting down, you'd better do so now, because this next line is going to come as a bit of a shock. I've actually started revising for NEWTs. Breathe, Remus, breathe! I know what you must be thinking – 'Who is this boy writing to me? Surely someone has stolen James' identity and is doing an extremely poor job of trying to convince me that he's the real James!' Fear not! It's the real me. It just so happens that my lovely and beautiful girlfriend has powers beyond the imaginable and has convinced me of the importance of doing well on NEWTs so I can get into Auror training. That girl works wonders!_

_And speaking of Lily, I got to go visit her for four days last week. I never realized how hard Muggle life is! But her family are great and seem to like me, except for her sister. We can't even talk about magic when her sister's fat boyfriend is around. He doesn't have a neck, Remus. No neck at all. Just a fat head stuck on an equally fat body. I think it's clear which Evans sister has made the better catch!_

_I hope your holidays are going well, and that Friday was okay for you. By the way, have you heard from Sirius at all? I wrote him twice but he hasn't replied._

_Don't study too hard!_

_-James'_

Remus set down the letter on his desk. It had been amusing until the end. Sirius also hadn't been replying to James' letters. Sirius must be in such a mood about being stuck in the castle that he was even ignoring James. _Probably drowning his woes in Firewhiskey,_ Remus thought. It was tough to bear, but Sirius wouldn't likely stop this sulking until the end of the year.

It was then that Remus had the sharp realization that Defence professors rarely made it until the end of the year. Sometimes, they didn't even leave in one piece.

Sirius often stepped out of line and got in trouble, but what if something had actually happened to him? They now knew that there were Death Eaters in the castle, and with most of the students and staff gone, it would be easy for the Death Eaters to make an attack on Sirius. All along Remus had thought that Sirius hadn't replied because he had been sulking, but what if he had gotten himself killed?

Remus wrote to Sirius again, urgently asking for a response. His brain was conjuring up all kinds of terrible, gory images that were nearly making Remus sick with worry. He felt suffocated in his own bedroom, like the walls were closing in.

He needed to get some air. He grabbed Sirius' leather jacket and pulled it on before he hurried down the stairs and into the cool night breeze. It was still early in the evening, and though the days were getting longer, it was still completely dark at eight o'clock. Remus followed a familiar path into the forest. He had walked this path often, and he needed something that he could without thinking about it.

Remus' mind was still racing, turning over different reasons for why Sirius hadn't responded. Maybe Dumbledore had been intercepting Sirius' letters. It made sense; if Sirius had been restricted in his use of the Floo to communicate with Order members, then his letters were likely being screened too. Remus had made sure to be very careful about what he wrote in his letters to Sirius (for this very reason - in case the letters were intercepted), and he never mentioned the Order or revealed any more of a relationship than an ordinary friendship in the letters. But on that same note, Remus' letters were fairly basic. Even if they were being screened, there was nothing that should have kept them from Sirius, and it still didn't explain why Sirius hadn't responded.

Remus' legs carried him without thinking. There was a chilling breeze that swirled around the newly fallen snow in the darkness, but Remus barely noticed the cold or the snow as he followed the path through the forest in the quiet darkness. The heavy weight of the jacket and the smell of Sirius in the leather was somewhat calming, though Remus still couldn't get the image of Sirius' lifeless body out of his head.

There was suddenly the scent of something strange in the air. Remus stopped, trying to determine what it was. It was something that lingered uncomfortably in his memories, something he could recognize. Something that wasn't quite human.

"Still playing human, then?"

The voice sent a chill down Remus' spine. He would know that voice in a second. His wand was in his hand at once and he whipped around on the path, knowing exactly what he would find.

There, hidden half in the darkness, was Fenrir Greyback.

"What do you want?" Remus demanded, raising his wand at Greyback. Through the darkness Remus could see Greyback's shaggy grey hair and his pointed teeth gleaming in the moonlight.

"You know just what I want, don't you?" Greyback said, stepping closer to Remus.

" _Never,_ " Remus snapped, "I'll never join the pack. I'd rather die."

This wasn't the first time that Greyback had shown up to try to persuade Remus to join the werewolf pack; he had appeared several times over the past few years to ask Remus to come with him. Remus' resistance seemed to be greatly amusing to Greyback, like there was some enormous joke that Remus was the center of.

"You're not fooling anyone but yourself by trying to live this life. You know what would happen if they found out the truth about you. Then you'll have no choice but to join us."

Remus was silent. He remembered Sirius talking about the miserable werewolves in the pack, the ones who had believed Greyback's persuasions that they had no other options. Remus had long ago sworn that he would never join the pack, no matter how alone he came to be. It was disgusting the way Greyback believed in viciousness and blood thirst.

Greyback grinned, showing all of his pointed teeth. "This is why I always come back for you, Remus. None of the others fight as hard as you do. I can't wait for the day when you finally break, and come to join the rest of your kind."

"Why are you here?" Remus snapped, trying to put as much force into his voice as he could to prevent it from shaking. It was always unnerving to be around Greyback; the man had a way of affecting Remus so strongly that it was difficult to shake off.

"I have some news for _our_ kind," Greyback said, stepping more fully into the moonlight. "Voldemort has made a little proposition for us. If we join him now, he's offered us a place in his reign. He's offered us _power._ "

"And you believed him?"

Greyback smirked, amused. "Even a wizard like Voldemort wouldn't lie to a pack of dangerous killers. You don't lie to a werewolf if you know what's good for you. Your father made that mistake, and look what happened? Now his own son is the same kind of sickening beast that he hated so much."

Remus fought to stop his trembling wand hand and hold it steady. It was things like this that unnerved Remus around Greyback, the way Greyback seemed to know exactly what to say to get under Remus' skin.

Remus could remember how his father had changed after Remus had been bit. The passionate, bold man that Remus remembered from childhood had become reserved and timid after the incident with Greyback. Having a werewolf for a son had changed him entirely, and he had never fully recovered to his old self. Most of it was from the guilt that his actions and careless words to Greyback had caused so much suffering for his son, but deep down, Remus was sure there was lingering shame at having a dark creature for a child.

"Voldemort has offered us a place on his side," Greyback said. "He recognizes how strong we are, and now much we can do. Can you imagine what it would be like? To not have to hide what you are, but to be feared and respected. Instead of being shunned, we would have _power,_ and the humans would cower before us. It's the kind of power that we _deserve_."

"I'd never stoop to join Voldemort," Remus declared firmly. He was sickened by the man in front of him. This man was already an animalistic beast, and now he was willing to join Voldemort and do deplorable things to gain power.

There was a slight shift in the wind, and an interested look crossed Greyback's face.

"Black is his name, isn't it?" Greyback asked, grinning menacingly.

Remus stiffened. A cold fear washed over him at Greyback's mention of Sirius, and he couldn't stop the visible tremble of his wand arm.

"Yes, Black was his name. He was that pretty young Auror who came to the pack to try to make us play nice. I can smell him on that jacket. Isn't it _sweet_ that you've found someone like that? One of the few in many thousands who could stand the sight of you after finding out what you really are. And even he doesn't accept you for what you really are – tries to make you believe you're just a tortured being with an unfortunately problem once a month. Tries to convince you to act _human._ "

" _Shut up!_ " Remus snarled. It was a futile exclamation, but Remus couldn't help it.

"And he doesn't know what you _really_ are. He thinks that werewolves are just misunderstood, and doesn't understand the truth because he's never seen what a wolf can do. Do you think he could stand you if he _really_ knew what the wolf was like? If he saw what a bloodthirsty killer you are? These people learn to accept werewolves because they think it's a once a month thing. They don't understand that the wolf is always there. And if they saw what you're really like at the full moon, they wouldn't even be able to look at you."

"Get out of here, Fenrir. Stay away from me," Remus demanded, but Greyback had stepped even closer. Remus could see a dark glint in Greyback's blue eyes, which looked barely human on his ragged, wolfish face.

"You know it's true. You're a _beast._ You know what it's like to feel that rush of angry bloodlust even when the full moon is nowhere near. Just imagine how good it would feel to give in to that rage. To rip and tear and kill, and feel the warm blood on your hands. You feel so _alive_ right then, and you realize that this isn't something to try to repress. You realize that being a wolf is what makes you strong."

" _Stay away from me!_ " Remus shouted.

Greyback stopped mere feet away. He studied Remus with amusement.

"I know you're not ready to admit what you really are. You're still trying to convince yourself that you're human. But one day, you'll break. And I'll be waiting for you when that day comes. There'll always be a place waiting for you in the pack." Greyback waved in a mock-friendly way before he turned and his shaggy, hulking figure disappeared into the darkness.

Remus sank down on his knees onto the frozen ground. He felt so frightened and unsettled that he didn't know what to do. Greyback always had a way of getting under his skin, just like the wolf was under his skin before the full moon. Remus just felt so powerless when Greyback was around. So many of the things that Greyback had said were things that Remus felt to be true. His friends and family accepted him, but Remus was sure that if they ever truly understood the savagery of the wolf then they would no longer think so fondly of him. They wouldn't be able to even look at him if they knew the truth behind kind, gentle Remus. This was why he had fought so hard against having Sirius on patrol during the full moon – he didn't want to lose someone who was so dear to him.

Remus didn't move for a long time. His heart felt so heavy and twisted that he didn't think he could bring his legs to carry his own weight. Right now, he wanted to curl up and hide. More than that, more than anything, he just wanted to talk to Sirius and know that everything was okay.

***

The next few days passed impossibly slowly for Remus. He still hadn't heard back from Sirius, and he was anxious for the holidays to end so he could get back to Hogwarts and find what was keeping Sirius from writing.

Seeing his friends on the platform temporarily helped Remus take his mind off his worries. He sat in the train car with James, Peter, and Lily. Peter was propped up against the window, dead asleep and rather sunburnt from the Australian vacation he had been on, but Remus and Lily listened to James excitedly talk about the strange Muggle things at Lily's house. James eagerly described a device that transformed bread into toast _without_ magic - the things that Muggles could come up with!

Remus' dread crept back as the train neared the castle. After dropping his things in his dormitory, Remus immediately grabbed the invisibility cloak and ran to the staff wing.

He knocked on the door to Sirius' room. After waiting for some time in the hallway, he tried knocking again. There was no sound at all from inside the room and Remus was getting increasingly worried. Maybe Sirius was just somewhere else in the castle right now, but Sirius should have known that Remus would be coming by about this time. Remus expected him to be here.

Finally, Remus could take it no longer. He decided that he would do what he swore that he would never do. He drew out his wand and tapped the doorknob, using the unlocking spell that Sirius had enabled on his wand.

He slowly pushed open the door and peered inside. "Sirius?" he called tentatively.

It looked like the room had been ransacked. What had happened here? Sirius' cloak lay on the floor beside the couch like it had been ripped off. One boot sat beside the door and the other had been kicked across the room and now lay beside the wall underneath a muddy footprint. There was no fire in the fireplace, and the papers that usually covered the table had been swept off and were scattered all over the floor. Glass from a smashed bottle was littered around the entrance to the kitchen. A portrait that had hung on the wall lay face-down on the floor and one of the chairs had been tipped on its side.

"Sirius?" Remus called again, voice shaking. His heart was beating so hard that he felt like he could hardly breathe.

There was a low, pained groan from the stairs.

Remus raised his wand and slowly moved towards the stairs, still hidden under the invisibility cloak. He didn't know what to expect and he was trying to push away the horrible images that his mind was conjuring. The staircase was empty, but there was dim light coming from Sirius' bedroom.

He gasped when he saw Sirius on his bed, sprawled face-down, half-dressed and unmoving. Remus immediately dropped his guard and hurried towards Sirius.

"Sirius, what hap-"

As Remus stepped into the bedroom, he was at once hit by the overwhelming smell of alcohol.

"Who'sthere," Sirius slurred. A bottle of Firewhiskey hung loosely in his hand, half spilled on the floor.

Remus stood frozen in the doorway, fingers tightening on his wand. So _this_ was the reason why Sirius hadn't been able to respond to Remus' letters. He wasn't hurt or killed, as Remus had worried. He was just too damn drunk to be able to reply. Remus slowly drew off the invisibly cloak to make his presence known to Sirius.

"Remus?" Sirius asked groggily. He pushed himself up on the bed and looked over his shoulder, squinting against the light. "Hu... hullo."

Remus couldn't even think what to say. This room was a mess too: most of the robes had been pulled out of the closet, and the bed's blankets lay on the floor, probably dragged off in a drunken stupor. Remus marched over the side of the bed and took the teetering bottle from Sirius' hand, banging it down on Sirius' bedside cabinet with more force than necessary.

Sirius winced at the loud sound. He was slowly dragging himself into a sitting position on the bed. "What... what day is it?" he asked groggily. He rubbed his hands over his pale, unshaven face.

" _So_ ," Remus said tersely, "So this is what you've been doing."

Sirius just stared up at him with blood-shot eyes.

Remus huffed in anger. "I wrote you _three times_ and you never responded, even though I desperately asked you to write back and let me know that you were okay. I was worried _sick_ about you, I thought something had happened, but now I get back and find you- you-"

"It did," Sirius mumbled.

"What?"

"Something happened."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "What did you do?" he demanded, "Other than get _stinking drunk_ for the past two weeks."

"I... I'm sorry Remus. I'm sorry I made you worry." Sirius looked up at Remus with a tired, apologetic smile, and Remus couldn't help but feel a pang of sympathy for him. Damn that smile.

Remus sighed, his anger vanishing a bit. It was impossible for him to stay mad at Sirius, even in this state. "Come on, then. Let's get you sobered up."

He took Sirius' hand to help him up. Sirius rose heavily to his feet and stumbled after Remus as Remus pulled him towards the bathroom.

" _Cold water,_ " Remus said, leaving Sirius to shower.

The kitchen was just as much of a mess as the rest of the place. Remus vanished the empty bottles on the countertop and tapped the coffee percolator with his wand, setting it brewing. He cleaned up the worst of the damage in the kitchen before he sat down at the table.

Sirius' words were haunting him. _'Something happened.'_ There was something dark in Sirius' eyes like Remus had never seen before. Sirius always had a tendency to turn towards alcohol when he was angry, but it must have been something terrible for Sirius to have spent the past two weeks in a drunken stupor.

Finally Sirius returned looking a little more awake, sober, and at least clean. He poured himself a cup of the strong coffee a sat down across from Remus. He was silent for a long while as Remus stared at him expectantly.

"Sorry," Sirius finally said.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" Remus asked. He was anxious for an explanation of what had set Sirius off in such a destructive mood.

A dark look passed over Sirius' face, and suddenly Remus felt as if he didn't even want to know.

"I saw him," Sirius grumbled. "I had suspected it for a long time, but I didn't want to believe it was true."

"Saw who?"

"Regulus is a Death Eater," Sirius said grimly

Remus watched the miserable look pass over Sirius' face as he said these words. Just as it had been with Snape, it wasn't unexpected that Regulus might have joined the enemy, but it was still a shock to find out it was true. Even though Sirius and Regulus were no longer close, Sirius was still deeply unsettled to learn that his brother was a Death Eater.

"How did you find out?" Remus asked.

Sirius glanced up tentatively for a moment.

"I left the castle," he said quietly.

Remus jolted in his chair, anger coursing through him. "Sirius, you said you'd-"

"I know. I won't be doing it again, I can promise you that. I really ruined things this time," Sirius sighed. "I had heard that some of the Order members were scoping out a town near where there was a suspected Death Eater camp, and I left to join them without telling Dumbledore. We were checking out the town and I saw Regulus in the streets. I grabbed him and pulled him into an alley, and asked him what he was doing there. He wouldn't tell me. I grabbed his sleeve and pulled it up, a-and there it was. The Dark Mark. 'You don't understand, you don't understand,' he kept saying. But... I should have known it all along."

Remus reached over to lay his hand over Sirius' arm. He was still angry that Sirius had broken his word, but Sirius was deeply troubled over the discovery that his brother was working for Voldemort. "I'm sorry, Sirius."

"He was always such an idiot, Sirius said quietly, almost to himself. He cleared his throat and continued. "And then Regulus must have gone back to the Death Eater camp and told them about us, because the camp was cleared out by the time we made our raid that night. I ruined it all. I know I should have killed him then, but I... I couldn't."

"It's okay," Remus said. He tried to sound reassuring, but he didn't know if there was anything he could do or say to comfort Sirius at a time like this.

"It's not okay. Dumbledore said that this was the last straw, and he's even threatened to kick me out of the Order for breaking my word to him. I'm temporarily 'on probation' now." Sirius sighed and put his head down on the table, hiding his face behind his arms.

Remus had watched the pained look on Sirius' face, and he felt a sympatric ache in his own chest for Sirius' misery. The Order was something that Sirius held close to his heart. The double blow of discovering his brother's allegiance with Voldemort and facing the prospect of being kicked out of the Order was what had sent Sirius spiralling into a drunken, destructive stupor, and had left him looking more miserable than Remus could have thought possible.

"You know, Sirius," Remus said quietly, "I don't think Dumbledore would be angry over what happened with the Death Eater camp. The same thing would have happened whether you had been allowed to leave the castle or not. You couldn't have helped it - Regulus' presence would have had the same effect on you. You still care about him and discovering that he's a-"

"I _don't_ care about him," Sirius grumbled.

"Well, okay. But I'm trying to say that I don't think it's the failed raid that Dumbledore is angry about. It's because you left the castle. Dumbledore obviously has reasons for asking you not to leave - you told me yourself that part of the reason why he asked you to come teach was because the Order is lying low right now. You know how important secrecy is for the Order. So I just don't understand... Why do you do these things? Why do you try to break the rules like this?"

Sirius sighed, his face still hidden in his arms. "I'm not _trying_ to ruin things. I'm trying to help. It's not in my nature to just sit back. I miss when I was real part of the Order, going on missions and making a real difference in this war. It makes me wish I had never taken this job. No, that's not true, because then I would have never met you. But it not easy being cut off from everything. We have meetings here at the castle, but it's not enough. I just wish this was easier. And it's even harder when you're not around. When no one is around."

Remus could feel guilt creeping into him. "Sirius... I didn't realize. I should have listened to you when you asked me to stay over the holidays. None of this would have happened, then."

Finally Sirius picked himself up from off the table, though he still didn't look Remus in the eye. His head hung low and his shoulders were sunk with misery. "No, it's not your fault. I just want to be able to do something useful again. But you don't have to worry about me stepping out of line anymore, I'll listen as long as I'm here. It's so hard to sit back, and it's really not fair, but..." Sirius sighed. "What choice have I got?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Völsi, the name of James' owl, comes from [this](https://notendur.hi.is/eybjorn/ugm/volsi.html) rather interesting Icelandic tale :)


	17. Chapter 17

"Lemon sweet?" Dumbledore offered, motioning to the candy dish that sat on the edge of his desk.

Remus just shook his head. He felt so sick with fear that he didn't think he could stomach it right now. Sweat was beading on his forehead and his clenched fists were shaking. It felt like he was in a nightmare.

He knew what this meeting was about. He had known from the very start that it would come eventually. But after things had been going so good for so long, he had started to hope that it would never happen.

Dumbledore peered across the desk at Remus, blue eyes searching Remus' face. He folded his hands on his desk before he spoke.

"For some time now, I've been aware of the relationship between you and Professor Black."

Remus' heart stopped for a second before it began to pound so hard that he nearly choked.

"No, Professor, it's - it's my fault, really, it was all my idea, Si - Professor Black wasn't doing anything wrong, it was really-"

"Mr. Lupin."

"-all my fault, please, sir, please don't fire him! _Please_ don't kick him out of the Order, sir, I'll-"

" _Mr. Lupin,_ " Dumbledore said firmly, instantly silencing Remus' protests.

Remus gulped, feeling like the bottom had dropped out of his stomach. He wished that the ground would swallow him up and save him from what was inevitable coming. This time, there was no misunderstanding about why he had been called to Dumbledore's office. This was it. This was the end.

Dumbledore stood and crossed the office, stopping in front of the large window that looked out over the castle grounds. "As I'm sure you're aware, a relationship between a student and a professor is strictly forbidden," he said.

Remus nodded weakly. Dumbledore couldn't see it with Remus behind his back, but Remus' voice seemed to have deserted him completely.

"I could ask you why you thought it acceptable to carry on such a relationship when you knew it was forbidden. I could ask you why you so willingly risked the reputations of not only you and Professor Black, but that of the entire school. But, on that same note, I could also ask myself why it's taken me so long to speak to you about this."

"What do you want me to do?" Remus asked quietly. He knew he should tell Dumbledore that he'd put an end to it and that he and Sirius would stop everything at once, but it was too hard to make himself say it. Already his chest was aching painfully at what was to come.

It felt like a century passed before Dumbledore finally spoke. "Being that you are of age and no academic skewing has occurred, I have decided to allow this relationship to continue. It is an unorthodox decision and I feel that, in the future, I may look back and metaphorically 'kick' myself for it, but for the time being, I believe that this is the right choice."

Dumbledore turned back over his shoulder to look at Remus, and there was a hint of a smile in his twinkling blue eyes.

Remus could only stare at him. Surely this was a joke. Surely Dumbledore was about to hand Remus an expulsion notice. But Dumbledore was continuing on as if this were a perfectly natural conversation.

"There are, as you're aware, great risks involved in this relationship. You remember Professor Turpin from your fourth year. She, like Professor Black, was involved in a romantic relationship with a student, and this relationship was exposed to the public at large, ruining her reputation and making her forever an outcast in the wizarding world. In that case, I was not aware of the happenings until it was too late. But here, with you and Professor Black, I've been aware for several months and yet I've allowed it to continue. Why? I will say, had it been anyone else than you, I would not have allowed this. I know you are skilled at keeping secrets by now, but this is beyond that."

Remus was still at a loss for words. Was this really happening? He fought down the surge of relief that flooded him because there must be some catch. It couldn't be this easy.

Indeed, the troubled look on Dumbledore's face told Remus that things weren't as simple as they were starting to seem.

"Professor Black is a special case," Dumbledore continued. "Even when I asked him to come to Hogwarts, I knew that he would not be the best suited person for the job. But, for the time being, the Order needs to operate in secrecy. Professor Black has often been known to act rashly, and, during a critical period like this, we can't afford to let anything slip. That's why I asked him to come teach at the castle. I wanted to keep a close watch over him. He was fully aware of this at the time he accepted the job , though I don't think he anticipated the true impact of being away from the main activity of the Order. This has been very hard on him, and I now see how foolish I was to believe that he would easily accept this. He has been very difficult to maintain."

Remus started at this. 'Maintain'? It sounded like Dumbledore was speaking of Sirius as if he was just a problem to be managed.

Dumbledore seemed to read some of Remus' indignation, and a look of concern passed over his face. "Mr. Lupin, you misunderstand me. Professor Black is a valuable member of the Order, as well as a brave, loyal friend. You may have heard that I've threatened him with probation from the Order, but this is merely a threat. His role in the Order has been critical to the success we've had so far. I would be a fool to seriously consider removing him from our mission, but, at the moment, our focus has changed. We're lying low at this time and avoiding making our actions known to Voldemort. I'm well acquainted with Professor Black's tendency for boldness and brashness, especially when it is to protect his friends, and I wanted to keep him somewhere where he would be not be tempted into doing something out of line. I see now that trying to keep him sheltered has had the opposite effect of what I intended. But no matter the effect, this is our situation at the moment, and we must deal with it as best we can."

Dumbledore returned to his desk. "Before we can continue, I must ask you, is anyone else aware of the relationship between you and Professor Black?"

"Moaning Myrtle," Remus answered, which caused Dumbledore to raise his eyebrows. "I think Fenrir Greyback suspected it as well. And that Death Eater who attacked me in Hogsmeade, the barmaid."

"Ah, yes. Two months ago I went to speak to that Death Eater. Felicity Lucas is her name, and she was once a student at Hogwarts with an incredible gift for Legilimency." Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. "It's never pleasant to see my former students in legion with Voldemort, though I'm sad to say that it's been happening with increasing frequency. I remember Ms. Lucas well, and it was clear to me before I even spoke to her that it is not the goal of purification that draws her to Voldemort. Instead, she recognizes Voldemort's strength and impending rise and she sees in it her chance to become powerful. Being a part of Voldemort's inner circle would give her the power and influence she has always wished to have. Many are drawn to Voldemort for this same reason."

Remus thought back to what Greyback had said about Voldemort. Greyback, too, had been tempted by Voldemort's offer of power. Remus shivered. He still hadn't been able to speak of Greyback's visit to anyone.

"Ms. Lucas is an unlucky choice of Death Eater for the Ministry to capture, as she's easily able to use Occlumency to resist their questioning about Voldemort. On the other hand, she is a lucky choice for someone who has discovered the secret that you and Professor Black are keeping. It would be best if no one at all had discovered it, but the secret is safe with her. She said nothing to the Ministry of your relationship and it was only when I told her that I, too, was aware of it that she admitted her true reason for targeting you. You see, destroying you or Professor Black was not her goal – she leveraged her knowledge in an attempt to improve her status with Voldemort, but it was not out of personal hatred for Professor Black. Ms. Lucas is an opportunist and simply saw her chance to use this to her advantage. Still, I doubt that the reason she's protecting this secret is out of any care for you. I would guess that she's merely saving this knowledge for future use. Perhaps she'll grace you with her presence again one day."

Remus couldn't help but groan, and Dumbledore chuckled. "You have nothing to worry about for the time being, as she will not be released for quite some time. And by that time, you and Professor Black will no longer be student and teacher."

"Sir, forgive me for asking, but how did you find out? If you already knew before you went to speak to her."

"I do know quite a bit of what goes on in this castle," Dumbledore said, fixing Remus with a twinkling gaze. Remus always had the sneaking suspicion that Dumbledore could read minds, and now he felt it more strongly than ever. "You have been very careful. I would not have waiting for so long before speaking to you if you hadn't. Had I been anyone else but myself, I would not have had any reason to suspect anything out of the ordinary."

"Is this... is this really all? We're not in trouble or anything?"

"No, I should say not. It is a precarious situation, though I know you both understand the necessity for secrecy and you are very careful. I would ask that you cease to visit the staff wing, thought this may do more harm than good. Instead, I just ask that you continue to use the same level of caution that you always have."

Was Dumbledore really saying that he and Sirius could carry on as they had been doing? Remus was still reluctant to feel relieved, and as he stepped back from the situation, questioning doubt crept upon him.

"Sir... why haven't you invited Sirius to this meeting?" he asked. Dumbledore should be having this conversation with the two of them here together. It should be both Sirius and Remus sitting here in disbelief.

"I have not yet told Professor Black of my knowledge, and I do not intend to. I know that what you've learned in this meeting will make you act even more carefully than you already do, but the same knowledge would have the opposite effect on Professor Black and could make him more bold his actions. That is why I've called you here alone."

Remus had to agree with this reasoning. Sirius was always much more confident about these things than Remus was, and, having the Headmaster's approval, he'd be sure to have even less hesitation. Even the way that Sirius sometimes acted now was pushing it a little, so perhaps it was better if Sirius didn't know.

But Dumbledore wasn't finished. He peered at Remus with an intent look on his face. "However, there is another matter regarding Professor Black that I'd like to discuss with you. As I've said, Professor Black is not the best choice for this job. He is miserable, to the point of risking everything. But, miserable or not, he _needs_ to stay away from the thick of the action right now. Voldemort may have his sneaking suspicions of the Order, but he definitely knows that Sirius had positioned himself against Voldemort. I don't feel that I can simply leave Professor Black be and trust him to keep his word because the Order's activities are too tempting to him. This is where you come in. Professor Black cares about you very much, and though he may not be happy about it, he'll listen to you. So I ask you, to the best of your abilities, please encourage him to keep his place."

This was something that Remus already did; he often encouraged Sirius to be careful, but, as last week had proven, Sirius didn't always listen. "I don't know what else I can do," Remus told Dumbledore.

"It is not an easy task, especially because Professor Black so strongly objects to his current place. I suppose I'll put it this way - if you suspect that something is tempting Professor Black to participate in outside Order activities, please come to me immediately. Should you come across any information that may be of use to the Order, please bring it to me rather than to Professor Black. I will decide if he and the rest of the Order should hear it."

Remus spent most of his days in the castle and he didn't often encounter any information that was not privy to the rest of the Order, but there was one thing that Remus was alone on, and that was the fact that Fenrir Greyback often visited him.

Remus was still too unsettled about the things that Greyback had said to be able to talk to Sirius about Greyback's visit and his news about Voldemort. He knew he should tell Sirius, but the other things Greyback had said, about Sirius only accepting Remus because he didn't know what the true wolf was like, had haunted and stung too harshly for Remus to be able to bring up the subject.

"Well, I saw Fenrir Greyback over the Easter holidays. He's come a few times over the years to ask me to join his pack, but this time he said that Voldemort has offered the werewolves power if they'll work for him."

"And Greyback has agreed to work for Voldemort?"

"I seemed so, yes."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "I was aware of Voldemort's intention to recruit Greyback's pack, but I did not imagine that he'd be successful. Greyback is not the type to be easily swayed, even by Voldemort's methods of persuasion. This is terrible news indeed. You were right to keep it from Professor Black. A matter so important to him would surely cause him to jump into action. Was this all?"

Remus nodded.

"Thank you for telling me. If you hear anything more about this or about other matters regarding Voldemort, please come straight to me. You may go for now, but please keep in mind everything we talked about."

Remus' legs felt weak and shaky as he left Dumbledore's office, down the stairs and through the corridors without any real idea about where he was going. Had all of that really happened? He felt like he had woken up from a very strange dream. His brain so full of thoughts that he could barely make any sense of it. After wandering aimlessly for some time, he finally sat down on a bench in a small, secluded alcove and tried to gather his mind.

He still couldn't bring himself to feel any relief from the things that Dumbledore had said. Remus and Sirius weren't going to be kicked out of the school, at least, but Remus was now in a new area of precariousness. What was Remus being asked to do? To keep secrets from Sirius and to have a secret motive behind what he did or did not say to Sirius?

It made Remus angry that Dumbledore would treat Sirius like this. Dumbledore should have known how hard it would be on Sirius to be cut off from the Order and to keep to himself. Dumbledore should have known that this would drive Sirius mad. And now Dumbledore spoke of Sirius like a problem that needed to be managed. Would Dumbledore have allowed Sirius and Remus to continue their relationship if Sirius weren't a 'special case', as Dumbledore referred to him as?

Had Remus even agreed to this? No – but he hadn't objected either. He could see the truth in Dumbledore's intentions. The more Remus thought about it, the more he realized that this was for the best, or at least he managed to convince himself of it. But would Sirius see it that way?

Still, Remus knew that he had to do this. He owed so much to Dumbledore for allowing Remus to come to Hogwarts with all the arrangements that had been made with the staff and the Shrieking Shack and the Whomping Willow. Dumbledore had risked his job and reputation by allowing a werewolf to come to the school. Where would Remus be if he hadn't been allowed to come to Hogwarts? Running wild with Greyback's pack, likely. Remus owed Dumbledore everything.

What Dumbledore had asked him to do wasn't that much different than what Remus normally did. It wasn't like Remus had any Order information that Sirius didn't already know, other than that bit about Greyback. He just needed to make sure that Sirius was careful, which was something he wanted to do anyway. Remus nodded to himself. He would have to do this.

He had been sitting in the secluded alcove for some time when he first became aware of a sound he hadn't noticed before. It sounded like the high, muffled sobs of someone crying. Remus stood and listened, then followed the sound down the corridor to a classroom with the door partially ajar.

At first, he thought the room was empty. The torches were out and the only light came from the tall windows along the far wall. But in the corner, half concealed by a curtain, Remus saw a flash of red hair.

"Lily?" Remus asked, stepping closer.

Lily gasped at the sound and turned to face Remus. Her cheeks were streaked with tears and she quickly wiped them away with the back of her hand.

"Remus!" she gasped, "Um, sorry. Don't mind me."

"What's wrong?" Remus asked as he came to her side. It was hard to see her so upset.

She shifted away from him slightly, turning her face to hide her red eyes. "Nothing," she said.

Remus frowned and laid his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Lily, please tell me. What happened?"

Lily took a deep, shuddering breath. "He... He..." she started to say, before she let out a sob and threw herself against Remus' chest.

Remus had never grown to be very comfortable with physical touch and he couldn't help but tense at the sudden contact. He quickly regained his senses and wrapped his arm around the cry girl to comfort her.

"Did James do something?" Remus asked, trying to keep his voice gentle even though he felt like he would wring James' neck if it was James who had done whatever had hurt her like this

"No, not James. It's," –Lily's voice hitched up in a sob, "It's Severus. I saw that he has the Dark Mark."

Lily broke off in another series of sobs, and Remus rubbed her shoulder to try to comfort her. He had known that the discovery of Snape's allegiance to Voldemort would upset Lily, but he wasn't sure what he should do or say about it. He was never very good at comforting people. Lily was always so kind to him and he felt like he should be able to do more for her than this. "I'm so sorry, Lily."

"I know I shouldn't be surprised," Lily said quietly, "I had known he was going down that path for a long time. That's why he and I stopped being friends. But when I saw him face to face, I, I..." Lily's breath hitched and her voice broke off.

Remus wrapped his other arm around her shoulders and pulled her against his chest. It still felt strange to him, but he didn't know what else to do. "Don't feel that it shouldn't upset you. You may not be friends anymore, but you still care about him. The same thing happened to Sirius. He and his brother aren't on friendly terms, but he was still hurt by finding out his brother was a Death Eater."

Lily looked up at Remus with wide eyes. "His brother?" she asked.

Remus nodded. "You can pretend you no longer care for someone, but if you've ever really cared for them, then those feelings will never completely fade," Remus said.

Sirius had refused to admit to it when Remus had told him this, but Lily seemed much more receptive. "Do you think... Do you think I could go talk to Professor Black about this?" she asked tentatively.

"Sure," Remus said. Sirius had never been the type of teacher who was willing to counsel students, but this would be good for him as well as Lily. Sirius had been strangely melancholy since he had found out that Regulus was a Death Eater and maybe finding someone in the same situation as he was would help him.

Lily nodded against Remus' chest. Her sniffling was slowly abating, and finally she pulled back.

"Sorry about this. I didn't mean too..." She motioned to her face. Her tears had dried, though her eyes were still red and swollen.

Remus smiled at her. "Don't apologize. What are friends for?"

This made Lily smile back at him, and Remus felt relieved to see in a happier mood again.

"Thank you," she said, "And thank you for telling me about Professor Black. I'm going to talk to him."

Remus nodded at her, smiling encouragingly. With a friendly, grateful wave, Lily turned and left the empty classroom.

Now, Remus was the one who was left to brood. He rested his forehead against the cool windowpane and looked out over the Hogwarts grounds and the signs of spring in the melting snow and budding trees.

So many things had happened today. He still felt uneasy about what Dumbledore had spoken to him about; he almost felt that he should go tell Sirius about it, but Dumbledore had pointed out the danger in this. And, despite that Remus felt that it was the right thing to do, it was slightly unsettling that Lily was going to Sirius. She had always been keenly perceptive and getting close to Sirius would mean that she would be getting close to too many of Remus' secrets. But right now, their grief was the most important thing, and it outweighed Remus fears.

Remus sighed. Today had been a hell of a day. He felt exhausted from everything that had happened, but hopefully, everything would work out for the best.

***

"I guess Sirius got in trouble for messing with Order stuff again," James said. He was idly toying with a model Quidditch pitch on his bedside cabinet.

Remus looked up from his Ancient Runes homework. "I should have expected it. He was in quite the mood before Easter hols because he saw that Snape has the Dark Mark."

James snorted at this. "What a git, Lily was so upset about finding out about him. I'm glad they're not friends anymore – I could hex him within an inch of his life for hurting her like that. I'll bet his whole gang has the Dark Mark by now."

"What's the Dark Mark?" Peter asked.

Both James and Remus turned to look at Peter incredulously.

"Peter! You're a future member of the Order and you don't know what the Dark Mark is?" James said accusingly.

Peter crossed his arms indignantly. "I know what it _is_. I know it's Voldemort's marking for his followers. I've heard things about it in the paper, but I just don't know what it looks like. Sirius didn't explain it."

"Well, it's a brand on the inside of the left arm. A skull with a snake slithering out its mouth," James said, pointing to the place on his forearm where a Dark Mark would be.

Remus took up a quill and piece of parchment to draw an approximation of the Dark Mark. He drew the skull and snake as best as he could remember it from the barmaid's arm.

Peter studied Remus' drawing for a few moments.

"Does the tattoo move?" Peter finally asked.

Remus thought back to when he had seen it. "A bit, yeah," he answered.

Peter glanced up at them. "I've seen if before."

Both James and Remus started at this.

"Who?" James demanded

"When I was in Australia on Easter hols. There were two witches and one wizard with this Mark."

"I guess even Death Eaters need to go on vacation," Remus said, but Peter shook his head.

"I don't think they were tourists."

"Voldemort has people down in Australia too..." James said, voicing what they were all thinking. Until now, it had seemed that Voldemort's actions hadn't spread outside the country, but now Voldemort was gaining followers in other parts of the world as well.

"Do you think the Order knows? We should tell Sirius," James said.

Remus was about to agree with this before he remembered what Dumbledore had asked him to do. "I think we should tell Dumbledore first," he said.

James glanced at him. "Why shouldn't we tell Sirius first?"

"Well, Sirius is already in trouble. What if this just makes him go running off again? We should tell Dumbledore first, and then he can decide to tell the other Order members."

James nodded. "I guess you're right. I don't want him getting in trouble again. Alright, let's go see Dumbledore."

***

It turned out that their trip to Dumbledore wasn't the only Order happenings in the castle. A few days later, Dumbledore summoned a select few seventh-year students to his office to ask them to join the Order when they graduated. Remus, James, and Peter had already agreed to join but they were now official invitees, along with Lily and three other students.

The potential of new Order members put Sirius in a good mood, and he was grinning broadly as he let Remus, James, Peter, and Lily into his office.

"Welcome!" he said, spreading his arms and bowing to them as if he were bowing to a host of kings.

James grinned and puffed out his chest as he stepped inside. "It's official - in two months we'll be joining the Order."

"I still can't believe it!" Lily said. "I would have never suspected it, though I suppose that's good news for the Order. But it's been happening for all this time, hasn't it?" She smiled at Sirius and he smiled back. Lately, Lily had often joined their group when they would spend time in Sirius' office. Both Lily and Sirius seemed to be in better moods since Lily had gone to talk to Sirius, and Remus felt like it had been the right thing to get them together.

"I'll soon be returning to regular Order duties, as well," Sirius said. "It will be so nice to finally be free. To be able to go out whenever I want, to get some fresh air." It wasn't the usual bitter tone that Sirius used when talking about this subject; he sounded hopeful and like he was looking forward to the future. Sirius stretched his arms as if imagining his freedom already.

"One might argue that a flying motorbike offers _plenty_ of fresh air," Remus teased.

Lily's jaw dropped. "A flying motorbike? You have it here at the castle?" she asked, turning to Sirius in amazement.

Sirius grinned proudly. "Should you ever like a ride, I'd be more than happy to offer."

"Hey, no fair, I've never gotten to ride on it!" James protested. "I've seen it, but we've never gone for a ride."

"I've never even seen it!" Peter added.

"Well, we'll all have to go out one night! Hagrid has been talking about having a party for you four new Order members. Let's decide on a night and we can all have a turn on the bike at the party."

"Oh, we should go next Sunday. That's the night of the full moon and the view will be beautiful!" Lily suggested.

A tense, awkward atmosphere settled over the room. The others tried not to make it obvious as they turned to Remus for his answer.

"Uhm, I'll be away visiting my mum that night. She's sick," Remus said, hoping that Lily didn't notice the nervousness in his voice.

It didn't seem that she did because Lily turned to him sympathetically. "Oh, that's right. I remember back in fourth year you often left to visit her. Her health isn't much better?" she asked.

"Improving," Remus answered. He was relieved that he would soon be graduating and his disappearances would be less noticeable so he would no longer need to use his (perfectly healthy) mother as an excuse.

"Hey, how about we have our party tomorrow night?" James suggested, returning to the subject of the party. "Tomorrow's a Saturday, which means it's not a school night and we won't have to take it easy on Ogden's Finest."

" _James,_ " Lily chastised, laughing and hitting him lightly on the arm.

"You won't be bringing a drop of it near my bike," Sirius said, fixing James with a steely look.

"Oh, alright," James said, grinning despite the reprimands. "I'll wait until _after_ I've had my turn on the bike. But what do you say about tomorrow night?" He turned to the others in question.

"Tomorrow night," Sirius agreed.

***

Sirius' recent exploits made Remus wary of having him around too much alcohol, but at Hagrid's house, surrounded by a group of lively, cheerful people, Sirius had a much different attitude. It seemed that alcohol only served to enhance whatever mood Sirius was feeling. When Sirius was angry or upset, he'd turn towards alcohol as an escape, but it would only make him more surly. But here, surrounded by celebration and good company who were still buzzing with excitement from the recent motorbike ride, Sirius was in a much better mood.

"To the new Order members!" he said, a huge grin spreading across his face as he raised a glass of Firewhiskey in a toast. They all cheered, raising their own glasses in agreement.

Of course, they weren't officially Order members yet, and they weren't to do any Order business, but at this point Remus seemed to be the only one concerned about details. He raised his glass and smiled for both their future roles in the Order and for Sirius' happiness.

Spending time at Hagrid's house was always enjoyable, but tonight they were especially determined to have a good time. NEWTs were just over a month away and this would likely be their last chance at an evening like this before they'd be buried in textbooks and revision notes. It was a welcome celebration for all of them, but perhaps happiest of all were Hagrid's Kneazles, who enthusiastically climbed over the guests all evening.

The line of empty bottles on the countertop steadily grew as the hours passed and it was well after midnight when the party guests finally started pulling on their cloaks to leave.

"I'm so proud o' yeh all," Hagrid said, misty eyed as he drew them all into an enormous rib-cracking hug. "To think, jus' yesterday yeh were all just firs' years, and now yer goin' to be Order members!"

"If we survive that long," Peter gasped from where he was being crushed face-first against Hagrid's chest.

They waved goodnight to Hagrid and made their way through the darkness towards the castle, laughing and half-stumbling over the grass. The alcohol had warmed them so much that it felt like they hardly needed their cloaks in the cool spring night. James and Sirius were loudly singing " _Old Ogden's Brew"_ , slinging their arms around the others and convincing them to join in on the drinking song.

They quieted down once they reached the castle. Lily, being Head Girl, was suddenly nervous about getting caught after lights-out, so Sirius offered to accompany them to Gryffindor Tower. James was still humming " _Old Ogden's Brew_ " under his breath as they crept through the corridors, though there was no one about in the castle and most of the portraits were loudly snoring against their frames.

They were nearing the portrait of the Fat Lady when James suddenly stumbled and fell.

"James, you drunk idiot, you can't even walk!" Sirius laughed, hauling James to his feet again.

"I didn't fall, I tripped over-" James turned and gasped, pointing at what he had just tripped over. They all turned to see Mrs. Norris peering up at them. Her lamp-like eyes seemed to glow in the dim light of the corridor. Filch appeared out of the darkness of the corridor a second later.

"Out of bed after lights-out, _drunk,_ " Filch growled. He sounded sickly delight to have discovered this, and his eyes glinted manically as he sneered at Sirius,

"Brilliant deduction skills, Filch, bravo," Sirius said sarcastically, raising his hands and clapping in congratulations.

Filch was momentarily taken aback by the mockery, but his malicious smile quickly returned. "Dumbledore will have you for this one once I tell him what you've done."

"Go right ahead, you miserable old sod," Sirius retorted.

Lily's jaw dropped at this and she stared at Sirius in shock. Remus slunk back against the wall, knowing all too well how useless it was to tell Sirius to back down once he got started like this.

Filch's eyes were bulging out of his head; he looked furious and his mouth moved wordlessly as he gaped at Sirius.

Sirius had drawn his wand and he was smirking condescendingly at Filch. "So what are you waiting for? Get out of here, go tell Dumbledore about how naughty I am. Dumbledore will tell you that I have every right to wander the halls whenever I choose, but if you _insist_ on making his life difficult, you'd better hurry along to tell him."

"But you have students with you, out of bed," Filch snarled, glaring at the rest of the group.

"Yes, _with me,_ accounted for. So move along then, go tell Dumbledore that I'm being a bad boy. What are you waiting for? _Go!_ " A jet of sparks flew out of Sirius' wand, hitting the floor inches away from Mrs. Norris. She hissed angrily and streaked away down the corridor. Filch stalked off after her, turning back over his shoulder to glare furiously at Sirius.

Sirius laughed before Filch was even out of earshot, and continued on to Gryffindor Tower without another word. James and Peter had amused smiles on their faces, but Lily had a disapproving glare on her face since Sirius had first spoken to Filch. She finally turned to Sirius.

"That was _very_ childish," she said.

Sirius shrugged. "He deserves it."

"He _doesn't_ ," Lily protested.

"C'mon Lily, everyone knows Filch is a miserable old sod," James said. Lily quickly turned her disapproving glare on James, and James blanched. "I mean, uh, maybe you should be nicer, Sirius..." James added vaguely.

Lily turned back to Sirius. "He's your fellow staff member, he deserves to be treated with respect!"

Sirius said nothing as he glared back at Lily. Both Sirius and Lily had fiery, determined personalities, and neither would back down from something like this.

"Hey, come on, no use arguing about it. Here we are the portrait hole already. Oi, wake up! _Fortuna Major_ ," Peter said, poking the portrait of the Fat Lady. She was snoring rather loudly and turned over, groggily opening one eye to peer at them.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" she croaked sleepily.

" _Fortuna Major_ ," Peter repeated, and the portrait swung open. James, Peter, and Lily crawled through the portrait hole, and Lily threw one last scolding look over her shoulder at Sirius. Remus lingered behind with Sirius. He was relieved that the others didn't seem to be waiting for him, and the portrait swung back into place over the entrance.

"What's _her_ problem?" Sirius grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back against the wall.

"Lily likes everyone to treat each other kindly, you know that," Remus said gently.

"I'm stuck in this horrible place and I can't even torment Filch?"

Remus personally agreed with what Lily had said, but Sirius was miserable in the castle and there were worse things he could do than insult Filch.

Remus moved closer to Sirius. "C'mon, it's not that horrible. You had fun tonight didn't you?" He quickly glanced around the corridor to make sure no one was around before he wrapped his arms around Sirius and grinned at him.

"Yeah," Sirius mumbled. Despite the sullen look on his face, he settled his hands on Remus' hips. "I guess I might have been a bit childish, but that's what I'm starting to feel like here. It's just... it's hard for me being here. I miss the way that things used to be."

Sirius was quickly sinking into a darker mood; Remus could see it in the dulling of his eyes and the sinking of his shoulders. "It seems like so many things are being kept from me, and I wonder, does Dumbledore even trust me anymore?"

It was heartbreaking to see Sirius with such a defeated look on his face. Remus' mind immediately went back to his meeting with Dumbledore, and that Remus himself was a part of what was making Sirius so miserable. Suddenly Remus could no longer bear it.

"Sirius, I..." he started to say, but he couldn't continue. This was difficult, but he knew that this was in the best interests of the Order, and in Sirius' best interests as well.

"'I...'?" Sirius prompted.

"Nothing."

"'I... love you'?" Sirius suggested. He grinned and leaned in to kiss Remus. "But I suppose I should you let you get to bed before Filch comes sniffing around again."

It seemed like Sirius was starting to shake his bad mood a bit. Remus kissed him once more before they parted and Sirius left down the corridor. Remus turned to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

" _Fortuna Major_ ," he said. The Fat Lady had fallen back asleep and she woke up with a start. The portrait swung open.

"That had better be the last time you wake me up!" the Fat Lady called as Remus climbed into the common-room.

***

It was nearly a week later and only a few days before the full moon when Remus made his way to the staff wing again. The pull of the moon was already affecting him and he had been tense and short tempered all day, even snapping at group of second-years who had accidentally bumped into him in the corridor. By now, after a long day, he just felt exhausted and aching. Maybe he could wheedle another massage out of Sirius. He grinned under the Invisibility Cloak, remembering how nice Sirius' warm hands had felt running over his back. Yes, that would be quite welcome right now.

But as soon as Remus arrived at Sirius' room, it was clear that nothing of the sort would be happening tonight. The too familiar smell of Firewhiskey was on Sirius' breath when he answered the door and he paced and banged around the room instead of sitting down beside Remus.

"So I heard something from Dumbledore. Something that came from you first," Sirius finally said, voice full of accusation.

Remus glanced over at Sirius, who was glaring at Remus in the penetrating way that only Sirius was capable of. "Oh, about the Death Eaters in Australia," Remus said offhandedly.

"No, James told me about that last week. Or was that something else that you tried to keep from me as well?"

Remus blinked, taken aback by the accusatory look on Sirius' face.

Sirius' knuckles were white where they were clenched around the glass in his hand. "We had an Order meeting tonight," Sirius continued, "And Dumbledore told us what you heard from Fenrir Greyback."

"Yes, Greyback came to me over the Easter holidays," Remus agreed.

The glass in Sirius' hand slammed down on the table, sloshing the amber liquid over the edges with the force.

"What?" Remus asked timidly, though he was sure he knew what was coming.

Indeed, Sirius' eyes were intensely fixed upon him, a mixture of storm and fire. More than anything, he looked hurt. "Why didn't you tell me? You know how important that is to me!"

Even before Remus had spoken to Dumbledore, he had kept Greyback's visit a secret from Sirius. Remus' initial reaction had been that he should tell Sirius what Greyback had said about Voldemort, but every time Remus tried to do it, the only thing he could think of was the other things that Greyback had said. Remus could still see Greyback's feral, grinning face in his mind, intensified all the more by the closeness of the moon. He could still hear Greyback's raspy voice: _Do you think he could stand you if he really knew what the wolf was like?_ Those words had twisted themselves in Remus' chest like wire. It was too hard for Remus to speak to Sirius about something that could so easily drive him away. Truth be told, he had even been slightly relieved that Dumbledore's orders had served as an excuse for Remus to continue keeping his secret.

"With everything that happened after Easter break, with you and Regulus, it just slipped my mind," Remus said wearily.

"Slipped your mind? Remus, I've met Greyback. He's not the kind of person who slips your mind, _ever._ So don't lie to me. Tell me why you didn't tell me."

"I thought it would be better to tell Dumbledore first," Remus answered instead, which was part of the reason why he hadn't told Sirius. "I didn't want to tell you anything that would, well..."

"That would _what?_ " Sirius demanded.

"You do have a habit of getting yourself into trouble."

"So you decided to keep things from and filter what you told me? You decided that Dumbledore came before me?"

There was an uncharacteristic flare of anger inside Remus at this accusation. _It's the wolf,_ Remus told himself. He wasn't himself right now, and it was just because of the closeness of the full moon that these words had upset Remus so much.

"Sirius, it's not like that," he said.

"Then why did you tell Dumbledore and not me?" Sirius demanded with even more ferocity.

Remus sighed in agitation, anger creeping out again. "I had a meeting with Dumbledore a while ago. Do you know what he told me? He knows about us."

Sirius physically jolted in shock at this and his face paled. "He... he knows?" he asked hoarsely.

"Yes, and he's known for quite some time. He said he wasn't going to tell you that he knows because it would make you too bold, which is _true._ He's tired of the way you act and the way you always break your word to him. He even asked _me_ to be careful with what I said to you if it was something that would tempt you to get involved in Order business. So _that's_ why I didn't tell you."

Sirius was deathly still for a moment, glaring at Remus with powerful malice, before he wheeled around and stalked off towards the liquor cabinet.

"I can't believe you. I can't believe you would do this. It's not f-"

"Here we go again," Remus sighed.

Sirius rounded on him at once with a look of intense anger. "Do you think this gets any easier for me? Do you really think I can just sit back and be okay while you and Dumbledore treat me like a child? And this time it isn't about that, it's about you. I know I don't have a choice about being here, but it's a hell of a lot easier when you're not betraying me like this."

"Sirius, I didn't mean to-"

"Don't give me that, of course you meant to," Sirius said, cutting him off. "You knew what you were getting into, didn't you?"

Remus hadn't agreed to it, but he hadn't objected either. "I just... What Dumbledore said rang true to me. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I want you to be safe," he said truthfully.

Sirius snorted. "What, and the best way to do that is by lying to me?'

"I didn't lie."

"You might as well have

"Please, Sirius. You know I care about you," Remus insisted.

"Well that's a fucking shit way of showing it!" Sirius snarled.

Remus' temper flared and he was on his feet at once, face to face with Sirius. _It's the wolf,_ he told himself again, though he was sure that that comment would have had the same effect at any point of the moon's cycle. How dare Sirius say something like that? Remus had always known that, due to his own particular condition, it was easy for others to lose their regard for him, but his own feelings of affection didn't waver. He had done this because he cared about Sirius and didn't want him to get in trouble.

Remus forced himself to take a step back and tried to regain control of his anger before he spoke again. "I just want to keep you in line and keep you from doing something stupid."

Sirius' eyes narrowed. " _Something stupid?_ " he asked levelly.

"You've been known to do it before," Remus said sharply.

It was the truth. He hadn't meant to say it, but his temper had slipped, but now that he had said it, it felt good.

The silence from Sirius told Remus that these words had rang true to him as well. Sirius just stalked off across the room again, pacing back and forth.

Remus slowly sank back down on the couch. The full moon made Remus' temper too short. He needed to regain control of himself, but it was so hard when Sirius made accusations like that. Of course Remus cared about him.

Finally Sirius sighed loudly. "It's not fair! You get to fight Death Eaters twice, Peter is finding Death Eaters in Australia, and I'm stuck in this old castle. I'm a grown man, and I'm being treated like a child! I can't do anything, I can't leave, I can't even use the Floo without Dumbledore's permission, and now what I'm allowed to hear is being filtered, and you're cooperating with it!"

Remus crossed his arms as he listened to Sirius' petulant rant. "Stop it. You know it's for the best."

"It's not fair!" Sirius repeated angrily.

Remus could no longer hold back. "You're unbearable sometimes, you know that?" he snapped. "Every little thing sets you off into a sulk, and then you go to the Firewhiskey. I know you're unhappy, _I know that._ You make it perfectly clear every chance you get."

"And you don't understand what it's really like, to be stuck in some god-awful situation like this!"

"I don't understand? I don't understand what it's like to be stuck in the most agonizing, unbearable situation that there's no escape from? Do you think I chose to be a werewolf? Of course I'm unhappy about it, and I would give anything to change it, but I can't. I could spend all my time complaining about it, but would good would that do? Would that make me any closer to being human? _No,_ it wouldn't. I know I have to accept things the way they are, even though I don't like it, because it's not going to change."

Sirius had barely heard him. "How am I supposed to be contented here, I'm chained up like a dog!"

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying?" Remus asked incredulously.

Sirius waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, the same bullshit you always say about 'stop whinging' and 'kiss Dumbledore's arse'."

" _Sirius,_ " Remus said. It was the only thing he could say without completely losing his mind. He felt so close to edge with Sirius acting wildly like this, saying whatever he chose and not listening to a word that Remus was saying. Remus' heart was pounding and he could feel his face heating in anger.

Sirius stopped his pacing and glared at him. "That's the truth, isn't it? That's what you always tell me to do?" he shouted.

Something inside Remus finally snapped. "Yes. Yes it is. I've heard this same thing a hundred times before. What Lily said about you the other night is true, you do act like a child," he growled.

"I do not!" Sirius protested, and Remus couldn't help but laugh at how childlike Sirius sounded right then.

"You do, you always do. Sometimes you need to stop acting like a fucking bratty kid and just do what you're told for once."

Sirius looked more furious than Remus had ever seen him before. His face twisted in rage and his eyes were full of fire. Anger radiated off him in waves.

" _Get out_ ," he snarled.

" _Fine_ ," Remus snapped in response. He grabbed the Invisibility Cloak and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind himself.


	18. Chapter 18

Part of Remus knew he was overreacting. He knew that Sirius' words shouldn't have stung him as badly as they did. Sirius couldn't have meant the things he said about Remus not caring about him and not understanding him. Sirius had just been so angry that he had flung out whichever words he knew would hurt Remus the most.

It had worked. Remus had been seething when he left the staff wing and had spent the night blindly pacing around the dormitory and common-room. He was so livid that he couldn't sit still. Again and again, he went over Sirius' words, and always came to the same conclusion: that Sirius responded just as childishly as Remus had accused him of being. Maybe Remus should have told him about the werewolf pack earlier, but at the same time, Remus was positive that Sirius would have been prompted into something dangerous if Remus had done that. Remus had made the right decision by telling Dumbledore first. Hadn't he?

It was well into the morning hours by the time Remus finally fell into an uneasy sleep, and he rose only a couple hours later feeling like he hadn't slept at all. Somewhere in the night, between the tossing and turning and the brief, restless bouts of sleep, the boiling anger had retreated and guilt had crept into his chest in its place. This was all his fault, really. He had started their troubles. Maybe Sirius' reactions had been a bit stronger than they should have been, but the blame was still on Remus. He had accused Sirius of acting without concern for others, but hadn't Remus done the same thing? He should have thought more about how his actions would affect Sirius. He had been trying to protect Sirius, but had betrayed him instead.

Too troubled to feel hungry, Remus spent breakfast sneaking glances at the staff table. Slughorn was futilely trying to engage Sirius in conversation, but Sirius seemed to be too contained in his own anger to offer any kind of response. He was stabbing at his eggs and toast like he was trying to murder them.

Friday classes passed in a blur as Remus' thoughts were still caught up in what had happened last night. He shouldn't have told Sirius that he was childish or did stupid things, even if there was a bit of truth to it. He had hurt Sirius. Sirius had reacted with anger, but more than anything, Remus knew that Sirius was hurt.

Remus made up his mind about what he was going to do. The last class of the day ended and he hurried to the Defence classroom, hoping that he could catch Sirius before he left.

The last of the second years were hurrying out the classroom door when Remus arrived. One of them cast a slightly terrified look over her shoulder as she left, and Remus could only guess that Sirius' bad mood had spread to the classroom and he had spent the day stomping around and shouting.

Sirius was roughly gathering up the papers on his desk, not noticing that the assignments and essays were quickly becoming dog-eared from his shuffling. He had a scowl on his face and hadn't noticed that Remus had entered the room.

"Sirius?"

Sirius' head snapped up, and his scowl deepened when he saw Remus in the doorway.

" _What?_ " he growled, eyes narrowing. "Have you come to tell me how bratty and childish I am again?

"I came to say..." Remus started to say. He took a deep breath to prepare for the next word. _Sorry._

"Or have you some to tell me that I'm stupid and can't be trusted?" Sirius continued with a cruel sneer.

Remus sighed, trying to ignore the taunt. It was difficult to remain calm when Sirius acted like this, and that had been Remus' undoing last night. "No, I came to say-"

"Or maybe you won't tell me anything at all, because Dumbledore told you not to talk to me and he's much more important to you than I am!"

The maliciousness on Sirius' face was too much for Remus to handle right now. " _Forget it,_ " he growled. He turned sharply and stormed out of the classroom.

How could he be expected to deal with Sirius when Sirius got to be like this? Once again, Sirius was just throwing out words without thinking and without listening to a word that Remus was saying. It was the same as always: Sirius just jumped into action without a second thought about how he was affecting others.

Right now, Remus just wanted to repeat Sirius' sentiment of " _It's not fair_ ," and sit down and cry. As if Sirius being furious at him wasn't enough to rip his heart in two, the full moon was only two nights away and everything ached with deeper pain than Remus could stand. The wolf clawed its way into everything he felt, intensifying his emotions and making him angrier than he should be. He felt like he wanted to claw off his own skin or scream his throat raw. He wanted to run until his legs couldn't carry him any further and he could just collapse and sleep.

But there was no escape like this, no relief. Remus would just have to deal with it as best he could, just as he always did. He had been mindlessly stalking through the corridors for over an hour and supper would soon be starting, but Remus headed in the direction of the prefects' bath instead.

As he grumbled the password and stepped into the prefects' bath, he was startled by a loud shriek from a familiar voice. His hands immediately flew up to cover his eyes.

" _Lily!_ " Remus gasped, still hidden behind his hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't know-"

"It's okay, I was just getting dressed," she said hurriedly. There was the rustling sound of fabric as she pulled on her robes. "You know, you could have checked to see if anyone was in here."

"Sorry, I didn't even notice, I wasn't thinking," Remus blurted. He was mortified, utterly embarrassed for having walked in on her. He had been too absorbed in his own anger and hadn't thought to make sure that the room was empty before he barged in.

"You can open your eyes now," Lily said at last. Remus felt her warm hands wrap around his wrists and pull his hands down from his face, though he kept his eyes shut.

"I'm sorry," Remus said again. His face was still burning with humiliation, but he finally opened his eyes to look at Lily.

He was startled by what he saw. Her face was red and her eyes were watery and swollen.

"A-are you okay?" he asked.

Lily's hands flew up to cover her face in embarrassment. She laughed lightly, though it sounded forced. "Um, yes, I'm fine. I guess I must be red from the heat. I'll leave you to your bath now, see you later!" She hurried out of the room.

Remus watched her go. He wasn't entirely convinced about her excuse, but he set about getting undressed and preparing the bath water. Finally he sunk down in the steaming water. It was almost painfully hot, but it felt good against his tense muscles.

He closed his eyes and tried to relax. His mind was still busy running through everything that had happened, playing out the 'what if's in agonizing repetition. Could he have told Sirius about what he had heard from Greyback? The way Greyback's words still haunted him, Remus didn't think that he would be able to talk to Sirius about it even now. Sirius would pry the full extent of Greyback's visit out of Remus, along with the true reason that Remus had kept silent about it and the true nature of the wolf. As much as Sirius claimed to have nothing against werewolves, Remus knew that Sirius had no notion of what the wolf was really like. This was for the better. Sirius remained blind to the truth about the wolf, and though they had fought about it, it was better that Sirius was furious at him for this than disgusted by him.

This was just a row, wasn't it? That's what Remus told himself. Sirius would forgive him eventually. But then again, they had rowed about this same thing many times before, and it had never been this bad. Remus had crossed the line this time. Maybe there was no going back.

No, he couldn't think of that. He couldn't deal with that right now. For now, Sirius could make a fuss and stomp around and drown his woes all he liked. Remus would worry about it after the full moon. He sighed and closed his eyes, sinking deeper into the bath water. Yes, he'd deal with it later.

After half an hour of trying and failing to clear his mind, Remus dragged himself out of the water. He dried himself and got dressed, but as he was pulling on his robes he noticed a piece of parchment lying on the floor where Lily had been getting dressed earlier.

Remus picked it up, unsure if he should open it. It might be a private letter to Lily that Remus wasn't meant to read. But then again, it may be an unimportant piece of parchment that didn't even belong to her, and it would be foolish to return it to her.

Remus unfolded the parchment and recognized the thin, spidery writing of Snape:

" _Dear Lily,_

_I know you don't value my opinion very highly anymore, but I need to warn you. You already know what I think of Lupin, but it's Black who I want to warn you about._

_You're putting yourself in great danger by befriending Black. He's well known to Voldemort as a blood-traitor to one of the most powerful pure-blood families in the wizarding world. Voldemort is disgusted with this blatant disregard for the gift of pure-blood status. Even worse than that, Black has openly aligned himself again Voldemort._

_Right now Voldemort is occupied with other plans, but there will come a time when he turns his mind to destroying Black. I can guarantee that Voldemort will go to any lengths to get to Black and there will be no mercy. No one would be able to protect you from that. This is why I'm warning you. By allying yourself with Black, you're putting yourself in a dangerous position._

_I still care about you, and I don't want to see you suffer. For your own safety, you should abandon your friendship with Black. You can think of me however you will, but there's no uncertainty in the things I've written here. I hope you'll listen to my advice._

_Always,_

_Severus_ "

Remus slowly refolded the letter. Nothing in it came as a shock – not that Snape still suspected the truth about Remus, nor that Snape was working closely with Voldemort. Remus also knew that Sirius was in danger due to his stand against Voldemort. They all were – maybe Sirius' place was more prominent due to his blood status, but every member of the Order was risking their lives.

Remus had never been fond of Snape. Remus had tried to be polite to him because of Snape's close friendship with Lily, but Snape had quickly noticed Remus' disappearances around the full moon and had turned cruel and suspicious. It was partially because of Snape's repeated suggestions about what Remus was that had made Remus feel the need to pull away from Lily. Somewhere around this time, James had made it his personal mission to torment Snape, and Remus didn't give him another thought.

Lily, though, had always been much closer with Snape. They had been very close friends even before they had started at Hogwarts. At that time, Voldemort's name had been little more than a whisper in the darkest streets. His power had grown, though, and a new interest in the Dark Arts and blood status started to manifest, even in the halls of Hogwarts. From a distance, Remus could see the divide growing between Snape and Lily as Snape and his friends were drawn towards Voldemort's ideas. No one was exactly sure what, but something had happened between Lily and Snape in fifth year, and Lily had refused to speak to Snape after that.

Remus had guessed that the reason for their broken friendship was because of Snape's interest in the Dark Arts, and the conversation with Lily a few weeks ago had supported this idea. Even though Lily had known that Snape supported Voldemort, she had still been shocked to discover that he was actually a Death Eater. That wound was still fresh, and it must have seemed hypocritical to her that he was trying to warn her to be careful. Judging by her red eyes as she had left the prefects' bath, Snape's letter had affected her deeply.

Remus returned to the common-room and found it to be mostly empty, as most of the students were still down at supper. He noticed Lily at once; she sat alone in a large armchair and was staring broodingly into the fire.

"Lily," Remus said simply as he approached her. She looked up at him, and he held out the folded letter. "You dropped this."

Lily glanced at the letter and recognition flashed across her face. Her eyes flitted down to her bag, clearly shocked that the letter had slipped out, and she reached for it with trembling fingers.

"Did you read it?" she asked quietly.

Remus nodded.

Lily bit her lip. She hesitated for a moment, then she seemed to decide that Remus was someone she could talk to about this.

"How can he say things like that. I can't believe-"

Lily stopped as suddenly as she had started and glanced over at Mary MacDonald, who was sitting nearby. Mary was well known for her eavesdropping habits and her love of gossip.

"Do you want to go upstairs?" Remus suggested.

Lily nodded. She picked up her bag and followed Remus up to the boys' dormitories. Once there, Remus sat on the edge of his bed and Lily paced about the room. Lily would usually complain about the mess that the three boys lived in while she was here, but today she didn't even seem to see it. There was a deep crease between her brows and her knuckles were white as he firsts were clenched at her sides.

Finally, she sighed loudly. "I- I just can't believe him! He's been trying to corner me for weeks and he finally gave me that letter. I was in tears about it at first, but now I'm furious. How can he say he cares about me! If he had his way then soon the whole world would be under Voldemort's command and I'd be killed for being a _mudblood!_ "

The passion and anger was clear in Lily's voice. Remus had been right to believe that Snape's letter had a deep effect on Lily; every word Lily spoke rang with exacerbation. In a way, Remus admired Lily for this – that she could speak so openly and truthfully about her own feelings. He kept quiet and let Lily continue venting her frustration.

"And what he says about Sirius - how cowardly is that? Abandoning someone because you're scared that you'll be hurt? I can't imagine how selfish someone would have to be to even consider that, but it shows what kind of person he is." Lily sighed, raking her fingers back through her hair. "I don't know how to react. What am I supposed to think about this? What should I tell him?"

Remus could easily relate to being the recipient of Snape's scorn. Snape's sudden coldness towards Remus had been just another reminder of what it really meant to be a werewolf in the wizarding world. Snape had turned on Lily in the same way, but this was much different: this was without reason. He had chosen meaningless blood status over his closest friend. It sickened Remus that anyone could willingly join Voldemort, but Snape's case was even more appalling.

Of course, Remus would never speak his mind so freely. He was more than willing to let Lily talk to him about this, but he didn't feel he had any place offering his opinion on it. He nodded in response to show Lily that she was free to go on.

But Lily wasn't so quick to continue. She stopped her pacing in front of Remus and fixed him with a serious look. "What do you think I should do?" she asked.

It was then that Remus realized that Lily was truly asking him for personal advice, and his immediate reaction was to draw back and hesitate. It was such a delicate subject that he didn't know what he should say. "I-I don't know," he stammered, suddenly nervous.

"Are you always this distant? Please, Remus, tell me what you think."

"It's awful, it really is," Remus said vaguely.

Lily sighed. " _What_ is? The situation is awful? _He's_ awful? _I'm_ awful for being a mudblood?"

"Lily, don't say that!" Remus cried. It wasn't right that she could say something so self-depreciative.

"Then what is it? Tell me what you mean. You're my friend and I want to know what you think."

The look on Lily's face was so open and earnest that Remus had to look away from her. He knew he couldn't continue to brush aside her questions, but he didn't have anything to say to comfort her or sooth her doubts. "I don't know what to tell you," he said.

"Tell me the truth. Tell me what you really think."

Remus glanced back up at her, and he could see it in her eyes – she wasn't looking to be comforted or be told that everything would be okay between her and Snape. She was looking for the truth. Remus swallowed, then began hesitantly.

"Really, I don't think it will matter to him what you say, because he won't change," he said. It was difficult to make himself say it and it made him nervous to be offering his thoughts about a personal matter he had no involvement in, but Lily wanted his opinion. "He's someone who couldn't make up his mind - he says that he cares about you and wants to be safe, yet at the same time, he's the reason for the danger. He wasn't brave enough to choose you over his Death Eater friends, and for that, he's a fool."

What Remus said reaffirmed Lily's own opinion, but she still seemed to be wavering a bit. Lily, more than anyone Remus had ever met, had always been able to see the good in people, and she was struggling to decide if this was worth holding on to. But this was something she could no longer ignore.

"It was you who made the choice to stop being friends, wasn't it?" Remus continued. "You must have had a real reason for that, after being friends for so many years."

Lily thought about it for a few moments, and then nodded. "It was because - because he's so hung up on Voldemort. He tried to continue being my friend, but I couldn't understand it. He was still so kind, and yet he was getting involved in something where I would be his enemy. I tried to tell myself that the reason he still tried to be friends with me was because I was more important to him than all this. But - but then he called me a 'mudblood' one day, and then I realized the truth. That I didn't come before Voldemort. I was just the same to him as every other Muggle born."

"You took a stand and decided that you would fight against Voldemort. You have people who truly care about you now, people who will be protecting you and fighting at your side. And I know… I know these people accept you, no matter what you are."

Lily sat down beside Remus on the bed. "You're right," she said, almost to herself. "I made the right choice. What he said about Sirius shows how little he values friendship. He's proven it before – the only person he cares about is himself."

Lily pulled Snape's letter out of her bag and unfolded it. Remus watched her face as she read it. Her eyes lingered ever so slightly on the ' _Always_ ' at the end, and then she swiftly crumpled it up.

Remus started, almost moving to stop her, but she lobbed the crumpled letter across the room and into the rubbish bin. "That's what it is, rubbish. The things he tried to say to me…" Lily shook her head. "Of course it's dangerous. He's right, isn't he, about it being dangerous to be friends with Sirius?"

"It's true that Voldemort is after him, and that by being friends with him you're risking being targeted by Voldemort," Remus said, trying to keep his voice level. This was disturbing to think about, though Remus had known it for some time, and it wasn't the reason why Remus struggled to stay calm. Talking with Lily had taken his mind off Sirius for a moment, but now the feelings came flooding back. It was hard to speak neutrally of Sirius when his feelings were so tumultuous.

"Exactly," Lily said, "That's just the times that we're living in. And it's worth it, isn't it? What the Order is doing makes it worth risking danger. Being friends with Sirius is no different than being friends with any of the other Order members."

Remus could feel the twisting emotions about Sirius clawing at his chest and pushing towards the edge. He tried to hold back, but the words were spilling out before Remus could stop himself. "I think – I think it is dangerous to be friends with Sirius. He's rash, he's childish, and he doesn't think before he acts. You saw the way he acted towards Filch the other night. His temper gets away with him, he makes no effort to control it, and he risks everyone's necks with the stupid things he does."

Lily stared at Remus, obviously shocked at how harshly he had spoken of Sirius. But it was true, every word of it.

"I don't want to say all the things he's done, but he's gotten into a lot of trouble from Dumbledore, and he's still pushing the rules. He thinks he's being treated unfairly and he refuses to just do as he's told."

"But Sirius is a good friend, and he's loyal and he cares about the people he loves," Lily insisted.

"But that doesn't take away from the fact that he's insolent and childish. The way he thinks of Dumbledore, the way he arrogantly and heedlessly disregards Dumbledore, is unbearable."

"I can't believe you're saying this."

Remus sighed heavily. "I'm happy that Sirius is working for the Order, but I just wish he'd stop being so stupid,"

Remus expected that Lily would continue her defence of Sirius' character, or just stare at Remus in disbelief, so he was surprised to find her smiling at him.

There was a sudden crash as the dormitory door burst open and James marched in. He stopped when he saw Remus and Lily sitting together on the bed, and he pointed at them dramatically.

"Oi, Lupin! What would your boyfriend say if he caught you in bed with my girlfriend?" James demanded. His voice was accusing, but there was humour in it: James trusted both Lily and Remus entirely.

"Boyfriend?" Lily asked, giggling.

"James!" Remus scolded. He had enough qualms about telling James and Peter that he was dating a man, but he didn't want anyone else to know. Still, he couldn't help but find James' dramatics amusing.

"It's true, it's true!" James laughed happily, "Remus is in _looove._ Isn't Remus just full of surprises?"

"No," Lily said.

"No? You're not shocked?" James asked. He was clearly disappointed that his great reveal hadn't had the intended effects. Remus looked at her curiously as well, surprised at what she said. How had she figured it out?

"No," Lily said again with a smile, "Girls have a way of knowing these things."

***

It was an hour until moonrise. The well-wishes that James and Peter had offered as Remus left the dormitory were barely registered amid Remus' chaotic thoughts. He was never fully himself in the hours before the transformation, but today had been worse than usual. He felt like the walls were closing in around him as he stalked towards the Entrance Hall. He was so angry right now that he couldn't even think about Sirius without grinding his teeth and digging his fingernails into his palms. The Order patrol for his transformation had just crossed his mind a few hours ago. He hoped, _hoped_ that Sirius was still angry enough that he didn't want to be near Remus and had asked one of the other Order members to be on patrol duty. Remus didn't think he would be able to stand the sight of Sirius right now.

An intense flare of anger ripped through Remus when he reached the Entrance Hall and saw Sirius waiting for him by the front door.

" _No,_ " Remus said. He couldn't bear to be around Sirius right now, especially not for this.

"It's too late, Lupin. Let's go," Sirius said coldly, motioning for Remus to start making his way out the front door.

"No," Remus repeated, not moving. "I'm not going with you. Send your Patronus for someone else."

Sirius roughly took Remus by the elbow and led him out the front door. Remus jerked his arm away but he didn't stop walking or turn back. He knew there really wasn't enough time to arrange for a different patrol, so he just gritted his teeth and forced himself to imagine that Sirius wasn't there. It was difficult to control his anger when the wolf was this close under his skin, but Remus didn't have any other options right now.

They crossed the darkening grounds and passed into the passageway beneath the Whomping Willow. There was tense silence between them as they walked to the Shrieking Shack, though Remus wouldn't be able to talk even if he wasn't maddeningly furious at Sirius right now. Remus focused on his breathing and tried to calm himself. His skin prickled and his hair stood on end. The wolf was waiting.

Finally they reached the Shrieking Shack. The transformation was now only minutes away, and Remus stalked back and forth in the upstairs room. His skin was crawling like millions of tiny spiders and the air felt so stifling that he could hardly breathe.

Remus ignored Sirius and began pulling off his outer robes and clothing, tossing them into a haphazard heap on the floor. Once naked, he gathered up the discarded clothing and tossed the pile into a magically locking cabinet that would seal off the scent of the fabric. He had long ago learned that the smell of human on the clothing would drive the wolf mad.

"Get out," he said over his shoulder to Sirius.

Sirius didn't move. He stood with his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall, watching Remus with cold eyes.

Remus rounded on him, anger boiling over. "Stop being so stubborn, get out! I meant what I said, you really do act like such a child, always sulking when you don't get your way."

"And you really act like such a goody two-shoes prefect. You just do what you're told, even if it hurts your friends," Sirius retorted. His voice was level but there was an underlying current of restrained emotion in it.

"Of course I didn't tell you, Dumbledore told me-"

"And following the rules is always the first thing on your mind," Sirius said. He was becoming angry now as well, and his voice was rising in agitation. "I should have known right from the start that following the rules would win out over me. It's always been that way, even though _I_ should be more important than what Dumbledore says."

It was difficult for Remus to hold himself back when he could already feel the wolf's bloodlust rippling through his veins. He wanted to lash out at Sirius right now, to use the claws that were _so close_ under his fingers, but he forced himself to keep his distance. "Telling you would have just made you run out and do something stupid. You've proven than you can't be trusted."

That comment had a clear effect on Sirius, and he moved forward at once. " _That I can't be trusted!”_ he shouted, shoving Remus in challenge. There was no more restraint in his voice, and he wasn't holding anything back. "At least I'm loyal to the people I love-"

"You still act like a child!" Remus growled. He wouldn't be able to hold back for much longer. "Now get out."

Sirius shoved him again, and the wolf was too close – suddenly Remus was no longer himself, and he could no longer hold back the rage. The wolf responded and Remus lashed out at Sirius without restraint, feeling the crunch of bone under his fist. Sirius was knocked backwards and landed heavily against the wall. His hand clutched at his nose and he stared up at Remus in shock, blood dripping out between his fingers

Remus could feel how close the transformation was. His skin was on fire and his whole body was trembling uncontrollably. The sight and smell of blood at this time was too much.

"Get _OUT._ "

The voice didn't even sound human anymore. With a look of sheer horror on his face, Sirius finally scrambled from the room.

Remus watched the door close as the transformation began, and then all thought was lost as his skin give way to teeth, claws, and bloodlust.

***

Slowly the fog receded and Remus drifted into wakefulness. His bones ached, his muscles screamed in pain, and he felt utterly exhausted. The pain was overwhelming and it blurred his vision so that he almost wondered if he was lying in a cloud of mist.

Through the mist a figure appeared. It was a shape Remus recognized. The person approached, and though Remus couldn't focus his eyes on the face, he knew it was Sirius. At this time of complete and utter exhaustion, Remus could only bring to mind the purest, deepest emotion he felt towards Sirius, and his aching heart swelled in joy to see someone he cared about so much. The pain made him feel detached from the transient emotions that had plagued him recently and all that was left was what was truly rooted in his heart. Sirius' face was still a blur, but his very presence seemed to warm Remus.

"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered. He was hurriedly pulling off his cloak and he wrapped it around Remus' trembling shoulders. "I'm sorry."

"Shh," Remus managed to say. Nothing else mattered than the feel of Sirius' hands on him, warming him and rearranging his limbs to make him more comfortable. The mist was receding now, but even the dim dawn light coming from the window burned Remus' eyes and he couldn't look at Sirius. Still, Sirius' presence was reassuring, and despite the pain Remus was in, despite everything that had happened between them , Remus felt so peaceful right now. Even the full moons would be bearable if only he could always wake up to Sirius at his side like this.

Sirius stayed beside him, stroking his face soothingly with warm hands. Remus closed his eyes and focused on the feel of that warmth instead of the searing pain that was ripping through his body. He was unbearably exhausted and he just wanted to sleep, but the pain wouldn't let him rest.

He couldn't tell how long it was before he felt another presence enter the room as Madam Pomfrey finally arrived. A new set of hands were on his face, and they tipped his head back so that a pain-relief potion could be poured down his throat to let his body finally gave in to exhaustion and sleep.

***

The hospital wing slowly came into focus. Remus blinked to try to clear the aching heaviness from his eyes. James and Peter sat beside the bed, which told Remus that he hadn't been out for too long if they had arrived before Monday morning classes. They smiled at Remus when they noticed he was awake.

"Morning, Remus."

Remus managed to smile weakly in return. No matter how miserable he always felt after the full moon, he was still thankful that his friends cared about him enough to come visit him, even though Remus wasn't able to do much more than lay there pathetically.

"We still have a few minutes before classes start. Think you can hop out of bed and make it to Transfigurations with us?" James said teasingly. Remus laughed at the ridiculous of the suggestion. Right now he felt so exhausted that he didn't think he could even stand, though this type of light-hearted joking always helped to lighten his mood. He really didn't want to imagine what it would be like if he didn't have friends like James and Peter.

Sirius appeared at that moment as he stepped around the partition with a bouquet of roses in hand. He was smiling at Remus, but he quickly jumped back behind the partition when he saw James and Peter.

He hadn't been quick enough, though, and James had spotted him.

"Sirius?" James called.

There was a moment of hesitation before Sirius stepped back into the makeshift room, still holding the bouquet.

"Morning!" he said cheerfully.

"Flowers? Peter and I are going to have to start trying a lot harder with our efforts to cheer you up in the morning!" James laughed.

Remus could sense the slightest hint of fear of being caught in Sirius' movements, but then Sirius grinned. "That's right," he said, making a great show of laying the flowers on the bedside table, "And this is only the beginning, just wait until the dancing girls arrive as well. There isn't an ailment in the world that can't be cured by dancing girls."

They all laughed at the jest, and Remus suspected that he was the only one who noticed how carefully Sirius had placed the flowers so that the attached tag was hidden from James and Peter.

"Thank you," Remus said to Sirius. His heart felt so much lighter at seeing such a happy look on Sirius' face. He then turned to James and Peter. "But really James, I know you're just joking about that, but even that you come to visit me means so much to me."

"Shouldn't you be getting to class?" Sirius asked, also turning to James and Peter.

"Shouldn't _you_ be getting to class?" James countered.

Sirius raised his chin. "I'm allowed special professor privileges," he said haughtily. This probably wasn't true, but James and Peter were already gathering their bags and leaving.

"See you later, Remus!" Peter called. James made a face at Sirius before they disappeared around the edge of the partition.

Remus suddenly felt nervous to be here alone with Sirius. After everything between them, it seemed strange to be sitting so quietly without anger and tension sizzling in the air. Remus' memories of last night before the transformation were hazy, though he felt certain that something had happened. He could see it in Sirius, too, an uncertain hesitation before Sirius sat down on the edge of Remus' bed and turned to face him.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, "I really am."

"No, I'm sorry," Remus insisted. He was the one who had caused all of this. He didn't even know how to put this into words. "I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have done any of this. I should have thought more about how what I was doing would affect you," he said futilely. There was nothing he could say that could make up for everything he had done. "I should have trusted you..."

It wasn't the most eloquent apology and it didn't even make up for half of what Remus had done, but Sirius seemed to understand. He smiled at Remus, and Remus' chest felt tight at the sight of Sirius' grey eyes so full of love. Gently, Sirius leaned down to brush his lips against Remus'. Remus raised a weak, shaking hand and stroked Sirius' cheek reverently. The kiss was brief, just the lightest touch of lips, but it meant the world to Remus.

Sirius took Remus' hand where is rested on his cheek and held it. "You have nothing to apologize to me for. And you did have a point with what you said. Once again I proved it – wasn't what I did last night stupid and impulsive? I was so strongly driven by my own feelings that I wouldn't listen to you, and the transformation was starting before I even left. I was gone before it really started, but I heard… I heard the sounds…" Sirius gulped. "The agony… it was your voice, and then it was…"

Cold fear suddenly washed over Remus. His thoughts hadn't gone as far to realize that Sirius knew what Remus had tried so hard to hide. Sirius hadn't seen the wolf, but the sounds were horrible enough to convey the wolf's true nature. Remus swallowed against the lump that had formed in his throat. This was it.

But oddly, there was no disgust in Sirius' face, and he hadn't pulled away from Remus' hand.

"While I was patrolling, all I could think of was that... that my problems are nothing compared to what you deal with. That there's more to life than just complaining about what I can't do. I'm sorry I was so cruel to you."

Sirius' eyes were lowered and he turned away. Remus noticed something strange in his face, in the shape of his profile. There was something different about his nose, like it was swollen or bruised.

The memories suddenly came back to Remus. At first, he hadn't been able to remember it. It had been so close before his transformation that it nearly faded into the blackness. But now he could remember it in sickening detail. The crunch of bone, the dripping blood, and the horrified look in Sirius' eyes. "I-I hurt you," Remus said, his voice breaking.

"You weren't yourself, and I was stupid to press you at a time like that," Sirius said. He had turned back to face Remus, but now it was Remus who couldn't bear to look him in the eye.

"I hurt you," Remus repeated. "It's swollen, I can see. I broke your nose when I hit you..." Remus glanced down at his own hand, half worried that he'd still see Sirius' blood there, and then he felt sick when he realized that, if Sirius' blood had been on his hands, the wolf would have eagerly lapped it up.

"A broken nose is no problem. I managed to fix most of it up myself, and Madam Pomfrey put it back perfectly as it was, good as new. Just a bit swollen and that will be gone in a couple of days. And besides, I hope I'm right in thinking that you see more in me than just a pretty face." Sirius paused, fingers touching the side of his swollen nose, before he seemed to realize their situation and a grin spread across his face. "' _Grandmama, what a big nose you have!_ '"

Remus laughed at the fairy-tale reference, and he was glad that Sirius could joke about something like this. Their position here did suit the fairy-tale, as the person in bed before Sirius really was a wolf. But this wasn't a disguise meant to deceive. Sirius had seen the wolf – had seen more of Remus at that point of the transformation than anyone had ever seen before. And despite what he had seen, Sirius was still here beside Remus, looking like there was nowhere else he'd rather be than at a werewolf's side.

"Sirius... I promise, there'll be no more secrets between us," Remus said earnestly. After what he had seen of Sirius today, there was no way that Remus could ever do anything to endanger the trust between them again.

Sirius smiled and stroked Remus' hand. "And I promise I'll listen to you, and I'll think about what I'm doing. I'll think about what's really important. No more fighting or complaining."

"I'm sorry I was so ignorant about how you feel. I know it's hard for you being cooped up this castle, and it's no wonder you're so miserable," Remus said. He would be more understanding about this now.

"Not entirely miserable. I did meet someone quite wonderful after all."

How did it happen that Remus should be so lucky to find someone like this? After worrying for so long that he had lost everything between them, he had Sirius at his side again. They had finally settled their differences, broken down the barriers between them, and now they were ready to face the future together.

"Unfortunately, I have to be going to class now. But… but do you forgive me?" Sirius stroked Remus' hand, looking at him hopefully.

Remus smiled up at him. "Of course."

The look of happiness on Sirius' face was one that Remus would never forget.

It was much later in the day, nearly time for supper, when Remus started getting dressed to leave the hospital wing. He picked up the flowers Sirius had left for him. He had completely forgotten about the attached tag, and he turned the attached tag so that he could read it. In Sirius' neat handwriting were simply the words " _Love you._ "

This, too, was something Remus would never forget. He tucked the tag safely in his pocket to keep near to him and he left the hospital wing with the bouquet in hand.


	19. Chapter 19

"Remus. Remus, wake up."

A hand on Remus' shoulder was shaking him awake. His eyes slowly blinked opened; he hadn't realized he had closed them. He had come to the library earlier to revise for NEWTs and he must have accidentally fallen asleep.

Remus lifted his head from his Arthimathy textbook and turned to blearily look up at Lily, who still had her hand on his shoulder.

"The library is closing for the night. We have to leave," she said.

Remus glanced around the library. The torches had already been dimmed and Remus and Lily were the only two students left. Madam Pince was peering at them from behind the checkout desk, waiting for them to leave.

After rubbing at his bleary eyes, Remus stood and hurriedly gathered his books into his bag. Lily waited for him and they left the library together.

"I noticed you had nodded off and I wondered if I should wake you, but you looked so exhausted earlier that I thought it was best if I let you sleep," Lily said as they walked.

Remus stifled a yawn. The cool air of the corridor wasn't doing much to wake him. "Thanks. Probably the best thing to do. I don't know how I'm going to stay awake for prefects' duties tonight," he said. The full moon had been only two nights ago and he always found it difficult when his prefects' duties were scheduled so close to his transformation. It often took a few days for his exhausted body to recover and he still didn't feel fully rested.

They stopped at the junction where the corridor split between the routes that led to Gryffindor Tower and to the East Wing, where Remus would be patrolling tonight.

"I could take your shift for you," Lily offered.

Remus blinked, surprised by the offer. "Oh, no, it's fine," he said.

"I insist, Remus. You're not in any state to do prefects' duties when you're so exhausted. These last couple of days must have been tough for you, and you really need to get some rest."

Something about the way Lily said that startled Remus. What was so specific about these last couple of days that they had stood out to her? He suddenly felt the edges of the nervousness that always came when someone brought up lycanthropy. "Yeah, NEWTs are coming up," he offered as an explanation.

"I insist that you let me take your shift. You don't have the energy for it."

Remus would have politely declined again, but really, he was so relieved by Lily's offer and he didn't have the energy to protest. "Thanks, Lily. That would be great."

Lily smiled at him. "No problem. You just get some sleep and try to feel better."

Again, this didn't sit right with Remus. He was very clearly exhausted and he knew it showed in his face, but what did Lily think that he had to recover from? Remus' throat tightened at the thought. "Yeah, I'm exhausted. I've just been staying up too late and studying. I'll just get back to the dormitories and go to bed," he said, trying to steer the conversation away from where he thought it was leading.

Lily fixed him with a steely look.

"Remus, I know."

Her green eyes were firm and resolute. She had said in such a direct, serious tone that Remus immediately knew that there was only one thing she could be talking about.

"There's nothing to know," Remus said quickly. Realizing that that may have sounded too obvious, he corrected himself with asking, "Know what?"

Lily had turned away from him, and instead she seemed to be very focused on her shoes. "I know why you're so tired. I know what it means..." she said quietly. "I know that you're a... a werewolf..."

Remus felt like a bucket of cold water had been dumped over his head. His heart was pounding, but his body felt numb. He had to struggle to keep himself from immediately bolting in the opposite direction.

"Right," he said. He tried to keep his voice flat, but it just sounded hollow. "I'll keep away from you, then. I won't bother you anymore."

Lily was still staring at the ground. Remus swallowed heavily and turned to walk away as calmly as his tired, trembling legs would let him, but she caught his arm to stop him.

"I remember," she said quietly, "I remember how Severus used to insist on it, but I couldn't believe that someone as kind as you was actually... was actually a werewolf. I just couldn't believe it. Even now, I still didn't want to believe it, but then I realized that – no matter what, you're still the same person. No matter what, you're still the same great friend you've always been. And being a werewolf doesn't change that."

"Lily," Remus said flatly. He still couldn't turn to face her. "If it makes you uncomfortable, I'll leave you alone. You don't have to pretend to be okay with it if you're really not. I won't force you to-"

"Remus, look at me."

Slowly, Remus turned to face her. She had finally looked up from the ground, and the look in her eyes was so open and honest that it almost startled Remus.

"Whatever you are, it doesn't matter. Because most importantly, you're my friend," she said genuinely. "I wasn't sure how I could talk to you about this – I knew it would scare you, and, well, to be honest, it scared me a bit at first too. But that's the problem, isn't it? That the problem with this world, is that people _do_ think like that. And now I see how wrong it is. _Anyone_ who met you would see that. I know it might not feel like that to you, but honestly, Remus, your friends truly care for you, and those are the only voices you should listen to."

Remus didn't even know how to respond. He opened his mouth to try to say how thankful he way, and how lucky he felt to have such a good friend, and about how the gods must have be absolutely mental to have given him the good fortune to meet so many wonderful and accepting people in his life, but he didn't know how he could ever express such gratitude. "T-thank you," he managed to say, hoping it would be enough.

"You just remember that, always," she said. Her hand was still holding his arm, and she slid it down to gently squeeze his hand before dropping it. "But for now you need to get to bed. You look like you're about ready to collapse."

Remus nodded. "Thank you," he said again. He still felt like this could hardly be real. Lily waved goodbye and Remus turned to walk back to Gryffindor Tower.

But it seemed that Lily wasn't finished yet. "Aha!" Remus heard her say from behind him. He stopped and turned around. She held a small white paper in her fingers, and Remus immediately recognized it as the ' _Love you_ ' tag that Sirius had given him with the flowers at the last full moon. He had placed it in his wallet for safekeeping and so that he would always have it close to him, but it had seemingly slipped out somehow, and Lily had just picked it up off the ground. She held it up triumphantly. "I know what this about as well," she said.

The familiar feeling of panic returned to Remus and his first reaction was to vehemently deny everything, but he forced himself to stay calm. There was no name on the tag and there was no way for Lily to know who it was from.

"That's right, you already know from that conversation we had in the dormitory a few days ago. James told you that I have a boyfriend," Remus said, making it sound like he was reluctantly admitting a deep secret.

"James didn't tell me anything. I figured it out myself. You and Sirius."

There was a keen look in Lily's eyes, and Remus' blood ran cold.

"How... I mean... _no,_ " he stammered. He couldn't decide if he wanted to try to deny it or to turn in the other direction and flee, and in his state of shock all he could do was stand there staring at Lily with his mouth hanging open.

Lily laughed at the look on his face. "I wasn't sure how I would bring this up with you. I was shocked at first, but now that I've thought about it more it's not so strange. He is a teacher, but-"

" _Shh!_ " Remus hissed. He nervously glanced around the corridor. There was no one around, but he quickly pulled Lily into an empty classroom for privacy.

"It's dangerous, you know. Do you have any idea what would happen if Dumbledore found out about you two?"

"Dumbledore already knows," Remus said. This was such a secretive matter that he was practically whispering even though they were alone. "And he said we have to keep it _absolutely secret._ You can't tell anyone."

Lily's jaw dropped. "Even James and Peter don't know?"

"No, they don't, and I would rather it stay that way."

"Your secrets are safe with me," she said.

Remus sighed and raked his hand though his hair. He was lucky that Lily understood the need for secrecy, but it still made him uncomfortable that she knew. "How did you figure it out?" he asked. He and Sirius had always been so careful to keep their affairs private. Lily had often seen them both together while in a group with James and Peter, but there was nothing that Remus and Sirius did there that could make Lily realized the truth.

"I could tell last week when you were talking to me about him," Lily said with a knowing smile. "I know what it's like to rant and rave someone you supposedly detest, but secretly love. You think I can't recognize it? Think of all those years James spend chasing me. I didn't exactly think as lowly of him as I pretended to."

Remus stared at her. He shook his head in disbelief. "That... that's ridiculous. How could you figure that out?" he asked. Remus really did have a clever friend, and more than that, he had a true friend, one who had just proved again that she was one of the kindest people he had ever met.

Lily just grinned at him. "Girls have a way of knowing these things."

***

The fifth of May wasn't a date of any widespread importance, but to James and Lily, it was a day that needed to be celebrated. For it was on this day three years ago that Lily had first cast a bat-bogey hex on James. It was quite an unusual thing to celebrate, but James now professed that this was the exact moment he had fallen in love with her, and has thus arranged a special romantic evening for the two of them to commemorate the event.

This left Remus and Peter on their own for the evening, which really should have been a good opportunity to study for the steadily approaching NEWTs, but on a Friday night after a week of just that, neither Remus nor Peter felt like doing more work. Luckily, Sirius felt much the same, so Remus and Peter joined him in his office for the evening.

Remus still felt awkward from his conversation with Lily a few days ago, and now being around another person while he was with Sirius made him feel uncomfortable and conspicuous. But Remus reasoned with himself that Peter and James were the friends who knew the most about him, and if they hadn't picked up anything unusual between Remus and Sirius yet then Remus probably didn't need to worry about it quite as much.

Tonight, Sirius had borrowed a photo album from Hagrid that contained, among other things, photographs of some of the Order members. Remus and Peter sat on either side of Sirius at his desk while Sirius flipped through the photographs and explained who the people were.

"This is Kingsley Shacklebolt," Sirius said, pointing to the tall black man who had his arm slung around Sirius in the photograph. It looked like it was taken a few years ago, and both Sirius and Kingsley were wearing Auror uniforms. "We worked together for quite a few years. Like me, Kingsley also quit working for Ministry to work for the Order fulltime."

The next photograph was of two redheads perched on Sirius' motorbike, each with identical mischievous grins, with Hagrid in the background. "These two are Fabian and Gideon Prewett," Sirius explained. "They'd give even you pranksters a run for your money, but I would hate to be in the place of any Death Eater stuck facing them."

Remus paid attention and tried to remember the names of all the Order members. Kingsley Shacklebolt, Fabian and Gideon Prewett, Dorcas Meadowes, Degalus Diggle... It was strange to think that they would soon be joining these people in the fight against Voldemort.

A knock at the door interrupted them. "Come in," Sirius called, and a moment later the door opened to reveal Slughorn smiling jovially.

"Good evening Sirius, Lannigan, Patlegrove," Slughorn said, greeting them all. At least, Remus assumed that 'Lannigan' and 'Patlegrove' applied to he and Peter. Slughorn had butchered their names so horribly that he could have been talking to anyone.

Slughorn waddled across the room and took a seat in the chair across from Sirius desk. Remus couldn't help but notice the subtle sag in Sirius shoulders at Slughorn's appearance. A visit from Slughorn usually meant that Sirius was about to be invited to yet another Slug Club party.

As expected, Slughorn had focused his attention completely on Sirius. "Sirius, I have something I'd like to speak to you about," he said in his friendly, booming voice.

The way he completely ignored Remus and Peter made it seem that it didn't matter if they stayed or left, but Remus thought it would be best to let these teachers talk privately. "We'll leave you then," Remus said. He stood to leave, and Peter followed his example.

"It's about my next Slug Club party," Slughorn continued without acknowledging what Remus had said.

At once Sirius grabbed Remus and Peter by the back of their robes and pulled them back into their chairs.

"Stay! You can stay," Sirius said hoarsely, keeping a tight grip on the back of their robes to prevent them from fleeing.

Remus almost laughed. He knew Sirius was hoping that the presence of Remus and Peter would persuade Slughorn to leave more quickly, and thus allow Sirius to offer an easier excuse for why he 'couldn't make it' to the Slug Club party.

Slughorn looked at Remus and Peter quizzically, but didn't seem perturbed by their presence. "Well, alright," Slughorn said unaffectedly. "Sirius, I'm sorry to say this, but I'm actually going to have to warn you against coming to my upcoming party next weekend. I've sent a letter off inviting your brother to come, and-"

The reaction from Sirius was immediate and furious. " _What?_ " he shouted. He had leapt to his feet quick as lightning and his fist pounded down on the desk in anger.

The sudden violent reaction made both Remus and Peter jump, but Slughorn seemed to be quite calm about it.

"Ah yes, there's that famous Black temper!" he said, as if we were a seasoned explorer who had just had just witnessed the mating dance of an exotic bird. "I assumed that would be your reaction. I know your relationship with your family, so I thought it would best to warn you that he might be attending,"

"Why would you invite him?" Sirius growled. His voice was practically dripping with venom and he was glaring at Slughorn furiously. Remus watched him nervously - it seemed like he was about to fly across the table to attack Slughorn.

"He was one of my favourite pupils. I'm interesting in finding out what he's up to these days."

"What he's - do you _know_ what he's up to?" Sirius growled. The memory of his recent discovery of Regulus' allegiance to Voldemort was still fresh in Sirius mind, and it never failed to drive up his temper.

"Great things, I should imagine. I've never yet met a Black who hasn't gone on to be successful," Slughorn said hopefully.

" _Successful?_ Maybe if your definition of success is working for -"

Remus grabbed the back of Sirius' robes and tugged on them sharply to stop him. " _Sit down!_ " he hissed. Sirius sat heavily in his chair, fists still clenched tightly on the desk. Slughorn peered at him cautiously, but continued.

"So, Sirius, I came to warn you that you may not want to attend. I know you aren't on the best terms with your family, and though I do take the utmost care to make sure my guests are comfortable, I don't know if there's much I could do in this situation to ease the tensions between you two."

"Well, I will be going to your party," Sirius growled. "And I hope you've written to Regulus to tell him that his _dear_ brother is a teacher at the school, and this party will undoubtedly give us a chance to _reconnect._ "

Slughorn looked conflicted. He seemed pleased that Sirius had agreed to come to his party, but he also knew that Sirius' presence there would greatly lessen the chance that Regulus would show up. "Yes, this may be a good idea," Slughorn said reluctantly. "I'll write to Regulus and let him know, and then he may decide if he would like to come. Though as I said, I'll understand if you don't want to attend."

"I assure you, Horace, you can count on my being there," Sirius declared.

"Very well," Slughorn sighed, stuck somewhere between pleased and disappointed. He stood from his chair and smiled at them. "Well, I'll leave you gentlemen to get back to your discussions. Goodnight." Finally, Slughorn left the office.

It was quite clear that Sirius was boiling with rage. His face had gone red and his knuckles were white as his tightly clenched fists sat on the desk. Remus recognized what was about to happen, but Peter seemed to be watching Sirius like he was a bomb about to go off.

"Sirius..." Remus said tentatively.

Sirius' fist slammed down again, rattling the ink bottles on the desk. " _How_ could Slughorn invite him? How could he do that?"

Peter jumped, and Remus winced. "Slughorn isn't an Order member. He hasn't taken a side and he's free to associate with whomever he chooses."

"But Regulus is a Death Eater! It's a danger to the Order and the school to be inviting him here."

"That's true, but we already have a few Death Eaters in the school even without Regulus here," Remus said. Snape's Dark Mark had been seen by Sirius himself, and there were strong suspicious about some of the other Slytherins as well. "They're more of a danger than Regulus is."

Sirius shook his head. "But it's..."

"Hey, Sirius. It's just for a party. Having a Death Eater over for that isn't going to lose the war," Peter said pacifyingly. He was trying to calm Sirius' anger, but Sirius turned to him lividly.

"Don't you understand? _One_ little slip of information, one secret slips out, and Voldemort could find out about the Order. What would happen then?"

"Calm down," Remus said. He laid his hand on Sirius' shoulder to sooth him, which seemed to calm Sirius somewhat. "We don't know for sure if Regulus will come, and there's not much that can be done about it for now, short of telling Dumbledore."

Remus felt guilty; it seemed like he was always telling Sirius this same thing, even though he knew it was little comfort to Sirius. But Sirius' face showed that he had already made up his mind.

"I'm going to that party," Sirius said. "If Regulus knows what's good for him, he won't show his face anywhere near here."

***

It was never a good sign when Sirius offered to cook. It had been almost half an hour ago when Sirius had offered to make lunch for the two of them and had disappeared into the kitchen. Since then, Remus had sat on the couch in the front room and finished one of Sirius' crossword puzzles as he listened to the increasingly colourful language coming from the kitchen. There was no denying it; Remus probably wouldn't be eating lunch today.

Finally Sirius emerged, empty handed and with a smudge of soot on his cheek. "No lunch," he grunted.

Remus smirked at him. "If I keep spending meals with you, I'm going to wither away into dust."

"It's a risk I'm willing to take. I'll have to take every chance I have to fatten you up with-" Sirius' face suddenly lit up. "Oh, I _do_ have something for you, actually." He hurried back into the kitchen. "I have something from Slughorn's party last night that's not quite to my taste, but is definitely to yours."

Sirius returned to the room carrying a small gold box tied with a ribbon, and he set it in front of Remus. Remus immediately recognized the seal of a famed Belgian chocolate maker. He could smell the aroma of the chocolates inside the box and his mouth was already watering as he lifted the lid to find the selection of smooth, rich chocolates within. Chocolate may be a weakness of his, but it was one that he had absolutely no desire to correct. He had picked up a dark chocolate and brought it to his mouth without even consciously thinking about it. He almost moaned in pleasure as the rich dark chocolate and cherry filling spilled over his tongue.

Sirius laughed at the rapturous look on Remus' face. "At least one of us got some enjoyment from last night."

Remus grinned at him. "I think you'll have to go to Slughorn's parties more often if this is what you bring back."

"The hardships one must bear to be in love with a chocolate addicted freak!" Sirius teased, laying his hand over his forehead melodramatically. "I don't know if I could stomach another of those parties. I think this will be the last one. Last night I was stuck talking to a batty old warlock for most of the night." Sirius wrinkled his nose at the memory. "Half the time he seemed to think I was my father, kept calling me 'Orion'." Sirius' nose wrinkled even further in disgust.

This triggered Remus' memory and he paused from his chocolate devouring. "Was Regulus there?" he asked.

Sirius snorted. "Of course he wasn't. After Slughorn told him that I was attending, Regulus probably tucked his tail between his legs and ran in the other direction."

"Just as you expected."

"That's right. He's a coward, always has been. Has always done exactly what he's told, never stood up for himself, and that's exactly what happened here."

Remus watched Sirius' face. Sirius had his eyes fixed on the wall and seemed to be glaring at some far off place. "Would you have really hurt him?" Remus asked.

Sirius glanced at him. "What do you mean?"

"I know you didn't want him here, but if he had come, I can't imagine you would have done anything to hurt him."

"He's a Death Eater," Sirius said flatly.

"But he's also your brother."

Sirius waved his hand dismissively, though Remus could tell from the rising colour in his face that this was affecting him more than he would like to let on. "I gave that up long ago. Blood is meaningless."

There was silence between them for a moment. Remus could tell that Sirius was annoyed with him for asking this, but was more so annoyed at himself. He sighed heavily. "Why do you always have to do this? I don't want to talk about this."

Remus studied the hard look on Sirius' face. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"I don't want to," Sirius grunted.

"Okay," Remus said with a sigh. "What do you want to talk about instead?"

"How you're going to repay me."

Remus glanced at Sirius. Sirius was still struggling to keep a flat expression, but a smile was tugging at his lips. "Repay you for what?"

"For cooking lunch for you."

Remus laughed. "So this is lunch?" he asked, holding up the box of chocolates. He picked up a shell chocolate and pushed it towards Sirius' mouth.

"Urrg! Keep those away from me!" Sirius yelped, twisting away and pushing Remus' arm back.

Remus laughed and popped the chocolate into his own mouth. He had known that Sirius didn't like chocolate very much, but he hadn't expected such an extreme reaction. "These are absolutely amazing, I can't believe you don't like them. You must be insane."

" _Obviously,_ " Sirius said with a self-satisfied smirk. "But you still haven't figured out a way to repay me."

"Oh, alright. What is it that you like?" Remus pondered aloud, feigning innocence. "I seem to recall you have some interest in motorbikes..."

"The sight of you in a leather jacket might just do the trick," Sirius said contemplatively.

"I _suppose_ I could wear it for you," Remus sighed. "It will be such a hardship, but I suppose I must."

"But then again," Sirius said as the smirk on his face broadened, "it will be hours before it's dark enough to out on the bike, and I'm not a man who likes to be kept waiting. In fact, I'd like to collect on this payment immediately."

"Oh?" Remus asked, catching on to what Sirius was hinting at. He reached over to run his hand up Sirius' thigh and traced along the edge of Sirius' belt with his fingertips before he shifted over to straddle Sirius' legs. He leaned in towards Sirius to kiss him and Sirius closed his eyes, but Remus stopped mere millimetres away from Sirius' lips.

"Is this what you had in mind?" he whispered.

" _Exactly._ "

Remus continued his slow seduction, kissing Sirius slowly and deeply as he continued running his hands over Sirius' hips and groin. The heat radiating off Sirius' body never failed to make Remus want more of his skin, and now it inspired Remus to work Sirius' body even harder as he caressed and undressed him. Sirius managed to unbuttoned the top buttons of Remus' shirt before Remus' attentions became so overwhelming that Sirius just leaned back and let himself be ravished, hands reaching up to tangle in Remus' hair.

Remus didn't think that hands in his hair could feel so good, but the gentle tugging and pulling that seemed to be almost unconscious on Sirius' part was driving him wild. The hands disappeared briefly as Remus pulled Sirius' shirt over his head, but immediately returned to pull Remus against him for another deep, hungry kiss.

The expression on Sirius' face was absolutely blissful as Remus stroked them together – eyes closed, lips parted, head thrown back and exposing his long, pale neck. Remus licked that neck and felt the movements of Sirius' throat as his panting became shorter and more guttural. The building tension was tangible in every part of Sirius' body that Remus touched. Every inch of hot skin seemed to thrum with it, and Remus felt more than heard Sirius cry out as his body tensed as he came. Remus followed a moment later, burying his face in Sirius' neck as he spilled himself over Sirius' chest, and then slumping against Sirius' shoulder and holding him close.

They were quiet for a while as their breathing slowed and returned to normal. Remus was still perched in Sirius' lap with his arms around Sirius' shoulders and his face pressed into Sirius' soft hair, burying himself in the scent as his world came back into proper focus. Finally Sirius turned Remus' head with his fingertips and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

"Payment accepted," he chuckled, moving back and arranging them so that Sirius lay on his back and Remus was tucked between his side and the back of the couch. . Sirius had one arm wrapped around Remus' waist and the other lay across his own chest so that his fingers were still entwined in Remus' hair. Remus sighed contentedly at the feeling and curled closer against Sirius.

Remus had the perfect view of Sirius profile from where he lay at Sirius' side and right now he felt like he wanted to memorize every line of it. It was more than the physical beauty of it, much more, much deeper, but even after all this time he still couldn't get over how truly beautiful Sirius was. Sirius' face still looked completely blissful, though notably more relaxed, and Remus watched his eyes flutter shut.

"What is this? Tired out after a temper tantrum?" Remus asked teasingly, expecting that Sirius would be too worn out to reply, but he yelped as Sirius smacked him squarely on the arse. "Hey! What was that for?"

Sirius' eyes were still shut, though he had a smile on his face. "Disrespecting your elders," he said as seriously as possible. "I'm merely taking a well-deserved afternoon nap, which an aged gentleman should be allowed."

Remus glared, even though Sirius couldn't see it. "Just you wait, I'll get my revenge."

Sirius just hummed in agreement, too sleepy and sated to argue much. He shifted around to fully kick off his trousers and stretched like a cat before settling down onto the couch and pulling Remus closer against himself. His hand was still in Remus' hair, soothingly stroking Remus' scalp and lulling both of them. The gentle circling of his fingers gradually slowed as his breathing deepened, until finally he was asleep.

Remus dozed for a bit, but it was his growling stomach that eventually woke him up. A quick glance at his watch told him that dinner would be in just over an hour, thankfully. Sirius' failure to cook anything edible and offering of chocolates in its place weren't quite enough to satisfy the stomach of a teenage boy.

He lifted himself and crawled over Sirius on the couch. He considered staying, waiting the hour until they needed to part to arrive at dinner separately, but he decided he should go back to Gryffindor Tower beforehand. He packed the chocolates into his bag and wrapped the invisibility cloak around his shoulders.

Before leaving he made sure to get one more look at Sirius, naked, sleeping, and beautiful. It wasn't often that he got to see Sirius asleep, which was a shame, really, since there was something unbearable sweet in the softness of Sirius' expression. Remus chuckled to himself as he realized that it was a good thing that Sirius had a guard on the Floo, since someone coming through right now would get quite an eyeful. A light blanket was conjured and laid over Sirius, then Remus pressed a goodbye kiss to Sirius' forehead before he pulled the loose hood of the invisibility cloak up and over his face.

He didn't pass anyone on his way back through the corridors, and he safely tucked the invisibility cloak into his bag once he neared Gryffindor Tower. There were several students in the common room waiting to go down to dinner, and he found Peter sitting alone at one of the tables.

"Hey, Pete," Remus said, taking a seat next to him.

Instead of offering a greeting in response, Peter just stared at Remus like he was crazy. Remus was about to ask if he had grown a second head or something, but then he heard a female voice behind them.

"Here, Peter, I've found it," the girl said. Remus turned to find Lily's friend with a particular page in a book marked. She looked down at Remus, surprized that someone seemed to have joined her and Peter. "Oh. Are you..."

" _Oh_ -" Remus said, catching on. He quickly stood and motioned for the girl to sit beside Peter again. "Right, I was just leaving. Have fun." Remus winked at Peter, but Peter only raised an eyebrow as Remus headed up the stairs to the dormitory.

James was in the dormitory when Remus arrived, and he grinned at Remus. "Coming back from a hot date?"

"No," Remus said as a natural response to such a question from James.

"Oh _really?_ " James pressed.

"Yes, _really,_ " Remus said, maintaining his cool even though he could tell James was getting ready to pester him about something. "Not all of us have time to go running off on dates every afternoon when NEWTs are coming up so quickly."

James gave him a devilish smirk. "Yeah, but not all of us return to the dormitory with such obvious sex hair."

Remus glanced at his reflection in the mirror that stood in the corner and was immediately mortified as he noticed his hair. It stuck up so wildly that it looked like the style that James used to wear when he would mess it up in the back. Sirius had been pulling at it earlier and it was even noticeable where his hands had held handfuls. No wonder Peter had given Remus such a strange look in the common room – he looked ridiculous!

"Were you with your mystery boyfriend?"

"What? No," Remus said, caught up in trying to smooth down his hair. "Er, yes I was."

"You're awfully jumpy about this."

"Well it's embarrassing having walked back to the Tower looking like this." Remus sighed and finally stopped smoothing his hair as he accepted that this was as neat as it was going to look. "Everyone in the common room must have seen me!"

James laughed. "Remus, you're eighteen! You should be bragging about your sexual conquests, not pretending they don't exist!"

"You know I'm not that type. And besides, it then raises the question of _who_ I was with, and I'm not telling that to anyone. Not even you and Peter."

He had added the last part as a jibe at James - it was hard living with so many secrets, but this was one case where keeping such an important secret gave Remus an advantage in the ever on-going contest between them to tease each other about such things. It was a source of great frustration to James and Peter that Remus still refused to admit who he was dating, and it always gave Remus the upper hand.

James fixed him with a knowing look. "Remus Lupin, are you dating a teacher?"

Remus stood frozen, face blank. Had Lily told him? Or was this just one of James' jokes? He stared at James unresponsively to avoid talking his way into a corner.

"You and Sirius!" James insisted. The knowing, determined look on James' face made Remus unbearably nervous.

"N-no," Remus said flatly, "Of course not."

James raised an eyebrow. "You two are awfully close," he said.

"So are you two," Remus countered.

"I didn't buy him a Christmas gift, though."

If this was James' strongest reason for believing that Remus and Sirius were together then Remus might have an easier time talking himself out of this situation. "And? That doesn't mean anything. You would have bought something for him too if you weren't so distracted by your date with Lily while we were in Hogsmeade at Christmas."

Even though Remus had just arrived in the dormitory, he was trying to inch towards the dormitory door so he could escape. James saw what he was doing and grabbed him by the arm to stop him.

"You have his leather jacket," James said. He nodded towards Remus' trunk, where Sirius' leather jacket was still stored.

"He lent it to me. I was wearing it while we were out on the motorbike, and I forgot to give it back," Remus said dismissively. He tried to pull his arm out of James' grasp. "Now I have to get going-"

"I found this too!" James said, holding up a piece of paper. Remus recognized it at once and tried not to swear under his breath. It was the tag from the flowers Sirius had given him after the last full moon. It must have fallen out of his pocket _again_. He was going to destroy that damned thing after this. Such a little piece of paper really shouldn't cause so many troubles for him.

"I don't know what that is," Remus said while he kept his face blank.

"That was quite romantic while you were in the hospital wing, the way he brought you flowers."

"No, it was a kind, _friendly_ gesture, like anyone might do when visiting a friend in the hospital. That tag isn't from him. There's no name on it, and I've never seen it before. You're just jumping to conclusions. Just step back and think about it for a minute, do you think I would be dating a teacher? It's ridiculous." Remus waved his hand as if trying to brush away the whole situation. The things James had presented may have seemed suspicious, but there was no way James could actually prove anything.

"I saw you two kissing," James said bluntly.

Remus stared at him flabbergasted.

"Twice," James added helpfully. "Well, the first time I just ran into you two in that passageway, but I suspected something. And then I saw you two in the hospital wing. I thought I had dropped my ink-bottle in there, and when I came back in I saw you two."

What was Remus to do? Continue trying to deny it, even though James had some very convincing evidence? Admit that James was right? Knock James unconscious and modify his memory?

"Come on, Remus," James said encouragingly. "I already know. Just admit it."

Finally, Remus sighed. "Alright," he grumbled.

James' reaction was much more enthusiastic. "You devil! And they say I'm the rule breaker!" James hooted. He looked oddly proud to have such a deviant for a friend.

"You aren't angry?"

"It's a bit weird for me, but... no, I'm not angry. I suppose if you've been carrying on like this for a while then it really doesn't make a difference to me anyway. And I know you wouldn't have done something like this without think about it, _really_ thinking about it and all the things that could happen, so I know this isn't something you jumped into without thinking. I know you're serious about – heh, _serious about Sirius_."

Remus shook his head at the joke. He _hated_ those joked. "What made you tell me now? If you had already known."

"Well, for one thing I didn't know how I could return this without seeming obvious." James held up the tag again and passed it back to Remus. "I still haven't told Sirius. It's weird for me, stranger for him than it was for you, since I knew beforehand that you were seeing a bloke. Sirius just has that sort of charm, like he could have any woman he wanted, and I had just assumed that he did. But in a way, this makes sense. It really shouldn't, but it just does."

Remus had often felt the same way about his relationship with Sirius - it was so unusual, and almost seemed like it could have never been possible, but something about it just made sense. Something had brought them together and they had found each other, despite the unlikely circumstances.

"Oh? What's that smile?" James asked teasingly.

"Nothing," Remus muttered as he felt his face turn pink.

"Do you love him?"

Remus raised an eyebrow at James. "I'm not going to have a girly conversation like that with you," he said flatly, though his face was going even pinker.

But James was insistent. "Really, though. Do you?"

"I... I..."

"Ye-es?" James offered helpfully.

Remus was quite for a while as he thought about it. "I haven't said it yet," he finally admitted.

"Why?"

"I don't know," Remus answered honestly. He knew he felt it, and he knew Sirius wanted to hear it, but for whatever reason he hadn't been able to say it yet. James could so easily declare his affections, both for Lily and for his friends, but it was much harder for Remus to be so open about his feelings, even with the people he cared about so much. "But James, you can't tell _anyone_ about me and Sirius. Not a soul. Dumbledore said that-"

James let out a whoop of astounded laughter. "Dumbledore knows about it and hasn't demanded you stop? What an old perv!"

Remus resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands. "Dumbledore said that I have to keep it a secret from everyone, including you. So don't ever say a word about it. I would rather _no one_ knew about it, but I guess now you know, and Lily figured it out a few weeks ago."

"Lily knows? And she didn't tell me?" James asked in amazement. He didn't seem offended by this; in fact, he looked rather proud to have such a clever girlfriend.

"I asked her not to, and you need to promise me that same thing. It _needs_ to stay secret. This isn't just the kind of secret I'm keeping just to have one up on you, this is something really dangerous."

"Of course I know that. Though I'm going to have a hard time respecting you as a prefect now that I know what a troublemaker you truly are," James said with a smirk, as if he had ever respected the authority that came with Remus' prefect badge.

"Really James, you can't tell anyone." Remus sighed and shook his head. "Even Sirius doesn't know about it yet!"


	20. Chapter 20

"Off to earn some extra credit?" Lily asked teasingly as Remus packed his things into his bag in the dormitory. He was about to leave to go visit Sirius.

"You must be doing something wrong - I have a better Defence mark than you do!" James laughed.

Remus shook his head, smiling at his friends. "It's not like that," he said.

It still felt strange having his friends know about something he had kept secret for so long, and it was even stranger to be joking about it so easily. Truthfully, after Remus had gotten over the initial shock, it was actually something of a relief. It had been the same way when James and Peter had first discovered Remus' lycanthropy. After torturing himself with imaging endless outcomes where Remus would be cast out and would lose his friends forever, everything had worked out better than he'd expected.

Even more changes were lurking along the horizon. The seventh year students had completed their practice NEWTs and the real exams were in just over a week. Though all the students were dreading the _Nastily Exhausting_ part, graduation would follow shortly after. Soon Remus would be leaving Hogwarts for the last time and officially joining the Order.

There were other changes, on a much closer scale, that Remus was slowly coming to terms with as well. After debating with himself for what felt like endless nights, Remus had grudgingly accepted that Sirius would be allowed to be on patrol duties during Remus' transformation. Remus still wasn't entirely comfortable with it and he naturally felt that he should try to convince Sirius otherwise, but he forced himself to keep quiet. He knew how important this was to Sirius. After Sirius had nearly witnessed Remus' transformation last month and still loved Remus just the same, Remus didn't think he could deny anything to Sirius ever again.

Remus really did feel like he owed Sirius everything. Sirius had done so much for him. Sirius respected Remus' wishes and bared with all of Remus' hesitancies and uncertainties about their relationship, but Sirius also pushed him when he needed it. Remus had never imagined letting anyone so close to his transformation, both in understanding and proximity, but Sirius had pushed and pushed until Remus finally accepted that someone could love him despite the monster he became each month.

This though helped ease Remus' nerves in the days leading up to his transformation, but as the full moon drew closer and closer, it always became difficult to find comfort in anything. Remus was sure that there was nothing in this world that could calm the gripping fear he felt in the moments leading up to moonrise. He paced back and forth in the Shrieking Shack, restless and acutely aware of every burning nerve in his body. With his senses so heightened, even the feel of the night air was almost painful against his skin.

There was something strange in the air tonight, though, something that worried Remus. He assured himself that Sirius was safely outside the wards on the Shack, protected from anything that happened here. And in the morning, Sirius would be here at Remus' side to help him.

The last thing Remus remembered seeing was a shape in the distance, a silvery white canine bounding over the hills, and then the transformation began.

***

Remus lay face down on the wooden floor. Every muscle in his body felt like it was on fire. He shifted to turn his head to the side and felt a tug on his skin as dried blood pulled and cracked.

The door creaked and Remus could see the shape of a person coming in to the room. His heart fluttered, though he quickly realized that the sweeping emerald robes didn't belong to Sirius. Instead, McGonagall knelt at his side and gently touched his face as she began healing some of the more minor wounds.

" _Where..._ " was all that Remus could manage to say in such a weak state. He felt sick. Where was Sirius? He was supposed to be here.

McGonagall shushed him and continued healing him. A hazy memory returned to Remus: a strange scent in the air, something silvery white outside the window. Had that been a Patronus?

The door creaked again and Remus' eyes flicked over to it, hoping to see Sirius entering the Shack, but it was Madam Pomfrey bringing the strong pain-relief potion that she always brought to Remus immediately after the full moon. Its effects were so potent that it would leave Remus in a deep sleep for several hours afterwards, but he didn't want to take it until he knew why Sirius wasn't here.

" _Where..._ " Remus rasped again, more desperately, but the effort to even utter this one word was painful and exhausting.

Madam Pomfrey's fingers tipped his chin back and he tried to resist the potion, but right now he didn't have the strength to stop her or to even move. The slightly bitter potion was poured down his throat, and then everything became dark.

***

Remus lay half-conscious in the hospital wing for a while before he finally became aware of himself and the hazy morning light filtering in through the window. It often took some time for the slow lethargy in his body to lift as the sedative effect of the pain-relief potion wore off. His first conscious thoughts immediately turned to Sirius. Sirius hadn't been there when Remus had woken from his transformation. Why? Remus couldn't shake the feeling that something bad had happened.

Madam Pomfrey came around the partition and she smiled when she saw that Remus was awake. "Up already, my dear?" she asked. "You weren't in too bad of a condition this month, though you've managed to tear up your hip quite horribly."

It was only at her mention that Remus became aware of the pain in his hip, directly over the place where he had first been bitten all those years ago. Right now, Remus couldn't be bothered worrying about the difficulties of healing what was already scar tissue; he had much more pressing thoughts on his mind.

"Where's Sirius?" he asked. It still came out as little more than a croak. He coughed to clear his throat, but it was useless; it was completely raw from howling.

Madam Pomfrey came to his side and poured him a glass of water from the jug on the bedside table. "I believe 'Professor Black' would be a more appropriate address," she said. Remus had been too exhausted and desperate to worry about formalities. "But your Professor Black is here, in fact."

Madam Pomfrey stood and pulled back the curtain at his side, which led to another partitioned bed. There, slowly trying to sit up from the bed, was Sirius. Bandages covered a large part of his chest and spread up over his shoulder and neck. He smiled at Remus when he saw him.

" _Sirius!_ " Remus cried in shock. He quickly jolted up in bed in an effort to get to Sirius' side, and then winced as he felt tearing in his hip.

"Stay there, my dear!" Madam Pomfrey commanded. She pushed Remus back down onto the hospital bed. "Look, now you've opened the wound again, just after I had managed to get the bleeding to stop." With a reprimanding tut, Madam Pomfrey took out her wand and began sealing the injury again.

Sirius looked quite pale, though he was smiling at Remus. Remus could only stare back at him in horror.

"A-are you okay?" Remus asked shakily, though he could see with his own eyes that Sirius _wasn't_ okay. Even though Sirius didn't seem to be in pain, the bandages were a very clear indicator that something horrible had happened.

"I'd say I'm a right sight better than you are," Sirius said with the playful grin that only Sirius could wear at such a dark time.

Remus was almost afraid to find out, but he forced himself to ask, "What happened?" A terrifying, sickening imaged flashed in his mind of his own claws and teeth coming down over Sirius' body as Sirius struggled desperately to get away.

Sirius read Remus' fear from his face, and thankfully he shook his head. "No, it wasn't that."

Remus breathed a sigh of relief. He would never be able to forgive himself if that happened. But this still didn't answer the question he was so desperate to find out. "Then what?" he asked.

A shadow fell over Sirius' eyes and his expression turned grim. "Fenrir Greyback tried to pay you a visit last night," he said.

" _Just relax,_ " Madam Pomfrey insisted, still working on Remus' hip. Remus had jerked rather violently at Sirius' news and a fresh stream of blood was pouring out of the ripped flesh.

"H-he was here?" Remus asked. Sirius nodded, but he didn't continue. He glanced at Madam Pomfrey, and Remus quickly caught on that this wasn't a matter that could be discussed with someone else in the room.

If Madam Pomfrey caught on to Sirius' hint, she didn't show it. She had more important tasks on hand as she performed a complex healing spell on the injury on Remus' hip. Remus had always been thankful for how much she cared about him; the maternal concern she had for him was far beyond what might be expected from someone treating a werewolf's wounds and it had been a great comfort for Remus after many full moons. But right now, Remus just wanted her to leave so he could talk to Sirius. It seemed like ages passed before she was finally satisfied with the healing progress and left the room.

"What did Greyback want?" Remus asked before the edges of Madam Pomfrey's robes had even disappeared around the partition.

"I'm sure you remember what he told you at Easter, about Voldemort's offer to the werewolves. He had come to try to convince _you_ to join the werewolf pack and take advantage of that offer. He doesn't like that you're living a normal life, instead of running with the werewolf packs, 'where you belong', apparently."

Remus nodded slowly. "He asked the same thing when he came to visit me at Easter." Even after the Order had discussed Voldemort's offer to the werewolf pack, Remus had never brought up this part of Greyback's visit. What Greyback had said about werewolves only being accepted because people didn't understand what being a werewolf truly meant had rang too close to Remus' own feelings.

"You didn't tell me about that part," Sirius said.

Remus swallowed. After everything that passed between them, Remus could no longer keep this a secret from Sirius.

"No," Remus said quietly. "I was scared. Greyback has asked me the same thing several times. I always have and always will say no, but the things he says really get under my skin. Because for the most part, they're true. The thing is, Sirius, you said yourself that you've never seen the full transformation. You've never seen what a wolf is really like. And I know you say you accept these things, but it still scares me and I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to find out if it was true or not. That's why I never told you."

Sirius seemed to accept this. Even if he didn't agree with it, Sirius had come to understand Remus' insecurities about this. "I understand, though I would like for you to tell me these things. And I've seen the transformation, actually," he said.

"What you saw last month was just a glimpse - it was nothing compared to the full transformation."

Sirius shook his head. "That's not what I'm talking about. It was this month, when I encountered Greyback outside the Shack. He remembered me from the werewolf negotiations team, and he was none too pleased to find me guarding you. I tried to get rid of him - I couldn't let him transform out in the open, with the village and the school so close, but I also knew that I couldn't let him into the Shack with you."

Remus' eyes flicked down to Sirius' bandages. "Did you fight him?" he asked.

Sirius bit his lip. "The signal the Order had arranged was to send off a Patronus if anything happened during the guard, so I sent off my Patronus just as Greyback's transformation began. I was ready to fight him off and to keep him away from Hogsmeade and Hogwarts, but-" Sirius broke off. He took a deep breath. "Seeing the actual transformation was more than I could handle. Even for Greyback, who's more wolf than he is human, the transformation looked agonizing and unbearable.

"All I could think about was that this was what you had to go through _every month._ The pain you have to deal with - it's not fair. It's not fair that you have to deal with that. I was so shaken up by knowing how horribly you were suffering that I wasn't able to fight off Greyback."

Remus felt like the bottom of his stomach had dropped out. " _He bit you?_ " Remus gasped. A heavy flood of relief washed over him when Sirius shook his head.

"No. These injuries are just from claws. McGonagall arrived just in time to help, and it was a good thing too." Sirius sighed. "Turns out I'm not as strong as I thought I was."

Remus couldn't believe what he had just heard. This was like so many of his nightmares. Sirius often got himself into dangerous situations, but this time he had nearly been killed. And he hadn't escaped unscathed either; the scars and memories from a werewolf attack didn't easily disappear.

"It's my fault, then," Remus said. "It's my fault Greyback was here. This was all my fault." The guilt was heavy in his chest and he felt like he could hardly breathe.

"Are you kidding me?" Sirius asked. "It was great! I hadn't had a battle like that in a while. I'm a bit out of practice, but I'll be back into the swing of things soon enough."

Remus could only stare at Sirius in horror. Did Sirius really welcome a werewolf attack? The bandages covering his chest showed how close the encounter had been, but Sirius didn't seem to be bothered by such a close brush with death, or much worse.

Sirius smirked at him. "Oh, don't look at me like that. I don't mean to sound bloodthirsty, or like a thrill chaser. I just mean that after being locked up here for so long, I'm glad that soon I'll be able to do something useful in this war. It will be dangerous, nothing will change that, but it's not use hiding from it."

"Sirius, you're- you're-"

"Hey, hey, calm down," Sirius said quickly. With some difficult, he stood and came to Remus' side, sitting down on the edge of the bed and taking Remus' hand. "There's nothing to get worked up over. These are only scratches. The real thing I'm worried about is you. Believe me, Remus, seeing the pain you go through was much worse for me."

"They'll scar," Remus said. His chest felt tight and he wanted to pull his hand away from Sirius and hide. "Even on werewolves, it's difficult to heal werewolf wounds. But on a human, they'll scar for sure."

"And now that my perfect body is ruined, you're going to kick me to the curb?"

At a time like this, Remus couldn't stand that playful smirk on Sirius' face. "I'm not joking around," he said flatly.

Sirius waved his hand. "So they'll scar. Big deal. I'm _fine_. I'm even going to teach this afternoon, so you hardly have anything to worry about."

Remus frowned. "You should have let Greyback into the Shack with me."

"Absolutely not," Sirius replied immediately.

"It would have been the logical solution. Two werewolves wouldn't have attacked each other, and you wouldn't have gotten hurt."

"Remus, I told you what he came here to talk to you about," Sirius said seriously.

"You think I would have joined to him?".

"No, but you said yourself that he gets under your skin. I know how manipulative he can be. I couldn't let him get to you."

"Sirius..."

Sirius sighed. "I just wish there was something I could do for you," he said. He was still holding Remus' hand, and he raised it to his lips to kiss the back before he stood to dress. "Feel better, okay?"

Remus couldn't feel better. Throughout the day his heart felt just as heavy. James and Peter stopped by during lunch, but Remus pretended to be asleep. He didn't want to talk to anyone.

Despite the sweet things Sirius said - of what he wished for Remus, and of how strong Sirius' feelings were - Remus could think of nothing but the bandages covering Sirius' chest. Of the jagged injuries that lay underneath, and the beast that had caused them. The beast that had been there to see Remus.

Remus was allowed to go back to Gryffindor Tower in the evening, and he slowly shuffled back to the dormitory. James and Peter were there, but Remus still didn't want to talk. Instead, he sat at the window seat, staring out at Hogwarts moonlit grounds. The waning moon didn't have the same effect on him as the waxing, and Remus could almost appreciate the glow that the moonbeams cast, but his eyes weren't focused on the scene before him.

"Say, Remus, Peter and I are going down to the kitchens. Do you want anything?" James asked. He and Peter were standing by the door, about to leave.

Remus glanced at them. "No," he said.

James waggled his eyebrows. "Not even leftover chocolate cake?"

"No, it's fine." Remus smiled at his friends before he turned back to the window.

He could almost feel James and Peter exchanging worried glances. "Are you okay?" Peter asked.

"No worse than usual after a full moon," Remus said, trying to emulate the same casual playfulness that Sirius always managed to pull off so well.

It didn't work. James crossed the room and sat down beside Remus. "Really?"

"Ye-es," Remus said unconvincingly.

Peter came to Remus' side as well. "What's wrong?"

Remus was quiet for a long time. Finally, he sighed. "Did you know, Sirius was attacked last night while he was patrolling around the Shrieking Shack. The werewolf Fenrir Greyback - I've told you about him before - came to talk to me about Voldemort's offer to the werewolf pack. Sirius tried to fight him off, and when Greyback transformed, he nearly... he nearly _bit_..." Remus' voice faltered and died in his throat. He couldn't even get the words out.

James reached out to lay his hand on Remus' shoulder. "Hey, it's okay. He didn't bite Sirius, did he?"

"No. But he could have. And it would have been all my fault."

"But you didn't know Greyback was coming," Peter said. "There was nothing you could have done."

" _Exactly,_ " Remus snapped, sharper than he'd intended. "There was _nothing_ I could have done to protect him. Do you know how agonizing that is? That someone you care about so much was in so much danger because of you, yet there's absolutely nothing you can do to help him?" Remus hadn't expected to hear the frustrated, angry edge to his voice, but it had tumbled out uncontrolled.

James and Peter seemed like they didn't know what to say. And really, Remus knew that there was nothing that could be said to make this any better.

Remus took a deep breath. "It's just... I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. With the Order. I know it's the right thing to do, but I don't think I can take it."

It was almost embarrassing to say it, and the look from James told Remus how awful he sounded. "What do you mean?" James asked, "Are you scared?"

"I'm not scared. Not for myself, at least. I know I can do it. I've fought Death Eaters twice already. But when my friends are in danger, and there's nothing I can do about it, I... I fall apart."

"But that's not easy for anyone," Peter said. "You can't be so hard on yourself. Like you said, there was nothing you could do. Sometimes we have a choice, but sometimes things will happen regardless of how much we wish it wasn't true."

"That's right," James added, "And hiding from it isn't going to make things any better. This is a war."

Remus was quiet again. He knew this was true, but he highly doubted that other people put their loved ones at risk of a werewolf attack. He still couldn't shake the guilt for what had happened to Sirius. He wished he could put all his loved ones somewhere safe and far away from this war.

James' hand was still on Remus' shoulder, and he squeezed it reassuringly. "Think of it this way. If you hide from this, if you give up, you know your friends will be in danger. That much is true no matter what you do. But if you stand up and fight, you have the chance of protecting them. Things aren't always going to be easy - we all knew that when we agreed to join the Order. That's why this is a war. And that's why the Order needs our help."

Remus slowly turned back to his friends. James was right. This time there was nothing he could have done, but it wouldn't always be that way. There would be a next time. Maybe not with Greyback or his werewolf pack, but they were stepping into a war. Remus wanted to do whatever he could to help his friends.

James and Peter could see the change in his face, and they smiled. "I don't think you really meant what you just said, anyway. You're just shaken up from what happened to Sirius and you're not thinking straight."

"No," Remus admitted quietly.

"You would do the same, wouldn't you?" James said. It wasn't a question; he already knew the answer. "You'd put yourself in danger to help your friends."

"Yes," Remus said, louder.

"So you're not going to give up on us, are you?"

Remus smiled at his friends. "No. I'm going to fight for all of you."

***

Remus didn't have much time to recover from the full moon before NEWTs began. It was an exhausting two weeks and the academic delirium showed on all the seventh year students. There were several times when Remus spent so long with his face buried in a textbook that he almost forgot what sunlight looked like. Finally, he came out of the end of exams alive. He felt like he had done well, though his results wouldn't arrive until the end of August.

Summer term began, the last two lazy weeks of classes before the end of the school year. The remaining days were much more easy going now that exams were over, which meant Remus had plenty of time to relax and spend with Sirius.

The weather was warm, far too nice to waste indoors, so while the rest of the school left for the last Hogsmeade visit of the year, Remus and Sirius ventured out to sit by the lake. There were almost alone; a few first and second year students were nearby, but the presence of a teacher was apparently terrifying enough that they were slowly slinking away.

Sirius was sprawled on his back with his boots kicked off and his arms behind his head, while Remus sat beside him and watched the giant squid bob along the surface of the lake.

"Who are you going to the graduation dance with?" Sirius asked.

Remus smirked. "Dunno. Do you think I should ask Moaning Myrtle?"

"She is one _hell_ of a date. But I was thinking you could ask me to the dance," Sirius suggested.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure that would go over well."

"You'll be finished school by then," Sirius insisted, "I wouldn't be your teacher anymore."

"Right. Because somehow, in the three days between the end of classes and the graduation ceremony, we somehow broke down all the student-teacher barriers and got together?"

Remus had said it in a joking manner, but Sirius was clearly not amused. He sat up and turned away from Remus.

"Are you still going to be like this?" he asked shortly.

"Like what?"

"You're not a student and I'm not a teacher, and we still have to act like we're only friends. We don't have to announce it or anything, but how long is it going to be before we can start acting like it? Months?"

"Three days is too soon."

"How long?" Sirius demanded. "How long before we can even tell James?"

"James knows. And Lily as well."

This clearly surprised Sirius. "Really? You told them?"

Remus nodded. Maybe he hadn't told them, but they knew. That was what was important to Sirius.

From the way Sirius sat, a slight hint of the scars from Greyback's attack was visible above his shirt collar. The scars were still red and it would be a long time before it faded to white. It was hard to Remus to look at them, knowing that he had been responsible, but Remus was slowly learning to convince himself that those scars represented how much Sirius cared for him. That was how Sirius saw them, at least

Remus glanced around the edge of the lake. The younger students were gone, and the trees shielded them from view from the castle. Quickly, he leaned over and kissed Sirius.

"I love you," he said.

Sirius smiled as he gazed back into Remus' eyes. "I know."

***

Remus felt a bit like he was teetering on the edge of his known world. Hogwarts had been his life for the past seven years, and though he had an idea of what lie ahead of him, it was likely something that he couldn't fully imagine before he got there.

James had just sent off an application the Auror Academy, Lily had already been hired as a Healer-in-training at St. Mungo's, and Peter had an interview at the Ministry in two weeks. All of them would be working for the Order part time, while Remus, who didn't have any job prospects lined up, would be devoting his time solely to the Order.

Sirius had asked him to move in together, and Remus agreed. He had his hesitations about it: they'd be utterly hopeless in the kitchen and would never manage to cook anything proper for themselves, and living together would surely raise questions from anyone who knew them, but he was still looking forward to their life together. Before that, he would first spend a few weeks with his family while Sirius stayed at the Order headquarters and looked for a flat for them. Remus had offered to stay with him during this time, but Sirius insisted that things would be getting very heavy once they started devoting more time to the Order, and Remus should have some time to relax with his parents first.

Finally the last day of classes arrived. Most of the students would be going home, but the seventh years stayed behind for the three days before the graduation ceremony and the graduation dance.

The other seventh years were busy with various last hoorahs and saying goodbye to the people and places they would no longer see. Remus, though he had explored the furthest corners of the castle on various mischief-making exploits, had realized that there was one easily accessible place that he had never visited, and that was the office in Sirius' quarters. He had never had any reason to go in the room before, but now he wished he had thought to explore it sooner, as it held an enormous library of reference materials for Defence professors. There were ancient scrolls, huge tomes, rare manuscripts - all waiting here at his fingertips if he had only thought to look.

"I think _you_ should have been the teacher. That would have been more believable," Sirius said as Remus reverently gazed at the books. Sirius sat behind the desk, watching Remus with amusement.

" _Professor Lupin_ ," Remus said, testing out the name. "I like the sound of that."

He turned back to the bookshelf, trying to decide what he wanted to look at first. He reached out for a red leather-bound book with gold detailing and gasped when his fingers touched it.

"Sirius! These books have dust on them!" he chastised, pulling out the book and blowing the dust off the top.

Sirius shrugged sheepishly. "Sorry, Professor Lupin. I don't really have any use for them. I didn't mind teaching, but I don't care for it enough to do my own research in the field."

Remus skimmed the shelf. He could now see that all the books had a fine layer of dust over them. His eyes fell on one book that was strangely dust-free.

"This one doesn't, though." He pulled out the large book with deep green binding.

"That one is new," Sirius said.

Remus read the name on the cover: _Grimoire of the Animagus Transformation, Volume I_. He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Are you going to become an Animagus?" he asked, amused.

"Yes," Sirius said seriously.

Remus glanced up at Sirius, surprised. He knew that the Animagus transformation was no easy feat. "Wow! Has Professor McGonagall finally started to make a good impression on you?"

"Someone else has made a very good impression on me," Sirius said. He stood and came up behind Remus, wrapping his arms around Remus' waist and resting his chin on his shoulder. "I suppose it was a lie to say that I haven't been doing any research. Knowing that werewolves will only attack humans, I started looking for other alternatives, and came up with the Animagus transformation. If I was an animal, I could be there with you. You wouldn't have to spend the full moons alone anymore."

"You're... you're doing this for me?" Remus asked shakily. He felt Sirius nod his head. Remus didn't know what to say. His hands were trembling and he set down the heavy book on the edge of the desk. "You shouldn't. It's too much."

"I want to. I don't want to see you suffering so much, and if I could be there with you I'd be able to keep you from hurting yourself as much."

"Sirius..." Remus said, still at a loss for words. He was embarrassed to feel tears forming at his eyes. He couldn't believe Sirius wanted to do this for him.

"Is it okay?" Sirius asked, though from the smile in his voice it was already clear that he knew the answer. There really wasn't an option for Remus to refuse.

"How did I ever get lucky enough to find someone like you?" Remus asked in awe.

Sirius smirked and pressed a kiss against Remus' neck. "Because you're the only one who'd ever be crazy enough to keep me."

There came a voice from the next room: " _Sirius._ "

Sirius pulled away from Remus and left the room to investigate. "Kingsley?" Sirius asked, waving down the guard on the Floo. Remus could hear the crackle of flames as the Floo flared up, though from where he stood in the doorway to Sirius' office he couldn't see the face in the flames. He remembered Kingsley's name from when Sirius was talking about the Order, and he tried to picture what Kingsley looked like.

Sirius' brow was furrowed and he sat down the couch in front of the fireplace. "How'd you get through the Floo without Dumbledore's permission?" he asked.

"I've already talked to him. Sirius..."

"What is it?"

"Regulus was found dead this morning. I'm sorry."

The words fell like lead in the room. Sirius didn't move. His face was blank and he sat completely unmoving. It was a shock to Remus too; last month when Regulus hadn't turned up at Slughorn's party, he had assumed that Regulus was too scared of the confrontation with his brother. It had never crossed any of their minds that there was something more to his absence.

There was a subtle change in Sirius face as the realization sunk in, a pained acquiescence that darkened his eyes.. Just seeing it made Remus' chest feel tight. "Did we get him, then?" Sirius finally asked, voice hoarse.

"No. The Aurors found his body in the north, washed up on the shore near a small sea-side village. We think the Death Eaters may have done it themselves."

Sirius was silent again. His head dropped down. "He was always such an idiot," he croaked.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I'll be outside the Hogwarts gates tomorrow at eight o'clock. I'll see you then." Sirius just nodded mutely, not looking up.

The Floo flared up again and then died as Kingsley left. Remus crossed the room over to the couch and sat beside Sirius, unsure of what to say. _I'm sorry_ seemed like such a futile exclamation and he didn't know what comfort it would bring Sirius at a time like this.

"It's good, isn't it?" Sirius asked, not expecting an answer. "Another Death Eater dead. That's what we want."

Remus laid his hand on Sirius' leg and something seemed to break in Sirius. He took a shaky breath, head still hanging.

"They killed him. They killed my baby brother."

Remus opened his arms, and Sirius easily leaned against his chest. Remus ran his hands over Sirius' back, hoping he could offer some small comfort through touch. It was hard to see Sirius in this quiet agony and Remus wished there was something more he could do to help him.

"I can't do this anymore, Remus. I can't sit back anymore," Sirius murmured against Remus' shoulder.

"And you don't have to," Remus assured him. "Come, I'll help you pack your things."

It was a long while before Sirius finally stood and led them upstairs. A beaten old truck sat at the foot of his bed, and Sirius ran his hand over it.

"I bought this when I was sixteen. It was all I could afford after I left home. The old trunk had the Black family crest on it, and I wanted to leave everything to do with my family behind me." Sirius sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "I tried. I tried to hate him. He was a pureblood elitist, just like my parents, and a Death Eater. But - he's my baby brother."

"I know, Sirius," Remus said. He rubbed Sirius' shoulder reassuringly.

"You were right, you know. Every time I talked about him, you'd tell me I still cared about him. I always got angry about it, because I didn't want to believe it. But I guess you were right after all."

It didn't take long for the two of them to pack away Sirius' things in his truck. Most of the furniture would stay with the suite, so it was only Sirius' clothing and a few personal objects that needed to be packed away. Sirius wrote to Hagrid explaining what had happened and that he would be back in a few days to get his motorbike.

Sirius had long wanted to be free from the castle, but he had never expected to be leaving with such a heavy heart. Sirius silence was actually frightening to Remus. Normally, Sirius would turn to Firewhiskey and stomp around like a demon. Instead, he was silent and unmoving, overcome with grief. He curled against Remus' side and was content to stay there for several hours. Just looking at his blank face made Remus feel like his heart was breaking.

"I'll stay with you tonight," Remus offered when it was getting to be quite late in the night.

"No, it's okay. I'll be fine," Sirius insisted.

Remus studied his face. Sirius' grey eyes were downcast and his spirits seemed drained, but he seemed to have composed himself by now. "Are you sure?" Remus asked.

Sirius nodded. "But you'll come be with me in a few weeks, won't you?"

"Of course," Remus assured him. He kissed Sirius once more before he reluctantly left.

Remus had already made up his mind as to what he would do. He couldn't bear to leave Sirius alone for that time - the three days before the graduation ceremony, and then the time Remus spent with his parents. Sirius needed someone with him right now.

When Remus got back to the dormitory, he began packing his own things in his trunk. James and Peter looked at him curiously.

"What are you doing?" James asked.

"It's Sirius..." Remus said. "His brother died. He's leaving in the morning."

James and Peter must have been able to tell that Remus had made up his mind. It was strange to think that this was the last time Remus would ever be packing his trunk at Hogwarts. He laid Sirius' leather jacket in it, and then the dress robes his parents had given him for Christmas. They were meant to be worn at the graduation ceremony. They wouldn't be used now. Remus had been looking forward to the graduation ceremony, but this was more important to him.

The early morning sunlight was spilling in the windows when Remus got out of bed the next morning. He said a silent farewell to the dormitory where he had spent the past seven years before he left with his trunk levitating behind him. He made his way through the castle corridors for the last time.

Sirius was in the Entrance Hall when Remus arrived, about to leave out the front door. He had clearly had a sleepless night.

"Remus?" he asked in surprise when he noticed Remus. Realization dawned on his face as he noticed that Remus had his trunk with him. It was strange to see such a grateful look on such a tired face, but it reminded Remus of the way he felt after the full moon when he would wake to find his friends waiting for him.

Remus smiled. He came to Sirius' side and reached out his hand. Sirius took it.

"Together?"

"I think so."

-THE END-

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted January 9 - December 30 2011 at fanfiction.net.


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